If he’s got these in his Search History, Delete Him

Online-Flirting-Is-Cheating

If he’s got these in his Search History, Delete Him

We are all guilty of looking at things we shouldn’t on the internet from time to time. But there are certain things that cross the line. Respect and trust need to exist in any relationship for it to be healthy and happy. But there are just certain things a husband or boyfriend shouldn’t be seeking out. If he’s got these websites in his search history, delete him from your life or expect trouble the next time you sign on to his shenanigans. It’s perfectly normal for a guy to seek out some porn. They are guys, they are going to look. But if you happen to find an over-obsessive amount, this is a deal breaker. It may mean he’s addicted to porn. He could then have trouble pleasing you.

Another phenomenon that is occurring, guys who expect their wives and girlfriends to act like porn stars in the bedroom. While you may be all about exploring your kinky side, just understand that the women in these films never get their needs met. So if you want him to go down south, or you wish to explore some of your own fantasies, you’d better come right out and talk about it or it could all be over. Another deal breaker in this realm is porn that is too extreme. Sure he may have a fetish which you enjoy or are at least willing to accommodate. But if you find out he’s really into some sick stuff, it’s time to hit the road. Next thing you know he’ll want to bring some of that stuff into the bedroom. FYI, if you’re up for it, a little bit of good quality porn between consenting adults can actually stimulate your love life form time to time.

If he’s been on dating sites since you two have become an item, get rid of him. He’s a player, a narcissist; he’s self-absorbed and doesn’t care about your feelings. He’s looking to cheat. One side note, make sure you two have verbalized that you are in a committed relationship. Some girls just assume. If you haven’t said it, it isn’t true. When you are only dating you can’t expect him to shut down his dating profile. You never know what might happen. He’s keeping his options open or still deciding on you. You may be in the same phase. But if you’ve said the three little words, be mine only and they said yes, then this guy is a heartless scumbag. He’ll give you a line of crap. If you fall for it, he’ll cheat on you anyway, and you’ll be in more pain and hate yourself worse for failing to see through his jive.

If your man has a long history of surfing gay websites, you need to confront him about it. There’s nothing wrong with different sexual orientations. If you fantasize about having two guys, and the relationship doesn’t mean that much to you emotionally, you may find it exhilarating. Otherwise, your man may run off with another man. How will you feel then? If you find him on Ashley Madison or some other type of cheating website, sign off on this relationship. He’s a cheater and a sneak. For help moving on if or when your break up read, You Didn’t Want Him Anyway: Get Over Any Man in 5 Simple Steps by Claire Casey.

Humans can Detect Potential Cheaters in Minutes

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Humans can Detect Potential Cheaters in Minutes

Some people detect infidelity right away. Others stay in relationships for years and can’t see what is right in front of them. But those on the outside always know, don’t they?  As bizarre as it sounds, a new study out of Florida State University supports this. Lead author Dr. Nathaniel Lambert, an assistant professor at Brigham Young University’s School of Family Life, told the Huffington Post, “People can determine whether complete strangers were cheaters or non-cheaters by simply watching them interact for a short period of time.” 51 undergraduates participated in the study. Each one completed a questionnaire asking them about their own relationship, and if any physical or emotional infidelity had occurred. Then they were put together with their significant other. A video was taken of each couple interacting for a total of four minutes. Six strangers were then shown a video and asked how likely it was that each student would cheat. It turned out the student’s self-reported cheating correlated with the stranger’s evaluations, according to researchers. Then a second experiment was conducted. This time, 43 couples and five strangers took part. Here, the same phenomenon occurred, strangers were able to pick out cheaters accurately, far better than chance would allow.

The director of FSU’s Family Institute and co-author of this study, Dr. Frank Fincham said more research is needed to explain how and why this phenomenon occurs. In an email Fincham explained it could exist, “Possibly because it confers an evolutionary advantage.” From the Stone Age viewpoint, if we know someone is a cheater we don’t have offspring with them. We don’t spend energy or hard-won resources providing for and protecting offspring that aren’t ours. The results of this study can be found in September’s issue of the journal Personal Relationships. So what are some ways you can tell whether or not your partner is cheating? Even if friends or strangers haven’t pointed it out to you, a drastic change in behavior will tip you off. Have they started wearing perfume or cologne, or taken a new interest in their appearance? If someone goes from mostly slovenly to all-of-a-sudden stylish, be suspicious. If you ask them where they have been and they begin acting defensive or sensitive, or evade normal questions like who they were with and what they were doing, it might pay to take a closer look at what is going on.

