Unhealthy Relationship Warning Signs

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Unhealthy Relationship Warning Signs

Do you know the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship? You’d better or else you could be in one and not even know it. Sure you might feel deep down something is wrong. But you’d be surprised how many people chug along in a relationship that is weighing them down or slowly poisoning them psychologically and they don’t even realize it. Here are the warning signs, see if you recognize them in your own relationship. First, what is the lying situation like?

Are you lying about small things? Do you tell a web of lies, one to cover up another and so on? If you aren’t a pathological liar by nature, then it is likely serious issues in the relationship that are making you lie. What about your partner? Are they lying all the time too? If you suspect they are lying, even on small matters, or worse if you’ve given up on whether they are being truthful or not, your relationship is rocky at best. Once the bond of trust has been severed, it’s hard to restore it. The next warning sign is infidelity. If one or both of you have gone astray, not only has the trust bond been severed but you’ve both been hurt emotionally. And what caused the cheating to begin with? This is a serious warning sign.

Do you have a secret goal that you wish your partner would achieve? If you have secret desires for them you haven’t shared, then go ahead and share them. Sit down with them and see if they want to commit to accomplishing whatever it is you have in mind. But to harbor them and have them affect you, thereby affecting the relationship, is a poor way to conduct yourself and it hurts your partner without either one of you knowing it. When they aren’t living up to some imagined expectation you punish them, even though they have no idea why. Is there jealousy issues? If you or your partner try to cut the other down, say separate someone from their friends because they are popular, or trying to get them fired because they are successful, a toxic jealousy has crept into the relationship. This will drive you two apart if it isn’t dealt with.

Being overly insecure and jealous of the opposite sex is another red flashing, warning sign. When you aren’t feeling any emotional intimacy the relationship is down the tubes. Reestablish it by reconnecting, or drift apart. If there is no sex in the relationship, this is a big sign that problems are deep and profound. Do you or your partner set each other up for a fall, just to say, “I told you so”? This is a warning sign that things aren’t going well. Find ways to turn this relationship around or get out of it. For more advice read, Love Is a Choice: The Definitive Book on Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships by Dr. Robert Hemfelt, Dr. Frank Minirth, and Dr. Paul Meier.

What to Do if You Find Yourself in a Toxic Relationship

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What to Do if You Find Yourself in a Toxic Relationship

Are you in a toxic relationship? Sometimes it dawns on you all-of-a-sudden. At other times, you slowly come to realize that something is very wrong. If you aren’t sure, here are some signs. Is there a lack of respect in your relationship? Do you avoid one another and loathe the time you spend together? Does the atmosphere fill with negative energy whenever you are in the same room? Does the idea of spending time with your spouse or partner fill you with dread? Is there a lot of contempt and insults flying like knives whenever you are in a room together? If any of these sound familiar, then the relationship is toxic. Sometimes things get way off track, or something happened that the relationship is having difficulty recovering from, the death of a child perhaps or infidelity on the part of one or both partners. At other times, it’s the buildup of many unresolved problems that start to drive a wedge between the two. The more differences the further apart they are.

In a toxic relationship you can feel emotionally abused, neglected, manipulated, taken for granted, or deprived of a sex life. Your spouse or partner could have cleared out the joint account, disappeared for days on end or buffeted you with one juvenile remark after another. Whatever the situation, when you find yourself in a toxic relationship, where there is no way of resuscitating it and bringing it back to life, you have to find a way to extricate yourself as painlessly as possible, and that can be tricky. Though many relationships can be saved, in the case of one or both parties hurting each other repeatedly, a clean break is best. There are three easy steps that you can use to get out with as little discomfort as possible. First, have a clear understanding of why you want to leave. A charming lover can muddy the waters, confuse you, woo you back and make you forget, for a time, why exactly it was you were leaving. You need to have concrete examples you can hang onto when things get confusing. You can even make yourself a little slogan or mantra to remind yourself of why.

