Get Over the Stigma of Singledom

Single people get a bad rap. In the media, they are depicted as sad and lonely. Rarely do we see someone strong, well-adjusted and independent without a love interest lurking in the background. Then there is the butting in of certain well-meaning friends and relatives. They may come under some kind of delusion from time to time, and talk to you as if there is something wrong with you. “Why haven’t you found someone?” they ask. Or give you not so good advice like, “Maybe you should just lower your standards a little.” Just relax and remind yourself that you are in good company. The biggest growing demographic in the country today is single women. Sometimes we let what others say get to us. Don’t let them stigmatize you for loving yourself and leading your own life. Get over the stigma of singledom and enjoy flying solo. And in fact, while you are at it, help those other people get over their prejudice against unattached Americans as well.  Here are some reasons why you should feel lucky to be without a plus one. 

Ever see folks who don’t quite belong together try and make it work? It’s just sad. Why would you put yourself through that? Instead, why not wait for someone you can relate to, who flips your switch. Getting turned on is not just a sexual thing. It’s probably more emotional. It’s when you flow with someone. You have that instant rapport. There are different reasons why we are attracted to a person. When you meet that special someone who makes your heart skip a beat it dawns on you that this is someone worth pursuing. But just having a warm body next to you at the movies or on the couch isn’t worth it to those who have a brilliant mind, a full agenda and an independent spirit. There are people who jump from one relationship to another like frogs across Lili pads. These people are generally scared of being alone. But they don’t get a chance to really dig down deep and learn some personal truths about who they themselves are. A pause between serious relationships can give you time to breathe, slow down and focus on your own issues, where you are going and what you want in life. The person you have to love first and best in life is really yourself.

When you aren’t attached you can date around and see what you really like. Why not have some adventures? You can open up your social calendar and allow yourself some time to be a free spirit, sprint off without having to check in with anyone, or babysit someone who can’t keep up. Singledom is not a dilemma, it’s a rare opportunity that most people don’t have and some are downright jealous of. Now is the time to do the things you’ve always wanted to do. Go teach English in Asia. Volunteer in Africa. Explore your passions. Learn a new language. Start a business. Discover your family history or completely transform yourself into the person you’ve always wanted to be. Being single can feel lonesome at times. But at least you won’t ever feel trapped by or disgusted with your lover. You won’t feel smothered or neglected, rejected or treated unfairly. Jean Paul Sartre said, “Hell is other people.” Anyone who has ever been in a bad relationship knows what he is talking about. Instead, reconnect with yourself and find your own inner light. Once you are glowing like a beacon, someone worthwhile is sure to notice you. If you’re still not convinced or are just giving up the single game read,“Best Dating Advice I Ever Got”: 3000 Women Pick Their Favorite Love Tips by Ali Binazir MD.

Possible Reasons Why You’re Still Single

Possible Reasons Why You’re Still Single

Some people are lone wolves. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it can feel like a life filled with freedom. But most of us are searching around for our other half. After a bad relationship, being single can feel liberating. But for most of us, there are certain instances where being single can make you feel lonely too. Times like getting a table for one at a restaurant, going on vacation by yourself, going to a wedding without a date, or sitting in a movie theater before the film starts, while happy, contented couples are yapping away. You begin to wonder why a great person like you could possibly be single. After a while a dry spell, or dating lots of people but where nobody stands out, can get tiresome. So if you are in the doldrums of love, what’s the deal? How do you get the squalls of passion bellowing through your life once again? Why are you still single? It could one of several reasons. Some people have opened up and gotten hurt in the past. They carry that around with them and it weighs them down. At other times, their last relationship left a negative residue on them that they can’t seem to rub off. Whatever the case, some daters are defensive. But by being this way you are repelling worthwhile candidates. Try to let go of bitterness. Find your fun, flirty self once again. Take a personal journey inward and let out your inner child come out to play. If you can bring out your fun side, you will be radiating positive energy and the right people will be drawn to you.

Next, think about the type of person you are attracted to. Are they good for you? Are these healthy relationships you have been having? Some people are attracted to the wrong type. They like the bad boy or bad girl, and think they can change him or her. It usually takes only a few times to find out the only person you can truly change is yourself. There are those who have a nurturing aspect to their personality. They are givers. They give and give and get upset when their partner cannot return as much as they put out. These givers need takers. But in a relationship both parties have to try and meet one another somewhere near the middle. One person has to learn how to give, the other to receive. For many their partner’s efforts are never enough. This could be true, or it could be a case of unrealistic expectations. Each should be recognized for his or her own capacities. In fact, one of the greatest parts of true, unadulterated love is being able to see another person for how they truly are, recognizing them faults and all, and accepting and love them regardless. But you have to find someone whose faults you can come to terms with and vice versa. That can be tricky but worth investing in.

Besides being too picky, falling into unhealthful patterns, and fearing intimacy, some people have a low self-esteem. They settle for those they really are not into, thinking that they cannot attract those they want. But these daters are always dissatisfied in their love life. The best thing to do is to learn to love yourself, work on yourself first. The most attractive people of all are those who are completely self-possessed. They are absolutely comfortable in their own skin. There are those who fear being humiliated through trying to date when they feel too old or no longer attractive. But love at any stage in life can bring with it tremendous joy. It also motivates us to be better people. We want to bridge the gap, invest in ourselves, and impress someone who has potential. But always remember that the first and most important person to love is yourself. Heal yourself. Invest in your journey. Fall in love with yourself and life all over again. If you do, your heart will glow like a beacon calling your beloved forth.

For more such advice read, If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?: Ten Strategies That Will Change Your Love Life Forever by Susan Page.

Single in Your Thirties

Single in Your Thirties

With the way the job market is today, many people are putting off marriage. The omnipresent focus on advanced degrees and career development puts a damper on young people’s love lives. They have to put all of their focus on developing their career.  It’s normal to be single right into your thirties today. Around the late twenties or early to mid-thirties is when people are marrying, or as the trend increases choosing instead to cohabitate long term. Having children has been delayed until somewhere in the third decade as well.

Though it’s normal to be single even well into your thirties, and some prefer it that way, lots of people feel anxious about their love life if they don’t have someone serious at their side by this time. Women are feeling this sting particularly poignantly. But they shouldn’t worry so. Being single in your thirties today can even be natural. Lots of people feel lost without any clear path that one should take. It’s hard to figure out for yourself what you want in life and if it’s doable. But here is some advice to make dating and singleness in your thirties a more positive experience while you seek out your romantic path and pursue whom you meet on the road to love.

First, don’t build up a callous or bitter heart due to disappointments from the past. Lots of people clump the opposite sex together in a negative light when they’ve been unlucky in love. We are all guilty of it in some point in our lives and to a certain degree. The truth is that if you want to have a positive experience, you need to be enthusiastic. No one wants to date a sour puss. And if that’s all you are putting out there you are driving good, qualities mates away and perhaps attracting the wrong ones. Of course it is painful and heart wrenching when things don’t turn out right and we get hurt. No one and nothings seems to be able to cut so deep as being injured or spurned by someone we cared about. But at a certain point you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back out there again. It’s the same with a sport, an interest or a hobby. You have to work at it and you can’t let obstacles stand in the way. When you lose a game, you don’t give up the sport forever. You practice harder and come back to the playing field, not sulking but with your game face on. Don’t focus on your biological clock. It will make you choose the wrong person or make the wrong decision. Many a nasty divorce had its seeds in an anxious marriage. If it is really weighing on your consult your doctor for medical help such as freezing your eggs or sperm. This could free you from such worries. Know that you will date a lot, sometimes the wrong people, and that’s okay. Don’t fall for grass is always greener syndrome. Understand that everyone has faults. Find someone who has great qualities and faults you can live with, in time.

