Find out What Kind of Guy he really is

lunch

Find out What Kind of Guy he really is

Manipulation is always thought of as a negative thing. The truth of the matter is that we manipulate each other all of the time. We sweet talk the boss into giving us more time on a task. We try and convince the cop not to give us a ticket even though we know we were speeding. We try to get our roommate to do our chores when we are short on time and high on assignments. The point is that finding out how people tick and using it to your advantage is fine, depending upon your intention and if it hurts the person in the end.

Of course you shouldn’t be callous and mean. No one should manipulate someone into a bad position just so they can rise in consequence. But there are normal interactions between people that can be looked at as manipulation that are really okay, like when a girl decides that she’d like to be settling down. You don’t want to waste time dating guys where the relationship isn’t going anywhere. Nor do you want to get emotionally invested in someone who will end up letting you down. Instead, here are some things you can do to find out what kind of guy he really is.

Not on the first date, but early in the relationship if you want to see if he’s a male chauvinist or insecure, wear heels. When you are tall and sexy and sticking out, he’ll have to deal with you. Watch how he takes it. If he’s laid back, cool, confident and aloof, he wins points. When he thinks he’s going to get lucky, play sick and see how he reacts. Does he get angry? Does he leave? Or does he try to take care of you or offer to keep you company? One trick some women try is to elicit the help of her sexiest girlfriend. She sends her out there to try to pick up her boyfriend. If he goes for it then he isn’t the one for you. The disadvantage to this strategy is that many a girl gets dumped by both her boyfriend and her friend, who end up together. So watch how that one might play out.

Fake a catastrophe in your life and see how he reacts. Does he back away or offer to help? If he’s really into you he will do anything to help you. But if he isn’t so emotionally invested he will make an excuse and get out of there. This separates the players from boyfriend material. You will also find whether or not he’s got leadership qualities. If he starts managing the crisis instead of kowtowing to your wishes then you now know his relationship style and how he operates in a crisis. Handling one of life’s disasters smashingly is one of those top relationship qualities for the long haul. Just be careful. Or else you’ll get stuck in one of those sitcom situations where awkwardness for you and comedy for everyone else ensues. For more advice read, How to Tell if Your Boyfriend Is the Antichrist: (and if he is, should you break up with him?) by Patricia Carlin.

The Kinds of Friends to help you Through a Divorce

woman-consoling-friend

The Kinds of Friends to help you Through a Divorce

When a marriage ends some people want to hole up and never see the light of day again. It’s true that everyone has their own grieving process. But this is a time when you could use the support of family and especially friends. Close friends will validate your feelings, comfort you, make you laugh and give you some insight. They can really help you endure those hard, dark days and aid you in reaching the bright, shining day at the end of this terrible storm that’s settled over your life. Don’t be too shy or too proud to reach out to those close to you. That’s what they’re there for. You’d be surprised how much people want to help if just given the chance. And if the roles were reversed, wouldn’t you be happy to do the same for them? There are different kinds of friends that can help you through a divorce. See if you have any of these in your social circle and be sure to reach out to them in your time of need. A divorce can drive you nuts. What you may need is a friend who’s logical that can show you how things work and tie the loose ends together for you. If you have sudden revenge fantasies, the logical friend will bring up karma. And if you suddenly want to get a face tattoo to celebrate your new singlehood, your logical friend is sure to talk you off of that ledge. This is a good friend to have when the tempests of emotion rock your inner core. Be sure to have one logical friend you can reach out to.

Next, you want the confidant and conspirator. This is the person who will back you up, and throw in a few things when you really need to badmouth your ex. They’ll take you out for a few drinks, maybe even introduce you to some cute singles they happen to know. This is the person you can get loud with, have adventures with, and find reasons to love your life again with. Divorce can feel like part of you was ripped out. It’s important to explore your past and other sides of yourself. That’s why the old friend is a good one to reach out to. You can sit and relax, reminisce with them and get insight into who you were, who you are and who you want to be. The old friend has probably known you a long time and can talk about your other relationships and what patterns emerge, helping you to see what perhaps you brought to the relationship that you should work on to make your next one spectacular. If you met a new friend, why not spend time with them? They can help you develop your new personality, post-divorce. If you have a friend of the opposite sex, don’t steer clear of them. Hang out with them. When you’re ready a little harmless flirting as practice can lift your self-esteem. They can also provide insight from the other gender’s point of view. The fuzzy friend is a great one to have. Dogs and cats know instinctively when we hurt. The gestures that they do and the unconditional love they practice can help heal your heart. Finally there’s the tried and true friend, the one who may be all of these friends combined, the one that’s always at your side. You know they’ll be there when you call. Definitely reach out to that friend. They’ll have you feeling better in no time. For more advice on getting over a divorce, read Chicken Soup for the Soul: Divorce and Recovery: 101 Stories about Surviving and Thriving after Divorce by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, and Patty Hansen.

Men Cheat More Due to Impulse not Lack of Restraint

cheat-husband

Men Cheat More Due to Impulse not Lack of Restraint

Research that appeared recently in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that the reason men cheat isn’t due to a lack of personal restraint but the mere fact that men have stronger sexual impulses than women. This study was composed of two experiments in one. The first was designed to show how both men and women reacted to enticements of a sexual nature in their past. The second was designed to examine self-control and sexual impulses in a very rapid-fire way. Co-author and psychology doctoral student at Texas A&M University Natasha Tidwell said of their findings, “Overall, these studies suggest that men are more likely to give in to sexual temptations because they tend to have stronger sexual impulse strength than women do.” This of course doesn’t give men free reign to cheat, or a get-out-of-jail-free card. Tidwell follows up her statement with, “But when people exercise self-control in a given situation, this sex difference in behavior is greatly reduced. It makes sense that self-control, which has relatively recent evolutionary origins compared to sexual impulses, would work similarly — and as effectively — for both men and women.”

