The Real Reason Men Cheat

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The Real Reason Men Cheat

George Mallory was the famous 1920’s mountain climber who attempted Everest in his words, “Because it’s there.” This is the reason many women think men cheat. Much like Mallory who ultimately succumbed to the world’s largest mountain, relationships are swallowed whole by such trysts. But is sex drive and opportunity the real reason men go astray? Or is there something more than the need for variety? Marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman noticed that most of the studies that looked at male infidelity examined the woman’s point of view. He decided to instead to go right to the source. Neuman interviewed 200 husbands, both those who practiced infidelity and those who remained faithful. He not only asked the cheaters why but also what could have kept them from going astray. What he found was, although we often blame insatiable lust coupled with mere opportunism, 48% of men said they did so out of emotional dissatisfaction with their primary relationship. Only 8% said they did so purely due to sexual dissatisfaction.

Neuman said that in our culture the social message we get is that all men need is food and sex to be happy. But guys are emotional creatures too. Neuman found that they also needed positive affirmation from time to time to feel appreciated by wives or girlfriends. When men felt underappreciated or their efforts unrecognized, was when their eyes began to wander. Neuman also pointed out that unlike women men are less likely to speak out about this need. It’s considered emasculating to seek appreciation or approval. Instead, women in relationships who want to solidify them should consider what her man brings to the table and show her appreciation for him. In fact, if she does so he will likely reciprocate, setting up a virtuous cycle dynamic. 68% of those who went astray said they never dreamed of cheating. Almost every cheater interviewed said they felt remorse. Most responded that if they could do it all over again, they would have remained faithful. Though they are emotional, the male of our species is different. Men are able to compartmentalize feelings in ways women cannot, the counselor said. These feelings are boxed and shoved away, to be dealt with at a later date. The takeaway is if you think you’re guy will never cheat, think again. But if you both put a little effort into having the kind of relationship you want, trussed with kindness and appreciation then you have nothing to worry about.

Want to get a sense of whether or not your man might cheat? Take a good, hard look at his friends. 77% of cheaters had a friend who cheated. This subconsciously legitimizes the act. Certainly you have to trust your husband or boyfriend and can’t tell him who to hang with and who he can’t. However, be aware of things, spend time amongst other happy couples and invest in your love. That should be more than enough to cheat-proof your relationship. 44% of cheaters met the other woman at work. “Oftentimes the woman he cheats with at the office is someone who praises him, looks up to him, and compliments his efforts,” Neuman said. This is even more reason to validate him at home. If he starts mentioning a female colleague very often, it may be time to have a conversation. Find out how he has been feeling. Talk about boundaries with a coworker of the opposite sex, for both of you. Find little ways or some time where you two can be more loving and feel connected. 6% cheated the same night they met. That means for the majority they got to know her. They developed a relationship. Notice when you two aren’t connecting. Don’t ignore it, clear the air and work on it together. There is a timeframe before most men cheat. If when things ebb you can reconnect, you’ll be faithful to one another and have a long and happy relationship together. To learn more, pick up a copy of the book, The Truth About Cheating by M. Gary Neuman.

The Aftereffects of Cheating on a Marriage

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The Aftereffects of Cheating on a Marriage

Once you find out about cheating, it can cut you so deep that it feels as though the pain will never go away. If you are the cheater you start to realize how getting sucked up in the moment can have tremendous consequences on your life. But what are the real aftereffects of cheating on a marriage? If you are staying together, it means trying to pick up the pieces and reestablish trust, no easy feat there. You may feel like you are in jail or constantly on trial in your own house. If you are the victim of cheating you’ll feel like you’re living with a criminal, someone who reminds you constantly of the betrayal, someone you are always suspicious of no matter what they are doing. It’s hard to reestablish trust and it takes lots of time.

If you aren’t staying together, realize that unless the assets were used to conduct an affair, no fault divorce laws in every state means that cheating has no legal bearing on the separation of assets. In Florida the law is such that if a husband was meeting a lover, let’s say at a hotel room using his and his wife’s shared account, if she can prove it she can recoup that money. Adultery may come into play in a custody battle if the lawyer can prove that it shows evidence of that person being a bad parent.

