Ending the Affair

end affair

Ending the Affair

An affair can be so edifying, passionate, and you may find the person you are having it with irresistible. But infidelity can also tear your life apart. If you are thinking of switching up, think carefully. Will you be able to trust them? Will they trust you? The one you are cheating with may not have the best long term relationship qualities to begin with. They cheated with you after all, what makes you think they won’t do it again when things get too tough? It’s best to end the affair. But it must be done in the proper manner. Only if you are determined can you put an end to it.

It may be comforting to have a place to go to when your spouse or live-in partner doesn’t understand you or ignores you. But sooner or later they are bound to find out about the affair and blow everything wide open. If your relationship is too far gone and you’ve tried everything you can to fix it, with little success, perhaps it’s time to end that too. Usually, an affair is caused for some reason. The cheater isn’t getting their needs met in the primary relationship. Determine what needs aren’t being met. Is it intimacy, appreciation, or fulfillment? See if you can reinvest in your primary relationship to have your needs met and reconnect. But if not, perhaps consider ditching them both and starting over from scratch. You may be happier in the long run.

Turn to a trusted friend for support. It can be really difficult going through something like this by yourself. Having a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board and someone to give you advice is the thing you need. Instead of focusing on the positive aspects focus on the negative ones. Break off the affair in your head first and start thinking about it as over. Look for the shortcomings and problems with the person you are having the affair with and the affair itself. It’s time to change your mind set about it. If all you want to do is be with that person, even though you know it’s the wrong decision, you have to start having a negative outlook on it. Once your mind has turned from enjoying to reviling the affair it will be easier to sever the ties to that person. Get rid of all the mementos and signs that an affair has occurred. Erase the text messages. Sell the gifts and tokens. Delete the secret file on your computer of you two together.

Have a face-to-face meeting with your lover. Make it someplace public so that they won’t make a scene. Explain to them how much you enjoyed it but that you need to end it and the reasons why. Let them know that you are cutting off all contact. Once you’ve explained yourself get out of there. Avoid getting back into the affair. Remember that just because you’ve changed the affair’s status in your mind doesn’t mean they have. They could call and plead, beg, even use blackmail to force you to see them. Resist or find yourself in the same situation all over again. For more advice read, How to End an Affair: Stop Cheating with Proven Steps to Infidelity Recovery by Eugene Marks.

What’s the Best Way to Breakup with a Hookup?

hookup

What’s the Best Way to Breakup with a Hookup?

Whether you are dating again after a divorce, staving off marriage, are too busy for a serious relationship or believe monogamy is antiquated system with no place in the modern world, you are immersed in the exciting albeit confusing, hookup culture.  And anyone who has spent any amount of time in it comes to a point where they have to break up with someone that they aren’t actually dating. The whole experience can feel like a double edged sword. You didn’t get the benefits of a relationship exactly but you still have to go through the worst part. Some people try to hint around as if they are all-of-a-sudden completely unavailable. But lots of people, of both genders, fail to take the hint. Of course, you may ask what the best way to breakup with a hookup is, but it all comes down to who you both are and how you relate. Do you do normal couple things but are still in the incubator stage of your relationship? Or is this a drunk dial booty call on a Friday night? Just as the punishment should fit the crime, the type of non-relationship you share with this person should determine the way you break up with them.

If you shared meals, hung out in bars or spent a significant amount of time together, this person is owed a face-to-face breakup. Just be honest with them. Sit them down and let them know that you want a plutonic relationship and still want to remain friends. If you aren’t feeling it anymore, say so. When you act like a couple the lines between hookup and relationship tend to blur. You’ll want to clear things up in a way that leaves no room for confusion. If this is the drunk hookup, let them know that it’s been fun but you just want to be friends from here on out. If you really aren’t attached a phone call might suffice, if it’s just a case of text and grind. Then there are those times where you just went out on one date and you are 100% sure the chemistry isn’t there and never will be. Just tell them so. Here perhaps over the phone might be alright as well. If you two have been hanging out a long time, or worse yet were at one time thick as thieves, this is the serious, sit-down breakup.  Perhaps they said or did something that soured you. Maybe you met someone else who flips your switch and lights you up like Las Vegas, or things just coasted into boringsville fast. Whatever the case, you have to sit this person down in a quiet, comfortable setting and explain why. Don’t let it feel like you are stomping on their heart. But they do deserve the truth. If you think they’ll make a scene, do it in a public place like a restaurant or coffee house.