148 women and 70 men were recruited for this study. Subjects were to describe a time when they were attracted to a person of the opposite sex who was unavailable or who they weren’t compatible with. A questionnaire was then administered to determine the strength of sexual impulse and what behaviors would result from them. According to Tidwell, “When men reflected on their past sexual behavior, they reported experiencing relatively stronger impulses and acting on those impulses more than women did.” Self-control however was the same for both sexes. Said Tidwell, “When men and women said they actually did exert self-control in sexual situations, impulse strength didn’t predict how much either sex would actually engage in ‘off-limits’ sex.” University of Texas assistant professor Paul Eastwick, Ph.D. of the Department of Human Development and Family Sciences supported her statement saying, “Men have plenty of self-control — just as much as women.” Eastwick was Tidwell’s co-author in this study. In the second study 326 male and 274 female undergrads were shown an array of photos at a party they were told to attend. Some of the participants were labeled “Good for you” and others “Bad for you.” At one party participants were asked to pursue the “Good for you” people, in others to pursue the “Bad for you” ones. Men were more likely to accept desirable partners. Yet the same study showed that men can also practice self-control just as much as women can. For more on this topic, read Never Satisfied: How & Why Men Cheat by Michael Baisden.

Going too far with an Office Spouse

toofar

We all know the term, an office wife or husband. This is someone you spend a lot of time with at work. You have chemistry. You eat lunch together, laugh, trade secrets and gossip about your boss and coworkers. It can be fun. But when does an office spouse relationship go too far? That depends on each person and each couple. But in general it crosses the line when it turns into emotional or even physical cheating on your actual romantic partner. Emotional cheating is when you share things that are of a personal nature and connect on a deeper emotional level with someone outside your romantic relationship. Of course, it’s important to have friends at work. Work is a stressful place, and you need people who have your back there. Certainly it makes work much for pleasant and fun when you have friends there. But when you are experiencing a deeper emotional bond with your office spouse than your actual spouse then there is a problem. It’s actually a common problem today, especially with people spending more and more hours at work. Also, being thrust into the same situations at work builds the kind of camaraderie that comes from shared experience. That builds a powerful bond that can make your emotions go a little haywire.

The problem occurs when the infatuation with the office spouse becomes greater than the person’s self-control. Oftentimes people think they are strong enough to resist this infatuation, when they cannot resist temptation and are under its spell more completely than they first surmise. An emotional affair all starts out with the need to be validated, understood, and the need to be cared for and to care about someone else. Next, the conversation turns personal, each party revealing something about themselves. Another need that can be reached through an office spouse is the need to be admired. It feels great when they praise you for a job well done, a raise, a promotion or some other goal attained. You start looking forward to seeing them every day. And the next thing you know, you are caught up in an emotional affair. It may even become physical. Knowing that you are susceptible to this phenomenon isn’t enough. Of course, having an affair at work can ruin both your career and your relationship. It can ruin your entire life. If you find this happening talk to your office spouse about it, establish some ground rules, and know when to back off or transfer to another project. Also, talk to your spouse or romantic partner. Tell them what needs you have that aren’t being met and work on making the relationship you have more fulfilling. For more insight on how to move forward from an affair, read the advice of Douglas K. Snyder PhD, Donald H. Baucom PhD, and Kristina Coop Gordon PhD in their book, Getting past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On–Together or Apart.

End it for Good

to-break-up

Are you in one of those rocky relationships that seems to split and get back together? Do you want to end it for good? If the relationship is unhealthy, unhappy, or not something you want, you have to take the initiative and end it. Of course, it’s important to think over your decision. If you’re in a type of abusive relationship, whether emotionally or physically, it’s important you get out. But if you’ve lost interest in the person, found someone else, if you aren’t really interested in them but can’t bring yourself to tell them, or if you fell out of love or don’t feel attracted to them anymore, you should end it. Stringing the person along is cruel. And if you find someone you are interested in, you may end up breaking your partner’s heart. Take out a sheet of paper and make a list of all the reasons you want to break up versus the reasons you should stay together. The bottom line is that you shouldn’t spend your time in an unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship. If you feel it can’t be repaired, that it’s gone on too far, or what you two had has died out, steel yourself and prepare to end it for good. You’ll need to make a plan and stick with it. Sit down with him or her. Tell them how you feel. Don’t let them interrupt you. Hear them out, then tell them your decision is final. If you two live together or own things together, make plans on how to equitably move forward on those issues. Have an idea on how to do that and present it to them when your partner is calm.

Don’t let them suck you back in. They may try to argue, butter you up, or even seduce you. Don’t let them do it or you will be stuck right back where you were. Have a clean break. Once you have made the split, cut off all modes of communication, at least for a while. Even if you decided to remain friends, staying away ensures you will stay broken up. If you decide to see this person, or seek them out, you are sending the wrong signals, and may fall back into old patterns. Give it at least a month before contact between you two is allowed. If you get lonely, upset, feel distraught or depressed, call someone else. Don’t call your old partner. Call your friends, family, a mentor, or someone you trust. Treat yourself right. Why not give yourself a little reward for no contact for say a week, two weeks, three weeks, and so on? A special dinner, a movie, a night out on the town, or a daytrip to a spa could all be good rewards. Don’t look through old pictures or explore old memories. If your ex badmouths you, ignore it. Don’t fly off the handle. Laugh at it. Your friends, family, and colleagues will know and believe you. You can clear it up with them, but don’t get sucked in or else you may end up in a screaming match with your ex. By ending a bad relationship for good, you will be clearing out a space in your life for the person you are meant to be with. Take heart and be brave. The worst will soon be over.