Make a clean break. Decide when you are moving out or when you are breaking up with them, do it and then close off all avenues of contact. You don’t want to get sucked back in again. Many feel vulnerable after a breakup. That means you may be more likely to be receptive to their charms. Also, seeing and hearing from them will keep those wounds fresh. You want to be given the chance to heal and move on. Unfriend them from your social media pages and erase them from your phone. It may seem drastic but it will also be effective. If you work with this person or see them regularly, keep distance. Be professional if not slightly cold and don’t slow down to chat when you see them in the hallway. Give them a polite nod, say hello and keep moving. Sooner or later they’ll get the message and will stop trying to get your attention. Feel your self-worth. It is when we feel bad about ourselves that we are the most vulnerable. When we feel good about ourselves, we usually won’t put up with foolishness. Don’t get sentimental about the relationship. Remember what they put you through and that you deserve better. For more advice read, Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, & Other Toxic People by Peace.

Are You Settling in your Relationship?

Image of young upset female in quarrel with her husband

Are You Settling in your Relationship?

There are lots of reasons people settle for less in their relationships. Some people believe they won’t be loved by anyone else. Others fear being single. Still others think that they’ve committed some unforgivable transgression and that they owe their partner. Your significant other may be good looking, successful, funny and charming. Others may have even convinced you to stay even though you’ve considered leaving.

Still, no matter how great they are if you still feel a cold, hollow place in your heart as you continue to stick with them, you may be doing yourself, and them, more harm than good. That’s because you won’t give the relationship your best. And those unfulfilled spaces will still need to be filled, whether you ignore them or not, which can lead to infidelity and a host of other issues. The relationship will eventually flounder because people put into them what they get out of them. If your partner senses that you are unfulfilled they will give less, you will do so in return and the relationship will eventually come apart. Often when we’re settling we justify it to ourselves and exist in denial. So how do you know if you are settling in your relationship? Here are the signs.

How do you feel when you think about the relationship? Does it edify you or make you sad? Does your partner challenge you, support you, and try to make you the best person you can be? The trouble could be that your partner is too focused on their own situation, or that they are too critical and this can weigh heavily on the relationship. Do you feel you have to become a different person, changing your dreams, values and objectives to be acceptable to your partner? Is there a level of physical or emotional abuse? If so, this relationship is codependent. That means you serve your partner, putting their needs, wants and desires ahead of yours. You definitely need to get out of a codependent relationship. They will try to suck you back in. But in the end this type of relationship is toxic. You will never enjoy it, nor will you be free.

Another problem you should never put up with is repeated infidelity. If your partner has cheated more than once, even after you’ve given them another chance or more than one, it’s time to kick them to the curb. They are not trustworthy, and trust should be the bedrock of any relationship. If you feel that you give too much and get too little in return, it’s a clear sign that you are settling. For more advice read, Don’t Settle for Any Old Soulmate by L. R. Lawrence.

Signs your Marriage Could be heading Toward Divorce

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Signs your Marriage Could be heading Toward Divorce

A marriage is certainly a significant relationship in one’s life. It can be hard to be in a marriage when you don’t know what to expect, what you are doing and how it’s exactly supposed to be. Usually couples grope through the process together, learn about one another and how to interact in a positive way. What’s really important is to know yourself deeply before you get married. Lots of times people enter into marriage without really knowing themselves intimately. But how can you strive to know your spouse without first truly knowing yourself? Oftentimes something we dismiss in the beginning actually becomes significant as time wears on. Lots of people have the experience after a relationship is over to look back and wonder how they never recognized the pattern, how they ever took their expectations of the relationship seriously and or are shocked at their own behavior in that relationship. Many of the divorced go through a similar yet far more intense experience. The best way to understand the paradigm and interworking’s of your relationship is to first understand your own romantic patterns. A good exercise then is to write down what attracted you to that person, if the attraction lasted, and if the picture of that person in your head matched the reality of who they were. Consider how long the relationship lasted. What was it that finally ended the relationship? Now when you are done with all of your previous romantic relationships, up to and including your spouse, what patterns do you see?

