Signs you May be Entering or are in a Bad Marriage

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Signs you May be Entering or are in a Bad Marriage

When you see a disaster is eminent, the best plan is to get out before it’s too late. After that, it’s all triage. Nowhere else is this truer than when entering into a bad marriage—the consequences of which can follow you for years. Sometimes we’re blinded by love. At other times, something arises that cannot be reconciled. Either way, when the divorce is final, we often look for easy things to blame. We feel confused, overwhelmed, hurt and angry. But usually there are many things that lead to the decline and dissolution of such a relationship. Enjoy love but keep on the lookout for important warning signs. You may be able to duck a bad situation or likely recognize when your relationship is heading south. Do you remember your first fight? Few couples do. Well, maybe some women do. In any case, lots of couples fight about the same things, money being the topmost issue, confirmed in several studies. But if you start fighting about money early on, say as you’re boarding the plane on the way to your honeymoon, the marriage could be in trouble. That’s according to research out of Kansas State University. That’s because arguments about money early on affected the marriage even years later. Fighting about money was the “top predictor for divorce” regardless of socio-economic status or income level.

If you got married by an Elvis impersonator in Las Vegas at the spur of the moment, surprise–you might not make it. But if you dated for three years before deciding to get married, you have a 39% less likelihood of seeing the inside of a divorce court, according to researchers out of Emory University. Couples who dated for three years had far better odds than those who dated for less than a year. Are you both teetotalers? Or perhaps you both like to party until the wee hours. If you’re drinking habits diverge sharply, your relationship might soon too, so say University of Buffalo researchers. If one spouse drank heavily, the couple was more likely to get divorced. But the same results weren’t true when both partners tipped the glass often. Apparently, it’s the mismatch rather than the habit that causes strife.

Did you two talk about a prenup before marriage? If so, you are more than likely to keep your money when you two go your separate ways. That’s because the longevity of the marriage isn’t the utmost concern to both parties. Couples that don’t share a bank account are 145% more likely to divorce, says the National Center for Family and Marriage Research. The reason is financial generosity and sharing is conducive to marriage. It makes you a unit. Keeping things for yourself and separate is not, though of course we all need some individuality. Still, complete separateness denotes something. How much did you blow on the wedding? Some events seem to cost more than a mortgage nowadays. But one Emory University study found that the more you spend on the wedding, the less likely you will have staying power. That’s because spending more gave each elevated expectations for the marriage. When you aren’t ready for problems when they inevitably strike, there are no coping strategies set aside to deal with them. Those who coughed up $20,000 or more were 3.5 times more likely to divorce than those who spent $5,000-$10,000. Social networking sites have us all interconnected. They influence us more than we think. In fact, one study published in “Social Forces” Journal found that if a friend or neighbor got divorced, that person was 75% more likely to get divorced themselves. For ways to make you marriage strong whether entering into or already in the thick of it read, The Marriage Guide Book: How to Make Your Marriage Thrive by Vanessa Pagan.

If she’s Doing These Things, Call Off the Wedding

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If she’s Doing These Things, Call Off the Wedding

Weddings are stressful, especially on the bride to be. Plans, problems, arranging different things, family members and bridesmaids who disagree, the list goes on. That said, marriage can also be quite stressful. You want a life partner if you are willing to take the plunge. Divorce is painful, lengthy and expensive. Your best chance is to marry right in the first place. To do that you should help her, support her, but watch what signs she’s exhibiting and how she deals with stress. Chances are there will be great waves that come and rock your marriage. This is the time to tell if you’ll be able to weather those storms or sink to the bottom of the murky depths.

Look out for the warning signs and if things don’t feel right in your gut, feel alright backing out of it. Everyone will understand. If they don’t they aren’t on your side to begin with. If she’s doing these things, call off the wedding. First, expect her to be totally stressed. But if she turns into an absolute nightmare, punch out. Years from now when she’s totally flipping out on you and you have nowhere to run or hide, you would have wished you listened to this advice. If she’s being absolutely ridiculous understand that this isn’t the last time you’ll see this behavior and consider carefully.

