Men Have a Hard Time Understanding Women’s Emotions

Men Have a Hard Time Understanding Women’s Emotions

When a relationship is not going well, it is many times the woman who is dissatisfied. Ask any divorce lawyer or just look at the statistics and you will see the majority of divorces are filed by women. In these cases, they usually complain that their man does not care about them, or does not care about their emotional needs. But the problem is oftentimes not that he does not care, but that he does not understand what it is she wants. Men and women communicate differently. Men are very direct. Women come at issues from different angles. Men are problem-solvers. For women, the needs vary. Sometimes they need emotional validation or support, and at other times just some understanding. A gal does not necessarily want her guy to solve her problem, but just to listen. Women can usually read each other’s emotions quite easily, and they come to one another’s aide in sympathy and kind words without even being asked. But a man who can pick up on her general mood, may not notice all the nuances within it. Understand that communication is a skill in which we all learn. We are not limited by our gender. In fact, each partner should try earnestly to consider how the other person communicates, and tune in to their frequency.

This may mean that a man learns to not only hear but really listen to his girlfriend or wife. He should not be so quick to offer logical suggestions and advice. Instead, he should listen carefully, tell her in his own words how he understands the situation, and validates her feelings. Consider the difficulty of the problem and her capability of handling it, before offering advice. If you believe she is able to handle this one, keep the advice to yourself, or only extend it if she asks. For women if she has certain emotional needs her man is not getting, she needs to tell him directly, and learn to be more direct about her thoughts and feelings. Sometimes women have an attitude such like, “He should just know” Or “If he really loved me he would know.” But the majority of men communicate directly. So he has no hope in knowing. It also cuts out a woman’s responsibility to communicate her feelings to her man, in a way he can understand. But it too shows her anxiety surrounding these feelings. No matter how much alike you look at the onset, there are wide gulfs between any two individuals. If they are to stay together these chasms need crossing. Any worthwhile relationship is built on good communication. It is not a miracle simply arrived upon but the result of long, patient conversations and hard work.

For some women crying is a way of venting. It makes certain men uncomfortable however. And women may feel ashamed afterward. But really they just want support from their partner, not for him to pull away. Men are taught never to cry in our society. Ladies, if you cry just let him know that this is emotional venting. Guys, hold her and be there for her and you will make the relationship stronger. Lastly, fellas if a woman wants to talk about an emotional problem you two are having, do not get defensive and start yelling at her. You should not just apologize and clam up either. Both may put stress on the relationship, rather than relieve it, and the first choice definitely will. Instead, listen to her and re-explain in your own words. When she feels you get it, show her that you care, validate her, and work together to find a solution. Lastly, men sometimes have a hard time communicating their emotions. Ladies, be patient. Guys, find a way to tell her how you feel, so she understands you better. Communication is not easy. But get it right and your relationship will be so much closer, and you will end up cherishing every moment together.

For more on what to do when the real work in a relationship begins pick up a copy of, Post-Romantic Stress Disorder: What to Do When the Honeymoon Is Overby John Bradshaw and Joe Barrett.

22% of Unhappily Married women in a Sexless Marriage

SEX-PROBLEMS

22% of Unhappily Married women in a Sexless Marriage

There are lots of reasons why people cheat. A lack of connection, resentment, anger or just being completely bored. But according to a new survey conducted by Ashley Madison, the online dating website for cheaters, 22% of unhappily married women in the U.S. cheat because they are in a sexless marriage. The survey polled 746,000 members throughout 26 different nations to see how often they got between the sheets with their spouses. American women were the topmost to suffer a sexless marriage according to this survey. For women in sexless marriages in the U.K. the number was 18%, for Hong Kong 16%, Spain was 12%, France 9%, Italy 8%, and Brazil was at 8%. A representative from the website made a statement regarding this survey, “Married people in the U.S. face the same dilemmas as their international counterparts when it comes to keeping their marital bed active. But our unprecedented global study showed nearly 1 in 5 unhappily married women in the U.S. are in a sexless marriage, and I’m fairly sure that was not what they committed to on their wedding day.”   33,500 of the 746,000 polled were from the U.S.

