Bra that opens when she finds “The One”

bra

Bra that opens when she finds “The One”

Introducing another startling love related invention that has come out of where else but Japan. Here we have the world’s first “smart bra.” This undergarment created by Japanese lingerie company Ravijour claims it knows how women really feel, so much so that the bra opens when she finds “The One.” But how does it know? When we fall in love, hormones secreted increase the heart rate. The bra has a built in sensor that detects this heart rate increase and opens the bra.

The garment works like a modern day chastity belt, keeping the girls locked away until the man of her dreams walks in and quickens her pulse. When her heartbeat reaches the crucial level the bra opens to end sessions of awkward fumbling just before the penultimate moment of truth.  Sure there are phone charging rain boots and hats that help you find Wi-Fi. But this may be the strangest wearable tech around. Ravijour has its own sexuality specialist on staff who states on the company’s promotional video, “When we fall in love, we experience an instant boost in excitement. That feeling is unlike any other excitement we encounter in life.”

The company’s hopes for this item are not small. Saying of his invention the creator of the smart bra stated, “Until now, the bra was just a piece of clothing to remove. But now it is an instrument to test for true love … destined to become a friend of women around the world.” What isn’t discussed is if the bra will open at times when the lady’s heart rate increases yet isn’t in the throes of passion with her beau? When she is just told of some horrible news, when she’s seeing a Thriller with friends or her parents, when something startling happens at work or she gets to be a guest on a game show. Will her bra open at these inopportune times? What if she wants to get involved with someone physically but isn’t in love? Where is this technology leading also? Certainly we don’t want too much tech in the bedroom.

There is fear of too much being revealed, especially through social media websites. In the age of “revenge porn” we are reminded that positive technologies often do have unforeseen consequences. Nor do we want to export all of our decisions about our bodies to some gizmo or smart device with a socially constructed idea of what courtship and love should be like. Sometimes the best lessons come from when we are unencumbered by outside forces such as societal views of what is proper when. Sure the smart bra seems fun, and is probably just a publicity stunt to get exposure, but we have to protect ourselves from the encroachment of technology into the more private realms of our lives. To learn more about technology’s impact on modern dating read, Love in the Time of Algorithms: What Technology Does to Meeting and Mating by Dan Slater.

Myths that Keep Us from Love

BAD-DATE

Myths that Keep Us from Love

There’s lots of dating advice out there that while the speaker’s intent is sincere, the message is actually an obstacle rather than a way forward. There are myths that keep us from love rather than helping us find it. The first myth is playing it cool. Conventional wisdom goes that you shouldn’t let on how interested you are in a person, or else they may find you desperate or needy. This isn’t true at all.

Our belief in playing hard to get shouldn’t be absolute. You can use it if the person you are after is emotionally unavailable. Otherwise, be nice and open. Who doesn’t want those qualities in a relationship? If they reciprocate then this might be the person you are looking for. But they should at least respect these qualities. If playing it cool works for you that’s great. But if you aren’t really that type, or haven’t tried it, you’ll flub it. So be yourself. Feel it out and act accordingly. Make sure you draw boundaries. Don’t get taken advantage of. But if someone is frightened off by openness than they weren’t ready for a relationship to begin with. And if that’s what you’re looking for, thank your lucky stars and move on.

We are often told that all we need is a little self-confidence. Confidence is great if mixed with some modesty. But projecting cool and confident can make you look like a superficial snob, or an egotistical jerk. Its better if you let your date know about your shyness, anxiety, or other issues. You don’t have to lay them all out before them. But just be who you are. Own yourself, including your faults. If you have come to terms with your shortcomings, why not show your date this? Anyone who is worthwhile will recognize it and see it as a great asset. If you’re nervous on a date just be honest and say that you’re nervous. You’re date will probably think it’s cute. If they’re worth your time they’ll try to get you to relax. Even admitting it will help you to relax. And then if they’re helping you, all of a sudden you two are jiving, and isn’t that what a date’s all about? Be as cool, witty and charming as you normally are. You can amp it up a little bit. But don’t portray a false confidence. It almost always falls flat.

Lastly, the numbers game is a myth that should be debunked. Many people believe that with the power of the internet, they can go on a ton of dates and will, out of the mass of people they’ve encountered, unearth the one they’ve been looking for. The exact opposite is true. You will feel a kind of dating fatigue after so many dates. People will start to look the same. You will feel numb, give your date less of a chance and be less willing to connect. It will actually get in the way. Strive for quality over quantity. Only respond or date people you have things in common with. The more in common the better the date. With these myths debunked, consider your love life simplified. For more dating advice read, Is This The One?-Insightful Dates for Finding the Love of Your Life by Stephen Arterburn.

