Free yourself from Post-Divorce Negativity

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Free yourself from Post-Divorce Negativity

Few events in life can fill you with so many negative emotions such as sadness, a sense of loss, despair, depression, anxiety and hatred like a bitter divorce. Even conscious uncoupling can be deeply unsettling. The first thing to realize is that it is all inside your own head. You may feel a torrent of emotions. But you decide exactly what to do with them, how to manage them and ultimately whether you come out a stronger, more developed, self-actualized person at the end who has experienced a kind of personal growth from this experience, or if you miss that chance due to retaining bitterness. If you are hurling all of this hatred and anger at your spouse, you’ll soon realize it’s like swallowing poison to murder someone; it hurts you terribly, but the impact on them is limited. Instead, an outlook of yourself both as patient and doctor is sufficient. You have these emotions and now it’s time to see how to best tend to them so that you get the best outcome. Your spouse as well may be casting vitriol at you every chance they get. You can’t control what happened or how they feel. Nor can you control their behavior. What you can control is your reaction to it, and how much you will let it bother you. There are some simple beliefs you can adopt to help shed your negativity and also protect yourself against your ex’s. Here’s how to free yourself from post-divorce negativity.

Realize that whatever your spouse says about you is their problem, not yours. Be sure to clear your name. And if they are using the children to spy or as a weapon, make sure to nip that situation in the bud. The children should never be put in the middle. They will suffer for it. But other than that, they will say what they will. You choose how you react to it. Their speech is all about them, not about you. What’s more, other people will be watching how you react. Will you be classy all the way, or sink to their level? In the end others judge them for their behavior, and they’ll sink themselves. Instead of seeing divorce as an end, which it invariably is, see it as a new beginning. You have freedom to be who you want to be, and discover a whole new you. Your life won’t be perfect after divorce, but it is still pretty good and it can be even be better. Make a dream board. Write in a diary. Make a bucket list. Go back to school. Get some more training or try and climb the ladder at work. Invest in a hobby. Take a trip with a friend. There are so many things you can do and so many directions you can take your life in now that your ex isn’t weighing you down. There will be good days and bad. If you need to cry it out, do it. It’s a healing process and think of it as such. But don’t wallow in grief. Know when it’s time to pick yourself up and get going again.

Realize that every experience you have in life is another lesson that makes you wiser and therefore a better person in the end. It may not feel like it now but this could be a completely transformative experience for you. Not everything in life is meant to endure. Change can be very scary and it can be hard to say goodbye. Just keep things moving. Make the necessary steps, no matter how small or staggering. Sooner or later you will make it to where you are supposed to be. Sometimes it feels satisfying to take part in divorce drama with your ex. But sooner or later you will understand that it weighs you down far more than it lifts you up. After a divorce you may feel like damaged goods. But the truth is people are judging you far less than you think. Understand that your life and your happiness is ultimately based on your own thinking and no one elses. You can make the world a better place and you can make your life all you want it to be. It’s all up to you. For more, pick up a copy of the book, The Rediscovery of Me: Reinventing Life after Divorce by Dr. Marcia Brevard Wynn and Earl Sewell.

Find out What Kind of Guy he really is

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Find out What Kind of Guy he really is

Manipulation is always thought of as a negative thing. The truth of the matter is that we manipulate each other all of the time. We sweet talk the boss into giving us more time on a task. We try and convince the cop not to give us a ticket even though we know we were speeding. We try to get our roommate to do our chores when we are short on time and high on assignments. The point is that finding out how people tick and using it to your advantage is fine, depending upon your intention and if it hurts the person in the end.

Of course you shouldn’t be callous and mean. No one should manipulate someone into a bad position just so they can rise in consequence. But there are normal interactions between people that can be looked at as manipulation that are really okay, like when a girl decides that she’d like to be settling down. You don’t want to waste time dating guys where the relationship isn’t going anywhere. Nor do you want to get emotionally invested in someone who will end up letting you down. Instead, here are some things you can do to find out what kind of guy he really is.

