Can you Repair a Relationship where the Trust is Gone?

repair trust

Can you Repair a Relationship where the Trust is Gone?

There are a lot of different reasons someone can blow the trust in a relationship. It could be infidelity, emotional cheating, cleaning out the bank account and blowing it in Vegas, a shopping spree and hiding the credit card bills, or instead a string of little things so long it makes one wonder if they ever told the truth at all. Whatever the reason, trust is the glue that keeps a relationship together. Without trust there is no intimacy and without intimacy, no relationship. You can’t be intimate with someone you have to constantly be on guard around. So can you repair a relationship where the trust is gone? Certainly no one is perfect. Depending upon what you believe and what they have done, there are ways to build bridges back to trust. It isn’t easy. It takes a lot of patience, forgiveness, owning up to what both parties have done and superb communication. It’s important to look at what led up to the violation. Oftentimes there are certain goings-on in a relationship, underlying problems that must be addressed so such a slipup don’t happen again.

Those who are the victims shouldn’t rub their partner’s face in transgressions. Nor should they ignore what contribution they themselves may have made to the situation. Only when each person is open and honest with each other can they make plans of action or rules of engagement that work for them, can they overcome these obstacles and rebuild trust. If both parties are still very much in love, engaged and committed to renewing the relationship then it has the highest likelihood of happening. But half measures will cause few returns. The person who has perpetuated the betrayal has to be sorry. But they should also be open and forthcoming in all aspects and ready and willing to change. The more open they are the faster the healing process will be. A betrayal can be implicit or explicit, meaning it may be something that was a spoken rule or just an obvious one. But it can’t be obvious to one person and not the other. When a transgression has occurred and the person lies or covers up their betrayal, these actions only make things worse. They also contribute to a longer and more difficult road ahead.

Of course every relationship and situation is different. That said there are a few things anyone going on this harrowing journey should keep in mind. If you are the betrayer, fess up before they find out. The longer you wait the more damage you will cause and the more time it will take for the relationship to recover. Plus, unburdening yourself from the guilt will also be a great relief. Decide then and there to have absolutely no dishonesty in your relationship ever again. If you can’t be honest with your partner, why are you with them? At the time of confession and even after, allow your partner to ask questions. Be honest in answering. You want to communicate and restore goodwill. If you are the victim, you shouldn’t keep asking questions just to shock or hurt yourself. At a certain point, you have decided to stay in the relationship or go. If you are staying, it’s important to find the path toward healing, not dwell on the past. Patience is the best characteristic in this situation. Practice it unendingly. Keep in touch with yourself and your feelings. You don’t have to see eye to eye on everything to be fully present and listen to your partner as you work through things. Stay focused and if you are both meant to be together, you can get past this terrible time and find each other once again. For advice on keeping your marriage on the right track before transgressions start read, Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth from Real Couples about Lasting Love by Linda Bloom and Charlie Bloom.

5 Steps to Stopping Divorce

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Oftentimes spouses ignore the problems in their marriage. Though one partner may complain it often doesn’t sound like what they are complaining about is really divorce worthy. But when one person finally confronts the other saying they want a divorce, they are moving out, or the spouse gets divorce papers, it suddenly feels as though the world is being torn apart. The problems were there all along but they just got used to ignoring it. Meanwhile, these issues were built up in the other spouse until they could take it no longer. Lots of times the spouse who is shocked will think that they had no idea the other was even unhappy. Sure spouses complain, but isn’t that normal? On the other side, the one who is asking for divorce usually feels like they’ve tried to tell the other spouse every which way how unhappy they were, but the other failed to do anything about it or even take notice. Whether each person’s perception is true or not is actually irrelevant at this time. What is relevant is the fact that there is a marital crisis now on your hands. What will it be, divorce or reconciliation? Certainly there are those marriages that are too far gone to be reconciled either from emotional or physical abuse, multiple infidelities or perhaps the emotional bond that once existed simply cannot be repaired. But there are lots of divorces that take place which could have been avoided. There are marriages that can and often are turned around. So if you are in the same kind or a similar situation, take heed. Here are 5 steps to stopping your divorce from taking place.

