Stop Waiting around Wondering if he will Marry You
There are lots of women who want to get married but stay in relationships where it isn’t abundantly clear where things are headed. So they avoid the subject at all costs. They wonder whether or not he wants the relationship to progress. Lots of young women think that when the moment is right, true love barges in, sweeps you up and carries you off. Many women pine for that day, wishing and waiting, but never think that in real life, it doesn’t always work like that. An awkward conversation with your partner as to whether or not he wants the same kind of relationship is usually how it goes. Those who want marriage the most are often the most reluctant to address the issue, for fear of rejection. It may even cause the relationship to implode. But if one person wants one thing, and another person wants something else, the relationship cannot last. Hanging on to a relationship that is doomed isn’t doing anyone any favors. Here are some other considerations for those who find themselves in this position.
You may be so invested that leaving is not a palatable option. Lots of women become preoccupied with how much work they’ve already put into the relationship, and where they are in terms of their child bearing years, but if you aren’t carefully considering whether or not this person has long-term potential, or even wants what you want, you are missing the point entirely. Some people fall into a groove. They get comfortable. It is usually a slow creep. Suddenly the two are cohabitating and in a routine. Though the situation does not fulfill her deeply, the woman usually becomes averse to breaking out of it. If he moves out for instance, she’ll have to find a roommate, and bear the brunt of the cost herself, until she finds one.
These decisions are not made easily. But settling for something you don’t want will leave a void. That hollow will grow and ultimately tear the relationship apart. Either that or you will live unfulfilled, numb, a lovelorn sleepwalker. If it does fall to pieces, you’ll wonder why you spent so much time with him to begin with, and all of that time wasted when you should have been looking for someone that fulfills you, and wants the same things you do. Realize that people change their minds. But if you can’t talk about the future with someone, or they have promised you some movement in the past and failed to deliver, then this person is not for you. They don’t have the same goals as you. If you want the right future you may have to sacrifice the present to get to it. Though it hurts in the beginning it is satisfying in the end. For more advice read, The List: 7 Ways to Tell If He’s Going to Marry You – In 30 Days or Less! By Mary Corbett & Sheila Corbett Kihne.
Fatherhood isn’t easy, especially when you are a single dad. Most guys know all the general dating tips for men. But when you are a single dad you have to keep the kids in mind. Schedules can be crazy, especially if you have joint custody. Many dads also wonder how to balance the interests of their children, and avoid freaking them out while still enjoying a healthy love life. Of course everyone deserves the right to date and find someone and there are ways to do it while still being a spectacular dad. Here are some ways and things to do, and things to keep in mind while dating as a single dad. Remember that you don’t have to rush into the dating scene. Instead, take small steps and get acclimated to it, particularly if you’ve been out of the game awhile and aren’t feeling so confident. Widowers often have the most difficult time knowing when the right time to get back out there is. In this situation but also after a divorce everyone seems to have advice for when the particular right time to get back out there is. But really it’s all up to you, how you feel and when you feel comfortable making that step. Some divorced dads feel dating guilt because the time with their children is so limited. One good indicator if you are ready to date or not is whether or not you want to badmouth your ex-wife, or talk about your previous relationship all night instead of focusing on yourself and your date.
Have a conversation with your children about it if you are ready to date again. Address any issues. Some children secretly harbor the feeling that perhaps their parents will get back together. Often a dad or mom getting back into the dating scene makes it difficult for them as it deflates their fantasy. Have a long talk about it. Let them know that they are your number one priority and they will always have the biggest piece of your heart. That said, as much as spending time with family and friends is fulfilling, you desire friends you can go out to dinner with, go see a show with or go to the movies with. Of course consider the age of the children and tailor your message so that they understand it completely. Make sure you select the proper person or people to date. Let them know upfront that you are a dad and that your children automatically come first. Ask Mr. Dad columnist Armin Brott says, “You never know when there will be an emergency, when you’ll have to leave a date or cancel—and that might make her jealous.” Oftentimes, single dads want to date someone with kids. But single moms aren’t necessarily looking for a man with children. Though you may think a single mom would be more understanding, supportive and perhaps better with the children, a childless woman may be great with the kids as her attention will be solely focused on them, and you rather than her own.