When you are courting or dating you are trying to impress one another. But when you are married you start to realize that there is a whole psychological world underneath in your spouse. As time goes on, more and more of that side of you and them are revealed and you really get to know your spouse, deep down. When this occurs it can be a chance to build a deep, satisfying, abiding relationship. But you can also find lots of things that you don’t really like. In fact, as time goes on some people find out more and more how different they are from their spouse. Other people grow apart, or change. What’s more, negative behaviors may arise. If they aren’t turned around it can be deadly for the relationship. It’s important to watch out for warning signs that your spouse has or you and your spouse have toxic negative behaviors that could mean that you are heading toward a divorce. Here are some things to watch out for. Do you and your partner have a lack of communication? Can you easily express how you feel or do you two avoid certain issues? When communication is met with aggression, moodiness or the silent treatment, you have a serious problem in this marriage. Avenues of communication have to be open or else the bond between you sooner or later will be so strained that it will sever.

Is your spouse unpredictable, irresponsible or immature? Having difficulty holding down a job, trouble making future plans, and always engineering small crises to get attention? This is not behavior that should be tolerated. What’s more, a marriage has to be built on a foundation of mutual respect. You cannot respect someone that cannot get their life together. If they disappear and return without any excuses or cannot be trusted with money or time, if you cannot depend on your spouse, and are always bailing them out or filled with anxiety, wondering what they are doing, this is not a healthy marriage. This is a toxic relationship. You and your spouse should get marriage counseling. If they refuse, you have to seriously consider your options. The same goes for lack of trust. Abusive behavior too, either emotional or physical, should never be tolerated. Be wary when your friends and family don’t like your spouse. If they’ve shown serious reservations and support for you, it may be time to seriously reassess this relationship. Controlling or manipulative behavior is a giant red flag. If you two have been hitting a brick wall over and over on the same relationship problems it may be time to seek couple’s counseling. If you are still having trouble deciding pick up a copy of, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum.

How to tell if your Spouse is a Bully

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How to tell if your Spouse is a Bully

We don’t often think of our loved one’s as bullies. Instead we think of them as the bullies of days gone past in the schoolyard, in the high school locker room or even the boss who bully’s his or her employees. But bullying can and does happen in close personal relationships. Some people know right away when they are being bullied by their spouse. Others have a hard time recognizing the signs. If you are confused and think the lines are blurred then here’s how to tell if your spouse is a bully. First consider what types of exchanges you are having. Do you have arguments that just get a little heated? Does respect still inhabit arguments? Or is there name calling? Name calling is textbook bullying behavior. These could be cuss words. Or belittling could be a part of it such as calling someone a weakling or an idiot. Taunting is another classic bullying behavior. If your spouse tries to attack you verbally or even physically and they taunt you when you defend yourself, this is bullying behavior. “Go ahead, I dare you.” “What are you going to do?” Or “Tell whoever you want, they’ll take my side,” are all taunts used to help control the intended target.

Physical aggressiveness may follow along with long diatribes or tirades. They may get sexually or otherwise physically abusive. If you are ever attacked you should definitely get out of this relationship. It is never your fault. This relationship is toxic and the longer you stay in it the worse things will be for you. Even verbal abuse should not be tolerated. But once the abuse turns physical this is your cue to get out of there as soon as you can and in the safest manner possible. Does your spouse take part in controlling or manipulative behavior? If there is little to no autonomy in your relationship chances are you are being bullied. This is to make you feel inferior and project their supremacy. Does your spouse talk poorly about your in front of others? Public shaming, belittling or put downs are classic bullying behavior. Things like, “This is how much of an idiot she is…”, “He thinks he can be a real businessman, ha…” or “He thinks he’s the best handyman. Look how terrible a job he did…” are all put downs no one should put up with. Inadequacy and low self-image are two of the reasons a bully will attack others, even a spouse. Seek help, counseling and get out of this toxic relationship. No one deserves to be bullied, especially by the person they love. For more on this topic, pick up a copy of It’s My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock.