How does Someone Become Needy?

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How does Someone Become Needy?

Neediness isn’t good for a relationship. It lowers the person’s self-esteem and self-worth. It puts pressure on the relationship and ultimately pushes their lover away. The anxiety, constant worrying, the accusations or the constant need for reassurance become overbearing, robbing the other of psychic energy. A little self-doubt of course can be seen as modest and endearing. But it can become really draining to have to reassure someone time and again. Sooner or later the needy partner is seen as a liability and is cut loose. So how does someone become needy and how can they avoid it?

There are many reasons why people become needy, and a combination of reasons could be the case too. Here are some speculations. Unavailable parents, trauma, or abandonment causes neediness. There are unseen wounds that spring open when the person starts to enter into a new romantic relationship. Some people are never satisfied. The problem could be a traumatic event in their past. Or the problem could be temperament. Some things are never good enough for certain people. They have a hard time being satisfied. Development could play a role. Some people get stuck in the idealizing phase of their development, when they entered into their first romance. But they idealize love too much and fail in their adult life to be able to do the nuts and bolts of what it takes to make it work long term.

If the person acts immaturely, the problem is development. It could also be what Freud called the Unresolved Oedipus Complex. This is desiring what you can’t have. It’s like loving your parent and desiring them but knowing you can’t have them, this wanting what you can’t have and a constant inner tug-of-war destroys their relationships. These people tend to make the same mistakes in their love life over and over. Attraction to someone who is unavailable makes them more alluring to many. But it always ends in heartache. If you find yourself with this problem seek the help of a mental health professional. Work on building your self-esteem. Volunteer, do things that matter to you, count your blessings and make plans for the future. Plan goals and reach those goals. When you have a series of accomplishments you’ll feel better about yourself and feel less needy. When you feel needy, double think calling or texting that person. Put little systems in place for yourself to control your neediness. Have a good friend be your mentor and call them if you feel needy. It will improve your relationships if you practice a little bit of patience and some good judgment. For more advice read, Taming Your Outer Child: Overcoming Self-Sabotage and Healing from Abandonment by Susan Anderson.

Breakup Habits that Exacerbate the Problem

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Breakup Habits that Exacerbate the Problem

A breakup can tear you up inside, especially if you didn’t see it coming. What’s the best way to breakup? A clean break. But that’s hard to do for a lot of people. The Huffington Post recently conducted the “Breakup with Your ex Survey” and found that 86% of respondents believed a clean break was best, while 64% were still pining for their ex.  If you are in this situation, you may feel all alone, but in fact you are in good company. Still, there are normal go-to habits most people take part in that exacerbates the problem rather than alleviating or lessening it. Don’t fall victim to your own misguided good intentions. Avoid these common pitfalls and you should be on your way to healing that broken heart.

First, don’t leap into bed with someone else the moment you get the chance. Of course you should definitely move on when you’re ready. Finding that you are still loveable and attractive to the opposite sex will renew you. But when the wound is fresh this new relationship is just bound to make you more confused and upset. Instead, take some time to be sad and to mourn.

Next, get rid of your ex on your social media sites. Quit stalking their Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and the like. Unfriend them as quickly as possible. Some people believe that doing so is sending a message to their ex. But so what? It’s better than watching their every move on social media, and getting yourself more angry and upset than you already are. How can you move on if you keep looking them up? If you two are going to be friends in the future you can refriend them at that time. Don’t confront your ex to get closure. It won’t help any. It will just make you look bad in your ex’s eyes, and others who know about it. Any interaction to provide closure will just result in where you are now, with a broken heart.

Don’t take it as a bruise to your ego. There are reasons why this relationship isn’t healthy, satisfying or compatible. That means you two are just not compatible. It’s no one’s fault, though it’s important to see what you might have done that you may bring to the next relationship. Focus on your feelings, yourself, how incredible you are and ways to soothe your heartache. Don’t brush over your feelings, embrace them. But don’t wallow in self-pity forever. Recognize when it’s time to get back out there. The next great love of your life will bump into you when you least expect it. For more advice read, Breakup Rehab: Start Over Stronger by Rebekah McClaskey, M.A.

Don’t Let Perfectionism Ruin your Relationships

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Don’t Let Perfectionism Ruin your Relationships

Some of us have high standards for things. We want our lives to be perfect. With the right moves, creating the perfect home, family, spouse and life are thought of as an armor against catastrophe. But the truth is that no one can protect against a disaster. Life is inherently messy. No matter how perfect you try to make things, it can get messed up. No one can have complete control of their situations. And if you think that you can, when hit with the latter your reaction to tragedy will be far worse.

Perfectionism can wear on a marriage and drive a wedge between you and your kids. You aren’t giving them any say or sovereignty on their own lives. Behind all the good intentions, the smart schedules, the plans and the objectives is a dictatorial attitude. When you take away other people’s ability to decide or help decide in the affairs of their household and their life, you’ve essentially taken their rights away. The problem with the perfectionist is that he or she becomes more and more demanding until it drives everyone away. Don’t let perfectionism ruin your relationships. Take control of it and your life.

First, realize that perfectionism is just a hard shell around a soft inner layer. That soft inner layer is fear. Fear of criticism, rejection, disapproval and ridicule. But the truth is these very fears make their end come to pass. Instead practice anxiety reduction techniques. Join groups that help you manage your perfectionism. Elicit help from those close to you. Sit down with your spouse, children, significant other, whoever is in your life and explain what the problem is. Apologize for whatever problems or pain you’ve caused them. Say it by name, don’t paper over the apology or it won’t mean as much. If you are going to apologize believe it and commit to it.