You don’t have to tell your children every detail about the person you are dating. Don’t tell them too much. Ask the children if they’d like to meet them. If they say no, respect their decision but let them know that if you two are getting serious it would probably be a good idea. They should be open to that. Don’t introduce the children to a series of people you are dating or one right after another. It will make them jaded about dating in their own life and may hurt their future relationships. Don’t leave the kids with a sitter or drop them off at your parents to go on a date. It sends the message that the date is more important than the children. You don’t want the kids feeling that way. Be careful what you share with your children. Don’t tell them the details of your dating life even if they are teens. Wait until you are serious about someone special before introducing them. Don’t have a sleep over with the children around unless you and your date are serious. Take a look and see if your ex-spouse is dating. If she isn’t watch out as former spouses try and discredit new lovers in front of the children. This puts the kids in an awful position. They have their loyalties split between mom and dad. Further, they may not want to bond with your new girlfriend or fiancée for fear that they are betraying their mother. Talk to your former spouse about it if this happens. When it’s time to meet someone you are serious about make it a relaxed meeting in a quiet and comfortable place. Never assume your kids don’t get it. Even young children get when dad is dating again. Be honest with them and they’ll be understanding, and will in the end want you to be happy. For more, read Dating for Dads by Ellie Slott Fisher.
Sometimes we fall for someone so hard our head spins. It can be both scary and exciting. But should you move ahead at lightning pace, or slow things down for fear that it will end and you’ll be devastated? Can a whirlwind romance last? You don’t want to be too cautious and ruin a beautiful thing. But you don’t want to go full speed ahead and crash and burn either. First, evaluate your relationship. Are you in love with this person or just the feeling it gives you? There is a way to tell. Do you love everything your date suggests? If they try to take you to a restaurant that serves a type of food you don’t like, do you still go without saying anything? Or do you speak up or suggest something different? If you stick with their choice, you may not feel 100% comfortable with this person, and that speaks to the relationship as well. However, if you are comfortable in voicing your opinion, relax; things are going great. If you are overjoyed but are nervous because things are moving too fast, there are ways to slow the relationship down or pace it out without scaring your lover away. Tell them you’d love to meet but you have a project coming up, or a friend is going through some stuff and you want to help them out.
Don’t use worn, tired lines like you need some space if you want to slow things down a little. They’ll think you just aren’t into them. Instead, let them know that you love this relationship and don’t want to ruin it by moving too fast. Just because you’re in love, and the object of your affection is ga-ga over you too, doesn’t mean you have to call or text sixteen times per day. You don’t have to let them know each time you feel that burst of love and excitement flowing through your body. Think of quality over quantity. Don’t text, email or call them more than once or twice during the day. Otherwise, you risk wearing things out. Pace yourself. Don’t talk too much about the future. If you want to go into all the details of the wedding, how many children you will have and so on, take a break from it. You are more in love with the relationship itself and not focusing on the person before you. Instead, go on activity based dates so that you can focus on that, or getting to know each other better, than on where everything is leading. You don’t want to rush down the aisle only for this thing to fizzle out. If you are feeling those three little words, perhaps hold back until the time is right, and make sure your dates going to say it back. You don’t want an early “I love you” to put the brakes on a beautiful whirlwind romance. For more relationship advice, read How to be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving by David Richo.
Some people don’t know how to mind their own business. And it can be pretty embarrassing when they question your single status in front of everyone. The nerve of some people. But because they’re related to you they feel like they have the right to be a callous, ignorant, pushy pain. How are you legitimately supposed to answer that question? What are they expecting? What does it even mean? Instead, here is some ammo for answering, “Why aren’t you married yet?” First, let them know that people are living longer now, so why rush it? There’s no hurry. And with the divorce rate the way it is, wouldn’t they want you to be sure? Point out to them that just because people are married does not make them happier. Elucidate all of the things in your single life that make you happy such as your education, career, hobbies and interests and so on. Remind them that there were plenty of dictators and tyrants throughout history that were married. So being hitched does not automatically make you a better person. In fact, lots of plotting wives helped audacious husbands succeed and become tyrants throughout history. If you are a comic book fan let them know that virtually all the superheroes are single. And why is that?