Things to Know as a Single Woman

SINGLE-WOMAN

Things to Know as a Single Woman

Lots of women are out there today who are licking their wounds. Whether it was a decades’ long marriage or a long term relationship you had high hopes for, it’s difficult to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start life anew. But that is what each must do in order to live a happy, healthy, satisfying and fulfilled life. If you are a woman who finds yourself newly single, take heart. You are not alone. The biggest growing demographic in America today is single women. All the best men are not taken. Most of them are divorced or single as well. There are things you should know as a single woman that will help so much in finding yourself, making the most out of your life and possibly finding the right person for you.

First, realize deep down inside that you are beautiful. No one else is focusing on those little insignificant things that you hem and haw over. Instead, focus on what is beautiful about you; your smile, your laugh, your eyes, and your voice. Everything about you is beautiful so celebrate yourself and your life. Forgive yourself, love yourself, open your heart to the world and happiness will come into your life. If someone gives you a compliment, don’t deny or justify it, just enjoy it. Say thank you. Let it feel good. Do you want to feel bad? Then why do it to yourself? Start getting used to feeling good and enjoying who you are. If someone tells you you’re beautiful, just say thank you.

You should know that you don’t have to take every opportunity that comes your way. Someone might make a pass at you and you’ve felt lonely, but if you aren’t into them don’t take it. Even if they buy you a drink or dinner, you don’t owe them anything. That was for the pleasure of your company. Don’t feel like you owe anyone anything and don’t be pressured into anything. Be independent. Be your own lady and look out for yourself. Learn to sleep well in your own bed. Lots of women after a long relationship fear that. Sleep in the middle. Hog all the pillows and the blankets. Declare it a bed vacation just for you.

If you were dependent on your husband or significant other and are scared to enter the world, don’t be. You have all the power and skill you need right under your hat. And if that weren’t enough you have friends and family to help you through the tough times. Work little by little at getting more and more independent and reward yourself when you’ve done well. Lots of single women fall for the idea of being in love again. But the first place that love has to come from is within. Without truly loving yourself you cannot really love another person in a sincere and healthy way. When you love yourself you radiate an intensely positive, lighthearted energy that is so attractive, those who are the type you are looking for will find you. For more advice on living the single life read, Single: The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled and Independent by Judy Ford.

Should you Rebound with an Ex?

Couple-In-Bed

Should you Rebound with an Ex?

Some people need a rebound after a bad breakup. It validates them and makes the hurt go away quicker. You have someone else to focus on. But should you rebound with an ex? A surprisingly large number of women end up in bed with an ex after a painful breakup. Why is that? There are lots of reasons. Though it may have ended badly for them before, he is familiar and she feels safe with him. She can not only feel sexy with him but some of the old love may still be there too. There’s an emotional bond, a closeness as it were.

The comfort level is the main thing. You two can be thick as thieves sharing laughs and reminiscing about old times before getting busy. You may even wonder why you broke up in the first place. Here’s the problem with having an ex as a rebound. It makes things more complicated in the long run. You may start to wonder whether you should be with this ex or not. Lots of people in this situation forget why it is they broke up to begin with. If a new relationship with this person starts without any of the old problems being solved, you may just be rehashing an old scene. That would compound your problems.

The question really becomes how emotionally involved are you? If you aren’t at all and it’s just for fun and old time’s sake, then it may be okay. But you have to make sure that your ex feels the same, or else there could be serious complications. You may have a heartsick ex on your hands, in addition to dealing with your own problems. The next question, if you and your ex are considering getting back together, is what were the issues that broke you up to begin with? Are these fixable issues that just weren’t addressed or are these deep seeded problems that cannot for the life of the two of you seem to be undone? That’s a really important question.

A few nights of passion may be fine but you have to know and feel out exactly where everyone is emotionally in this situation or else you will have even more trouble on your hands than you started out with, the cure you sought will become an even greater problem. Learn to let go and be by yourself. Or perhaps try someone who is nice and trustworthy but emotionally isn’t ready for a relationship. A rebound doesn’t have to be an ex. It can be but should only be if the conditions are right. For more advice, read The Rebound Journal: Breaking Up and Bouncing Back with Style by Jennifer Worick, Kerry Colburn, and Neryl Walker.