Finding the Right Person

match

Finding the Right Person

Dating around is great. You get to meet so many different people, see your real likes and dislikes, and have so many romantic adventures. But there comes a time in almost everyone’s life, from the love bug who just hasn’t found the one to the player who is tired of the game, when it’s time to settle down and find love. Here are some strategies to help in finding the right person. First, you need to change your mindset completely. Most people date willy-nilly, pushed by the winds of fate to this person or to that. But this will be a conscious effort. It’s like looking for a job, the important part is meeting people and networking until what you’re looking for rises to the surface.

Now that you are in the proper mindset, don’t set out alone. Elicit the help of your friends. Who knows you better than them? You’ll want similar qualities to who they are, and they’ll know you so well that they’ll be great help. Send out a BOLO or Be On the Lookout. In other words have your friends and even family, if you are comfortable, on the alert for singles that match your criteria. It’s much easier when you have a whole legion of matchmakers at your side. You don’t have to sound desperate. Just tell them you haven’t met anyone you like lately and so you’re changing tactics. They know what you like so it should be easy. And offer to do the same for your single friends too. It makes it more like a singles exchange.

Take a look around. Sometimes people are emotionally involved with someone already, but they’ve written that person off for one reason or another. Do you have a friend or a coworker that you love to chat with? Do you guys share intimate details of you lives? Do you even have a pact that you’ll end up together if you or they never find anyone else? If you can picture yourself kissing this person than you are already into them. Shake off the denial. Have a talk with others that have seen you interact. And then why not hang out, flirt a little and slowly see if there’s any interest in taking things a bit further. You can always have some wine, and tell them it was the wine talking. A good friend would excuse and forget a little faux paus. But if it does work out you’ll have the right person for you, and they were in your midst all along. How funny and cute.

Attend social occasions, even if you don’t feel like it. Pump yourself up, slap a smile on and go out and mingle. You never know who you are going to meet. Too many singles have a negative attitude about social functions and don’t go, missing an opportunity to meet someone new. Or you might meet someone who knows someone perfect for you. So no social occasion is ever a waste. Look out for singles events in your area. Take up a new hobby that’s social; a sports team, book club, writers or artists club, whatever you fancy. And try internet dating. You’ll land the one soon and have a whole lot of fun in the process. For more advice read, Calling in “The One”: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life by Katherine Woodward Thomas.

Opposites Attract, but Should They Marry?

opposites-attract

Opposites Attract, but Should They Marry?

Traditional advice is that one should marry someone whom they have many things in common with. Common interests, norms, morals, hobbies and a similar view of the world are thought to help keep harmony and balance throughout the course of a marriage. One blogger however is advising her readers do the exact opposite. Kara Storey in her newest blog post The Perks of Marrying Your Opposite explains that since she and her spouse are nothing alike, their marriage is an adventure and a process of discovery. She is always learning something new as time unfolds. Storey says her marriage prods her into trying things she would have never considered before, and how this fosters personal growth, and keeps things engaging. So the old idea that opposites attract but shouldn’t marry seems a little far-fetched, at least in her case. In fact, many psychologists suggest that this type of marriage can be healthy and beneficial for both partners. The most important thing to find out is whether or not your personalities are compatible or incompatible. If you complement one another, you will enjoy your marriage. This can be one of the most satisfying of relationships, offering two aspects that each person craves; safety and novelty, or nuance.  A balance should be struck within the marriage between comfort and learning something new, thereby keeping the spark alive.

The most important parts are sincerity and communication. It used to be, since courtship in the Revolutionary period, that couples were instructed to be completely honest with one another. Noted historian Ellen Rothman says, “For both men and women, the best defense against deception was openness. After the turn of the [nineteenth] century, openness became almost an obsession for courting couples. In the nineteenth century, it was no longer enough to be sincere in one’s affections; lovers were urged to be frank and open about everything.” Certainly lots of things have changed since then. But we could all use a bit more candor in the dating scene. Men for instance today are socialized to believe that sex with anyone that will preserve or elevate their social status is the end goal. This can lead to all kinds of dishonest methods, poor relationship choices and other negative consequences. Meanwhile, many women are socialized to “put on their best face” and not let the man know exactly who she is, specifically what her shortfalls might be, until after marriage, cohabitation or whatever commitment style she is longing for. The irony in all of this is deception undermines love, but they are using deception to try and get it. Love is intimacy which cannot be had without mutual respect, openness and honesty. Yet these false stances threaten to undermine the very intimacy lovers seek to establish.

