What does it mean when Your Date had a Quick Marriage before?

date

What does it mean when Your Date had a Quick Marriage before?

Quickie marriages in celebritydom have become as cliché as the damsel in distress being saved by valiant heroes. But what about in real life? What does it mean when your date has had a quick marriage before? The truth is that most divorces occur after the first two years of marriage. And the social trend is being married over less time. So it may not mean much. Just like everything else, it’s far more complicated than just that. What you really want to do is find out the reason why the marriage ended, and the particulars before you toss this person into the discard pile.

There are many factors to consider. First, who was the one who broke it off, or was it a mutual thing? 75% of divorces happen when one person wants out of the marriage. And more often than not it’s the woman asking for a divorce. Many times people enter into marriage without knowing the responsibility, time and effort it takes to keep a marriage fresh and alive. Also, there are those who find it difficult to commit. They think they’re ready but once the marriage is in full swing it turns out that they aren’t.

Were they young when they got married? If you want to address this question a little more genteelly, ask if age was a factor. Young people are impulsive. They fall deliriously in love and rush off to get hitched, only to realize it isn’t built to last a short time later. But you shouldn’t hold someone’s youth against them, as long as they’ve tempered that impulsive passion with reason. Passion certainly isn’t a bad thing in a date. And impulsivity’s mature stage is spontaneity, another plus. It’s important that you ask your date for information over a period of time, and in a light or direct way. But make sure it doesn’t feel like an interrogation. Or else you may be pushing away a potential partner. Know that divorce is painful for most people. It may be hard to talk about, whether the person admits it or not. Get them comfortable with you. Ask them to share their story. If they don’t feel comfortable sharing the whole thing, or just want to sum it up for now, tell them that’s okay. Really listen. Don’t judge, at least not right away. Thank them for sharing it.

So it’s important that you keep an open mind, don’t jump to conclusions, really think about what the person said, and try to find what they may not be saying, but what they mean. They may not say nice things about their ex, depending upon the situation, but it just may be a defense to cover up the hurt. Be patient and figure out who this person really is, and what’s really going on before going to the next level with them, just as you should do with anyone. For more advice read, Dating the Divorced Man: Sort Through the Baggage to Decide if He’s Right for You by Christie Hartman.

Things to Be Prepared for During Divorce

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Lots of people feel lost after a divorce. It can be a really painful and draining experience. That first couple of weeks are the worst. It gets better after a few months or so. Sometimes you wish there was a manual, or some teacher or authority figure could be assigned to you to help you, explain to you what to be prepared for, and what to expect when going through a divorce. That is what this article aims to help you with. Understand that the stress, especially in the beginning, can feel unendurable. You need to find positive, healthy ways to deal with your stress. Substance abuse isn’t going to help. In fact, if you have children and your spouse finds out about it, it will definitely not play out in your favor. Grabbing for comfort food isn’t good either. Yoga, exercise, journaling, reaching out to friends and family, watching funny movies and just having fun are great ways to do it. Be sure to reach out to people that are close to you. Don’t feel like you have to do it alone, you shouldn’t. It may feel embarrassing but the truth is everyone needs help sometimes. That’s what they are there for. They’ll be happy to help and you two will grow closer. Realize that it won’t be easy. Just take every day as it comes. Realize too that things you will enjoy will come from this, like peace and quiet or having the bed all to yourself.

