Are Men Raised by Single Moms Better Husbands?

Are Men Raised by Single Moms Better Husbands?

There is no clear cut answer when it comes to men. But there is some agreement among psychologists that there might be advantages to marrying a man raised by a single mother.

He may be more helpful, independent, and sensitive to the needs of women, for instance. The so-called mama’s boy gets a bad rap in our culture. But LeBron James, Barack Obama, and others were raised by single mothers, yet show independence, leadership, and a can-do attitude. These aren’t the coddled whiners we often see in the movies or on TV. But they may be different than those raised by two parents. These men may have some further insight into interpreting emotions, effective communication, know what it means to chip in, and express their emotions in a mature manner. These are all good qualities when it comes to husband material.

A University of Reading study conducted in 2009 found that those boys who had a close connection with their moms had less worrisome childhood incidents and were likely to become hostile or aggressive later in life. Another study published in 2011 in the journal Child Development, found that a good mother-son bond predicted better romantic relationships later on. Of course, just because a man was raised by a single mother does not mean he has a healthy relationship with her. But the tendency is that they would be closer due to depending on one another for all those years.

Men raised by single women tend to have an enlightened view on gender issues and so are less likely to be chauvinistic. By having to work together with their moms growing up they have developed the skills a romantic relationship requires such as give-and-take, negotiation, and compromise. Some say these men are cleaner and are more inclined to pitch in around the house. That isn’t always the case. But they are more likely used to helping out with household chores, cooking, doing their own laundry, and so on.  One of the most crucial elements of a successful, long-term relationship is good communication. Guys raised by single mothers are more apt toward superb communication skills. While boys, they will have to get to know and understand their mothers emotions, which hopefully will transfer to understanding their wife better later on. Guys who have had the luxury of both parents have more of a safety net. But those raised by a single mother have to chip in more, come to terms with things, and so are more prone to getting active when there is a problem afoot, rather than sitting back and complaining about it.

Men raised by single mothers generally come from a background that isn’t necessarily indulgent. Chances are they had to fix a few things around the house, and so aren’t afraid to get their hands dirty. They may also be more responsible. These men are used to pulling their own weight and picking up the slack. They may be better with children because a lot of them helped with their siblings. These guys make their lunch the night before work, set multiple alarms in the morning, and get a few tasks done before breakfast. They are generally reliable because they had to be to make it this far. One disadvantage to a momma’s boy is that the mother will be very invested in the marriage. The mother could feel threatened by her daughter-in-law, which could affect the son. Still, despite this one pitfall, there are a lot of positive qualities surrounding a man who was raised by a single mother.

For those still searching for such a man read, The Surrendered Single: A Practical Guide to Attracting and Marrying the Man Who’s Right for You by Laura Doyle

When Feelings of Inadequacy Get in the Way

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When Feelings of Inadequacy Get in the Way

Some people when dating feel like they aren’t good enough for the person. They start to think about how the other person would be better off with someone better than themselves. Then, they push this person away, someone who could have made them happy, who they could have made happy, just because they felt a low self-worth. Of course if this is true then they may be doing the person being pushed away a favor. Say the person doing the pushing has a drug habit and doesn’t want to expose his or her beloved to the destructive behavior it inevitably causes. Are they not then protecting the object of their affection? And so this behavior is correct. But other people who do not have serious character flaws, who in fact could be nice and worthy of the other person’s love, what about when they take part in this behavior? If they are pushing someone away we think that there must be something wrong. So what do you do when feelings of inadequacy start getting in the way of love and true happiness? Is it justifiable to push that person away for what is perceived as their own good, or should you let the relationship continue and allow the person to decide for themselves when and if they want to continue pursuing it?

