How Available Should You Make Yourself for Someone You Like?

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How Available Should You Make Yourself for Someone You Like?

In comedian Aziz Ansari’s Live at Madison Square Garden standup special on Netflix, he talks about a common problem many of us who are single often run into, scheduling inconsistencies and how to bridge them. Oftentimes, we start texting with someone. There is a mutual interest. But since many don’t date one-on-one anymore, but meet in groups of friends instead, scheduling a meetup becomes nearly impossible. By the time one group arrives at said bar or club, the other has already moved on. Each side is too afraid to show any real interest. They are each apprehensive of making themselves too available and so lowering their market value. But without accommodating one another or by making the social paradigm so intricate, it becomes almost impossible for the two to get together. Some decry this new paradigm. Others say that when things are right, they will just fall together. But is that true?

Certainly those social butterflies who come complete with an entourage will want to dovetail their newfound love into the fold. But what happens when two people have an entourage? Perhaps you can combine them into a might army. Otherwise, this social paradigm is prohibitive. Rather than a way to take the pressure off, show a person’s social standing and benefiting from that, they are shutting the other out before seeing whether they have something together, before anything can even begin. So what’s the alternative? Certainly you shouldn’t make yourself too available. But others get caught up in the winds of their own social microcosm and miss what could be a terrific romantic opportunity. Consider keeping your options open for one or two nights per week. A little flexibility is required. But if you are bending over backwards without reciprocity, move on. Also think about seeing this person without your other friends, or if that makes you cringe even a smaller subset than the normal group. It’s okay to go on an old-fashioned date now and then too. You don’t have to look like a movie star with a huge following. But alone, if things go awry your friends aren’t there to see it, which is a huge plus.

You could bring up something you both are interested in. Say you are both movie fans and looking forward to the premiere of a certain independent film. You can just invite them because you share a common interest. It’s somewhere you would have been anyway. You can play a little hard to get. But don’t be unavailable or unapproachable either. You may look intimidating, even arrogant. It’s hard to strike a balance. There’s a feel to it. You want to telegraph interest without being too interested. The problem today is people try so hard not to look needy that they end up looking completely uninterested. For ladies, though we live in a more enlightened time, it’s often the case that a man likes to chase you. So play a little hard to get, but give a clear opening to allow him a place to move forward. Also, evaluate how shy he is or how perceptive. Sometimes guys miss what to women seems obvious. You might think you gave him a chance when he didn’t even recognize it. Experimentation is the only way to figure it out, trial and error. For guys, watch her carefully, get to know her and woo her. When things are right, they usually fall into place. But sometimes you have to goose things along a little bit. If you’re doing all the goosing though without anything from the other end, go out with your friends instead. This person is not worth your time. For more on the state of love today read, Modern Dating: A Field Guide by Chiara Atik.

Science Says What Kind of Men Women are Most Attracted to

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Science Says What Kind of Men Women are Most Attracted to

Guys are traditionally the pursuers, and even though we live in an enlightened society most women still prefer it that way. But lots of guys wonder what kind of man women are attracted to, and how to bring the best qualities out in themselves. Women tend to vary greatly in tastes. Lucky for most poor dolts who have hardly a clue, science has stepped in to try and answer the dizzying, age-old question of what kind of guy women want. Here are some of the things science has uncovered. If you’re flying without your wingman, you may find yourself cruising over lonesomeville for quite some time. For one thing, women rate men more attractive in group photos rather than when by themselves, at least according to a study out of the University of San Diego. Therefore, it stands to reason you look better when someone’s there with you. Researchers say this is due to something called the “cheerleader effect.” People look more attractive with their faces together, since incongruities in any one person are sort of evened out by the whole group. Another thing, women like men who know how to work a room. If you are always with an entourage and you’re the life of the party, or at least she thinks you are, you look high status and someone fun to be around.