Do go out of your way to let them down gently. Don’t gossip with your friends. Word does get around and then how will you look when it reaches your former hookup? If you are dropping this person, drop them. If you drunk dial them a week later and get it on, you’ll be in the same situation all over again. Erase them from your phone and email. Maybe keep them on your social media pages or else your actions may seem hurtful. Resist the urge of calling them and starting the cycle all over again, or don’t break up with them at all. Don’t dwell on the situation. Learn from this experience and integrate it into your future pursuits. Certainly even the most short-lived relationships can leave you with a good memory. Sometimes it helps to close with that memory and how you’ll cherish it. It leaves both of you feeling good. For more on traversing the harrowing landscape of love read, Sex at First Sight: Understanding the Modern Hookup by Richard E. Simmons III.

New Website Generates Personal Ads for you

personalad

New Website Generates Personal Ads for you

Ever get stuck composing a personal ad online? There’s an app for that. A new website called Collective Love generates personal ads for you. Answer five questions and its algorithms go off to create the perfect personal ad for you. It doesn’t do this on one of the more robust dating websites. These are more for no strings attached hookups. Collective Love compiles information from the “casual encounters” section of Craigslist.org. Collective Love calls these “carnivals of refracted flirtation.” But some don’t find them nearly as clever. The questions it asks are where you live, your city and state, what sexual preference you have and how many sentences you want. The about section of their website claims, “With Collective Love, the amorous essence is extruded from a morass of anonymous expressions of lustful intent and offered to you. A product of the minds of thousands of strangers, it is not quite human, and yet not quite alien.” Journalists at Huffington Post tried to generate an ad in the women for men (w4m) section to see what it would come up with. The gibberish that transpired was just perplexing. It definitely did not fit what the about section espouses.

The lines it generates read differently depending upon where you are. You can play with it and see what it writes depending upon if you are in Canada, India or the U.K. for instance. It’s a lot of fun to play with. But if you are seriously looking for a no-strings-attached fling, this may not be the best way to draw out your best possible mate. Instead, why not do it the old fashioned way? Instead of focusing on your anxiety at this time, see it as sexual empowerment. Make it a hobby with getting some being your goal. Seek out exactly what you want. Take your time. Scroll through the ads others put out each day and find what you like about certain ones and dislike about others. Incorporate the things you like into your own. Decide on what kind of NSA relationship you want. Is this a friends with benefits situation, or a one night stand? Is this revenge sex or something to make you feel sexy and desirable after a protracted breakup or divorce? Understand what you are looking for in a mate. Be careful who you select. Speak on the phone a few times, exchange emails and meet in a public place, perhaps more than once to get to know the person and to make sure they are safe. Be sure to use protection. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t flip your switch, respect you or treat you right. Make sure there’s chemistry, too. Invest, relish and enjoy the prospect of bagging yourself the right person for an NSA relationship. It can be a scintillating prospect if you let yourself relax and enjoy it.  For more advice on this topic read 25 Words or Less: How to Write like a Pro to Find that Special Someone through Personal Ads by Emily Thornton Calvo and Laurence Minsky.

