Important but Painful Realizations about Divorce

MAN-DIVORCE

Important but Painful Realizations about Divorce

Are you going through an unexpected divorce? This can be a devastating experience. Whether it’s being constantly reminded of your spouse or having trouble adjusting to single life, lots of people have made these important but painful realizations about divorce and come out the other end stronger. Though this advice may sound hollow or cliché, it may be exactly what you need to hear to help you get back on the road to independence, recovery and contentment.

Just remember that following a divorce should be a period of grieving. But things can only improve over time. In the beginning it can be an emotional roller coaster. But once things level out you do feel a little bit better every day. If you have children with your ex, you are going to have to get used to the situation. Don’t let seeing them again open old wounds. Find a healthy way to interact. Put on your best face and move forward. Find healthy ways to help yourself heal and feel better; exercise, meditation, or talking to a good friend are all good ways. Alcohol, junk food and locking yourself up for months at a time, not so much.

You’re going to be okay. This is a mantra for a lot of divorced people. But if you repeat it to yourself enough times, have enough talks with friends, cry, and reconnect with yourself, though the pain is immense in the beginning, you start to know that your happiness doesn’t begin or end with a divorce. It begins or ends with you, who you are, who you choose to be and the choices you make. Realize how better off you are without that person in your life. Is this the kind of relationship you want? Of course not. You need someone who is loving, supportive, appreciative and who will be there for you no matter what. And if you are reading this it’s obvious your ex wasn’t that person.

You can view it as the end of a marriage. Or you can view it as a new beginning. If someone tells you they are there for you to talk, believe them and use them. It will really help you. Gather your network around you. You need all the support you can get. When people tell you their sorry, understand that they are on your side. They don’t know what to say exactly. But they want to comfort you. If they say this, believe them. For more advice read, Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow by Elizabeth Lesser.

Can we save our Marriage?

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Can we save our Marriage?

This is the number one question couples in marriage counseling ask the therapist. People never know when a relationship is salvageable and when to go their separate ways. There are many people who focus more on getting out of a bad relationship, than on making the one they have worthwhile. Focusing so much on getting out can make you ignore the positive qualities the marriage has. When the focus for one person is a breakup, their preoccupation may inadvertently be the thing driving the couple toward divorce. On the other hand, one should be cognizant that every marriage has its ups and downs. Every relationship has the potential to end. There are of course certain steps you can take to bring a relationship down from the ledge. But a better strategy is to form a deep emotional connection to one another. This will motivate you to work your problems out and build a stronger, happier marriage.  Practicing generosity, kindness, compassion, respect and honesty, mutually, will make the marriage far more fulfilling. When each person is fulfilled, divorce becomes the furthest thing from their minds. Sometimes though, there are significant forces working on a couple, making happy reunification unlikely.

Certainly not all marriages can be saved, or should be. There are lots of unhealthy behaviors that can inhabit a marriage; addiction with no willingness to seek treatment, chronic lying, serial infidelity, neglect, abusive behavior, whether physical or psychological, and much more. These are violations to the commitment you both share within the bond of matrimony. Doing these things violates the sanctimonious vow you gave to one another on your wedding day. The most important thing is whether or not both parties have a willingness to admit what has gone wrong, and work toward solving the issues that they have. Mere acknowledgment of the problem is not enough. If there is no willingness on the part of both parties to change behavior, there may be no reason to move forward with the relationship at all. Destructive patterns played out over and over again, without any hope of relief, is a recipe for divorce. Recognizing these patterns and the role each party plays in them is the first step. But trying different strategies when the problems arise, and varying those strategies depending upon the situation are also key. It’s important to remember not to get discouraged if things don’t work out just the way you planned. It may need some tweaking. If you love your spouse and are committed to the marriage, and they feel the same way, then everything you need is there to make it happen, and make things work.

There is no easy answer for knowing when to stay together and when to move apart. Each situation is dependent upon the individuals, what has happened between them, what they value and how they look at things. Perception is invariably important. Circumstances for one couple that would be deal breakers to another merely have to be negotiated. There are a few simple guidelines you can follow to have the best possible outcome. One of the things to keep in mind is that working through the problems of a shaky marriage can be painful, sometimes even excruciating. For those who don’t have the ability to tolerate this sort of pain, the impulse to end the relationship, or manipulate their spouse into filing for divorce, can be strong. Marriages that are in trouble are often helped through counseling. There are lots of situations in marriage that are difficult to maneuver. It is good to know when you and your spouse are in over your heads.  Each person should develop the inner qualities on their own that will help make this marriage work. You can be your own psychologist and develop your own inner workings in order to be more honest, compassionate, engaged and loving. When you give something your best, there is always the risk that it might not work. Evaluate the emotional level you are both at. Have a long, calm discussion. Give it a shot. If it doesn’t work, at least you tried. But you two may just come out stronger, and more loving in the end due to this time when you struggled together. For more help finding marital bliss pick up a copy of, Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truths from Real Couples About Lasting Love by Linda Bloom, L.C.S.W. and Charlie Bloom, M.S.W.