Generally a sexless marriage has underlying problems attached. Stress, arguing, resentment, guilt, misplaced anger and other issues can get in the way of a healthy sex life. If the two are committed to staying in this marriage perhaps commit to tackling these new issues in a new way. Seeing a couple’s counselor, reading self-help books, learning to communicate and work through these issues will make the marriage stronger and remove the emotional road blocks from a healthy sex life. Next, see what other problems could be associated. Is one or both parties experiencing a physical issues that isn’t being addressed? Oftentimes because of age sexual issues can occur. If love and trust inhabit a relationship a sit down meeting is required to get both parties to open up. Make sure that the conversation isn’t a blaming one. Instead the focus should be on how each party is feeling and how they cooperate to address the issue. Support, kindness, caring, patience and compassion are all required. Once the emotional or physical issues are out there, healing and mitigating can begin. But when the channels for communication have broken down there is no chance at reconciliation. Spending time together doing fun things and enjoying one another’s company is one way to reconnect. Working out and making one’s self look good for a partner is another. Flirting, bringing courting and dating back into the relationship can surely help. Making things fun again and addressing any issues will ensure a couple soon won’t be in a sexless marriage anymore. To read more on this topic pick up a copy of, Escaping the Sexless Marriage: A Practical Manual to Bring Back Intimacy by Nora Femenia.

Ray Rice Video Inadvertently Spreads Domestic Violence Awareness

APTOPIX  Ravens Rice

Ray Rice Video Inadvertently Spreads Domestic Violence Awareness

Soon after the leak of the Ray Rice video, where the former NFL player knocked out and dragged the body of his then fiancée, now wife, out of an Atlantic City hotel elevator, The National Domestic Violence Hotline reported a phone call increase of 84%. The video inadvertently ended a promising career for a disturbed young man. But it also spread awareness and started a national dialogue about domestic violence. Hotline CEO Katie Ray-Jones recently told the Huffington Post that her normal volume is 500-600 calls per day, from victims and concerned friends and family members. On the Monday the video got out, 1,000 calls came in. Even more came in the Tuesday afterward. Ray-Jones said, “We had an outpouring of women saying, ‘Oh my god, I didn’t realize this happened to other people.’ They thought they were living a life that was very unique to them.” She went on, “One woman called in who is married to a [mixed martial arts] fighter. She said, ‘I just saw that video, and I know my husband could do worse, and I need help.” Calls came in throughout the night and the staff at the hotline soon became overwhelmed. 15 to 18 staff members normally are on the day shift, and 7 to 8 work at night.

A “relief staff pool,” does exist for the hotline, but they don’t have enough resources currently to call them in. Ray-Jones said, “Last year, we didn’t answer over 77,000 calls due to lack of resources.” What’s more, “Our advocates were really busy before, so they’re definitely feeling the impact of the video now. This is a situation where women are holding longer on the lines and waiting for an advocate to be free. But we don’t have the financial resources to bring in more staff, so we’re at a place where we’re just encouraging advocates to do the best they can.” A large portion of their funding comes from the federal government. But sequestration, or automatic spending cuts that took effect last year, affected the nonprofit’s budget. Next year, the hotline will get a boost from Washington, but that won’t come into effect until October 1. More women are aware of what domestic violence looks like today because of this incident, and that’s a good thing. Ray-Jones says that the phenomenon is also encouraging more women to seek help. The CEO hopes that an increase in funding for programs and a larger focus on issues from Congress will also arise out of this incident. She also hopes that more legislation, such as one bill soon up for a vote which would take guns away from abusers, will get more attention now that the public is attuned to the problem.

Ray-Jones said, “We need to take the survivors’ voices to the Hill.” She went on, “This is real. This issue has a face. And people saw a face with Ray Rice and the imagery of what people are experiencing.” As of Monday, the former running back for the Baltimore Ravens is suspended indefinitely. Originally, Rice only received a two game suspension. Many were horrified at this lax punishment. Another NFL player was suspended for four games for using marijuana, and Americans wondered if the NFL thought that pot usage was worse than domestic violence. There have been players that were forced to sit out entire seasons for smoking marijuana, something that is rumored to be widespread among the NFL anyway, particularly among those who suffer from chronic pain. Josh Gordon was one such player who was suspended for an entire season for smoking pot. Rice’s first punishment was supposed to be a three game suspension but it was suddenly and quizzically whittled down to two, before public outrage caused the national sports organization to suspend Rice indefinitely. The running back was also fined $25,000. Yet, another player was fined $30,000 for using his phone to announce a touchdown.  Some say the NFL has been lenient in the past with domestic violence cases regarding their players. With the heat the NFL got over the original punishment of Rice, perhaps now they have finally woken up and realize that they have been sending the wrong message about violence against women. The Head of human resources at the NFL, Robert Gulliver told a reporter a short while ago, “We just simply don’t tolerate instances of domestic violence.” This case has inadvertently made women refuse to tolerate it anymore either. For a serious and interesting look as this horrifying phenomenon, read Domestic Violence in America by V. Michael McKenzie.