The psychological aftereffects of cheating after divorce are low self-esteem, anxiety, anger and the need for revenge, depression and for some a disconnect from reality. Sometimes you realize the affair all of a sudden and it ends the marriage. Sometimes it’s one person’s dirty little secret that the other knows about, but tolerates for a time. But sooner or later enough is enough. Either way when you find out you’ve been cheated on the pain can be overwhelming. And when it leads to a divorce it is compounded, especially if it is a long, drawn out and painful divorce with fighting over the assets or custody of the children.

Lots of people need to rest after that, reconnect with themselves, their friends, and their family. They have to get used to being divorced and being single again. There are lots of adjustments to be made. Where will you live? Do you have to go back to work? There’s the need for validation which usually comes from dating again or a rebound relationship. Am I attractive? Will others find me sexy? Sooner or later everyone gets over infidelity even if it leads to divorce. It’s a painful journey but light is at the end of that tunnel. Usually things fall into place in the long run. For more help with recovering from an affair, read the book, Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD): The Six Stages of Healing by Dennis C. Ortman, Ph.D.

When You Don’t Want a Divorce but your Spouse Does

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When You Don’t Want a Divorce but your Spouse Does

Oftentimes one person in a marriage wants to call it quits while the other wants to work things out. For the person who wants out, it’s over. They feel they’ve tried and tried. There’s no hope of reconciliation from where they sit. The majority of those in this position are women, as women are the majority of those who serve their husband’s divorce papers. Lots of men, ignoring the problems in their marriage, suffer what has been labeled as “sudden divorce syndrome.” But it certainly isn’t always the case. There are definitely men who get fed up with their wives and want out, too. Usually, this is when the other person panics. They try desperately to change things, to make the other person happy. But often they tend to further push their partner away rather than bring them back into their orbit. So what do you do when you don’t want a divorce but your spouse does? Are there any moves you can make to try and save the marriage or is it all just hopeless? There’s no way to make sure that they see it your way and warm to reconciliation. However, positive changes can make an impression. It’s possible to bring a marriage back from the brink and plenty of other couples have done so before. Here are some ideas on how to save a marriage.

Do not beg them to stay. This is perhaps the worst thing you can do. Crying and pleading never work. If they feel like it’s too late to change anything, you will only further solidify that idea in their mind by partaking in this kind of behavior. Don’t block them if that’s their idea. But don’t exacerbate the issue by say leaving the family home first. Do not exacerbate the situation. It sounds simple but many people in this tenuous situation often take part in other behaviors that make matters worse. If you have been unfaithful, call off the affair. If you have been whining, nagging and overly critical learn how to stop those things from happening and instead supplant them with positive behaviors. If you have trouble controlling your temper and this has been what has been driving a wedge between you two, seek counseling, go to anger management classes and get a handle on the problem. Many people at this point want to bring up the transgressions of their partner. But you can’t control the past. And you can’t control your partner. The only thing you have absolute control over in this marriage is yourself. If you want to see positive change happen and talk the marriage off of the ledge you will have to change those negative things for which you yourself contribute and that are causing strife. If you do make progress and want your spouse to consider couple’s therapy with you, your first step forward may be making progress on your own issues.

Are you spying on your spouse because you think they are having an affair? Stop. Are you pressuring them to go to counseling with you? Cut it out. Do you keep badgering your spouse for one more change? Don’t do it anymore. Are you reading their emails, texts and stalking them on their social media sites? Give it a rest. This behavior will only further push them into the divorce camp. If you want them to reconsider the marriage you will have to give them some space. If you smother them you will drive them away. Don’t demand anything from them at this time. Don’t take part in blaming behavior. Take a good look at the negative patterns you and your spouse take part in. You are a scientist researching a phenomenon. Give your spouse time and space. Consider what their complaints are in the marriage. Are they legitimate? What are you doing that is helping to drive them away? Show them concrete evidence that this time you are making different choices and working on your issues, out of love for them, yourself and for the sake of the marriage. Once you understand what triggers your problems, and what you do to help set them off, you can counteract that behavior. And that is the first and most important step. For more on this topic, pick up a copy of Fighting for Your Marriage by Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley and Susan L. Blumberg. 

