Should You Let Your Lover Visit a Dominatrix?

Should You Let Your Lover Visit a Dominatrix?

We often think of sexuality as a solid set of likes, desires, and characteristics. But as we grow and develop, our interests might change or deepen. Especially today with so much access to sexual material on the internet, and a looser attitude toward sexuality in general, people feel free to explore experiences and fetishes they may not have otherwise communicated. But this puts the monogamous relationship in a particular bind. Sometimes two people get together with very different thresholds of what is acceptable in the bedroom and what is not. What makes it doubly difficult is that many people do not find this out until later on, after the nuance of what the BDSM community calls “vanilla sex” has worn off. Usually one person gets comfortable with the repertoire, while the other gets bored with it. Another thing that sometimes happens is one person gets interested in a particular fetish, or certain aspect of BDSM, or finally feels comfortable enough to share their other-than-straight-sex interest. At this point, the vanilla loving partner gets freaked out. They may go through a point of insecurity, wondering if they are enough for the kinkier partner, which one hopes they are assured that they are. But then things come to a point where, each person has to ask, what do you do with this fetish or fascination if the other partner is disinterested, or unwilling to fulfill it? Should you let your partner visit a dominatrix for instance?

First of all, take a step back for a minute and realize that for your partner to divulge this to you, your relationship must have good communication. That speaks to a strong bond and a deep well of trust. These are not things to be taken lightly. Often the emotional paradigm and the sexual one are not at the same level. We may be getting all that we need and more in terms of emotional needs, but a preoccupation or overwhelming desire is waiting in the wings. This is a solid relationship. But the fetish if ignored is not going to go away. Instead, it will fester underneath the surface. You do not want to put your lover in a position where they may feel desire to cheat. Reconsider their fetish. Is it really something you do not wish to take part in? Perhaps you can have a playtime for the kinky one, and straight sex for the vanilla partner. If you are totally against taking part, consider allowing them to see a professional. There is no actual sexual interaction between the dominatrix and her client. It is really about focusing on the fetish itself, and fulfilling that desire. It may even make the relationship happier.

Do not think after years of marriage that you have your partner all figured out. Sexuality is a constantly evolving thing. It is one of the aspects after all, that keeps sex interesting. What the practice of tantra but also of BDSM teaches us is curiosity and compassion. Instead of acting out of fear or judgment, push these thoughts aside. Instead, move forward with curiosity. What is it about this act or fetish that they find so appealing? Where does it stem from? Through sexuality we can learn a lot about our partner’s psychology and our own. Supplant judgment with curiosity. Support your partner in their explorations. Set boundaries that both of you are comfortable with. Allow yourself the freedom to explore some fantasies and kinks of your own, and tell your partner about them. Make plans to have them fulfilled. Being open, honest, flexible, practice superb communication, and be responsive to our partner’s needs. This is what being in a long-term relationship is all about. Do not allow them to go if you have misgivings. Talk it out, until you both feel comfortable. You may even want to meet the dominatrix in the flesh. Whatever the situation, remember to make your relationship your own. Don’t try to fit into some preconceived mold of what you think it should be. Instead, make your relationship a place where both of you can be happy and yourselves.

For those who have changed their mind, and want to give it a shot read Dominatrix 101: The Good Girl’s Quick Guide to Dominating Her Man by Rebecca Lawson.

The Key to Career Success and a Happy Marriage is in your Spouse’s Personality

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The Key to Career Success and a Happy Marriage is in your Spouse’s Personality

Most of the time when we think of someone who is successful, it’s usually the individual we focus on. But in reality when it comes to status, promotions and compensation, psychologists find that a person’s spouse has a lot to do with it, according to a new study published in the journal Psychological Science. Researchers at the Washington University in St. Louis recruited 5,000 married people ages 19 to 89. 75% of participants were in a marriage where both spouses worked. This study was conducted over a span of five years. Participants were given a series of psychological tests measuring different personality traits. These included extraversion, openness, neuroticism, agreeableness and conscientiousness. Annual surveys measuring occupational success were also conducted, tracking participant’s job performance. Those who had the most occupational success were more likely to have a spouse who had a high level of conscientiousness, researchers found. This was true no matter the participant’s gender. Psychologists Joshua Jackson and Brittany Solomon were the authors of this study. Jackson said, “Our study shows that it is not only your own personality that influences the experiences that lead to greater occupational success, but that your spouse’s personality matters too.”