Watch out if she tells you to cancel the bachelor party. This is truly the one ritual that exists separate, that is only for the man. It’s a rite of passage in our culture moving from singledom to a married man all in the company of your best buds. Whether it’s paintball, camping or Vegas it’s the one thing that defines maleness in your run up to the wedding. She may say she doesn’t want you going to a gentleman’s club or that she doesn’t trust what your friends might do. But what you should be hearing is manipulative and controlling. Are there other hints at this behavior? Does she tell you what to wear? Has she already selected the names of your children? Does she tell you what to eat and what not to? It may seem cute in the beginning but this emasculating behavior will either make her your superior or force you out of the relationship.

Though you are getting married, it doesn’t mean you have to rush into parenthood. Is your girl living too much in the future? If she’s talking about the home décor of a house you don’t own, what colleges your kids will go to when you don’t have any yet, and where you will retire she is probably trying to catch up with her friends and lose your relationship in the process. Talk to her. Get her to slow down and enjoy the now. But if she refuses, you’ll have to keep up with her friends forever. Better to hit the eject button. For more advice read, The Marriage Compatibility Test: 101 Questions to Ask before You Marry by Richard Chesser.

Good Relationship Practices your Friends are doing that You Aren’t

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Good Relationship Practices your Friends are doing that You Aren’t

Do you have wacky friends who are in happy, healthy relationships while you, the clear headed, sophisticated one are still single? What’s the deal with that? Even though you may have advantages over your wacky friends in some areas, your friends may be taking part in good relationship practices that you aren’t doing. Here are some ideas for what they may be doing that you’ve overlooked. See if these can’t help launch your love life, or bring it to the next level. Have you ever gone on a great date where you laughed, had fun, but then afterward forgot about it? You had your mind on another guy, an ex-boyfriend you want to get back together with, or someone who’s playing games. But in the interim you have missed an opportunity to get to know a great guy, someone who was interested in you for who you are. So try and forget the guy who plays games, or who you can’t have. The fact that you can’t have him makes you want him more, realize that.

Instead, embrace opportunities with great guys who are available to you. How much of a chance do you give each guy? Some friends insist you give a guy three dates before you decide whether you like him, or want to pursue a relationship. There is a lot of pressure to perform and show your best self on a date. Are you really getting to know this person? Also, it’s hard to really make up your mind about someone. If you take it slow and get to know them better, you will know if there are relationship possibilities. It will become more apparent to you.

Some of your friends know to hold off on talking about future plans with someone new they are dating. The reason is that some guys scare easily. They want to let things progress naturally. But after one or two months if she makes it seem that she has expectations he may close up, act more cautiously around her, or even pull away. Instead, let it be his idea for the first getaway, couple’s vacation or road trip. Some women go head over heels for a guy and right away want to spend every waking moment with him, or talking with him on the phone. But one of your friends is smart about this. She wants to make the relationship last. So she doesn’t mind if they don’t talk or see each other for a day or two. In fact, absence makes the heart grow fonder. In the frenzy to be together all the time the relationship may fizzle as you will run out of stuff to talk about. But a little break can renew things and give your conversation level a little boost. It also shows that neither party is needy and in fact have their own lives to attend to, very healthy for any relationship.

Your friends know not to cross a guy off their list if you two have a little boredom at times. All couples hit a lag in conversation, spend a night at home watching the tube, or spend an hour trying to figure out which restaurant they want to go to. Instead, hang on. This is normal. In fact, the sign of a great relationship is when silence can occur comfortably. But your relationship savvy friends already know that. For more advice read, What Men Want: The Essential Guide on How to Attract Men… and Keep Them! By James Taylor.

