Are Men Raised by Single Moms Better Husbands?

Are Men Raised by Single Moms Better Husbands?

There is no clear cut answer when it comes to men. But there is some agreement among psychologists that there might be advantages to marrying a man raised by a single mother.

He may be more helpful, independent, and sensitive to the needs of women, for instance. The so-called mama’s boy gets a bad rap in our culture. But LeBron James, Barack Obama, and others were raised by single mothers, yet show independence, leadership, and a can-do attitude. These aren’t the coddled whiners we often see in the movies or on TV. But they may be different than those raised by two parents. These men may have some further insight into interpreting emotions, effective communication, know what it means to chip in, and express their emotions in a mature manner. These are all good qualities when it comes to husband material.

A University of Reading study conducted in 2009 found that those boys who had a close connection with their moms had less worrisome childhood incidents and were likely to become hostile or aggressive later in life. Another study published in 2011 in the journal Child Development, found that a good mother-son bond predicted better romantic relationships later on. Of course, just because a man was raised by a single mother does not mean he has a healthy relationship with her. But the tendency is that they would be closer due to depending on one another for all those years.

Men raised by single women tend to have an enlightened view on gender issues and so are less likely to be chauvinistic. By having to work together with their moms growing up they have developed the skills a romantic relationship requires such as give-and-take, negotiation, and compromise. Some say these men are cleaner and are more inclined to pitch in around the house. That isn’t always the case. But they are more likely used to helping out with household chores, cooking, doing their own laundry, and so on.  One of the most crucial elements of a successful, long-term relationship is good communication. Guys raised by single mothers are more apt toward superb communication skills. While boys, they will have to get to know and understand their mothers emotions, which hopefully will transfer to understanding their wife better later on. Guys who have had the luxury of both parents have more of a safety net. But those raised by a single mother have to chip in more, come to terms with things, and so are more prone to getting active when there is a problem afoot, rather than sitting back and complaining about it.

Men raised by single mothers generally come from a background that isn’t necessarily indulgent. Chances are they had to fix a few things around the house, and so aren’t afraid to get their hands dirty. They may also be more responsible. These men are used to pulling their own weight and picking up the slack. They may be better with children because a lot of them helped with their siblings. These guys make their lunch the night before work, set multiple alarms in the morning, and get a few tasks done before breakfast. They are generally reliable because they had to be to make it this far. One disadvantage to a momma’s boy is that the mother will be very invested in the marriage. The mother could feel threatened by her daughter-in-law, which could affect the son. Still, despite this one pitfall, there are a lot of positive qualities surrounding a man who was raised by a single mother.

For those still searching for such a man read, The Surrendered Single: A Practical Guide to Attracting and Marrying the Man Who’s Right for You by Laura Doyle

Should you stay in a Relationship that is Just Comfortable?

too comfortable

Should you stay in a Relationship that is Just Comfortable?

Many of us have been there. You love someone but you aren’t in love with them. The relationship is very comfortable. There may be places where you don’t see eye-to-eye. But by and large, you have fun together, run a good household or just enjoy each other’s company. The person is perhaps a good choice for a mate. They are stable and kind. But that euphoric, weak-in-the-knees feeling has left the building. So should you stay in a relationship that is just comfortable but doesn’t give you fireworks or butterflies? There are really two schools of thought on this. The first is a very practical view. That is, stay with your partner. The reason, there are relationships and even marriages who do have that spark. Also, the candle that burns twice as bright often lasts half as long. Then a terrible breakup occurs and you are left all alone. The other scenario is one waits around forever. Instead of having the loving experiences available, one waits alone for a proposition which may never come. Why not, as the song says, love the one you’re with?