You can come through Divorce a Stronger Person

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You can come through Divorce a Stronger Person

Going through a divorce can be one of the most heart wrenching and financially burdensome periods of one’s life. How could it ever make you happier? You’d be surprised. The brightest light is only witnessed after dwelling in the darkest places. Remember that divorce is only one part of your life, an interlude between your married life and your single life. It isn’t your complete life. Your existence isn’t defined by it. It’s merely something that happened to you. You can come through divorce a stronger person if you choose to. Of course you have to grieve for the marriage. That’s a natural part of healing psychologically. But too many people wallow in self-pity after a divorce. Or they are overwhelmed with the question, “What do I do?” It’s time to start looking at things bit by bit. Learn to become more self-sufficient. You don’t need your ex, even if they did provide or help to provide a certain amount of financial or other type of stability. You can do that yourself. Whether you have to figure out how to pay the rent or when to get the oil changed, it can be an adjustment. But in the long run you’ll learn how to do each and every thing you lack. You will become more independent. You’ll learn that you don’t have to rely on anyone for anything. You can do it all yourself. The most important lesson you’ll learn is that you can be with someone if you want to be. You won’t need to be. That very fact will attract much higher caliber people your way.

You will also develop a clearer identity. Before your identity was confined to that of the marriage. But now you are unencumbered. You merely represent yourself and come as yourself. If your ex used to embarrass you in public places you know what a joy this can be. But you aren’t overshadowed or compared to or even associated with another person. You can control completely what is reflected upon you. And you don’t have to worry about that person you were with messing it up. You look so much better without them pulling you down. And why not explore the other relationships you have? Work on your work relationships and improve them, you family relationships, those with your pets, your mentors and more. Spend some time working on you, and just you. What is something you’ve always wanted to try but never had the opportunity? Well, you don’t have a terrible spouse weighing you down anymore. You are free to make any decisions you see fit. If you have children you still have to keep them in mind. But you are the captain of your own destiny. And without a bad marriage in the midst, you can focus on strengthening the other relationships in your life. With having stronger relationships and being more capable you’ll gain confidence. And that’s really the sexiest quality of all. For more on getting stronger after a divorce read, Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd Edition by divorce expert Bruce Fisher.

Attraction by Voice

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Attraction by Voice

What kind of voice do you find attractive? Some men like a deep voice in a woman. But most prefer the high pitched, baby doll kind. Women usually prefer a deep male voice. But this isn’t just preference. There is biology at work here. According to a new study, men prefer a high voice and women a low one as the sound of someone’s voice gives the speaker’s body style away. Birds, other animals, and even humans can perceive the speaker’s intention and their body size from the quality and frequency of the speaker’s voice. Lower sounding voices allude to a bigger body and therefore dominance and the ability to protect the mother and her young. High pitched frequencies allude to a smaller body size, submissiveness and the need to be protected.

This study was completed at University College in London. Processor Yi Xu had male participants rate a female human voice for attractiveness. When he altered the quality, pitch and spacing to signal a smaller body type he found that this was the most attractive sounding to participants. Men also preferred a breathy, high pitched voice with lots of spacing between words. He did the same thing for female participants only this time it was a deep voice with less spacing that correlated with the most attractive. One surprise researchers found was that women also preferred a breathy quality to a man’s voice, indicating a softness under the aggression of a large body mass. Although we are far advanced compared to other creatures in the animal kingdom, it seems that we still have many biological qualities that are an integral part of the courtship process. You can find this study online in the journal PLOS ONE.  For advice on how to improve your voice, read Set Your Voice Free: How to Get the Singing or Speaking Voice You Want by Roger Love and Donna Frazier.

Why Some Women like Serial Killers

Portrait of beautiful couple

Everyone knows this story, a normal woman becomes intrigued by a serial killer and leaves her normal life to marry him. It’s true and there are countless stories. But the reasons are generally the same. They believe they can change him. Others see the hurt little child inside and want to care for and nurture that child. He can be completely faithful, in this sense the “perfect boyfriend” who is at all times only thinking about her and has no opportunity or need to be unfaithful. Though he can say he loves her, there are no messy relationship problems that will spring up and spoil what they have. The couple doesn’t have to discuss parenting or money issues. No one crosses the line or has to be held accountable for anything. Henry Lee Lucas had one eye, and a supposed sexual relationship with a drifter. Yet he had many female admirers, one who even planned to pose as his ex-girlfriend even though he had admitted to strangling her and chopping her up into little pieces. Some experts believe that a woman’s desire to be with a serial killer is equivalent to fanaticism. These women are either highly insecure or can’t go about having relationships in the normal way and so seek out a relationship that they truly can’t have.

Though, there are cases that break this scenario. Married, educated, attractive women have fallen for serial killers, some even judges and psychologists. Women who fall for these predators are usually in their thirties or forties. Their motives for getting involved with who they do often vary but both members usually protect the relationship fiercely from outsiders. There are those who say they know that the object of their affection is guilty of the heinous crimes they’ve allegedly committed. Others swear by their sweetie’s innocence. These types of relationships can seem to be devoid of all logic. Perhaps this is why some women like serial killers, that and a biological phenomenon found in primates. Females, as researchers have discovered, often prefer males who are larger, more aggressive, and even louder. These are clear-cut markers of male-ness. In humans perhaps these women see in such a powerful male something that no ordinary man can deliver. Through this male then the female is protected and even gains status. Those who want longer than their allotted fifteen minutes of fame may use it as a chance to get more exposure than they normally would as well. To learn more about the history of serial killers in America, read Natural Born Celebrities: Serial Killers in American Culture by David Schmid.