What’s the Best Way to Breakup with a Hookup?

hookup

What’s the Best Way to Breakup with a Hookup?

Whether you are dating again after a divorce, staving off marriage, are too busy for a serious relationship or believe monogamy is antiquated system with no place in the modern world, you are immersed in the exciting albeit confusing, hookup culture.  And anyone who has spent any amount of time in it comes to a point where they have to break up with someone that they aren’t actually dating. The whole experience can feel like a double edged sword. You didn’t get the benefits of a relationship exactly but you still have to go through the worst part. Some people try to hint around as if they are all-of-a-sudden completely unavailable. But lots of people, of both genders, fail to take the hint. Of course, you may ask what the best way to breakup with a hookup is, but it all comes down to who you both are and how you relate. Do you do normal couple things but are still in the incubator stage of your relationship? Or is this a drunk dial booty call on a Friday night? Just as the punishment should fit the crime, the type of non-relationship you share with this person should determine the way you break up with them.

If you shared meals, hung out in bars or spent a significant amount of time together, this person is owed a face-to-face breakup. Just be honest with them. Sit them down and let them know that you want a plutonic relationship and still want to remain friends. If you aren’t feeling it anymore, say so. When you act like a couple the lines between hookup and relationship tend to blur. You’ll want to clear things up in a way that leaves no room for confusion. If this is the drunk hookup, let them know that it’s been fun but you just want to be friends from here on out. If you really aren’t attached a phone call might suffice, if it’s just a case of text and grind. Then there are those times where you just went out on one date and you are 100% sure the chemistry isn’t there and never will be. Just tell them so. Here perhaps over the phone might be alright as well. If you two have been hanging out a long time, or worse yet were at one time thick as thieves, this is the serious, sit-down breakup.  Perhaps they said or did something that soured you. Maybe you met someone else who flips your switch and lights you up like Las Vegas, or things just coasted into boringsville fast. Whatever the case, you have to sit this person down in a quiet, comfortable setting and explain why. Don’t let it feel like you are stomping on their heart. But they do deserve the truth. If you think they’ll make a scene, do it in a public place like a restaurant or coffee house.

Do go out of your way to let them down gently. Don’t gossip with your friends. Word does get around and then how will you look when it reaches your former hookup? If you are dropping this person, drop them. If you drunk dial them a week later and get it on, you’ll be in the same situation all over again. Erase them from your phone and email. Maybe keep them on your social media pages or else your actions may seem hurtful. Resist the urge of calling them and starting the cycle all over again, or don’t break up with them at all. Don’t dwell on the situation. Learn from this experience and integrate it into your future pursuits. Certainly even the most short-lived relationships can leave you with a good memory. Sometimes it helps to close with that memory and how you’ll cherish it. It leaves both of you feeling good. For more on traversing the harrowing landscape of love read, Sex at First Sight: Understanding the Modern Hookup by Richard E. Simmons III.

Little Things that Annoy Him if He’s not into you

NotIntoYou

Little Things that Annoy Him if He’s not into you

When we first fall in love, we often ignore the little things a person does that can be irritating. We even find someone else’s idiosyncrasies to be cute or endearing.  But if the little things you do annoy him than he’s really not into you. Either that, or he has a very A-plus personality, OCD or is just really anal. But how can you tell whether or not this guy is really rigid or if he’s not into you, when little things that you do annoy him? Not to worry, there are some surefire signs that he’s not feeling you.

If you’re watching what you eat, or have a certain diet, a guy who is into you will accommodate you as best he can. He’ll buy gluten free bread if you aren’t eating the stuff when he makes you two sandwiches for a picnic. He’ll steer clear of carbs, if he’s making you dinner. But if he makes fun of your diet, and fails to accommodate you, it’s not just the way he is, he’s not into you. Do you ever talk about your mom in front of him? The mother daughter relationship is very complex. If you ever have, see how he reacts. If he tolerates listening to it, even finds it informative, he’s interested in you. If he wants you to quickly change the subject, even though it’s important to you, he’s really not that invested in your relationship.

