The Aftereffects of Cheating on a Marriage

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The Aftereffects of Cheating on a Marriage

Once you find out about cheating, it can cut you so deep that it feels as though the pain will never go away. If you are the cheater you start to realize how getting sucked up in the moment can have tremendous consequences on your life. But what are the real aftereffects of cheating on a marriage? If you are staying together, it means trying to pick up the pieces and reestablish trust, no easy feat there. You may feel like you are in jail or constantly on trial in your own house. If you are the victim of cheating you’ll feel like you’re living with a criminal, someone who reminds you constantly of the betrayal, someone you are always suspicious of no matter what they are doing. It’s hard to reestablish trust and it takes lots of time.

If you aren’t staying together, realize that unless the assets were used to conduct an affair, no fault divorce laws in every state means that cheating has no legal bearing on the separation of assets. In Florida the law is such that if a husband was meeting a lover, let’s say at a hotel room using his and his wife’s shared account, if she can prove it she can recoup that money. Adultery may come into play in a custody battle if the lawyer can prove that it shows evidence of that person being a bad parent.

The psychological aftereffects of cheating after divorce are low self-esteem, anxiety, anger and the need for revenge, depression and for some a disconnect from reality. Sometimes you realize the affair all of a sudden and it ends the marriage. Sometimes it’s one person’s dirty little secret that the other knows about, but tolerates for a time. But sooner or later enough is enough. Either way when you find out you’ve been cheated on the pain can be overwhelming. And when it leads to a divorce it is compounded, especially if it is a long, drawn out and painful divorce with fighting over the assets or custody of the children.

Lots of people need to rest after that, reconnect with themselves, their friends, and their family. They have to get used to being divorced and being single again. There are lots of adjustments to be made. Where will you live? Do you have to go back to work? There’s the need for validation which usually comes from dating again or a rebound relationship. Am I attractive? Will others find me sexy? Sooner or later everyone gets over infidelity even if it leads to divorce. It’s a painful journey but light is at the end of that tunnel. Usually things fall into place in the long run. For more help with recovering from an affair, read the book, Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD): The Six Stages of Healing by Dennis C. Ortman, Ph.D.

What to do when Your Spouse Wears Diapers

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When you suddenly find out that your spouse is wearing diapers it’s difficult to know how to react. What are the dos and don’ts of the situation? You don’t want to hurt their feelings but you want to know what’s going on. The first thing to do is to directly ask them. Pick a low stress time when you both have time to talk. Take them aside and ask gently. Tell them you won’t judge them. Let them know you want to help and you are there for them no matter what. Generally speaking adults do not wear these unless they feel they need to. Most people find diapers degrading. There are three reasons people wear adult diapers. Either they are incontinent, they are adult babies or they have a certain sexual fetish. If it is a medical issue having to do with loss of bladder or bowel control, have them see a doctor right away if they haven’t already. This is an important medical condition that needs to be addressed. They will need you by their side for emotional support. They will feel very vulnerable and exposed as they endure a sequence of tests.

If it is a sexual fetish, take a step back and try to see it from their point of view. Diapers are soft and warm. And people have fetishes for certain materials such as latex and leather. Talk to them about it in a calm manner. Let them know you want to know more about it. How does it work for them? What do they see as your role? If it only goes as far as wearing it once in a while, maybe there isn’t any harm. But you should know exactly what is going on, if you feel comfortable or can ignore it. Remember the other reasons why you married them and give yourself some time to get over the shock. Reevaluate when you are ready. Keep talking to your spouse about it and get to know more. Maybe after the initial shock wears off, it isn’t such a big deal after all. If they are regressing into a baby-like state, the most confusing of the three, seek to learn more. Are they role playing, using toys and so on? How far does it go, what is involved and how do you fit in? Learn more about this phenomenon and evaluate carefully. Give yourself some time to understand it and get over your shock. Remember that they are your spouse and you love them. You might be hurt that they hid it from you for shame, pride, not wanting to upset you and so on. It hurts but understand where they are coming from, let them know that you want them to share these things in the future and that you are on their side, but cut them some slack. Write a list of concerns and address them with your spouse. Have ground rules if you decide to stay together, which are fair for both parties. Keep talking and the way forward will become clear. To learn more about diaper fetishes, read the advice of Penny Barber in her book, The Age Play And Diaper Fetish Handbook.

Have You Engaged in One of these Taboo Relationships?

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Why is the forbidden so alluring? Why is it at times we most desire what we can’t have? Ever see a girl flirt a guy away from his girlfriend, only to dump him a short while later? She was just caught up in the game. She thought she liked him, but she only wanted him because the other girl had him. She was caught up in the madness of forbidden desire. Date long enough and you will at least have thought about, if not engaged in one of these taboo relationships. The first one is your boss. Many people have had fantasies of dating the boss, whether male or female. They don’t have to be old anymore either with so many young businesspeople doing start-ups, social enterprises, and other ventures. You could also be someone at a higher strata and be turned on by your employee. It could even be a coworker. Whoever it is at work, companies usually have rules about dating inside the company. And if they don’t, it still could be bad if the relationship goes wrong. But it is steamy when a behind the scenes romance is flowering in the office. Have you ever had the hots for a neighbor? You see each other in your bathrobes, perhaps catch one another sunbathing on the deck. Before you know it you are over for cocktails and getting to know them better. But watch out. It might get awkward at the neighborhood watch.