Let them know that you don’t want to limit yourself to merely one disappointing relationship. Now there are all kinds of ways for you to be disappointed. And isn’t variety the spice of life? If you want to make a more serious effort, let them know that you just haven’t found the right person yet. Tell them you want to be knocked off your feet by the gusty gales of love, not settle for some little gust of happiness that blows through and is ordinary and so quickly over. The divorce rate is about half. So you want to make sure you do it once and do it right. If you are a free spirit and never planning on getting married, remind them that you do not live a conventional life. Why limit yourself to one experience while there is a multitude of experiences to be had, in love just as in any other category? If you are female let them know that the U.S. Census Bureau states that single women are happier than men, so you are in the right statistic. Also point out that married men are the happiest, so you are looking for the right guy to make happy. Lastly, question the reasoning behind this person’s question. Are they trying to pressure you? Are they just trying to tease you or be funny? Or do they want to make you feel uncomfortable? Perhaps a shallow barb will put them back in their place if they are being malevolent. But a small joke will put them back on track should they be teasing. For more advice on how to respond to annoying questions, read The Snark Handbook: A Reference Guide to Verbal Sparring by Lawrence Dorfman.
Men are just as overwhelmed, grief stricken and hurt by a divorce as women are. Especially in today’s world where many guys are hit with “sudden divorce syndrome” where their wife serves them with divorce papers when they didn’t even know a problem was occurring. Men in this situation should open up. Oftentimes in our society men don’t feel comfortable sharing their emotions because they’ve been taught to suppress them. However, this bottling up is not good for your health, leading to more stress, anxiety, depression and more. So it’s important to let those negative emotions out in a positive way. Make it a way you feel comfortable with but don’t bottle it all up inside or it’s liable to explode at some point, causing you social embarrassment or worse. Here are some other blunders men often make after divorce. Dating too soon is one major mistake a lot of divorced guys make according to psychologist Sam J. Buser, PhD. Lots of guys haven’t healed from their divorce wounds and find themselves already attached or even married. The trouble is these relationships generally don’t last. “I advise my patients to wait at least two years. I’ve never had a man take me up on that advice, but I do try to slow them down.” Buser said you should date casually. “Tell the woman you’ve just been through a tough divorce and that you’re not ready for a committed relationship,” he says. If she’s the right woman she’ll understand and she’ll wait.
Some guys go the other way and totally isolate themselves. This is especially true if he has children and they are with his ex most of the time. Guilt, loneliness, misplaced anger, and more take their toll. Divorced men are 50% more likely to commit suicide and have higher rates of alcoholism. According to Buser, “You don’t have to drink every day to have a problem. Drinking a six pack is a binge.” So what can you do? Reach out to family members and old friends. Meet new friends and make more business contacts. Join a club, professional association or even a local sports team. Going back to school is also a good option. If you have a new partner, wait until the right time to introduce them to your children. Lots of fathers end up making this introduction too soon. Emeritus professor of psychology at Florida International University in Miami, Gordon E. Finley, PhD, a specialist on divorced men says, “The last thing the kids want to see is parents getting involved with someone else.” The children generally harbor a secret longing for their parents to reunite. Buser agrees with Finley adding, “Focus on the other adult when starting a relationship. She can meet the kids when you know you are serious.” If you have to co-parent don’t become hostile to the mother of your children, nor should you let her hostility get in the way. Use diplomacy and focus on the children’s welfare. Don’t back off either. Make sure you are involved for their sake. For more, read The Guys-Only Guide to Getting Over Divorce by Sam J. Buser, PhD.