Not on the first date, but early in the relationship if you want to see if he’s a male chauvinist or insecure, wear heels. When you are tall and sexy and sticking out, he’ll have to deal with you. Watch how he takes it. If he’s laid back, cool, confident and aloof, he wins points. When he thinks he’s going to get lucky, play sick and see how he reacts. Does he get angry? Does he leave? Or does he try to take care of you or offer to keep you company? One trick some women try is to elicit the help of her sexiest girlfriend. She sends her out there to try to pick up her boyfriend. If he goes for it then he isn’t the one for you. The disadvantage to this strategy is that many a girl gets dumped by both her boyfriend and her friend, who end up together. So watch how that one might play out.

Fake a catastrophe in your life and see how he reacts. Does he back away or offer to help? If he’s really into you he will do anything to help you. But if he isn’t so emotionally invested he will make an excuse and get out of there. This separates the players from boyfriend material. You will also find whether or not he’s got leadership qualities. If he starts managing the crisis instead of kowtowing to your wishes then you now know his relationship style and how he operates in a crisis. Handling one of life’s disasters smashingly is one of those top relationship qualities for the long haul. Just be careful. Or else you’ll get stuck in one of those sitcom situations where awkwardness for you and comedy for everyone else ensues. For more advice read, How to Tell if Your Boyfriend Is the Antichrist: (and if he is, should you break up with him?) by Patricia Carlin.

When we stop meeting in Loving Kindness it leads to Divorce

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When we stop meeting in Loving Kindness it leads to Divorce

When we stop meeting in loving kindness it leads to divorce. That’s when we start taking each other for granted. It’s important to approach your partner with loving kindness. We usually get the reaction in return that we send out to our spouse. So if you greet them with loving kindness it only makes sense you should be greeted with that in return. But most of us know it doesn’t always work out that way. We are human. We have to do the best we can. So when is it okay to hold a different emotional pattern in their presence? When your spouse’s anger is exaggerated, ill-mannered and mean, it’s okay not to greet them with love. If they are being stubborn, rigid and unreasonable, passive-aggressive or sarcastic or in some other way obnoxious you don’t have to be kind to them. If they are no fun to be around or treat you in a disrespectful manner it’s best to just get out of their presence. Even though most couples love each other and love to be around one another, times may come up when you find them difficult or even impossible to deal with. This doesn’t mean the relationship is over. It’s perfectly natural from time to time to get caught up in a rough patch. When your spouse is in a foul mood or there is some issue you are both trying to deal with and they are being negative and ornery, how is it best to handle it? Usually more negative behavior as a response only makes things worse.

One thing to do is to sympathize with your partner. Get them talking about what is upsetting them. Sometimes just letting them vent, without comment is all they need to get whatever is bothering them off their chest, or whatever through them in an emotional tizzy out of their system. Try to understand where they are coming from. Sooner or later your spouse is going to say something that really hurts you. But think about how you react to that situation. You can blow up at them. It might make you feel better temporarily. But in the long run your relationship will be far worse off, and it will take far longer to fix things. Instead reflect on why what they said hurts you so. When you find out why it hurts it will take the sting out of it. It will also give you some perspective. Then you can address the issue clearly with your mate, tell them what they said that hurt and why. They should be able to respond appropriately at this point and the ensuing dialogue usually wraps everything up. Another important aspect of marriage is not only listening to what your partner is saying it, but looking for the underlying cause. What emotional place are they speaking from? Sometimes anger for instance can be a mask for fear. If you can get at what your spouse is afraid of you can unravel the mystery and solve the problem. Then you’ll have a happy spouse and a happy you.

If they are denying your emotions or rationalizing them away, they may be feeling diminished or criticized by you. Have you put them in an unfavorable light recently? Were they picked on when they were younger and something you or someone else did put them on the defensive? Are they withdrawing, ignoring or not listening to you? They may feel you are being critical of them, judging them or rejecting them. Are they being hypercritical of you? They may feel insecure and are turning it on you in order to deflect their own insecurity. Lots of children for instance put others down in order to solidify their own security. Are they being hostile, sarcastic or argumentative? If they have issues with a certain parent, you may have reminded your spouse of them. If they over-react to you, then you should not take this personally. They aren’t really having the argument with you, they are having it with that parent. Sometimes a spouse can get jealous if you are helping someone else. Their inner child feels that your priority is to take care of them. If you do something nice for them, get them a little treat or do something thoughtful, they will probably feel terrible, apologize and try to make up for their outburst.  There are lots of others. Finding the root of the problem, talking it out, and using compassion, kindness, openness and understanding toward one another are the best ways to help these marital problems. It takes a lot of patience and self-control. But your relationship will be strong and vibrant in the end. For more pick up a copy of, Dealing with Difficult Spouses and Children by Roberta Cava.

