Why do we Fall in Love?

inlove

Why do we Fall in Love?

Have you ever wondered how much of love is biology and how much is psychology? If you’ve ever wondered if chemistry just happens or can be created, if love at first sight is real and all other things about love, you are living in a wondrous time. Why do we fall in love? Science has some answers. There are three different systems in the brain, that when brought together spell the emotional and biological phenomenon we call love. First is the sex drive created to ensure the perpetuation of our species. The feeling of romantic love helps you focus on one person making sure you don’t waste any time or energy. The last part is the comfort and security you feel when with a long term partner, giving you time to raise children together.

Love feels fantastic because the pleasure centers of the brain are activated when we fall for someone. Dopamine, the chemical that makes you feel euphoric, enthralled, and sleepless mirrors other experiences, such as being high on cocaine. Love at first sight does occur, though more to men than to women. Men are visual creatures. Whereas women fall in love in terms of who a person is, their charm, status or power rather than their physicality. Love at first sight may be an evolutionary advantage, producing offspring in a short amount of time rather than the long, drawn out process we go through today with society as our backdrop.

Timing of course is just as important in falling in love as it is with everything else in life. If you’re too busy with work or focusing on your responsibilities you may not notice the perfect person for you, when they’re just inches away. But with a little free time and the right mindset, a sort of openness, not necessarily looking for it, love can hit you like a lightning bolt. If you want someone to fall in love with you, do exciting things together with them. This releases dopamine and norepinephrine into the brain, mimicking romantic love. There is a difference between love and lust. You can feel love for one person. But lust dissipates after sex. And you can feel attracted to someone without being compatible, or jealous if they are into someone else.

How do you keep the spark alive? By trying new and exciting things together, and doing the things you did when you were first dating. Perhaps someday all of our questions on love will be explained. Will that kill the romance? Or will it give us a finer appreciation of the nuances of love? Only time and intrepid scientists will give us the answers. For more on this topic read, Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love by Helen Fisher.

Positive Statements to Empower your Spouse

HAPPY-COUPLE

Positive Statements to Empower your Spouse

The best relationships are based on mutual trust, respect, love, physical and emotional chemistry and crystal clear communication. Of course, none of us survive in a vacuum and relationships will have to weather difficulties, both from without and from within, from the emotional baggage you, your partner and everyone carries with them. That said there are positive statements you can make to empower your spouse, who will then be rejuvenated and will empower you, creating a virtuous cycle that you can both benefit from. Instead of tearing each other down like some toxic relationships do, learn to boost each other up.

These aren’t things you say if you don’t believe them. Make sure these statements are true for your situation, and that you sincerely put them across, or else they won’t work but will in fact sound flat, passive-aggressive, even discouraging. Here are some things you can say all the time to let them know how you feel about them, and give them a little ego boost at the same time. First, when they do something for you, or around the house should you cohabitate, show your appreciation. Don’t just make a blanket statement like “I appreciate you.” Tell them “Thanks for doing the dishes” or whatever they specifically did. “Thanks for hearing me out. You gave me great advice on what to say to my boss about working overtime.” No one feels better than when they are appreciated. And they will return to favor, giving you a little boost. You are also encouraging them to continue this positive behavior.

Let your spouse know that he or she is your priority. This is difficult for some people to do. A lot of married couples invest the majority of their energy in their children or their career. But when it comes time to focus on their spouse, they come up lacking. This lack of focus, attention and love makes a marriage wither and die. Instead, cultivate a strong, healthy, robust relationship. Organize your work time carefully, make sure the children spend some time with your folks or the in-laws to give you two time alone, and make your marriage the number one priority in your life. Let your spouse know how happy you are that you married them. After a few years a marriage gets to feel like an old blanket. It’s warm and comfortable. But it’s also taken for granted. Don’t take each other for granted. Renew intimacy, romance, and care for one another and your relationship will deepen and develop further.  When they look good, notice and say so. Let them know when their outfit looks good, how their smile lights up the room, and how it takes your breath away when they dress up. Let your spouse know that you aren’t going anywhere. Let them know you will always love them and be there for them. You need to make them feel secure, supported and deeply loved. Make sure to continually show your trust, love, fondness and appreciation for your spouse and you will have a long, happy, healthy and well-adjusted marriage. For more advice read, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last by John Gottman, Ph.D.

Use a Pro to get your Ex’s Texts

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Use a Pro to get your Ex’s Texts

We all know how important texting has become in our love lives. Now they are becoming weighty evidence in divorce proceedings according to a survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. Text messaging was present in the top three forms of electronic evidence used in divorce court today. But getting texts for your attorney can be difficult. You can either read them off the phone directly, or perhaps write them down for yourself.

The second method is to have them taken off the phone. This can be done even after the messages have been deleted. If there is some type of access code for security purposes, bypassing that would make the texts inadmissible in court according to John Simek, Vice President of a Virginia based computer security company called Sensei Enterprises, Inc. It’s like the difference between a suitcase that is open and one that is locked. Of this Simek said, “Then there is an expectation of privacy, and you’d better not be blowing by it.” Also understand that cell phone providers don’t store any messages on their end. So don’t go snooping in that direction, you’ll come up empty.

This is where you can use a trained pro to get your ex’s texts. According to Simek, a text message usually stays on the provider’s servers for about two weeks. But a case has to be filed before a security company can go in there and get a text. Otherwise, they have no leg to stand on legally. Searching the actual phone is really the best way to get at texts says Simek. Once a text has been deleted however, it can be hard to retrieve. Computer forensics companies can use several methods to try and retrieve these text messages. BitPim , Sim Card Seizure,  or Paraben Device Seizure are some of the methods used. Keep your fingers crossed.