Are you allowed near their phone or computer, or are they off-limits to you? They may be doing it for more than just a need for privacy. Is your partner no longer interested in physical intimacy? Or are they lately giving you far more than before? A sudden change can mean something is up. But usually a drop off is a red flag, signaling that they may be having their needs met elsewhere. Do not accuse your partner of cheating without some sort of evidence. Otherwise, they will just deny it. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you. Instead, think about the relationship. What might be causing them to go astray? Do you suspect someone as their lover? Have you two been fighting a lot lately? Has your relationship lost intimacy? Or is it something else? Confide in a close friend or confidant to see what they have observed or how they feel about your relationship. If you are in a serious relationship, you should be able to discuss things without one or both of you flying off the handle. Pick a time and date when you two have free time and aren’t preoccupied. When you are ready, sit down with them and tell them about the troubling behavior. However, you can always be direct. Let them know there are certain things you have noticed lately. Ask for their side of the story. Listen carefully. Are your fears unfounded? What is the reason, if they have strayed? If infidelity has been committed, the next step is to see if you want to repair the relationship, or cut your ties. There will be a lot of talking and soul searching at this point. Certainly some relationships, even marriages have come back stronger. Infidelity was a wakeup call. But for many it spells the end. The trick is, repairing trust. That can take a long time and a lot of energy. You both have to decide whether or not it is worth it. It could be too, they aren’t cheating and your suspicions are unfounded. For how to tell the difference pick up a copy of,  How to Catch a Cheating Spouse: Learn How You Can Quickly & Easily Catch Your Spouse Cheating The Right Way Even If You’re a Beginner by Jackie Tell.

Cheating Clues Men Exhibit

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Cheating Clues Men Exhibit

Some women are very paranoid about their man cheating.  Perhaps they are insecure or have felt the sting of infidelity before. Others don’t worry so much. But in either case, it’s important to know the clues men exhibit when cheating, not only for yourself but for those around you, whom you’d want to safeguard against such a thing. According to a recent study, a woman can tell whether or not a man has cheated just by looking at his face. Women have a natural ability to judge fidelity based on a man’s facial cues. However, not all women are attuned to this ability, or have interpersonal skills, or empathy. Therefore it’s important to see the telltale signs of cheating for yourself. Of course, just because your man is exhibiting these signs doesn’t mean he’s actually cheating. Many a surprise party or special gift has been ruined by a wary wife or girlfriend. So take one or two little things in stride. But be aware of the warning signs.

Is your man acting distant or moody? Irritability, mood swings, acting cold or distant all of a sudden can be signs. When he’s happy leaving but unhappy in his lady’s presence, he may be cheating. Sometimes you can catch a man in his lies. He tells you one thing, then forgets and tells you another, or if he can’t explain where he’s been, be wary. If he suddenly becomes extra nice, or showering you with gifts for no apparent reason he could be trying to heal his guilty heart. When he is a guard dog and sentry of his phone, takes quiet, hushed phone calls in another room on purpose, or is extra sensitive of you being anywhere near his phone, he may have something to hide. If his tastes in music, movies, clothes, food and other things change suddenly, be mindful of this. If he takes extra time in the mirror, has gotten a new look or fancy clothes he may also have been led astray. One final clue is when he avoids talking about the future. This can also tip you off that he may be cheating. For more signs of a cheating man, read Is He Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs by Ruth Houston.