Are you a single dad? Be sure to take your baby out cruising. Just keep it during daytime hours. Not only will you get father of the year, you might score a few phone numbers. A study in France found that men who cooed, smiled at and talked to infants were 40% more likely to score a woman’s phone number than those who ignored a baby. Researchers say it shows a greater propensity for being a good dad, should the couple have offspring. Some guys shave every day. Others sport a righteous beard. But why not shave every ten days? According to Australian researchers, men who did so were seen as the most attractive. This layer of stubble is thought to project just the right level of masculinity. Here’s some simple advice. Get some nice wheels and you’ll turn heads. If you can’t afford it, borrow some. A British study found that the same dude in a Bentley Continental was found way more attractive than one in a Ford Fiesta, even with the same clothes and facial expressions. Status is the reason, and the projection of resources which he may be willing to share with a certain, special lady.

If you’re an animal lover, taking your dog for a walk may not just be a necessity, but a way to meet someone. A French study found that women were three times more likely to give up their digits to a man walking his dog versus one who approached alone. Dogs break the ice. They also project kindness, sensitivity and thoughtfulness, all qualities women find appealing. Got a little extra time? Why not volunteer? A Cornell study found that women who knew a man volunteered found him a better candidate for dating and a long-term relationship, due to the fact that he was more selfless and compassionate. If you really want to get a woman to fall for you, make her laugh. A University of New Mexico study found that those guys who could make a sharp witted quip and make a woman laugh were more likely to have short-term, uncommitted sex than their straight-laced counterparts. These quick bursts reveal creativity and intellect, two qualities women greatly desire.

Lastly, if you want to get more hits on your dating profile, include the words “creative,” “ambitious,” and “laugh.” Dating sight Zoosk did a survey and found profiles that had these words got 33% more messages. Include words like “read” or “book” or exercise words like jogging, lifting weights and the like also increased message frequency. Be sure to take it slow. Mention “drinks” or “dinner” too quickly and your response rate will plummet 35%. So this advice improves your hit rate. But what about quality control? Read, How To Get A Date Worth Keeping: Be Dating In Six Months Or Your Money Back by Henry Cloud, and you’ll have that covered too.

If she’s Doing These Things, Call Off the Wedding

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If she’s Doing These Things, Call Off the Wedding

Weddings are stressful, especially on the bride to be. Plans, problems, arranging different things, family members and bridesmaids who disagree, the list goes on. That said, marriage can also be quite stressful. You want a life partner if you are willing to take the plunge. Divorce is painful, lengthy and expensive. Your best chance is to marry right in the first place. To do that you should help her, support her, but watch what signs she’s exhibiting and how she deals with stress. Chances are there will be great waves that come and rock your marriage. This is the time to tell if you’ll be able to weather those storms or sink to the bottom of the murky depths.

Look out for the warning signs and if things don’t feel right in your gut, feel alright backing out of it. Everyone will understand. If they don’t they aren’t on your side to begin with. If she’s doing these things, call off the wedding. First, expect her to be totally stressed. But if she turns into an absolute nightmare, punch out. Years from now when she’s totally flipping out on you and you have nowhere to run or hide, you would have wished you listened to this advice. If she’s being absolutely ridiculous understand that this isn’t the last time you’ll see this behavior and consider carefully.

Watch out if she tells you to cancel the bachelor party. This is truly the one ritual that exists separate, that is only for the man. It’s a rite of passage in our culture moving from singledom to a married man all in the company of your best buds. Whether it’s paintball, camping or Vegas it’s the one thing that defines maleness in your run up to the wedding. She may say she doesn’t want you going to a gentleman’s club or that she doesn’t trust what your friends might do. But what you should be hearing is manipulative and controlling. Are there other hints at this behavior? Does she tell you what to wear? Has she already selected the names of your children? Does she tell you what to eat and what not to? It may seem cute in the beginning but this emasculating behavior will either make her your superior or force you out of the relationship.

Though you are getting married, it doesn’t mean you have to rush into parenthood. Is your girl living too much in the future? If she’s talking about the home décor of a house you don’t own, what colleges your kids will go to when you don’t have any yet, and where you will retire she is probably trying to catch up with her friends and lose your relationship in the process. Talk to her. Get her to slow down and enjoy the now. But if she refuses, you’ll have to keep up with her friends forever. Better to hit the eject button. For more advice read, The Marriage Compatibility Test: 101 Questions to Ask before You Marry by Richard Chesser.

Does your Fashion Sense Attract Men?

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Does your Fashion Sense Attract Men?