Being honest is one part but not judging others too harshly is another important element. People could go out and just be themselves, not try to put on their best face. They would also be upfront on what kind of relationship they were looking for, or open to, without fear of ridicule or rejection. The trouble is compatibility is complex. It’s difficult to know when it will inhabit a relationship. There is no test to see if two people will be good together for the long haul. Just when you think you understand it, a happy older couple will throw you for a loop and you are back to square one. Moreover, how two people interact changes over time. The two may be compatible now, but will they be in five, ten or twenty years? When you date someone, and marriage or a serious commitment is your goal, what do you look at? The best you can really do is keep your evaluation process streamlined and accurate. What do you look at when you are searching for someone to date seriously, and perhaps marry? Do you look at how the two of you interact, if you laugh and enjoy each other’s company? If it is only how you feel about them or when you are with them, realize that the fluttering of the heart like a hummingbird sooner or later fades. What‘s left is two people who hopefully like each other and can get along. Too many think that the honeymoon phase will last forever. It really can but not in the same way. That initial giddiness will be gone, but so will the monumental fear, a part which everyone forgets. But you can have a deep, abiding love and fondness for one another for the rest of your lives. If you are happy together, supportive of one another, and can work out problems as a team, you just might be the right fit. Whether you are the same or complimentary is really irrelevant. What truly matters is how you interact. If you are still wondering if the one you are dating is right for you pick up a copy of, Before You Save the Date: 21 Questions to Help You Marry with Confidence by Dr. Paul Friesen.

Why do we Pick So-So Partners over Perfect Ones?

RELATIONSHIP-FIGHT

Why do we Pick So-So Partners over Perfect Ones?

We’ve all been there. We meet someone perfect for us and we blow it. Why didn’t I ever ask her out, we think? Or why didn’t I flirt with him more? We all have someone, the person who might have been, who slipped through our fingers or who we had a chance with and never pursued. But then when we look at our relationships, some of us find that we ended up settling time and again. When you come to the realization that your love life is just one okay match after another, never the mind-blowing RomCom ending most of us want, we start to ask questions. So why is that? Why do we pick so-so partners over perfect ones? Michigan State University researchers think they have the answer. They say it has to do with an evolutionary bias located deep within our genes. It has to do with what scientists call risk aversion. Both humans and animals have it. This is how we avoid danger but also how we evaluate situations which have the most chance of success and which are the most risky, ergo lowering our chance at survival.

In this study researchers created a computer simulation that mimicked the bands of our early Stone Age ancestors roaming in groups of no more than 150 people. They investigated how the behaviors of this community worked and adapted over thousands of generations. Researchers found that the populations who were more risk adverse had better chances at survival. This included what mates they selected. If they decided to hold out for a supposed higher quality mate, they miss an opportunity to be with someone that was available. That person may slip away without them even having a chance to hook up with them or the lover of their dreams. This phenomenon hangs on in the modern dating scene. But in evolutionary terms, missing a chance to mate may be missing a chance to have offspring and thus of passing on your genes. Researchers say resources were scarce back then, including available mates. Today our social networks are much larger. Our dating prospects are far better. Yet we slip into this Stone Age pattern of settling for less. Take into account internet dating and the choices are seemingly endless. But how can we overcome this settle-for-less genetic predisposition which has been so ingrained in us throughout history?

Dr. Helen Fischer is a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University. She says that online dating is just another platform for the same courtship ritual that’s played out over millennia. A young man who is interested in the young woman across the campfire in the ancient days may not have known her. But in conversations with cousins, aunts, sisters and others he knows in the village, he can find out her name, if she is happy most of the time, if she is a dreamer, if she would make a loyal wife and more. Lead author of the Michigan University group Arend Hintze says for our ancient ancestors the choice was stark, either mate now with an inferior mate or wait for Mr. or Ms. Perfect who may never come. For most to risk their future according to Dr. Hintze there needed to be a high payoff. Of course some are more risk averse than others.  Evolution makes a diversity of individuals, some thrill seekers who dare to try for someone “out of their league.” So how can you use this to your own advantage? Whenever you feel yourself setting down, or come to the realization that you have with someone who doesn’t make your heart do somersaults, reconsider the situation. You’ll be doing the same ancient dance, weighing the risks and benefits. But this time you’ll know who you are, and have the benefit of modern technology to find the right person for you. For a little help in that last department pick up a copy of, Love at First Click: The Ultimate Guide to Online Dating by Laurie Davis.