“Normally it’s pretty volatile, these text messages,” says Simek. How your phone overwrites memory comes into play. But the forensics company will go through all of the internal organs of the phone to see if they can grab a hold of the steamy text your ex sent to their lover. These special software extractions can even get the date and time, important information where court is concerned. Some of the software programs even get inside the phone and take a photo of the text. These companies can even testify in court on how the text was extracted.  So the next time you have a text that can help pay off in divorce court, look up your local computer forensic security company. They may be able to ensure you get your hands on it, and your lawyer does too. For more assistance with evidence seeking read, The Everything Private Investigation Book: Master the Techniques of the Pros to Examine Evidence, Track down People, and Discover the Truth by Sheila L. Stephens.

Embrace Romantic Love, Forgo the Fantasy Bond

REKINDLEROMANCE

Embrace Romantic Love, Forgo the Fantasy Bond

Stony Brook University recently released a study that proved couples experiencing “romantic love” can keep their brains in the same state as when they first fell for one another. Bianca P. Acevedo and Arthur Aron led this study where they discovered that the regions of the brain where motivation, desire and reward exist, the dopamine rich areas were active just in the same way as a couple who experienced romantic love for years. Romantic love was defined by researchers as “intensity, engagement and sexual interest.” Those who experienced romantic love enjoyed a healthy, long relationship where each person felt high levels of self-esteem and satisfaction. This means that long term, romantic love is possible and is experienced by many couples today. Of these findings Dr. Acevedo said, “Couples should strive for love with all the trimmings… Couples who’ve been together a long time and wish to get back their romantic edge should know it is an attainable goal that, like most good things in life, requires energy and devotion.” So what can couples do to maintain or renew that spark of love and keep it going as an eternal flame all their lives long? Make sure to embrace romantic love and forgo the fantasy bond.

A fantasy bond is a psychological term developed by Dr. Robert Firestone. This is an illusory connection one creates when one cannot bond with someone due to an earlier emotional trauma and fear of intimacy, but one also fears loneliness and isolation. This fantasy bond is then created as a way to pretend to connect with a partner without actually connecting with them. Sometimes it’s done when a person sheds an important part of their personality in order to fit into the relationship. Explains Dr. Firestone, “Perhaps the most significant sign that a fantasy bond has been formed is when one or both partners give up vital areas of personal interest, their unique points of view and opinions, their individuality, to become a unit, a whole. The attempt to find security in an illusion of merging with another leads to an insidious and progressive loss of identity in each person.” It’s important to keep one’s identity intact in order to experience romantic love. One has to lower one’s defenses in order to be vulnerable and find real love. We are allowing a person into our inner sanctum and that can be really scary. People then form a fantasy bond as a go-to area where they don’t have to lower their defenses yet can pretend to take part fully in the relationship. The other partner however will remain unfulfilled and seek to bond, while the first will get irritated, angry and continue to avoid vulnerability. Recognizing and taking steps to unravel a fantasy bond, should one exist in your relationship, is the first step to finding real romantic love. To learn more about fantasy bonds, read The Fantasy Bond: Structure of Psychological Defenses by Robert W. Firestone, Ph.D. and R.D. Laing, M.D.

When Things Fizzle Out

Awkward-Silences

When Things Fizzle Out

Have you ever been really into someone when all of a sudden it fizzles out for seemingly no reason? You lost the spark. The chemistry died out. Sometimes people sabotage a relationship without even knowing it. This is when you start taking your partner’s feelings for granted. Sometimes that magical feeling that comes over you when you are first falling for someone can also dim your notion of reality. It can give you a false sense of hope, that this relationship is and will always be perfect. But after some time has passed you both get comfortable, perhaps too comfortable. You start to act more like friends than like two people in a romantic relationship. Problems can creep in. The first fights or disagreements generally begin at this stage. It’s at this particular period where that spark can fade. A lot of women at this stage start pushing for what they believe the relationship should stand for, what it should be about. They have an agenda that they believe both parties should stick to. Unfortunately, a lot of guys are turned off by this. They feel like she’s trying to control everything, that he doesn’t have a say, and that this isn’t who she was before, this isn’t what he signed on to.

This is the make it or break it point for a relationship. Do you two start constantly locking horns until one or both of you break it off? Will you two find a way to compromise and move on? Or will you just hang there somewhere in space not moving forward or backward, just suspended in relationship purgatory? To hope alone for a better outcome isn’t going to make it so. This takes some careful planning and action. First, think of the person you are involved with. How do they truly make you feel deep down inside, if you peel away all the other things that get in the way? If you two truly love each other than you have to let bygones be bygones, find ways to lighten the mood, express that love for one another and then get down to business, finding a way to make things work. Both sides have to be flexible. It shouldn’t be seen as two opponents sitting down to a merger or an acquisition. This isn’t a business negotiation. Instead, the health of the relationship is what’s at stake. Each side then should be willing to sacrifice everything but their core values and needs. Those should never be compromised, lest one party lose power and self-respect. And they will harbor resentment at the other. Instead, make sure each person makes a compromise they can live with. But be sure to be flexible and keep the overall health of the relationship in mind. Ladies, don’t try to control your man. Men don’t respond well. In fact, it pushes them away and has an impact on the relationship. Guys, get in touch with how your lady is feeling and relieve that feeling. If she’s feeling insecure about the relationship, find a way that you can make her feel more secure. Communicate and love one another, and work together as a team and your relationship will prosper.  For more advice read, The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships by John M. Gottman, Ph.D.