If He does These Things, You are Being Used

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Men and women often approach relationships differently. Some women feel very deeply and express their emotions, expecting the man to reciprocate. The trouble is men are socialized in our society not to reveal their emotions, while women are socialized to freely and actively talk about them. Sometimes women mistake this as him not caring or not caring enough or as much. Other times men do just use women for sex. It’s important to know which is which. You don’t want to get rid of a guy who truly cares about you just because he isn’t very expressive or doesn’t express his emotions the same way. Of course you don’t want to keep a guy around who isn’t interested in a relationship but just wants you for your body. So what can you do? How can you tell the difference? If he does any of these things, you are more than likely being used. His behavior will tell you the truth. First, when do you see him? If you guys go out on regular dates that’s one thing, or if you call, text and just hang out regularly. But if he only calls late at night after bar hopping with his friends, you have a problem. When a guy’s really into you he wants to spend time with you. But if you only see him when he’s been drinking or just late at night, he’s only interested in a booty call, sorry to say. Does this guy cancel plans at the last minute? Does he always have some pat excuse as to why? You can’t just rearrange your whole schedule for this guy. It’s also rude and inconsiderate, not good relationship qualities.

Have the two of you ever been out and about in public? If you never go for dinner, to the movies, for drinks, hanging at the park or most regular stuff that normal couples do, he’s using you. Does this man sweet talk you, saying all the things that you love to hear, but never delivers on them? If he’s charismatic and charming but there’s no substance, he is persuading you to stay with him as long as he can so that he can enjoy the time you two have between the sheets. But if he never follows through, as soon as you call him out on it and stick to your guns, this guy is going to disappear. Remember actions speak louder than words. If you always back down, give in or let him persuade and sweet talk you, he’ll never commit and you’ll be stuck in this position for as long as you allow it. Think about how much you know about him. Does he leave out important details? Do you know his friends, where he works or anything about how he grew up or his family life? How much do you really know? If he’s standoffish or gets upset when you ask these kinds of questions, he isn’t really into you. He may enjoy spending time with you but perhaps he doesn’t think you two have long term potential. He could be married as well, or have a girlfriend. If you feel excited about this relationship or very attracted to him, you may get swept up in that feeling and ignore these warning signs. You deserve someone who loves, cherishes and commits to you. So make sure you aren’t being used, and if you think you are break it off with him. You are better off in the long run. For more on this topic, read Mr. Unavailable & the Fallback Girl by Natalie Lue/NML.

Counter-Dependency

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Codependency is a style of relationship where one person has a negative behavior, say alcoholism and their partner buys them liquor, gets verbally abused, cries to everyone, makes excuses, and returns. The person can’t be autonomous and live without the partner. They depend on the partner for attention and they fear separation. The problem with codependency is the person suffering from it doesn’t trust themselves to live alone and be able to take care of themselves. Codependents don’t trust themselves. In counter-dependency, another attachment problem in love, the person cannot trust others.  This is called in psychology an “avoidant attachment” style or an insecure attachment pattern. Abuse or a disharmonic relationship between an infant and its caregiver can cause this. Then children want to be autonomous and don’t trust their caregivers. When they grow up they don’t trust romantic partners.  There is a difference between being self-sufficient and being counter-dependent. People who are independent in a healthy way still recognize that they are inter-dependent with others. They feel that they can control their own destiny and that their own fate is not unduly influenced by outsiders.

Healthy autonomous people have what is known as an “approach mindset,” meaning that they want to be independent not because they don’t trust others but because they want to develop themselves in order to grow, and perhaps reach their full potential. This person is still connected to others in a healthy way. Healthy autonomous people can and do have fulfilling, well-adjusted relationships with romantic partners. They can rely on others, share and be vulnerable with their romantic partner.  When first encountering a counter-dependent person they may seem much like the healthy autonomous. They are both independent. The difference comes as the counter-dependent are of the “avoidance mindset,” meaning they do not wish to be vulnerable, share or rely on others. They avoid such things due to mistrust. Therefore, they cannot become a part of fulfilling long term relationships. Even if a counter-dependent is married he or she will hide an independent secret self or life. They will have a positive relationship with their spouse on the surface. But they won’t want to open up, will have intimacy issues and will fear depending on their spouse. They may have a strong need to always be right. They may be perfectionists. They wish not to be close to others. They will never ask for help even when they clearly need it. They will become hostile or very upset if they appear weak or vulnerable in front of others. To read more on this issue, pick up a copy of The Flight from Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-dependence – The Other Side of Co-dependency by Janae B. Weinhold Ph.D., Barry K. Weinhold Ph.D. and John Bradshaw.