Sometimes these relationships that are comfortable used to have novelty. Kids, careers and a pileup of years have made them too comfortable. Here experts say the spark can be rekindled. One way to do so is to share novel experiences together. Travel to exotic lands, take part in exciting activities like sky diving and bungee jumping, learn a new skill together such as cooking or swing dancing or interact through a new sport such as karate or kayaking. These can reignite the spark. Another way is through reminiscing. Some relationship experts say merely having a date night can do it. This will inject some romance—you know interacting as a couple again instead of the person who takes care of a list of household duties. Then there are those who use their sexual interests to jumpstart their relationship. They may start to talk about and fulfill each person’s deep seeded fantasies, the ones they never spoke to another soul about. Some couples explore tantric sex or BDSM together to reignite that spark.

But then there is another school of thought, held by the fiercely independent who are not afraid of making it on their own. This type is perfectly happy by themselves. They won’t accept anything less than earth shattering love. If they work at it and can’t get it from their relationship then they end it, sooner or later. If the person they are dating doesn’t provide this feeling than they’d rather not be dating them. This type is generally focused on an important passion, mission, artistic pursuit, their children or career. They say if you really aren’t in love then you are just going through the motions, or else settling for a paltry mediocrity. Which interpretation is the right one? That all depends on the kind of person you are. If you are fiercely independent why not go for the love that will fill the space in your heart? See if you can reignite it with your current lover before you do something drastic. But if they cannot fulfill you why stay with them? Those who are a bit more practical and believe their relationship suits their needs should instead try and find ways to rekindle the flames. For more on this read the book, Keeping the Love You Find by Harville Hendrix.

A Loving Relationship can Stabilize Neurosis

HAPPY-COUPLE

Do you know someone who is always nervous? Why not play matchmaker and get them hooked up with the right person? You may not want it to backfire in your face however. But the advantages could outweigh the negatives. According to a new study found in the online Journal of Personality a loving, stable, supportive relationship can stabilize neurosis. The study was conducted by the University of Jena in Germany. Dr. Christine Finn, a psychologist who worked on this study said, “Neurotic people are rather anxious, insecure, and easily annoyed. They have a tendency towards depression, often show low self-esteem and tend to be generally dissatisfied with their lives.” Tell us something we don’t know doc. “However,” she went on “we were able to show that they become more stable in a love relationship, and that their personality stabilizes.” 245 participants, all couples between the ages of 18 and 30, took part in this study. Every three months for a total of nine each person filled out a questionnaire about the level of neurosis and relationship satisfaction. Fictional everyday situations were also part of the questionnaire asking participants what they would do. According to Finn, “This part was crucial, because neurotic people process influences from the outside world differently.”

Over time neurosis decreased as the romantic relationship moved forward. Finn said that one of the reasons was that each person supported the other and this emotional support helped neurotics significantly. That inner critic changed, too. Said Finn, “The positive experiences and emotions gained by having a partner change the personality — not directly but indirectly — as at the same time the thought structures and the perception of presumably negative situations change.” Their confidence and more positive view gained through the success in their love life helped neurotics to see the world differently. Their new positive perspective gave them more confidence, allowing neurotics to tackle problems without having to obsess over them or reflect on them negatively afterwards. Chair of differential psychology at Jena University, Dr. Franz J. Neyer said, “Of course everyone reacts differently and a long, happy relationship has a stronger effect than a short one. But generally we can say: young adults entering a relationship can only win!” Anyone who suffers from neurosis, or even anxiety or depression according to Finn can benefit from a loving relationship. According to Flynn, “It is difficult to reform a whole personality, but our study confirms negative thinking can be unlearned.”  For more advice on how to open yourself up to a romantic relationship, read Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love & Intimacy by David Richo.