Has someone who’s taken been making flirty passes at you? If you haven’t been actively putting the kibosh on it, you may be enabling it. Do you like the attention? Of course, who wouldn’t? But just how far are you willing to let it go? They probably won’t leave whomever they’re with for you. And even if they do, can you ever really trust them? Have you ever dated someone much older? Experience can be sexy. So can independence. Having to reassure a lover can be awkward and a downer. But someone who’s older brings so much to the fore. However, where is the relationship really going? The same with someone who is much younger, sure they can validate you and make you feel great. But what do you have to really talk about? Older women dating younger men has become more common. There are plenty of resources available to women who are interested in this, such as the book Cougars and Their Cubs: Reasons Older Women Choose Younger Men by Tomei B. The teacher-student relationship can be steamy. It can also land someone in jail. College professors used to sleep with their students in the 1960’s and 1970’s. But today, it is surely looked down upon, and can even get the professor in trouble, perhaps cost him or her their job. An ex’s friend is also a taboo relationship that often comes up. Don’t sleep with them to get revenge. You will end up breaking someone’s heart and no one will respect you for it. Watch out for taboo relationships. They are certainly steamy but they can also get you in a lot of trouble. They are probably better off as realms of the imagination then things that take place in reality.

Getting a Guy to Tell people You Are Dating

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Have you started dating a guy who wants to keep your relationship on the down low? First, determine how long it has been like this. If you’ve only been dating for a few weeks, he may be a person slow to transition, hasn’t been dating for a while, or has recently gotten out of a relationship and is considering whether this is a rebound or for real. Are you an item? If you aren’t exclusive and just seeing each other, you may need to search your feelings, then sit down and have a conversation to see where this is going and what each of you want. If it’s been a month or so and you two are seeing each other regularly, it may be high time for you two to go public. Think about his friends and family and what their response might be. If he just went through a divorce or a difficult breakup, you may imagine his reticence in showing you around. Is there a big age difference? Are you a biracial couple or one from two different cultural backgrounds? If his family is very traditional, he may be having a hard time knowing how to broach the subject. You two should talk about this issue. Let him know how it makes you feel that your relationship is a secret. Ask how he feels about it. Ask why he has been slow to let people know about the two of you. If you want a long term relationship with this person, say so. If he does too, then make plans on how to tell people you are dating.

Is there any reason that he may have doubts about you or the relationship? If so, work on building a deep bond of trust. Display your trustworthiness. Give him all the reassurances he will need. If he’s the one that has been untrustworthy to others in the past, let him know that this is a clean slate. Give him opportunities to prove his trustworthiness to you. If he is just private about his romantic life and emotions, baby steps might be best. Start going to places together. Tell a few close friends first and then venture out into telling others. Show him how to change the settings on his Facebook account so the change in relationship status isn’t a big blaring announcement, but there for those who want to see it. If after all of this he still doesn’t want to show you off to the world, alarms should start ringing in your head. There must be something wrong. He may not consider you a person he wants to have a relationship with. He could be seeing someone else or even already in a long term relationship. If you’ve tried and tried and gotten no results, give him an ultimatum. Break up with the guy if he is unwilling to make you his girlfriend. He isn’t worth it. You need to then find someone worthy of you.

Picking up a Coworker

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Are you interested in someone at work? The idea of dating a coworker can be scary, especially if you are career minded. There are a lot of questions to ask. Should you or shouldn’t you? That depends. If it is a boss or someone you are in charge of, definitely not. This can send the wrong signals to everyone. If you are so into this person that it’s driving you nuts, than why not suggest a transfer for one of you? Or one of you could try to land a new job at an opposing firm, if you are both interested in having a relationship—something beyond a snog behind the scenes at a company holiday party. If it is someone in your department that you work with each and every day, think of what might happen if it doesn’t work out. You have to face them, each and every day. If you think this could be the one, it is hard to argue with you. But otherwise, think again. If it is someone in another department, or who you won’t see too often, one could hardly blame you for asking out that mailroom cutie or the beauty down in accounting. Make sure you are always respectful and polite. Even if he or she is in another department, you don’t want them to badmouth you around the company. It might reach your bosses ears.

Be discreet about it. Why not feel things out? See if he or she has someone. If they are single, strike up a conversation with them. Take a little detour every day and visit them. Flirt, but subtly. Make them laugh. Find out what their interests are. If they like jazz music for instance, invite them out to a cool downtown club that you know. If they like art, research galleries or museums in the area and offer to take them to an exhibit. It’s hard to say no when, in addition to your smiling and adorable self, there is something he or she is totally into that you two are doing together. Remember to be respectful on the date as well. Don’t show this person your wild side at least until the third date, if not the fifth. You don’t want rumors floating around the office about you two. They will be doing so on their own accord in the meantime. But you don’t want to face anything that might be even partially true. Have the person you are dating sworn to silence about what goes on between you two, and make sure to hold up your end of the bargain. It might be fun to kiss and then tell your close friends around the office lunchroom, but consider how the other person will feel. How would you feel if they did this to you?