Allow a more democratic style into the household where everyone gets a say and everyone can say their piece. You might not like what everyone has to say. But the truth is hashing it out is far better than letting it boil beneath the surface, or else you’ll get a flash boil. This way you all can talk things out. Find positive outlets for your perfectionism. Learn boundaries of others in your household when it comes to your perfectionistic tendencies. Find out how to pick your fights. Manage the issue and you will be okay and your relationships will blossom. For more advice read, Present Perfect: A Mindfulness Approach to Letting Go of Perfectionism & the Need for Control by Pavel Somov, Ph.D.

Pre-Marriage Toolkit

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Pre-Marriage Toolkit

Almost all love advice we are taught growing up is how to meet someone, but we never learn the skills we need to keep a relationship going and make a marriage run smoothly. Well today some organizations are trying to supply a pre-marriage toolkit or workshops to teach you and your partner the skills you’ll need to enhance and sustain nuptial bliss. These classes aren’t only for before you tie the knot. They can help keep your relationship humming along smoothly. Enter smartmarriages.org a website listing classes held across the nation, in all 50 states.

If you don’t have the time or the gumption to leave home on your or your spouse’s free time and work a course into your schedules, perhaps take a course online. Marriage counselor Dr. Susan Heitler has developed an online program at poweroftwomarriages.com. There are four tools every couple needs to put into their tool kit so as to have a successful union according to Dr. Heitler. The first is self-regulation. This is in terms of one’s emotions. Controlling our emotions is one important part of growing from childhood to adulthood. But many adults still struggle with anger issues that leak in and destroy a marriage. If one or another person raises their voice more than once per month, or if one or both spouses tend to say nasty things to one another, anger management should counteract that tendency.

Lots of couples have to work on their communication skills. Too many couples let problems devolve into arguments. They don’t know how to use tact in their relationship. They don’t validate one another’s feelings. Listening actively is not on the menu. And the model they use quickly becomes one of antagonism instead of cooperation. Hurtful or negative communication styles should be stricken from a marriage in total. Don’t counteract what your spouse says with “But.” Listen intently. Understand where they are coming from. See things from their point of view and yours and find avenues of compromise. Be patient. If things get heated stop the discussion and reschedule for another time. Seek innovative solutions for problems and keep your spouse’s opinion and concerns in mind and address them with your solution. Conflict resolution is a key skill that any long-term couple should possess. Every couple is going to see certain things differently. Instead of accommodating only one person’s preferences, solutions need to address both.

Lastly, too many couples let negativity seep in and poison their relationship. The way to guard against this is to inject positivity into your relationship as an antidote. Show appreciation. Laugh and joke with your partner. Compliment them. Show physical affection. Do something nice for them for no reason. Seduce them. Buy them a little gift. Write them a love letter or a poem. These will renew your relationship and your life, and keep both of you happy, together and smiling. For more advice read, Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before -And After- You Marry by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott.

Men Cheat More Due to Impulse not Lack of Restraint

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Men Cheat More Due to Impulse not Lack of Restraint

Research that appeared recently in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that the reason men cheat isn’t due to a lack of personal restraint but the mere fact that men have stronger sexual impulses than women. This study was composed of two experiments in one. The first was designed to show how both men and women reacted to enticements of a sexual nature in their past. The second was designed to examine self-control and sexual impulses in a very rapid-fire way. Co-author and psychology doctoral student at Texas A&M University Natasha Tidwell said of their findings, “Overall, these studies suggest that men are more likely to give in to sexual temptations because they tend to have stronger sexual impulse strength than women do.” This of course doesn’t give men free reign to cheat, or a get-out-of-jail-free card. Tidwell follows up her statement with, “But when people exercise self-control in a given situation, this sex difference in behavior is greatly reduced. It makes sense that self-control, which has relatively recent evolutionary origins compared to sexual impulses, would work similarly — and as effectively — for both men and women.”

148 women and 70 men were recruited for this study. Subjects were to describe a time when they were attracted to a person of the opposite sex who was unavailable or who they weren’t compatible with. A questionnaire was then administered to determine the strength of sexual impulse and what behaviors would result from them. According to Tidwell, “When men reflected on their past sexual behavior, they reported experiencing relatively stronger impulses and acting on those impulses more than women did.” Self-control however was the same for both sexes. Said Tidwell, “When men and women said they actually did exert self-control in sexual situations, impulse strength didn’t predict how much either sex would actually engage in ‘off-limits’ sex.” University of Texas assistant professor Paul Eastwick, Ph.D. of the Department of Human Development and Family Sciences supported her statement saying, “Men have plenty of self-control — just as much as women.” Eastwick was Tidwell’s co-author in this study. In the second study 326 male and 274 female undergrads were shown an array of photos at a party they were told to attend. Some of the participants were labeled “Good for you” and others “Bad for you.” At one party participants were asked to pursue the “Good for you” people, in others to pursue the “Bad for you” ones. Men were more likely to accept desirable partners. Yet the same study showed that men can also practice self-control just as much as women can. For more on this topic, read Never Satisfied: How & Why Men Cheat by Michael Baisden.