Most Cheaters Want It All

CHEATING-SPOUSE

According to a new survey conducted by extramarital affair site Victoria Milan, most cheaters want it all. 76% had a lover on the side yet still wanted to have sex with their spouse or current partner. 69% of respondents said the thought of leaving their partner hasn’t even crossed their mind. 85% of those that took the survey said their lover didn’t make a good partner for the long haul. Those who took lovers but still remained in marriages or long term relationships said that love, stability, security and satisfaction were all reasons why they would never leave their spouse or partner. In tandem with the release of the survey’s results, Victoria Milan CEO Sigurd Verdal made a statement, “If you have a good relationship with your partner, if there is still love and affection, if he or she is a good parent and they are part of a good family group, cheaters are not necessarily looking to break up when they look for a lover.  They just want to add a bit of passion and adventure back into their lives.” So the question remains, is it right for cheaters to stay in a long term relationship, even a marriage while still wanting passion in their lives? Can cheating ever be right or is it always wrong no matter what the situation is?

Certainly if the primary relationship is good than it is truly callous and narcissistic to have a lover on the side and hide it from your partner. If the marriage is an open relationship, rules have to be laid down and stuck to if the marriage is going to survive. However, are most people cheating opportunists or is there something terribly wrong in their primary relationships that they must seek love, compassion, passion, sex or all of the above outside of it? Surely those living in sexless marriages where there is no longer an emotional connection but the couple wants to stay together to avoid the pain and financial hardship of a divorce have a right to have these things in their lives. In fact, their spouse may agree to each person finding happiness outside the confines of marriage. But to cheat behind someone’s back as mere opportunism is morally reprehensible. Trust is the cornerstone of any long-term relationship and cheating can damage that trust, perhaps irreparably. Instead, if the spark is gone, before straying reconnect with your partner. Try to bring the spark alive. Reopen the lines of communication. Show them compassion and expect it in return. Work through issues. In the bedroom communicate your fantasies and try to make them come true. Find out what your partner is into and fulfill one of theirs. Then expect them to do the same. Try novel experiences in and out of the bedroom. Reinvest in your relationship and you will more than likely find that what you need is all right there, and these experiences can reinvigorate your relationship, develop your connection and deepen your bond. To reinvest in your marriage or long-term relationship, be sure to read I Still Do – Tips for Saving Your Marriage, Preventing Divorce and Rekindling that Flame by Joshua Osenga.

Don’t Marry for Love

love-and-marriage

Americans are married to the concept of getting hitched for love. The idea of marrying for any other reason is suspect at the very least. Most would find the idea shallow, manipulative, and wrong. Originally marriage wasn’t for love but for the consolidation of power, for safety, financial well-being and more. In the olden days most people married out of necessity. They needed to create a stable home. It was a practical decision rather than an emotional one. Children were a family made labor force to work the farm. Today, the opposite is true. Those who aren’t financially well off often delay marriage as it brings with it undue costs of a wedding, honeymoon and so on. It was only in the Victorian Era and the onset of the Industrial Revolution that people began marrying for love. The 1970’s brought more of an emphasis on happiness as the ultimate goal in life. No-fault divorce laws in that same decade saw divorce skyrocket. Some experts believe that this emphasis on happiness put too much strain on the institution of marriage, causing far more divorces than ever before.

But love today is not enough for a marriage to work. A spouse has to be financially responsible. Carrying someone else’s debt will put a serious damper on your future together, should you want to buy a house, a new car, get a business loan and keep your expenses low. There should be mutual respect, trust, support and a deep sense of responsibility to one another. The person should be a good parent, should you two decide that you want children. Looking for “the one” may indeed be a fallacy born out of a recent time in history. So many people think they find their soul mate, only to realize years later that they are growing apart. Some people call it settling. Love certainly is important, but it isn’t the only factor. If you are in love with someone who has serious issues like addiction, commitment issues, or serious personality problems no matter how much you love them, these issues will tear the two of you apart. Even if you are attempting to marry for love, you need to know that your future spouse has the all the other traits to make the marriage successful. You also need to have common mores, common interests, shared values and a similar view of your future together. If love is the only bond it is tenuous and if it fades, the marriage is lost. Think of a successful marriage as the culmination of a variety of common traits, not just one. For more guidance on whether or not you should get married, read the advice of H. Norman Wright and Wes Roberts in their book, Before You Say “I Do”: A Marriage Preparation Manual for Couples.