Ending the Affair

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Ending the Affair

An affair can be so edifying, passionate, and you may find the person you are having it with irresistible. But infidelity can also tear your life apart. If you are thinking of switching up, think carefully. Will you be able to trust them? Will they trust you? The one you are cheating with may not have the best long term relationship qualities to begin with. They cheated with you after all, what makes you think they won’t do it again when things get too tough? It’s best to end the affair. But it must be done in the proper manner. Only if you are determined can you put an end to it.

It may be comforting to have a place to go to when your spouse or live-in partner doesn’t understand you or ignores you. But sooner or later they are bound to find out about the affair and blow everything wide open. If your relationship is too far gone and you’ve tried everything you can to fix it, with little success, perhaps it’s time to end that too. Usually, an affair is caused for some reason. The cheater isn’t getting their needs met in the primary relationship. Determine what needs aren’t being met. Is it intimacy, appreciation, or fulfillment? See if you can reinvest in your primary relationship to have your needs met and reconnect. But if not, perhaps consider ditching them both and starting over from scratch. You may be happier in the long run.

Turn to a trusted friend for support. It can be really difficult going through something like this by yourself. Having a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board and someone to give you advice is the thing you need. Instead of focusing on the positive aspects focus on the negative ones. Break off the affair in your head first and start thinking about it as over. Look for the shortcomings and problems with the person you are having the affair with and the affair itself. It’s time to change your mind set about it. If all you want to do is be with that person, even though you know it’s the wrong decision, you have to start having a negative outlook on it. Once your mind has turned from enjoying to reviling the affair it will be easier to sever the ties to that person. Get rid of all the mementos and signs that an affair has occurred. Erase the text messages. Sell the gifts and tokens. Delete the secret file on your computer of you two together.

Have a face-to-face meeting with your lover. Make it someplace public so that they won’t make a scene. Explain to them how much you enjoyed it but that you need to end it and the reasons why. Let them know that you are cutting off all contact. Once you’ve explained yourself get out of there. Avoid getting back into the affair. Remember that just because you’ve changed the affair’s status in your mind doesn’t mean they have. They could call and plead, beg, even use blackmail to force you to see them. Resist or find yourself in the same situation all over again. For more advice read, How to End an Affair: Stop Cheating with Proven Steps to Infidelity Recovery by Eugene Marks.

How the Different Genders’ outlook on Sex Affect a Marriage

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How the Different Genders’ outlook on Sex Affect a Marriage

One of the things long-term couples fight about is sex. Men generally want sex no matter what stage the relationship is in. Meanwhile, women see it as the end result of a healthy relationship. Therefore men still expect to have sex when the relationship is rocky, while women prefer to abstain because emotionally, they don’t feel like it is the right thing to do. Men sometimes see this as not fighting fairly. To a man, the two things, emotional well-being and sex, can be compartmentalized. To a woman, however, they cannot. As physical intimacy declines so does emotional intimacy. A vicious cycle occurs. The husband may confront the wife about “withholding” sex, saying it is unfair. At this point the wife, who thinks he only cares about sex, may regress even further. At this point the husband too may pull away, resentful of the wife. Here the two sides interpret sex differently. But instead of reaching out and discussing or discovering how the other interprets it, the miscommunication creates resentment which further widens the rift between the two. The emotional problems in the relationship may be glaringly obvious to the woman but not to the man. These rolls can be reversed too. Certainly there is a husband out there right now withholding sex due to a wife’s negligence or transgression.

Famed marriage researcher Pepper Schwartz however says this is the most common type of sexless marriage, where the woman feels hurt or emotionally detached and the man disgruntled about the lack of sex in the relationship. In this situation she says “there’s a lot of anger and two people who simply don’t know how to change their behavior.” The husband feels victimized. He may disappear into his “man-cave,” local sports bar, golf club or other such hangout. He may believe that all marriages are meant to end up like this, two mild adversaries living side by side. Due to his alienation from his wife, he feels no responsibility to what has transpired. The wife however believes that he should own up, open up, and apologize for what he’s done wrong so they can move on. But he feels he hasn’t done anything wrong so the cycle continues. In this scenario both parties are aggrieved while each blaming the other. Both feel disillusioned about their partner and perhaps even the institution of marriage itself. Each feels resentful and angry. Yet to bridge the gap it often takes patience and openness to see why the other party is aggrieved. It also takes the ability of one to analyze the past and see where things went wrong, and to see their own contribution to the conflagration. Once we can recognize where we ourselves went wrong we can address our partner in a new way. It takes two. No one person had hurt this marriage in and of themselves.