Do you ever share your worries with him? How does he react? If he thinks their cute, or even endearing, or if he tries to give you advice, calm you down or help you he’s totally into you. If he belittles your concerns, not so much. If you tell them you miss them, how do they respond? If they get annoyed about it, they don’t really want a long term thing with you. But if they can’t wait to see you, or come home to you, they are into you.

What about your hobbies, passions and interests? Oftentimes, couples have some interests in common and some that the other doesn’t enjoy. But if you are say a fantastic skier and he’s not, if he really likes you he’ll give it a try. No matter what you’re interested in, if he really likes you, but it isn’t his thing, he’ll at least think it’s cute that you like it, and once or twice or once in a while do it with you. A guy who doesn’t will complain about your hobby. And he won’t go out of his comfort zone to share it with you, to understand you better or get closer to you. Because he really isn’t interested in going the distance with you or for you. And if that’s what you want, why not find someone that does go the distance for you and who does go the distance with you. It’ll make all the difference. For more advice read, He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.

Getting a Male Friend to Stop Hitting on You

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Getting a Male Friend to Stop Hitting on You

It can be awkward when a male friend hits on you. You hate to reject them because you don’t want to hurt their feelings, or hurt your standing within your social circle. On the other hand, you don’t have any interest, or chemistry, so there’s no point in leading him on. It’ll just get worse down the line. How do you let them down gently, yet firmly enough so they won’t try again? Here are some ways to get a male friend to stop hitting on you. First, put a little space between you and him.

Cut out the smiles. Sometimes being friendly can be interpreted as flirty. Some guys see what they want. But don’t give him any ammunition. Why not introduce him to other, available women who might be interested in him? Perhaps he’s just in a dry streak and needs to meet someone new. Go through your rolodex or your phone. Check out your friends on Facebook. Be his matchmaker. When you go out, make it a mission to point out women who might be interested in him. You can kill two birds with one stone that way. Approach other women and tell them he thinks their cute and wants to say hello. Get him to buy women a drink at the bar.

If you want to turn him away, talk about other guys in front of him. The guy you’re dating, the guy at work you think is cute, your crush. It will turn him off and dampen his desire. When you get a text, pretend it’s a flirty or steamy one from the guy you are interested in. He may think the deal has been sealed and move on. Tell a story to him where a female friend of yours is being hit on by a guy who is her friend, and sound disgusted by it. See how he feels about that. Don’t hang out with him one-on-one. Instead, cancel when it occurs that way. Make up an excuse if you have to. Or invite others along to give you a cushion.

Don’t drive with him. Definitely don’t be alone in the car with him if you can help it. If you have to go in his car, bring another friend along and sit in the back seat. That sends a pretty clear message without being offensive. Be a little cold and distant if none of this works. He will back away from you. Once he gets the hint, he’ll stop hitting on you. He’ll understand borders. That awkwardness will fade. And hanging out with your friends will be fun again and carefree. For more advice read, The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships by John Gottman, Ph.D.

Common Breakup Lines Demystified

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Common Breakup Lines Demystified

Sometimes the people we date, or used to date aren’t that creative. We hear the same stale, old breakup lines coming up over and over given to us, our friends and almost anyone you care to meet. But do they mean what they say? Is it really not you but them? Here are some common if not cliché breakup lines demystified. Let’s tackle the “It’s not you it’s me” line first, probably the most famous and often utilized, even by Hollywood. This line is a total cover up. Your date doesn’t think you’re the one. On the upside, if you are getting this line the person delivering it respects you, or else they wouldn’t shoulder the blame. And they want to keep the avenue open for remaining friends which is also a positive message going in your direction. So when someone uses it, even if it’s a well- worn phrase, accept gracefully. The next one is just as common, “I need my space.” This is something someone says when they are feeling smothered. If you have needy or clingy tendencies you might have heard this one more than once. It could also mean that things are moving too fast for the person, either physically or on an emotional level. Or it could just feel that way to them. Realize that love is release. It’s a giving in. And some people, especially those who hold too tightly, have a hard time giving up control to the emotion. If you hear this line, they may just not be ready for a relationship. Consider carefully.