Key Warning signs a Man is Cheating

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Key Warning signs a Man is Cheating

Want to know if your man is cheating? According to a new book by best-selling relationship author and TV show DAYTIME love life adviser Lisa Daily, there are key warning signs to watch out for to see whether or not he is cheating. In her new book Is He Cheating? : Crack the Cheat Code and Find out Right Now if He is Cheating or Not, Why He Cheats, and What You Need to Do Next, she elaborates on the warning signs. This may be a timely book. A recent study out of Indiana University found that infidelity rates are rising. According to Daily, she wrote this latest book at the request of thousands of women who wrote her letters asking her why men cheat and what to do about it. According to Daily, “The scenarios are different, but the fear and worry and heartbreak are always the same. After a while, I started noticing that there were very specific patterns in the behavior of the men who were cheating. Once I began researching infidelity behavior in-depth, I realized there was a definite and predictable pattern to men’s affairs — everything from what they told their wives and girlfriends to where they stashed the evidence. This ‘cheat code’ of utterly predictable cheating behavior became the basis of “Is He Cheating?

Men who generally cheat according to Daily drive more aggressively, love horror movies, are doctors or lawyers or in some other power position and often fall asleep right after sex. Daily says the worst sign however is “The pre-paid cell phone or secret SIM card.” Daily covers how to snoop and where to look for clues, how to safeguard a relationship from infidelity and the biggest mistakes women make when confronting their man about the subject. Women can hardly function when they fear their mate isn’t faithful says the author. “Infidelity affects women profoundly — the fear, stress, and worry that their partner is cheating spreads like a cancer to every other area of their lives, affecting their jobs, their friendships, their self-esteem, and their children. Until women find out the truth, their lives just continue to unravel. Once you find the first piece of proof, his entire story starts to fall apart. And that’s the first step to getting the resolution you need.” Certainly women are capable of running their own lives without being crushed by a problem in their love life. Still, Daily’s advice should help lots of women who are wondering over and over again and can’t make heads or tails over whether there man is cheating or if there is something else going on.

Scientists found a Cheating Gene

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A British extra-marital affair website called Elicit Encounters has just finished a poll of 2,000 women and found that 75% of those who cheated had a mother who had an affair. 62% of these said that their mother’s choice to cheat had a direct influence on their decision to go astray. 54% of men said that their father’s infidelity made them more comfortable with having an affair. Some scientists today even believe that cheating is genetic. Researchers from the State University of New York in conjunction with Binghamton University found that 50% of those who had the DRD4 gene, also known as the thrill seeking gene, had more acts of infidelity and more sexual partners. This is one variation of the dopamine receptor D4 polymorphism or DRD4. According to Justin Garcia, lead researcher on this study, those who had the gene “were more likely to have a history of uncommitted sex, including one-night stands and acts of infidelity.” Gambling addiction and alcoholism are also associated with this gene. By influencing brain chemistry the gene influences a person’s behavior. The rush of dopamine to the reward and pleasure centers of the brain is what someone with this active gene craves.

181 students took part in this study. They took a survey that was anonymous detailing their sexual history. Questions such as whether or not they’d been unfaithful and how many sex partner they had had previous were included. A special mouthwash was then used for each participant to see what their genetic makeup was like and if they indeed had the gene DRD4. This gene does have a variation with longer alleles and those that have this variety are more likely to be promiscuous and take part in infidelity. Those that had 7 repeat alleles or more were twice as likely to have taken part in promiscuous sex or a “one night stand.” According to Garcia, “It turns out everyone has got the gene.”  The difference is how pronounced it is. “Just as height varies, the amount of information in the gene varies. In those who have more, their alleles are longer and they are more prone to thrill-seeking,” said Garcia. He went on to say, “It’s inheritable, too. If your parents have it, you have it.” What varies is how impactful the dopamine surge is. Those who have longer alleles need more dopamine to rush to the pleasure centers of the brain in order to feel satisfied. To give an example, Garcia says that when it comes to sex, “It’s rewarding and makes us excited and gives us pleasure. But the people with the DRD4 gene need more stimuli to feel satiated. Some of them say ‘wow, that was a rush’ after jumping out of a plane. Others ask, ‘When is the plane going back up?’” For more on this topic, read Mean Genes by Terry Burnham and Jay Phelan.