The problem you don’t see by pushing lovers away is that you are disrespecting them by not allowing them to make their own choices. You’ve conceivably robbed them of their freedom of choice. In the worst case, it can be seen as you treating them like a child, doing what’s good for them and making the adult decision. Though it’s done with positive reasons at heart, it’s a kind of manipulation. If you really respect the person you should give them the freedom to choose. Instead, why not tell them how you are feeling? They may find it modest and endearing. If your feelings of inadequacy are strong enough, you won’t be able to let your full weight down or really enjoy the relationship. So the root cause of the issue must be dealt with. In the meantime, take solace in the love and admiration you are receiving. It can renew you. Do not rely on it to give you your self-esteem however. That’s way too much pressure to put on a person. You may become clingy which could damage the relationship as well. Start doing some research. Look into your past and how you grew up. Look at your other relationships. Recognize patterns and get to the bottom of things. You’ve got someone special counting on you. For more advice read, Ten Days to Self-Esteem by David D. Burns, M.D.

ADHD Can Harm a Marriage

Young couple not communicating after an argument

ADHD Can Harm a Marriage

If your spouse is frightfully disorganized and extremely forgetful, they may have adult ADHD. About 4% of the U.S. population has this condition. Constantly being distracted, forgetfulness, seemingly ignoring one’s spouse, having an inability to carry through on promises are some of the more serious symptoms. ADHD can harm a marriage if left unmitigated. Before approaching your spouse with the prospect of seeing a mental health professional, and risking a fight, it may be wise to evaluate their behavior and see whether or not they exhibit the most common signs. First, there is chronic distraction. Marriage consultant Melissa Orlov, an expert on how ADHD affects couples, told the L.A. Times, “If you are trying to get your partner’s attention and they seem unable to give it to you, that’s a big indicator.” Does your spouse lack a certain self-regulation when it comes to their emotions? Gina Pera, author of, Is It You, Me, Or Adult A.D.D.? said, “They might get really excited about something and their partner will say, ‘Wait, let’s look into the details. Is this really a good idea?’”

Household and other tasks can end in broken promises and hurt feelings. Orlov said, “You’ll say, ‘Honey, will you do X?’ and he’ll say, ‘Sure, no problem,’ and then X does not get done.” People with adult ADHD are a whirlwind. Nothing seems organized. Sufferers get easily overwhelmed, have trouble prioritizing tasks and often miss deadlines. This happens in the work sphere and throughout home life as well. It becomes an entirely different relationship than you first imagined. Pera explains, “The partner says, ‘You are lazy and selfish.’ The adult with ADHD says, ‘You’re controlling.’ Both become resentful.” Luckily, there are moves you can make to help preserve the relationship and mitigate the effects of ADHD. Realize that it is a condition, no one’s fault. Pera says you should, “Acknowledge both of you were working in the dark and both of you were being undermined by this force.” The next step is to look for resources and support in your area. A therapist who specifically understands and has experience with adult ADHD is critical in managing the disorder’s influence on your marriage. There are medications available that work wonders for some. Many become far less forgetful, can arrive places on time, keep promises and more.

One resource is Children and Adults with ADHD, or CHADD, a national advocacy group that should have a chapter in your area. Why not visit their website and see what psychiatrists they recommend in your area, what advice they have and so on? Read up on adult ADHD and get to know a lot about it. Write down specific instances where your spouse has exhibited these behaviors and cross reference them to what symptoms these sources say they are exhibiting. If you have facts on your side, and use loving kindness to break the news to them in a supportive way, they will be more open to seek treatment and the marriage will markedly improve. There are also easy things you can do that will work wonders. Simply keeping a schedule and writing things down in some sort of graphic organizer, say a calendar or on a corkboard, can work wonders. Orlov says focusing on yourself and not your partner is also important. “Contribute your own best self to your relationship,” she said. “You can start on that immediately.” Don’t dwell on the past. It will poison the marriage. Though you might have resentments, you still have to move forward. Orlov says, “It’s a lot more relevant than stomping around in the undiagnosed ADHD portion of your relationship.” But even though you want to get somewhere Orlov says, “You don’t have to meet a certain goal, but you have to try your hardest.” For more on this topic pick up a copy of, The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov.