When a couple hits rock bottom, it’s often time to work through their problems with the aid of outside help. Generally either they seek out marriage counseling, live two separate lives side-by-side or one party files for divorce. This type of marriage is also ripe for infidelity, which could be a wake-up call. But more often than not it causes the end of the relationship or at the very least a worsening of relations. Luckily there are 12-step programs for codependency, psychological services, marriage counseling, faith-based services and so much more. To preserve intimacy and joy in your marriage, look to the positive contributions your mate brings. Come to understand and accept who they are, faults and all. Do the same for yourself. Think about what is important to you in a marriage and stick to and preserve it. Learn to let the other, lesser things go. Spend time relaxing together, even if it’s just for fifteen minutes a day. Take part in adventures together. Do things for the two of you, just as a couple. Forgive. Don’t hold a grudge. Write little notes to one another. Tell jokes. Make each other a nice hot cup of something. Always remember to fight fairly. Talk things out no matter how long it takes. Always try to see where your partner is coming from. Choose to work at it and you can keep your marriage abundant and bountiful with love. For more on this topic, pick up a copy of the book, The Busy Couple’s Guide to Everyday Romance: Fun and Easy Ways to Keep the Spark Alive by Editha Rodriguez.

Does your Ex make you Jealous?

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Does your Ex make you Jealous?

When you’ve been together with someone you care about and you break up, it’s hard to pivot away from seeing them as yours and instead seeing them as someone you’re not associated with anymore. But that painful transition becomes compounded when your ex moves on before you’ve had a chance to fully heal. Don’t hasten through when you aren’t ready. But don’t wallow in misery either. Some people reflect on it over and over, making the heart sicker than it needs to be. Instead, let the grieving take its course but focus on healing. Stop focusing on what your ex is doing and focus on what you are doing. Learn how to let go.

Whether they are enraptured in a rebound relationship with a would-be superstar or are touring the Vegas Strip, ask yourself what it really matters what they are doing? Should your focus really be on them? If they are going out on a rebound or partying up a storm, it shouldn’t matter. And what does it really say about them? Are they really emotionally secure or are they making grand gestures to show how “over” you they are, in effect showing a deeper side of how not over you they really are? If they were so over you why would they go through all of this trouble to show that they were?

Sometimes we focus on our ex as a target for the horrible emotions a breakup puts you through. We want an outlet and hating them becomes a good one. But it can also become an obsession and take away your own power, and your life. Your goal is to rejuvenate yourself. Become the person you’ve always wanted to be. Make this a transformative experience. Learn from it so you can make your next relationship ten thousand times better than the last and you ten thousand times better than the person you were.

Sometimes you aren’t ready to accept that things are over. But that is strictly part of the grieving process. Even at its worst you know brighter days are ahead. The pain subsides little by little each day, wearing away like a season until that season is gone. Let it go naturally of its own accord. Explore where the hurt really comes from. Is your ego bruised? Was it really this person? Was there some other deep seeded thing that surfaced in this relationship? Explore the root of your jealousy and use it to find out what issues and baggage you brought to the table, how you can own those, and release them from it. Through this transformative experience, that of self-discovery, you will ultimately become free. For more advice read, How to Stop Being Jealous and Insecure: Overcome Insecurity and Relationship Jealousy by Michele Gilbert.