Understand that you aren’t the only one that is in pain. Your ex-spouse is. too. They may act irrationally, lash out and so on. That doesn’t mean you should accept or tolerate such behavior, certainly not. But you should come to know where it is coming from and once you do, it takes the sting out a little. Realize that divorce does not equal failure, unless 40-50% of people who get married are failures. It’s common and it happens. You aren’t going to be single forever. There are lots of people out there to date. Just worry about getting through the rough patch and getting to that light at the end of the tunnel. Your lawyer is going to call you to inform you of particulars or movement in the case. You may not like everything that you hear. Just do the right things, make choices based on your morals and in the end, it will all come out alright. Sometimes you feel like life isn’t going to ever improve, but things will get better. Some people may tell you that all the good ones are taken or some other opinions about how it is out there. But the truth is there are all kinds of people single out there at all ages and more ways than ever before to connect. Someday you will see your ex with someone else. Be ready for that day and no matter what, be honorable and hold your head up high. If someone tells you that you need antidepressants, know that a lot of people are taking them at the beginning of a divorce. Just investigate, find out all the facts and see if it’s right for you. You’ll be past it all someday. There will be good days and bad days. Just know that no matter if you are feeling anxious, sad or depressed, reach out and do things to make yourself feel better. Remember that soon the dark days will be behind you and you’ll be happy and free. For more advice on this topic, read The Divorce Survival Guide by Calistoga Press.

“Everyone has a plan ‘til they get punched in the mouth.” – Mike Tyson

Everyone has a plan

Expect the unexpected, be prepared, and look at each situation from multiple angles to prepare yourself for various outcomes.  All of this sounds like good advice that we’ve heard before, but of course we always want our plans to work out flawlessly.  Most people go into a marriage without a plan for divorce because the intent is to be united with this other person until the end.  When there are talks of prenuptial agreements, many find this to be “unromantic” or view it as preparing for the worst, almost as though it’s dooming the marriage to failure.

For those of us who have gone through a divorce without a plan of action for if/when the marriage would end, however, we now realize that a prenuptial agreement would have been helpful to say the least.  Learning from the failed marriage, we must also see that we cannot fully predict how the divorce proceedings will play out either.  We may not get what we want and there could be an unexpected turn of events that leaves us paralyzed as to what our next move should be.  Not that we should anticipate for the worst to happen to us, but we should know that we’re not immune to losses.  Being prepared can be your best weapon in any situation.  Getting punched in the mouth will still hurt, but you’ll already have a plan for how to get back up and continue fighting.

Over Preparation Leaves Less Room For Uncertainty And Fear

overprepared

Doing your homework and knowing the laws and outcomes of divorce cases that have come before your own will bring you more confidence and less fear-based uncertainty.  When you are overly prepared, you will naturally act more civilly toward your ex and the opposing legal team because you won’t be acting out of fear.  Being prepared in this way means that you must have a legal team that is also overly prepared; your lawyers must understand the ins and outs of your divorce case and also the laws and procedures involved.  As mentioned before, you cannot rely solely on your legal team; you must take full responsibility and control over your case as well, so that if your legal team misses anything, you are able to catch it and bring it to their attention.

With any hardship or loss that comes in your divorce case, being that you were over prepared, you will have certainty that you put in your best effort and you’ll be able to accept that it was beyond your control.  It’s easy to have doubts about what might have been when you look back on a situation that you didn’t take full responsibility for and control over.

In Family Court, You Will Most Likely Not Get to Speak

don't speak

In family court, as per rules of the court, only attorneys can engage in oral arguments in front of the judge.

Unless the judge specifically allows you to speak, it’s rare to do so in front of a judge in a family court.  You will be sitting beside your attorney, so you can pass notes and give points to your attorney for him/her to use in an argument.  Although you won’t be able to speak directly to the judge, make sure you’re prepared with statements to support your case and share with your attorney.  It’s also important to meet with your attorney face-to-face prior to court dates so you can discuss all the topics you want to have presented to the judge and to ensure that you and your attorney are on the same page.

It’s possible that surprising statements will be made by your adversary’s counsel that will make you want to speak up to defend yourself.  Your attorney should already be on top of this and have a good rebuttal for your defense.  If it’s a new topic that you never discussed with your attorney, however, you might need to take a moment to discuss it privately before it can be brought up to the judge.  The best thing you can do is come prepared for anything your adversary could possibly throw at you.  You know your ex probably better than anyone and so you know the things they could potentially use against you in court.  You need to establish trust and comfort with your legal team so that all topics can be laid out on the table and properly structured for potential discussion in the courtroom.