Free yourself from Post-Divorce Negativity

Leave-Negativity

Free yourself from Post-Divorce Negativity

Few events in life can fill you with so many negative emotions such as sadness, a sense of loss, despair, depression, anxiety and hatred like a bitter divorce. Even conscious uncoupling can be deeply unsettling. The first thing to realize is that it is all inside your own head. You may feel a torrent of emotions. But you decide exactly what to do with them, how to manage them and ultimately whether you come out a stronger, more developed, self-actualized person at the end who has experienced a kind of personal growth from this experience, or if you miss that chance due to retaining bitterness. If you are hurling all of this hatred and anger at your spouse, you’ll soon realize it’s like swallowing poison to murder someone; it hurts you terribly, but the impact on them is limited. Instead, an outlook of yourself both as patient and doctor is sufficient. You have these emotions and now it’s time to see how to best tend to them so that you get the best outcome. Your spouse as well may be casting vitriol at you every chance they get. You can’t control what happened or how they feel. Nor can you control their behavior. What you can control is your reaction to it, and how much you will let it bother you. There are some simple beliefs you can adopt to help shed your negativity and also protect yourself against your ex’s. Here’s how to free yourself from post-divorce negativity.

Realize that whatever your spouse says about you is their problem, not yours. Be sure to clear your name. And if they are using the children to spy or as a weapon, make sure to nip that situation in the bud. The children should never be put in the middle. They will suffer for it. But other than that, they will say what they will. You choose how you react to it. Their speech is all about them, not about you. What’s more, other people will be watching how you react. Will you be classy all the way, or sink to their level? In the end others judge them for their behavior, and they’ll sink themselves. Instead of seeing divorce as an end, which it invariably is, see it as a new beginning. You have freedom to be who you want to be, and discover a whole new you. Your life won’t be perfect after divorce, but it is still pretty good and it can be even be better. Make a dream board. Write in a diary. Make a bucket list. Go back to school. Get some more training or try and climb the ladder at work. Invest in a hobby. Take a trip with a friend. There are so many things you can do and so many directions you can take your life in now that your ex isn’t weighing you down. There will be good days and bad. If you need to cry it out, do it. It’s a healing process and think of it as such. But don’t wallow in grief. Know when it’s time to pick yourself up and get going again.

Realize that every experience you have in life is another lesson that makes you wiser and therefore a better person in the end. It may not feel like it now but this could be a completely transformative experience for you. Not everything in life is meant to endure. Change can be very scary and it can be hard to say goodbye. Just keep things moving. Make the necessary steps, no matter how small or staggering. Sooner or later you will make it to where you are supposed to be. Sometimes it feels satisfying to take part in divorce drama with your ex. But sooner or later you will understand that it weighs you down far more than it lifts you up. After a divorce you may feel like damaged goods. But the truth is people are judging you far less than you think. Understand that your life and your happiness is ultimately based on your own thinking and no one elses. You can make the world a better place and you can make your life all you want it to be. It’s all up to you. For more, pick up a copy of the book, The Rediscovery of Me: Reinventing Life after Divorce by Dr. Marcia Brevard Wynn and Earl Sewell.

Breakup Habits that Exacerbate the Problem

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Breakup Habits that Exacerbate the Problem

A breakup can tear you up inside, especially if you didn’t see it coming. What’s the best way to breakup? A clean break. But that’s hard to do for a lot of people. The Huffington Post recently conducted the “Breakup with Your ex Survey” and found that 86% of respondents believed a clean break was best, while 64% were still pining for their ex.  If you are in this situation, you may feel all alone, but in fact you are in good company. Still, there are normal go-to habits most people take part in that exacerbates the problem rather than alleviating or lessening it. Don’t fall victim to your own misguided good intentions. Avoid these common pitfalls and you should be on your way to healing that broken heart.

First, don’t leap into bed with someone else the moment you get the chance. Of course you should definitely move on when you’re ready. Finding that you are still loveable and attractive to the opposite sex will renew you. But when the wound is fresh this new relationship is just bound to make you more confused and upset. Instead, take some time to be sad and to mourn.

Next, get rid of your ex on your social media sites. Quit stalking their Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and the like. Unfriend them as quickly as possible. Some people believe that doing so is sending a message to their ex. But so what? It’s better than watching their every move on social media, and getting yourself more angry and upset than you already are. How can you move on if you keep looking them up? If you two are going to be friends in the future you can refriend them at that time. Don’t confront your ex to get closure. It won’t help any. It will just make you look bad in your ex’s eyes, and others who know about it. Any interaction to provide closure will just result in where you are now, with a broken heart.

Don’t take it as a bruise to your ego. There are reasons why this relationship isn’t healthy, satisfying or compatible. That means you two are just not compatible. It’s no one’s fault, though it’s important to see what you might have done that you may bring to the next relationship. Focus on your feelings, yourself, how incredible you are and ways to soothe your heartache. Don’t brush over your feelings, embrace them. But don’t wallow in self-pity forever. Recognize when it’s time to get back out there. The next great love of your life will bump into you when you least expect it. For more advice read, Breakup Rehab: Start Over Stronger by Rebekah McClaskey, M.A.