Common Mistakes Fathers make in Divorce

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Common Mistakes Fathers make in Divorce

Lots of men are angry and hurt when faced with divorce papers. Due to these emotions, fathers make common mistakes in the divorce process and end up hurting their wallets, their children, even themselves. With a little forethought and preparation you can avoid these hazards and help make the transition as smooth as possible for you and your children.

Lots of guys for instance use litigation as a force for revenge. They drive up the cost as a tactic to try to make their ex crack. Everyone in the process suffers because of it and you come out looking like the bad guy. Some states even have laws against this. If you purposely make moves in order to drive up the cost you could be hit with a pretty hefty fine. Instead, think of your overall goals. Don’t be led astray by an attorney who would want to take part in such practices. Do your research and pick an attorney that’s right for you. Keep your emotions in check and don’t use the legal process as a vindictive device, or a way to throw a temper tantrum.

Another problem lots of men make is financially stretching themselves too thin. There is alimony, child support, and your own expenses. You could easily work yourself to death and not get anywhere in the process. Make sure you plan out your financial goals and strategy with an attorney, perhaps even an accountant. Having a financial game plan in place will help you manage your life properly. You’ll also want to consult with an attorney concerning your goals in regards to your children. Do you want joint custody, visitation or what? Know what you are aiming for, what is reasonable, what emotional state your ex is in and what she will likely go for. The most important thing of course is the children. But a lot of couples get caught in trying to hurt one another and the kids get caught in the middle.

That said, it’s also important not to give in too much and miss out on having the kids in your life. Children need love, support and attention from both parents regularly. Don’t compromise them out of your life. Do not use the children as leverage in any way. Not only is this despicable it will hurt your relationship with them. Lastly, don’t let child support payments pile up unattended. Or else, with penalties and fees, you’ll soon find yourself in the poor house. For more advice read, Fathers’ Rights: Hard-Hitting and Fair Advice for Every Father Involved in a Custody Dispute by Jeffery M. Leving and Kenneth A. Dachman, Ph.D.

The Five Date Rule

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The Five Date Rule

Some people have the time when sex is to first enter into a relationship inherent in their culture. But for most of us it can be hard to tell when the right time to sleep with someone is. It may feel right but are they right for you? They may have all of the qualities you are looking for but no chemistry. Will it come? Then if you like someone and you want to be with them, what is the right amount of time to wait so that you send the right message, without seeming like a prude? According to Sex and the City’s Charlotte York, three dates was a sufficient amount of time. Dating site singles247.com recently conducted a survey of 2,000 and found that, instead of a three date rule, today most use a five date rule.

According to this research, the modern woman desires four dates to be able to accurately assess the commitment level and seriousness of a date, and to see if he has real boyfriend potential. Over the course of the four dates the woman will subconsciously take stock of her date and how she feels about him. Does he have a good sense of humor? Can she trust him? Do they have chemistry? These are some of the questions she mulls over. Not only are five dates required, approximately five in-depth phone conversations and twelve text messages are also expected. A bouquet of flowers, a romantic gesture or a token gift could also help win her heart.

Four meals, three films and seven deeply passionate make out sessions should inhabit the time previous to an intimate encounter. Other things women take into consideration before sleeping with a man are whether or not he will make her feel good about herself and her body, if he will stick around after they’d been together and if he is a gentleman. If he appears too needy or he wants to get between the sheets too quickly, these are warning signs that may make a woman change her mind. According to this research, 40% of daters believe that they hopped into bed too soon with a potential mate and it ended up ruining the relationship. Of course we have to take this research with a grain of salt. People are all different. Certainly there are those who slept together on the first date and are happily married as there are those who waited a serious amount of time before being intimate together. It’s really about how two people feel about one another, if they are healthy for each other, can make one another feel comfortable, support one another and if there is chemistry. Most women have some sort of rule they generally follow. But sometimes someone comes along and blows that rule out of the water. Be that as it may, not everyone operates the same way so make sure to find a way that is right for you. For more dating advice read the New York Times Bestseller, Mars and Venus on a Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship by John Gray, Ph.D.