“I’m just too busy. Work is nuts.” Sure we are all busy. But if this person is into you, they will make time for you. So this is just an excuse. They aren’t that into you. Anyone who is into someone automatically makes time for a relationship. You don’t have to snub them. But don’t go out of your way either. Let them break it off fast and final, like tearing off a Band-Aid. It hurts a lot when you do it like that. But the pain doesn’t last long. “I think we should see other people.” When someone says this, they like you. They still want to be with you, but they want to date other people, too. They don’t want to be exclusive with you. So they’re testing the waters and seeing if you are interested or would accept this kind of arrangement. If you don’t want to get serious with this person, and want to date around, it could be okay. But if you want to be exclusive with them, better to break it off or refuse this offer. You will save yourself more heartache down the road. Lastly, “You’re too good for me” is actually an honest statement, not a line like it sounds like. This person is not ready to commit. They may be a player or dating around. Most people don’t underestimate themselves. Most go way the other way. This person isn’t ready to commit or spend the time or energy developing things. Let them go. You’ll be glad you did. For more dating advice, read It’s Not Him, It’s You: The Truth You May Not Want but Need to Hear by Christie Hartman, PhD.

Reasons Women Reject Men

rejecting woman

Reasons Women Reject Men

Rejection is so painful. It can feel like a kick between the legs. It’s actually closer to a physical blow than you think. A study out of the University of Michigan found that the pain felt by rejection is similar to that suffered from physical pain.  Whether she’s just not interested anymore, she’s seeing someone else, or she gives some other reason, the pain strikes deep. Why does it hurt so badly? Los Angeles sex therapist Brandy Engler states, “If women don’t like you, your social status is lower. It affects the way a man sees himself.” Once you’ve felt rejected it may be hard to climb out of that feeling. According to research out of Albert Einstein College, rejection looks very much like addiction in terms of the areas of the brain it affects. If you learn about the most common reasons women reject men and learn from them you can come out the other side a stronger, more capable and more confident you. The first most common rejection is when you ask her out and find yourself declined. Don’t give up right away. Most guys are crushed, get upset, or pull up stakes. Instead, remind her about what a powerful connection you two have, or that you have so much in common. Pointing out commonalities is likely to set you apart from the others clamoring for her attention, rather than just telling her how attractive you find her. While you’re at it, when selecting a date, make sure you do so on common interests, not just looks. You have a better chance of making a good match.

The second most common rejection, when you go for the kiss and she turns away. Ask her whether you are moving too fast. If she fails to respond, drop the issue. Don’t push or you are liable to make things worse. There are many reasons women do this. She may think the relationship is moving too fast for her. Perhaps she’s playing hard to get. Or she just may not be attracted to you. Stay cool. Hang in there and see what reason surfaces. You’ll know how to proceed once you find out why. You can always send her a text later asking why. If you are out on a date with her, try to break the touch barrier early and in mild, subtle ways. Grab her hand or squeeze her forearm when making a point. Put your hand at the small of her back and lead her into the venue. How she reacts to milder touching will indicate how she will respond to the kiss.  One terrible rejection is when things seem to be going great, then all of a sudden she tells you it isn’t working. Did she find someone else? Or is there a lack of chemistry? Sometimes two people seem so compatible on screen, say when you put two dating profiles side by side, but in real life, not so much. Also, pressure can dampen chemistry. Find ways to relax and enjoy each other’s company. Get her to give you one more chance and find the right location. You may see sparks fly yet. To learn more about the problems men have in love, read The Men on My Couch by Brandy Engler, Psy.D.