Your Feelings don’t have to be Logical after a Breakup

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Your Feelings don’t have to be Logical after a Breakup

When you first break up, though emotions may run deep, you have a good understanding on why the relationship didn’t work out. But as time moves on you may have nostalgic memories bubbling up to the surface. Sadness, a desire to be with that person, and regret could inhabit your thinking. Though it was clear in the beginning why it ended now the reason could be far murkier. These new feelings don’t match the understanding you have, or had when the breakup first occurred. You aren’t supposed to feel this way. But you miss your ex and even long to be with them. This doesn’t make logical sense, especially if the person treated you poorly or the relationship was so uncomfortable you couldn’t wait to get out of it. But so what? Your feelings don’t have to be logical after a breakup. It’s one thing to have illogical feelings but it’s quite another to put those feelings into action. The disconnect however can be confusing, being pulled between your logical understanding and missing your ex. This disconnect causes shame. If you tell a confidant or a group of them how you are feeling, often they will be shocked, wondering how could you feel this way after the way that person treated you. And this reaction may compound the guilt you are already feeling for missing this person, instead of relieving your pain.

Do not run back to this person. Give yourself space. You need time in order to think things through, let these emotions pass and see things in a more balanced way. Don’t go running back to your ex. Though the relationship surely had moments that were pretty great, if you get back with them the same old problems will creep up again. You’ll hurt your reputation and you’ll have to disentangle yourself from this person once again. Instead recognize your feelings. Don’t judge them or feel guilty, just come to understand and accept how you are feeling and why you are feeling this way. If you left a relationship that was good and you think that you two can work out your issues, and that you both want to, give reconnecting consideration. But if you know logically that this relationship wasn’t good for you or your ex by and large, and there is no way to make it work, then allow yourself the freedom to feel the way you do. Understand that emotions aren’t always logical. Be okay with how you feel and understand it. But when the time comes let logic be your guide.  For more on healing from a breakup, pick up a copy of Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You by Susan J. Elliott JD Med.

Two Thirds said they’d have an Affair with their Boss

Workplace-Attraction

Two Thirds said they’d have an Affair with their Boss

Having an affair with their boss to get ahead sounded like a good idea for two thirds of respondents in a recent survey. According to this recent poll taken by the upscale cheating website Victoria Milan, out of 3,000 respondents of both sexes, 67% said that they would cheat with their boss “for a salary raise or a promotion” 42% admitted to having cheated with a boss or coworker already. 81% “fooled around” with at least one person at work.  Victoria Milan CEO SIgurd Vedal spoke on these results saying, “Sharing most of our hours working with colleagues leads us to establish further relationships that can deepen into more serious feelings or even unresolved sexual tensions. Many cheaters apparently decide to make a move and resolve that tension — not to mention improving their situation by getting a raise or a promotion!” Even though these numbers are high, 82% understood that they were awfully risky having an affair at work as it could be more damaging to their lives than an ordinary affair. That’s because both work and home life were now at stake rather than an affair where only the romantic life can be jeopardized.

Of course there are all types of reason why people have affairs. Surely spending more time and having a deeper emotional attachment is true. But to use sex to get ahead at work is not only dangerous, it can be costly to your career. When the relationship sours the boss may want to get rid of you as to get rid of any evidence of the relationship. Or perhaps if things don’t go as planned and you two aren’t seeing eye to eye that could spill over into the work world, threatening your career. When those lines are crossed so much more could go wrong than when the romantic world and the work world are compartmentalized. If you have these feelings search them out. Why are you feeling this way? Is it because something in your romantic relationship is lacking? Or is it just hormones and being around this person all of the time? Do you really want to sleep with your boss because you like them, because you want to get ahead? Or is it because the mere position of power turns you on? Why not find someone in a position of power that isn’t in your building or at your job? It may be just as fun but won’t have the sticky consequences. If it’s just hormones and you don’t want to jeopardize your relationship, why not save that sexual energy until you get home? If there is something wrong with your relationship, use this as a wake-up call to try and fix it. Or else just leave it be and mosey on out the door. But these feelings can be the impetus you need to do what needs to be done. To learn more about infidelity and how to move on after an affair read, Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers.

The Importance of Breaking up Right

BREAKING-UP

The Importance of Breaking up Right

Are you bad at breakups? If you conduct them over the phone, text or email, or just distance yourself from someone until they get the message, you aren’t showing the proper respect. And it will come back to bite you. Don’t curse your fate, thank Karma. It’s important to break up right. For one, you may block yourself out of a future opportunity you didn’t even see coming. Ever date someone and distance yourself from them only to run into them sometime later and wish you had done things differently? Perhaps you weren’t ready for them at the time, emotionally. But when you bump into them again, even if you two were great together, there’s virtually no chance at rekindling the romance. Even if you aren’t romantically inclined, you could also be losing a lot of friends. And a friend of the opposite sex is always a good one to have, especially an ex, particularly if you are trying to evaluate your own or someone else’s behavior in a relationship. In fact, you can learn a lot about yourself from investigating your romantic past and seeing what patterns pop up and why they do so. But you can’t do that if you don’t break up right.

Breaking up wrong can hurt future relationships, too. If you live in a small town, run around in the same social circles, or are in a network where everyone talks, sooner or later you will get a bad reputation. If you don’t break up with someone well others hear about it and it can ruin your chances at better job and romantic prospects since you don’t seem reliable. When you sit down and explain yourself to someone, even if it’s uncomfortable for you, it gives them closure. And the results are often nowhere near as bad as we picture it in our heads. Sometimes when you explain to a soon-to-be ex that you two are better off as friends, it turns into exactly that. And who couldn’t use more friends? If you do run into an old flame, apologize. Tell them that you’ve grown up. If there is someone whom you had your eye on before, show them you’ve changed. Get them to give you a chance. Learning to break up with someone in the right way is part of becoming a mature adult. And those communication skills will not only serve to make your love life better and your social life more vibrant, those communication skills, and the grit necessary to deliver a message you know the other party doesn’t want to hear, are the very things that will sustain you in a long term, mature relationship when you are ready for it. For more advice on this topic, read How to End a Relationship: How to Break Up without Regret, Stay Positive and Feel Liberated! by Cyrus Thomson.