First, don’t mope, get moving. Make an action plan to address all the issues your spouse has with the marriage and how you are going to overcome those obstacles. Second, don’t play the victim. A lot of people tend to want to mope around and say, “Why me?”. Think about all the good qualities that you bring to your marriage and find out how to remind them of that. Are you going to tell them or show them? Will some grand gesture help to assuage their pain and neglect, show them that you have been listening and that you care? Let your actions speak for you. Show them your love, affection and gratitude. Show them how much they mean to you and how willing you are to work things out and make things better. The fourth step is getting out a pen and paper and write down all the negative things your spouse has been saying. What have they been complaining about? Make a list and think about it. Do these same patterns show up in your previous romantic relationships? What about your parents? Do you see any family background in how you act in relationships and how your parents acted toward one another? Our first caregivers are often the model for later relationships. If they had certain issues in their relationship it’s likely you may be exhibiting the same behavior.  Talk it over with them. Don’t have any blaming or shaming involved. Just talk about the issues. See if you can get on the same side and find ways to listen and communicate better, and how best to solve these issues together. If you can alleviate the problems that are driving your spouse away, chances are they’ll be happy and want to remain in the marriage.

Now it’s time to clean out all the old pain, misplaced anger, resentment, guilt and more. Have a heart to heart talk with your spouse. Talk about the emotional issues in your relationship that one or both of you have been carrying toward one another. This is a time for opening up and understanding, not for blame or pointing fingers, nor should anyone get defensive. You want to open up and feel comfortable talking about it with one another. This vulnerability will build up your bond and deepen your relationship, thereby reaffirming your connection. Oftentimes, fights and resentment build up over misunderstandings. See how your spouse interpreted something that you did or vice versa. Lastly, it’s time for the two of you to start developing the skills that every marriage needs in order to make it happy and well-adjusted. Cooperation, open and honest communication, positivity, gratitude, understanding and more. Read self-help books together, go to couple’s counseling or follow different websites offering relationship and marriage advice. For more, be sure to read Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart by William J. Doherty, Ph.D.

Helping your Spouse Repair Their Credit

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A poor credit score can certainly hold you back in life. But of course you love your spouse and you want to help them repair their credit. Hopefully the underlying issue that got them there, whether it was overspending or using the credit cards to get over a bout of unemployment has been ameliorated. It’s true that your spouse’s credit can affect your ability to buy a house together, get a mortgage, or a car or business loan. But that isn’t or shouldn’t be the only reason you want to help them. Make the reason be the deep love and altruism you feel toward them. They’ll recognize that warmth and compassion and be more likely to overcome reticence and work with you to form and stick to a plan that repairs their credit and makes both of your financials much easier to work with. The first thing to do is to create a budget. Managing money wisely is the best way to make sure that the budget is stuck to and that one’s credit score improves and stays in a good place. Learn to live below your means and start saving. Buy a used car over a new car. Cook instead of eating out. Shop at discount stores. Save up for what you want to buy. Make serious, smart purchasing decisions and see your savings and your credit score soar.

Find ways to reduce what you are paying for things. With some of your savings make an emergency fund. This way when something goes wrong you don’t have to fall back on the credit cards. Teach your spouse all about their credit score, how it works and how to achieve and maintain good credit. Come up with an exact plan on how you will pay off your debt and save for your future. Write down the list of debts, the income you both have, any assets that can or should be liquidated and places where expenses can be cut. Sometimes cuts can sound painful and really put a damper on your lifestyle. But in the end feeling free of bad credit and being able to have access to a better quality of life, without the stress of financial troubles makes you freer and much happier. Be understanding. Usually money habits are learned from our parents or primary caregivers. Understand that you need to help them change their behavior and get them to understand it as well. Once they do outline all the plans, make the necessary cuts and move things around so you have a healthy financial plan moving forward. This may take more than one meeting. Lots of follow up will have to take place. If you need help seek out a financial planner or nonprofits in your area which help people get their credit score healthy again. To find out more, pick up a copy of Hidden Credit Repair Secrets by Mark Clayborne.