It’s no secret women love fashion. But does a woman’s fashion sense help her attract the man she’s looking for? And does it rate with other qualities like looks, personality, intellect and a good sense of humor? Of course having a great fashion sense can be an asset. But not for the reasons you think. The Huffington Post actually took a poll to see if a woman’s fashion sense helped attract a fine gentleman. The result, men do like a woman who is well put together. But not only does her looking good make her attractive, a good fashion sense projects other qualities attractive in a woman such as meticulousness, individuality, an eye for detail, sophistication, a highly developed understanding of social interaction, and the ability to impress. These qualities are highly sought after for some. A person’s unique style communicates her personality, who she is inside. And so this can act like a magnet but also a sieve, pulling in the type of guy you would like to meet. What does your fashion sense say about you and who does it attract?

One’s fashion sense however should reflect who they are. If the woman is plastered only with labels, this can be viewed as tacky. If things are thrown together willy-nilly or placed in such a way as to project wealth only, this may mean that she has no sense of style, no panache of her own. Blatant gaudiness is not attractive. Also, someone who is lead blindly by the nose by the fashion industry and doesn’t explore on her own, can be flat and boring. Men aren’t really into so many details, they notice them in others. Really, they look at the big picture, who is she? What does she care about? Does she care about the same things I do? Is she interesting and intriguing? Would she fit in with my friends and social circles? Can I take her to a work function, out to a club, and home to mom too without thinking twice? Just make sure your wardrobe is sending the right message about you, and attracting those who are into the same things you are. And also remember that it really isn’t the clothes, but the personality of the person that’s in them. Confidence and a smile are the most attractive things. To learn more about what men find attractive, read The 7 Irresistible Qualities Men Want in a Woman by Bruce Bryans.

You Don’t Need to Get Married

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You Don’t Need to Get Married

It happens to some of us at some point, when everyone around you seems to be getting married and having kids and you are still planning your own life out, never mind thinking about settling down. Some people are fine with it. Others feel tremendous pressure to fit in with their friends. Then there are those who are pressured by their family to get married and raise children, or perhaps they come from a traditional family or culture where it’s expected to do so. The truth is that in today’s world, you may be far more normal thinking this way than you realize According to a National Marriage Project study lots of young people today are holding off on marriage and raising a family to further their careers, pursue their dreams and fulfill their own life goals. Young people aren’t the only ones staying single. People fifty and over are choosing to cohabitate over getting married, consider the jump from 1.2 million in 2000 to 2.8 million in 2008 according to the U.S. Census. Not only are you not alone, you may fair better flying solo physically, psychologically, even financially. You don’t need to get married if you don’t want to and here are some reasons why. First, there is no need to rush into marriage today. Statistics out of the Pew Research Center found that in 2011 the median age for marriage reached its highest yet, 27 for women and 29 for men. Lots of people are marrying older, or just living together, even living alone. We are free to choose what we wish.

Most people don’t think that married people have advantages in today’s world in terms of  “fulfilling sex life, being financially secure, finding happiness and having social status” according to a 2010 Pew Survey. 24% said that marriage would get in the way of their career goals. Conventional wisdom always says that women put on weight after getting married. But according to findings published in the journal Families, Systems & Health its men who really “let themselves go.” 2,300 Midwestern married men were followed in this study. It turned out that married men were 25% more likely to be overweight than their single or merely attached counterparts. Married men in general were 60% more likely to be overweight, married women were 40% more likely. It used to be that people got married for financial stability, as well as love. Today, it could cause you financial grief. You may have a harder time if your spouse say has lots of debt to get a mortgage, an auto loan or a business loan. For older people, getting married could mean taking on more medical bills. Nursing home fees can pile up to ten thousand dollars a month or more. If you are a single parent with a child in college, getting married and increasing the family’s income could lower or eliminate your child’s access to a student loan. Sometimes marriage hurts your social life. All of a sudden the invitations to dinner and other places from friends stop, assuming that you would rather hang out with your spouse than your friends. But we all need time with our friends. Lastly, there are a lot of studies that show the benefits of marriage but few that show the benefits of singledom. However, studies are now showing that stressful relationships can put you in an early grave. Better to be single and happy than attached and not. You won’t only be happier, you’ll live longer too.  For more on feeling fulfilled while flying solo, read Single: The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled and Independent by Judy Ford.