Get Good Relationship Karma

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Get Good Relationship Karma

Do you believe in karma? Karma is an idea from Hinduism that the things you do right morally will bring to you good things in your life increased to the seventh power. Whereas evil actions will bring evil upon you seven times worse that what you’d done, as recompense. Lots of people do good deeds not only because they are the right thing to do but to receive good karma in kind. But even though those good Samaritans do so for the poor and indigent, the young and the elderly, they often overlook karma for one of life’s most important aspects, one’s love life. Here’s how to get good relationship karma. First, don’t dump someone callously.

It’s so painful being dumped, even if the person was a complete jerk, or worse.  Still, try to remember that they have feelings too.  But do them a real favor. Don’t tiptoe around why you are breaking up with them. Let them know what is making the two of you incompatible. The breakup is a real moment to actually help someone with a problem that could, and probably will, creep up in other relationships. If you really want to do a nice turn, tell them what they need to work on. If you get through to them, you will be saving them a lot of heartache in the future.

If you are going through a breakup, in a dating rut, have sworn off romance in bitter disgust, or have just been single for what feels like an eternity, don’t rain on your friend’s parade if they are falling in love. Lots of people, especially those of the female persuasion, get extremely jealous when a friend is falling in love. There is the small talk about the new lover’s flaws and foibles, the imagined breakup, devastating. Here is a good time to put aside those bitter feelings, cleanse yourself of resentment and suppressed rage, and instead focus on your compassion for your friend. You want to radiate love, caring, kindheartedness and consideration and know too that your turn isn’t too far behind your friends.

When you and your wingman or wing woman are chatting up two eligible singles, let your friend steal the limelight. Don’t constantly undercut or out charm your friend. You won’t stay friends for long. Whoever likes someone likes someone and pushing each other out of the spotlight is not the way to go. Don’t let your ego get bruised. Your selflessness will be recognized and revisited upon you sevenfold. For more advice read, Love Karma: Use your Intuition to Find, Create, and Nurture Love in your Life by Char Margolis.

Falling Back in Love

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Falling Back in Love

In a marriage or a long term relationship that has been going on for a while, way past the normal comfortable phase, sometimes things become far too common and routine. You’ve lost that spark. You start to feel numb about this person. You get confused. You still love them but you wonder if you are in love with them. One or both of you feel taken for granted. And at this juncture it is crucial to turn things around, and reinvest in one another. You can fall back in love, reignite that spark and show each other how much you care. There are ways to shake the cobwebs out of your relationship and get your hearts racing again. It doesn’t take more than some creativity, consideration, caring, time and enthusiasm. And you’ll be racing back toward one another in no time.

The first step is to find what attracted you to this person to begin with. Was it their laugh, their smile, the way they tilt their head, a great sense of humor or just the way they looked at you? Talk about these times. Be sentimental. If you used to play guitar and serenade your lover do it again. Go through old photos and recall old times. If you used to write love notes, love letters or the like do so again. Spend some time together. Go away, or just go on a date. Spice things up in the bedroom. Bring home a little gift for him or her, something romantic. Surprise them with a candle lit dinner, a secret trip or a body massage.

Next, come to terms with your partner’s shortcomings, even come to love them for it. And expect them to do the same. Tell them about it, that you love them no matter that they leave their underwear in the wrong place, or whatever the issue is. And have them accept whatever your faults are. Recognize what problems you bring to the relationship. No one is innocent completely. See if there are things you can do to mitigate these problems. Brainstorm with your partner. They will be so delighted that they will be willing to think about ways to lessen the impact their shortcomings have. Instead of focusing on the negative, make a list of things you like, love and appreciate about your partner. Are they kind and considerate? Do they cook or clean? Do they make you laugh when you’re down, listen to you and help you with your problems? Share this list with them.

Recognize that if you are stuck on some fairytale version of love, that your expectations are way too high. Realize that a relationship is going to take some work, caring and commitment. Instead of creating a vicious cycle where you criticize him or her and get negativity back, invest in a virtuous circle, where you say positive things to them, encourage them, cheer them on and do things to make their life easier. They’ll return the favor. For more advice read, I Love You, but… I’m Not IN LOVE With You: 7 Steps to Saving Your Relationship by Andrew G. Marshall.