Kissing 101

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Kissing 101

Some of us are born great kissers. Others figure it out on their own, practicing in ways portrayed in sitcoms from making kissy faces in the mirror to practicing on cold fried chicken. Still others practice with a long line of partners starting in about middle school, and through trial and error, under bleachers and in the corners of parties, they develop their skills. But however you learned the venerable and ancient art of locking lips, how do you know you’re doing it right? How do you know some sensei might not come along and show you a technique sure to knock your next date’s socks off? Enter kissing 101. That’s right, you can now sign up for classes that are sure to give your kisses a kick. The Kissing School in Seattle is one such institute of higher smooching education. Founder Cherie Byrd was not satisfied in only letting the fine citizens of the emerald city have access to her special program. There are also what she calls “playshops.” She doesn’t like the word workshops since they have the word work in them. While playshops insinuate fun.

If you want a playshop to come to your vicinity contact them through kissingschool.com. The event lasts all day. You sign up with your partner. You aren’t assigned one or anything. It costs $275 for Seattle residents, $350 for playshops that come to your city or town. In kissing 101 participants are given exercises to loosen up and help develop their kissing abilities. One such exercise is licking juice off their partner’s face. Technique, such as tilting your head the right way is not the focus of the class. Instead, the focus is more on getting you into the right mindset. Lots of people it turns out are selfish kissers. They think about how they feel when kissing. But instead they should try to form a connection with the person they are kissing. Feel what they are feeling. React to what they like, look into their eyes, try and match their breath and do those little extras that you know will drive them wild. While many students feel nervous, shy or anxious in the beginning, by the end they feel confident, blissful, even enthusiastic. The top grade you can hope for is to make your partner swoon. That’s the euphoric, dizzying feeling that one gets after experiencing a really sexy, intense kiss. Even if you are an expert already, it sounds like a great way to add a little spice to a Saturday. And who can’t use a few pointers to sharpen their kissing skills? For more advice on this topic, read Kissing: A Field Guide by Violet Blue.

Wife’s Nagging can lead to Husband’s Early Death

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Wife’s Nagging can lead to Husband’s Early Death

When a man tells his wife she’s nagging him to death, he may not be exaggerating. According to research out of the University of Copenhagen a wife’s nagging can lead to a husband’s early death. Spousal worries and demands lead to about 315 deaths per 100,000 says the National Post. Those men who had very demanding spouses were 150% more likely to die early. Going to work helped some husband’s de-stress. Those who were unemployed and home with a nagging wife all the time had a higher chance of kicking the bucket early. Women are socialized to talk about and communicate their emotions with friends and family. Men however are socialized to hold things in or deal with them themselves. Instead of friends, men generally have their spouse or lover as their confidant. Lead author of this study Dr. Rikke Lund in an interview with The Daily Mail said, “Men will limit their conversations with friends and family. The one person they have as a confidant is actually the one putting the worries and demands on them then that could be making them more vulnerable.” Men’s bodies react to stress by releasing cortisol, the stress hormone. This isn’t good for cardiovascular health such as blood pressure.

Children and spouses who were demanding were the ones that put men into early graves. In-laws and neighbors didn’t have the same effect. It could be out of a sense of love, duty and social responsibility that makes men more susceptible to the stress placed upon them by their wife and kids. Women have stronger social networks and therefore aren’t affected by nagging the same way men are, according to the Telegraph. Certainly men should make sure to pay attention to the woman they plan to marry in this regard. He should however notice his own behavior. Does he increase her likelihood of acting this way? Does his wife believe he isn’t listening or paying attention to her? Or is she just a complainer who exports all of her happiness in a selfish and demanding way? In terms of nagging women, wives should first evaluate what she is going to say to her husband. Are you giving him more stress or helping him through it? Sure, couples do have to discuss uncomfortable situations. But is this something you can handle yourself? Are you making things positive, secure, happy and loving for your man or are you making his home life worse? Find different ways to communicate and see how best to reach him. Try to couch things in a positive manner. Make sure, instead of putting the burden on him, you two are going to tackle problems together, as a team. For more information on this study, you can find it in the Journal of Epidemiology & Community Health. To learn about communicating in a more positive way, read The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.