Other studies have shown most people tend to gravitate toward partners who have a low level of neuroticism and high levels of agreeableness. However Jackson notes, “Our findings suggest that people should also desire highly conscientious partners.” Why does a conscientious partner lead to career success? Jackson and Solomon examined how this trait related to relationship satisfaction, emulation and outsourcing—here meant as helping one’s partner out with chores or errands when life gets in the way. Having a conscientious partner means that you can delegate tasks to them when you have something serious going on at work. This one trait is associated with earning a higher salary, and more work-related success. Though the study is remarkable, and it may show why certain people attain success, it isn’t the final word in producing a happy marriage. Professor Deborah Carr, in the Department of Sociology at Rutgers University, conducted a study which found that in terms of a happy marriage, a wife’s contentment was what was most important. The Rutgers professor found that the happier a wife was with her marriage, the more satisfied the husband felt. Carr said, “I think it comes down to the fact that when a wife is satisfied with the marriage she tends to do a lot more for her husband, which has a positive effect on his life. Men tend to be less vocal about their relationships and their level of marital unhappiness might not be translated to their wives.”

Professor at the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan, Vicki Freedman along with Carr at Rutgers co-authored another study on happiness and marital satisfaction, this time in older adults. This research was published in the Journal of Marriage and Family. In that study, it was revealed how the media portrays those who attain success, in particular men. In these instances, their success is often shown to be due to personality traits such as grit, charisma, intellect and more. But these leadership traits are not the end all, be all of success. Research has shown that highly successful people owe their spouse a lot of gratitude. But rugged American individualism propagates the myth, while in reality an important component may be a strong, intelligent, encouraging, conscientious spouse helping their partner that allows the person to succeed. If you need some tips on making your marriage happy, and hopefully help you become successful, if you aren’t already, pick up a copy of, Marriage: Marriage Success Guide with Advice for Newlyweds on How to Have a Happy Marriage, a Successful Marriage and a Loving Marriage by John McQuilkin.

Helping your Spouse Repair Their Credit

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A poor credit score can certainly hold you back in life. But of course you love your spouse and you want to help them repair their credit. Hopefully the underlying issue that got them there, whether it was overspending or using the credit cards to get over a bout of unemployment has been ameliorated. It’s true that your spouse’s credit can affect your ability to buy a house together, get a mortgage, or a car or business loan. But that isn’t or shouldn’t be the only reason you want to help them. Make the reason be the deep love and altruism you feel toward them. They’ll recognize that warmth and compassion and be more likely to overcome reticence and work with you to form and stick to a plan that repairs their credit and makes both of your financials much easier to work with. The first thing to do is to create a budget. Managing money wisely is the best way to make sure that the budget is stuck to and that one’s credit score improves and stays in a good place. Learn to live below your means and start saving. Buy a used car over a new car. Cook instead of eating out. Shop at discount stores. Save up for what you want to buy. Make serious, smart purchasing decisions and see your savings and your credit score soar.

Find ways to reduce what you are paying for things. With some of your savings make an emergency fund. This way when something goes wrong you don’t have to fall back on the credit cards. Teach your spouse all about their credit score, how it works and how to achieve and maintain good credit. Come up with an exact plan on how you will pay off your debt and save for your future. Write down the list of debts, the income you both have, any assets that can or should be liquidated and places where expenses can be cut. Sometimes cuts can sound painful and really put a damper on your lifestyle. But in the end feeling free of bad credit and being able to have access to a better quality of life, without the stress of financial troubles makes you freer and much happier. Be understanding. Usually money habits are learned from our parents or primary caregivers. Understand that you need to help them change their behavior and get them to understand it as well. Once they do outline all the plans, make the necessary cuts and move things around so you have a healthy financial plan moving forward. This may take more than one meeting. Lots of follow up will have to take place. If you need help seek out a financial planner or nonprofits in your area which help people get their credit score healthy again. To find out more, pick up a copy of Hidden Credit Repair Secrets by Mark Clayborne.