Top 10 ways to Break Up with the Least Damage

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Top 10 ways to Break Up with the Least Damage

Most of the time, even when we are in a bad relationship we agonize over whether or not we should break it off. Some worry if it is too soon. Others if perhaps their relationship can be renewed. But there are those who fear damaging permanently their lover psychologically. A good metaphor is that getting out of a relationship is like removing an adhesive bandage. Some people prefer to tear it off. Others remove it slowly inch by inch. Either way when you are finally ready to have that conversation most people want to do it in a way that is best for both parties, saying what needs to be said while treating the other person’s emotions, and perhaps your own as gingerly as possible. How to go about doing that often remains a mystery however. Here are the top 10 ways to break up with the least damage possible to that person, and yourself. The first thing is to know exactly what you want to say. You don’t need an entire speech memorized, though it may help. But just knowing some key points of why it isn’t working and how trying to work it out isn’t conceivable at this point will really help minimize the pain while getting the point across.

The second is to be honest. There is a teachable moment here and if there is a behavior or habit that is really getting in the way, this is the time where you might make an impact and even help someone turn their life around. However, you need to think through what you are saying. Tact is important. Most of the time, when breaking up whatever you say is going to reverberate in the person’s mind. So be sure to choose your words wisely, so as to get the point across without crushing them. Third, run through what you are going to say, even do it in front of a good friend who knows the two of you well and get some feedback. Fourth, make sure you pick a good, neutral spot for the breakup to take place. If you think that they are going to lose it but are the type generally to keep up appearances, perhaps a quiet, out-of-the-way but public place such as a coffee house is a good idea. Make sure it isn’t someplace special to them or you will ruin the memory for them. Fifth, keep your partner’s schedule in mind. Don’t interrupt their whole day, or blow an interview or presentation for them because you decided this needed to be done. Be considerate of their life before breaking up with them or you could impact their life far worse than you considered you would, or want to.

Six, don’t blame or point fingers. You will just be adding insult to injury at this point. But on the other hand, number seven, don’t take all of the blame either. Be upfront with what it was. Sugarcoating it will only pass the problem on to the other person. And if your former partner gets wind you are trying too hard to protect their feelings they’ll feel disrespected. Just be as honest as you can, but tactfully. Practice finding the right words to get through to them without being harsh. It’s a balancing act but it surely can be done. Eight, be empathetic. Understand where they are coming from and feel for them. Put yourself in his or her position so you know where they stand, why they act a certain way, how they may act and what you can do to minimize their grief and yet make sure they understand where things sit. Number nine don’t leave the door open to getting back together if you don’t mean it. Some people do this to save the other person’s feelings. But they end up hurting them worse as they give the person false hope, which compounds their grief when they find out it wasn’t true. They may even consider it a matter of being lied to. Number ten, remind them of a good time you once had, and revel in the nostalgia. Let them know that you’ll always think of them that way, attached to this and other fond memories. Giving breakup advice is easy. But living through a breakup, that’s something else.  For more insight on how to do it right pick up a copy of, Dump ‘Em: How to Break Up with Anyone from Your Best Friend to Your Hairdresser by Jodyne L. Speyer and Julie Bossinge.

Speaking With Your Ex In Certain Public Places Can Decrease Conflict

speaking in public

Although this isn’t always the case, many people have found that meeting with their ex in certain public places reduces conflict.  For instance, if you meet at a laid back and fun restaurant or other public location, you and your ex may use more caution in order to avoid creating a negative scene.  Meeting like this could help enforce a more mindful atmosphere that encourages the both of you to think before you speak.  This isn’t to say that either of you should have to hold back how you truly feel or not say what you feel needs to be said, however, it’s possible that heightened emotions could become uncontrollable in certain environments, which usually inhibits progress.  You and your ex would probably do far better in a more positive and public environment where you’re both expected to behave maturely and in a peaceful manner.  It’s common for people to regret their irrational and emotional outbursts, which could be prevented if conversations were limited to public locations.

It’s possible, of course, for people to still behave erratically in front of other people, but the chances are greater that people will stop and potentially catch themselves in whatever behavior they’re acting out before letting it get too out of hand.  If you’re planning on having a conversation with your ex that you feel could get heated, opt for meeting in a public place, such as a local diner, where other people get together to have more upbeat or everyday conversations.  Meeting secretively or discretely could create more tension between the two of you and even make it seem like the conversation is about something more serious than it was actually intended to be.