Infidelity Interpreted Differently Between the Sexes

CHEATING-SIGNS

Infidelity Interpreted Differently Between the Sexes

Men are more distraught by the physical aspect of cheating, women the emotional aspect so says a new study. Kansas State University researchers had 477 participants, 238 male and 239 female, fill out questionnaires about relationships. One crucial question asked, “Which would distress you more: Imagining your partner enjoying passionate sexual intercourse with another person or imagining your partner forming a deep emotional attachment with another person?” Once they reviewed all the data researchers concluded that, “Males reported that sexual infidelity scenarios were relatively more distressing than emotional infidelity scenarios, and the opposite was true of females.” Researchers started out trying to figure out what characteristics such as relationship habits, attachment style and trust had on feelings of infidelity. It turned out that only one factor was different and that was the gender of the person you were asking. Women were impacted more by cheating that was emotional in nature while men more physical in nature. Dr. Gary Brase evolutionary psychologist told HuffPost Live that researchers have known for a long time that men and women viewed cheating differently. But there was a split as to why. Some experts believed it was evolutionary while others thought it was through learning and socialization.

In this experiment Dr. Brase and his colleagues wanted to put it to the test and find out once and for all which was the right reason for the gender split on cheating. So they found a big pool using online surveys. This study proved that gender was the single most important determining factor when responding to an instance of cheating. Gender identity played no role, only their actual, biological sex. Accoring to Dr. Brase this proves that the split is connected with the different gender’s roles in terms of reproduction. In terms of evolutionary history women are invested most in their offspring, the children. Men however don’t have to go through pregnancy and giving birth. Ergo in an evolutionary, biological sense men are more invested in passing on their genes, ergo more put off by the physical aspect of infidelity. Women however are more invested in the raising of the children and need the man’s help in the evolutionary sense of providing for them in every sense. So they are more appalled by the emotional aspect. Dr. Brase did say that both types of infidelity are bad, likening it to a “Sophie’s Choice.” But when you have to say which is worse, this is where men and women diverge. You can find this study in the journal Evolutionary Psychology. For advice on how to prevent an affair, read Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship by M. Gary Neuman.

How to Speed up your Recovery

recovery

How to Speed up your Recovery

Are you getting over someone, starting over and finding it difficult to handle the transition? A major breakup or a divorce can leave you with so many unanswered questions. You deal with resentment, insecurity, misplaced anger, maybe even guilt. Not knowing how to sort through these feelings makes the healing process a struggle. It’s like walking through untrodden territory. You don’t know what to do or how to handle it. Every breakup and every person experiencing it is different. But there are some generalities. If you learn how to speed up your recovery, you can handle your breakup better, feel better faster and be on your way to a much better place in your life. First, understand that you need a leap of faith. That’s faith in yourself and your ability to bounce back. But really whether you can do a complete turnaround or if you fall on your face and fail to get up, all depends upon you. Why not decide to stand up, fix yourself up, put your game face on and move forward with your head held high? Even if you don’t feel that way, fake it until you make it. Acting put together will make you feel that way too, at least when you are out in public. If you need to talk you can do so with friends or other confidants.

Don’t wallow in your regrets. Constantly obsessing over what should have been done, what one should have said at a certain time and so on is an illusion. Generally it isn’t one event that breaks a couple up but a series of things that well up until the relationship is no longer viable. Examine your regrets for what knowledge you can gain for future relationships, learning how to deal with a particular situation. But also learn when it’s time to let things go. Playing a scene over and over in your mind is only going to torture you. Learn your lessons and move on. If there are thoughts you try to ignore but can’t get out of your head, assign yourself a worry time. This is a scheduled time once a day or even once a week where you spend your time worrying and getting it all out of the way. Once you’ve had that catharsis, it’s time to make positive plans, get busy and go about your day. Meditation can also work wonders should you be so inclined. Think about where you are headed. Form some goals that you want to reach and think about how to get there. Volunteer and get a new perspective on life. Get yourself in the right mindset to be a healthy, happy, positive person who is enthusiastic about the future. Acquire some healthy hobbies you can do when you are stressed or just feel bad. Lots of people go for comfort food, alcohol, smoking or some other unhealthy habit. Instead try a run, pushups, getting a massage once per week, treating yourself to an afternoon at the batting cages or run off and go fishing, whatever it is that’s positive that can also clear your mind and relax you. Get motivated about changing your life, embracing the new, sexy, single you and enjoying yourself. You are a free, independent person. Your fate is up to you. Make your life a great one. For more on this topic, read Peg Streep’s Mastering the Art of Quitting: Why It Matters in Life, Love, and Work.