Should You Stay with Someone Who Doesn’t Want to Get Married?

long term

Should You Stay with Someone Who Doesn’t Want to Get Married?

Sometimes you are at a point in a relationship where you are so in love, everything seems perfect. You and your partner have been together for quite some time and you are expecting things to progress. But when you broach the idea of marriage, the other person gets anxious or defensive. Perhaps they don’t believe in marriage. Maybe they’ve been down that road before. Or maybe you get a noncommittal “we’ll be married, someday” without a hard date to count on. If you are with someone who is eluding your efforts to get married, or just says they don’t believe in it, while you do, what do you do? You could hand them an ultimatum, either marry me or I will find someone who will. But that usually doesn’t end well. Should you stay with someone who doesn’t want to get married? That depends on a number of factors. First, are they against marriage in total or just marrying you? If the relationship is mutually beneficial, warm, open, loving and stable but marriage is against your partner’s personal philosophy then you can negotiate and come to some sort of compromise. If this person is just biding their time with you until someone better comes along then this person is not the one for you.

Another important thing to do is to search your feelings about marriage. Why is it that you feel as though you need to get married? For some, it has something to do with their culture or religion. Others are being pressured by a family member. It could be something you have always dreamed of. Or it might be because all of your friends have gotten married. Start to uncover what your real feelings are about getting married and why you feel that way. It will give you a better perspective on why it is so important to you and how to address the issue. If you just want to walk down the aisle, have a great reception and be the center of attention, think of the aftermath. You are supposed to spend decades of life with this person, living side-by-side. So you want to make sure your desire to get married is genuine. Then consider the person themselves. Is this who you really want to spend the rest of your life with? Do they love you? Are they supportive? What’s the communication situation like? How is the sex? If you were both thrown into a crisis situation together, would your relationship make it through? You don’t want to set yourself up for divorce.

Don’t just wait around for a proposal and brood. That will never make it happen. If you’ve still decided this person is right for you, discuss all the insights that you’ve come to with your partner. Don’t pressure them with an ultimatum. They will probably pull away from you. That won’t get you anywhere. Instead, slowly get your partner used to the notion. Introduce things subtly and make the idea seem like theirs. British psychologist Anjula Mutanda says to ask your partner, “If we were to get married, what would be your ideal way of doing it?” Agree with their answer and make it sound as if you are very impressed. Keep subtly moving things along like this and see if you get anywhere. If you want to take a more straightforward approach, sit them down in a comfortable place when you are both in a good mood. Make sure it is free of distractions. Compliment your partner and tell them what they’ve done right and what personality traits you adore about them. Tell them how close you feel to them and how much the relationship means to you. Let them know the reasons why you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Explain to them in a calm manner why marriage is so important to you and why you want that person to be them. Tell them you aren’t pressuring them or giving them an ultimatum. Let them know that you can make each other so happy. And then give them time to think about your thoughts and feelings and let the matter drop. Don’t blame. Don’t be defensive. Instead, use a positive, complimentary and romantic approach. If they still refuse to marry you, you’ll have to be ready to either move on or settle for not ever being married. But if they really love you and you were meant to be together, you two will find a way forward. For tips on being extremely persuasive in your quest read, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert B. Cialdini.

Signs you have a Needy Man

needy

Signs you have a Needy Man

There are times we all feel a bit needy or insecure.  But if the guy you are dating is always that way, it can be a real drag. You become his mother rather than a partner. Instead, learn the warning signs so that you can steer clear of a needy man. First, how often do you two stay in touch? It’s normal to text throughout the day, text or call in the morning or in the evening before bed. But if he’s texting you every other hour for prolonged periods, and calling you all the time he may be needy. Any guy who is calling or texting in the middle of the night is definitely needy. And what are these conversations about? Are they mostly about him and his problems? Or is it just an intense love where you can’t stand to be apart? If you are always talking about his problems, trying to help him, or pumping him up because he has low self-esteem issues, you might have a needy man on your hands. Has it been a short time and he is already talking about the future, moving in together, marriage or even kids? Any guy who is hastening the relationship along instead of letting it take its natural course is needy.

How often is he sweet talking you? Of course it’s only natural for a guy to sweet talk in the beginning. And a man should complement his woman at least every now and then. It validates her and makes her feel desired. But if your guy is showering you in complements all day every day, he’s the needy kind. Either that or he feels guilty of cheating. Either way it spells doom for your relationship. What about when you want to spend time with your friends? How does he act? If he gets jealous of them he is definitely needy. Does he ever give you ultimatums; either hangout with him or another person, or people? He’s definitely needy. No one should give you an ultimatum. If he was really interested in you then he would go with you to hang out with your friends together instead of making it either him or them.

Does your man stalk your social networks? If you can’t make a comment, like something or post something without him being all over it, your guy is needy. Does your guy have his own friends? Sometimes a sweet guy will cancel plans with his bros just to hang with you. But if he does it all the time or even if he’s shed all his friends to make his whole life about you, you have a needy man. Make sure when you choose someone, they have the same intensity of commitment as you. If you are just dating around, you certainly don’t want anyone needy. If you are looking for a long term relationship, choose someone who is on the same commitment level as you. Find a real partner and things will develop and deepen. For more dating advice read, Safe People: How to Find Relationships that are Good for You and Avoid those that Aren’t by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

Relationship Jekyll and Hyde

872250a Film Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

Are you dating or getting to know someone who acts differently toward you when they are with their friends than when you two are alone together? What’s with that? You are dealing with a relationship Jekyll and Hyde. Here’s how you deal with it and how to know what behaviors to be concerned with. First, determine how radically this person’s attitude changes. Most people change slightly depending upon the setting. You yourself of course act differently with your parents than your friends, or coworkers versus the people that you date. And this is normal. But if the person’s personality shifts so radically that you can’t tell who the real person is, perhaps you should inch away from him or her.  If a real relationship actually develops with this person the foundation of it will be insecure. And who wants to enter into a rocky relationship with forewarning? Think about what it is about this person’s behavior or personality that bothers you. Is it because you have preconceived notions on how he or she is supposed to act around you? If they are intimate and close with you but far away or even mean to you when you are with people, talk to him or her about it. What is the issue? Why do they act this way?

If they refuse to change their behavior, don’t be with them. They aren’t reliable. Either they believe their friends won’t accept you and so ridicule or ignore you in public because the social group is more important than you, or they have problems opening up and showing their feelings in public. Either way, their hang up seems more important than you. Vocalize this. Sit down and have a talk with them. If they wish to see this relationship continue, have an ultimatum, they either have to treat you right and validate your relationship publicly, or risk losing you. There’s no reason for you to be with someone who doesn’t validate the relationship publicly. That doesn’t mean you two have to be all over each other in PDA’s, making everyone sick. It does however mean that they treat you right in front of others, acknowledge the relationship and be proud of it. Ask them why they don’t want to validate it. Do they have commitment issues? Is there some reason why his or her friends won’t find you socially acceptable? If they refuse to take part in any dialogue, you’re obviously not of concern to them. Move on and hold your head up high. But if they really do like you and want to invest the time in growing your relationship, they will open up and you’ll have a place to start from, and somewhere to go. If you feel that you are being mistreated in your relationship, read the advice of Michael and Shelly Marshall in their book, Respect-Me Rules.

Giving an Ultimatum

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Giving an ultimatum should not be a go-to strategy in a normal social situation. If so, you will wear out friends and romantic partners quickly. Instead, an ultimatum should be a move of little resort, when you’ve endured a lot of pain or trauma due to your relationship with this person. An ultimatum can change a relationship entirely, and put a person back on the proper path. Someone may wake up and make amends, or stop toxic or painful behavior such as substance abuse or infidelity, when they realize that they are going to lose you. Otherwise, they may stick with their bad behavior. But at least you tried, and now you know that this isn’t the relationship for you. Make sure this is your last straw if you issue an ultimatum, and plan to go through with it. If it fizzles out but you don’t walk away, the person will lose respect for you. The first step is to think carefully about the reasons why you want to issue your romantic partner an ultimatum. Make sure that there aren’t any other avenues open to you. Search your heart and make sure you are ready to leave this person if they don’t change their toxic behavior.

Make sure you are calm and ready when you issue the ultimatum. If you are still carrying negative feelings with you like anger, frustration, hurt and so on, it will come out when you confront your partner. The focus shouldn’t be on your negative feelings, but your concern for them and your need for them to change their behavior, if they value your relationship and wish for it to continue. Make sure your estimate of the chances of success is concrete and realistic. If your significant other is a hardcore alcoholic and not very fond of you, chances are your ultimatum won’t succeed. Make sure the time you choose to talk is appropriate. It should be when you are both free, without company, and at a stress free time. Plan it out in advance. Make your ultimatum reasonable. Make sure it’s an achievable goal for the other person. You can expect them to make amends and moves to say quit a bad habit. But they aren’t going to be able to change who they are. Make sure what you expect is clearly communicated. Expect them to react negatively, at least at first. But if they really love you, and are already starting to recognize that they have a problem, this may be the shakeup they need to save themselves, and your relationship. If you’re in a relationship where you feel that your partner needs to change, read the advice of Kevin Darne in his book, My Cat Won’t Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany).

Are you in a One Sided Relationship?

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In every relationship there should be some give and take. Sure some people are givers, some are takers, and some keep tallies. It’s not always a clean cut 50-50. But even givers have to take sometimes. Even takers have to give. When a relationship is only one-sided it can be draining. And it isn’t fair. It can also mean the other person is immature, or it means they don’t care enough about you to put forth the effort. Are you in a one sided relationship? How can you tell? There are plenty of clues to let you know if all of the attention, love, energy, and affection is going in one direction. Are you getting compliments or are you the only one who is giving them? Everyone needs validation once in a while. But if the compliments are only going in one direction the relationship is only one sided. Does your love interest make plenty of time with their friends but none for you? If you aren’t ever taken out for a movie, dinner, or drinks but they’re partying it up with their friends, your relationship may not be more than a casual thing. If you are dating this person but still end up feeling single on the weekends, then your relationship is one dimensional.

Have you met this person’s family or friends? Have they met yours? If they’ve met yours and you haven’t met there’s, this is a troubling sign. What do they say when you ask about this? If they keep bringing up relationships of the past and how they got their heart broken, or tell you that they don’t believe in marriage or true love, you may want to stand up and take notice. This person is saying loud and clear that they don’t want a long term, monogamous commitment. Next, you need to evaluate if they are emotionally unavailable. Do you know anyone in common? If you can find out what their previous relationships were like, you can see whether they are like this with everyone or just with you. But if you are in a one-sided relationship you need to sit down and talk to this person. Why do they act this way? If it is really that they are afraid of getting hurt, but they are also afraid of losing you, suggest that they seek counseling. Couple’s counseling may be just the thing. But if they don’t want to address the issue with you, and you don’t want to just date them casually, give them an ultimatum. They either need to start respecting you and the relationship, commit to it and be a part of it, or you two should stop dating. They will either wake up and see that they are losing you, and become a part of things, or they will pull away. Sometimes we make excuses for ourselves why a certain person acts a certain way. But reading these warning signs should then be a wakeup call for you to stand up and take action. Go for what you want in life, don’t be afraid, and don’t settle for less than you deserve. One sided relationships are common, and you can find helpful advice through books such as, Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy: Why Women Settle for One-Sided Relationships by Jill P. Weber.