Signs you have a Needy Man

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Signs you have a Needy Man

There are times we all feel a bit needy or insecure.  But if the guy you are dating is always that way, it can be a real drag. You become his mother rather than a partner. Instead, learn the warning signs so that you can steer clear of a needy man. First, how often do you two stay in touch? It’s normal to text throughout the day, text or call in the morning or in the evening before bed. But if he’s texting you every other hour for prolonged periods, and calling you all the time he may be needy. Any guy who is calling or texting in the middle of the night is definitely needy. And what are these conversations about? Are they mostly about him and his problems? Or is it just an intense love where you can’t stand to be apart? If you are always talking about his problems, trying to help him, or pumping him up because he has low self-esteem issues, you might have a needy man on your hands. Has it been a short time and he is already talking about the future, moving in together, marriage or even kids? Any guy who is hastening the relationship along instead of letting it take its natural course is needy.

How often is he sweet talking you? Of course it’s only natural for a guy to sweet talk in the beginning. And a man should complement his woman at least every now and then. It validates her and makes her feel desired. But if your guy is showering you in complements all day every day, he’s the needy kind. Either that or he feels guilty of cheating. Either way it spells doom for your relationship. What about when you want to spend time with your friends? How does he act? If he gets jealous of them he is definitely needy. Does he ever give you ultimatums; either hangout with him or another person, or people? He’s definitely needy. No one should give you an ultimatum. If he was really interested in you then he would go with you to hang out with your friends together instead of making it either him or them.

Does your man stalk your social networks? If you can’t make a comment, like something or post something without him being all over it, your guy is needy. Does your guy have his own friends? Sometimes a sweet guy will cancel plans with his bros just to hang with you. But if he does it all the time or even if he’s shed all his friends to make his whole life about you, you have a needy man. Make sure when you choose someone, they have the same intensity of commitment as you. If you are just dating around, you certainly don’t want anyone needy. If you are looking for a long term relationship, choose someone who is on the same commitment level as you. Find a real partner and things will develop and deepen. For more dating advice read, Safe People: How to Find Relationships that are Good for You and Avoid those that Aren’t by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

Is it Ever a good Idea to Date your Roommate?

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Is it Ever a good Idea to Date your Roommate?

There are lots of living arrangements nowadays. Sometimes two platonic friends of the opposite sex end up cohabitating. At other times, such as when we’re in our late teens or early to mid-twenties, we share a place with perhaps several roommates. In certain places like New York City this is common. But if you and your roommate start making lovey eyes at each other from across the sofa, what do you do? Of course you have reservations, wondering how it’s going to affect the relationship and the dynamic in the household. So is it ever a good idea to date your roommate? Probably not.

The truth is that everything is situational. It’s all relative to the two people involved, or perhaps more if you have other roommates, how strong the pull is, and if you two have a real chance together. That said, the fact that you are roommates provides a more uphill battle. What happens if and when you break up? Someone is inevitably moving out. That could leave them stuck in a bad position. Sure you can daydream about a nice, smooth, static-free break up. But rarely do they happen. And can you imagine sharing a bathroom everyday with your ex?

Lots of people point out that there is this better understanding of a person when you observe their habits, how they operate and so on, and so you can see how they will be in a relationship. You may have even observed them with someone else and have a good idea how they act. You will also know their other habits, personal, bathroom and other, shortcomings and advantages. But there is a proper unfolding process to life. Generally, we are bonded together emotionally and neuro-chemically before we start to learn our significant other’s foibles. How does it affect the relationship when it occurs in the opposite order? When you date your roommate, the relationship seems weirdly accelerated. You’ll have to discuss boundaries. What’s to stop you from sliding right from the dating to the cohabitating phase? And what are you missing out on by skipping the steps in between? You could easily get on each other’s nerves all the time.

The thing about this relationship, too, is that you don’t get to choose how fast it becomes deep and intimate, because you are already there, living side by side. If you wanted to date someone else, how would you go about it? And wouldn’t it immediately feel like cheating, make you feel guilty even though you two haven’t discussed commitment yet? Dating your roommate is only a good idea if you think this person could be the one. See if you still feel the same, if the feeling has staying power, or if it’s just hormones and take it from there. For more perspective on the matter read, What Would Judy Say? A Grown-Up Guide to Living Together with Benefits by Judge Judy Sheindlin.