Communicating with an Angry Spouse

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We all try to remain calm, cool and collected. But there are so many stresses in today’s world. Sometimes we all fly off the handle, or even lash out at someone we care about as a way to vent. It can be hard to communicate with an angry spouse, particularly if you don’t know why they are angry. The first step is to remain calm. Too many people respond by getting angry themselves. This only makes things worse. They will feed off your anger, becoming enraged. This is a vicious cycle. Instead, take a deep breath, step back, put your arms up and call a time out. Let them know that you love them and only want to help. Ask them why they are so angry. They may think you already know or should know. Do not be sarcastic or patronizing. Don’t be condescending either. Certainly do not tell them that they are acting irrationally. These will only make matters worse. If they think you should know, apologize, and tell them you want to know because you want to help them. Give them a minute. Invite them to sit down. Ask if they want to collect their thoughts. You can get them a glass of water, or some tea. This should make them feel better. Everyone likes to feel taken care of. Your kindness, patience and consideration will be much appreciated once in hindsight.

Do not try to aggravate them. Listen attentively. They need to be heard and their concerns, validated. Let them know you understand how they feel. They may just need to talk it out in order to sort out their feelings. Let them know you are there for them. If they are blaming you for something you didn’t really do wrong, do not apologize. Instead, try to sort it out. Ask questions and prove deeper. It may merely be a matter of misunderstanding or misinterpreting something you said or did. Don’t argue, it will only make matters worse. Remind them that you are their partner, not their adversary. You should be playing on the same team. If you get them to calm down, give them a hug and let them feel how much you care about them. When things are fine again, it’s time to discuss the manner in depth. You may need to give your spouse some time. Decide how to avoid this situation in the future. Listen carefully to one another and don’t interrupt. Be free of judgment and hear them out, but also compromise and negotiate. Why not brainstorm ways to handle the issue in the future? That way you can avoid this happening again. If your spouse has lots of these incidents, discuss better ways to communicate so that you don’t have this problem again in the future. If it is a serious issue, or they are prone to histrionics, urge them to seek help. If this is a high conflict relationship, do not stand for abuse. But if this is an uncommon occurrence, realize that we are all human. Our emotions get the better of us now and then. Expect them to be there for you, too. For more insight on how to communicate with an angry spouse, read the advice of W. Doyle Gentry, PhD in his book, When Someone You Love Is Angry.

How to be Assertive with your Spouse

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Do you think you get taken advantage of in your marriage? Or do you need to be more assertive and want to start practicing at home? If people are walking all over you, it’s time to stop this behavior and stand up for yourself. Everyone deserves respect. But you have to expect it in order to receive it. Make sure you understand what is reasonable and what isn’t. If you don’t know, talk it over with a friend, parent, mentor or confidant. Learn to recognize when you are being taken advantage of. If you see a pattern forming, learn to recognize the signs when it begins occurring and stop it in its tracks. Don’t use the word you. It will put the person on the defensive. Don’t say you do this, you do that. Instead use the word I. Tell them I feel this way when you do that. Make sure you give the person good eye contact. Don’t break eye contact if you want to be taken seriously. Don’t make it a staring contest. Make sure it’s natural but that you are standing up for yourself and aren’t backing down. If you hide your eyes or look away the other person will feel that they can dominate you. Keep good posture. Have a body language that faces the person and is direct without being threatening. Don’t cross your arms; this means you are closed. Stand with open body language and gestures.

Make sure you are clear with your communication. If this is the first time you are being assertive with your spouse, or at least on this issue, don’t let them make excuses, or guilt you into backing down. Use silence to your advantage. Don’t break under the pressure of an uncomfortable silence. Instead, use it to make your spouse uncomfortable. Use appropriate language, unless you want to get into a fight with them. Don’t let your fear or anger overwhelm you. Remain calm, take deep breaths and proceed at a normal speaking pace. Make sure your tone of voice sounds confident and purposeful, without sounding angry, hurt or afraid. Let them know exactly what the issue is and how it makes you feel. Something like, “Honey, whenever you don’t do the chore we agreed you would take care of, and I end up doing it, it hurts my feelings. And it makes me feel like you don’t take our relationship seriously.” You haven’t blamed them. You said exactly what the problem is, used an ‘I’ statement and told them how it makes you feel. This should redirect them, see things from your point of view. In fact, they might apologize right on the spot. If the issue gets too heated, agree to revisit it when you two are calmer. Hold your spouse to it. Being assertive is standing up for yourself, communicating clearly and letting your voice be heard. For more tips on how to be assertive, read the advice of Randy Paterson in his book, The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships.