Talk about Sex before you Get Married

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Talk about Sex before you Get Married

Planning a wedding can be a whirlwind that scoops you up and carries you along. There are so many things to plan and do. But one of the most critical parts of a marriage, your sex life, is often swept aside. Yet, it plays a crucial role. Not only is your sex life important, but the intimacy that stems from it can fuel your relationship and keep it intact for the long haul. But a lack of intimacy can sap your marriage.  Most people expect their married sex life to be phenomenal throughout. Though married people often register higher numbers on sexual satisfaction surveys, the truth is one’s sex life ebbs and flows throughout a marriage. Psychotherapist and sex specialist Vanessa Marin says that those couples who do talk about sex before they get married are more successful overall. It is important for any couple that wants decades upon decades of happy sex ahead of them to discuss it, and come to an understanding about the matter with their partner. Schedule a time to sit down together. It doesn’t have to be stuffy. You can set a romantic mood, get wine and light candles. Or you can just sit down on the couch together and start talking about sex. It’s really up to you, and what style you have as a couple.

The first thing to consider is to ask what your sexual strengths and weaknesses are. Talk about your favorite memories together. Share what the best sex you ever had was. What was it about that time? How did it make you feel? What about it made you feel that way? Ask what theirs was and why. What do you both really enjoy doing together or to one another? What really works for you? Over time, usually couples get better. They get to know each other’s likes and dislikes, and trust builds. Each person should ultimately feel free to open up and express their needs, wants and desires. This will build a great sex life together. It will help build your relationship, as it provides immense intimacy to be able to shed guilt or shame, open up, be understood and accepted, and ultimately be fulfilled by your partner. Ask yourselves how to make intimacy a priority. Marin writes in an article in Psychology Today that she always shares this with clients. They need to set aside time for intimacy. Those clients usually respond by saying, “we didn’t know we had to do that…” Having a fantastic married sex life requires a little bit of care and effort. Schedule date nights, get a sitter and get some special alone time together each week.

Talk about how you feel about the inevitable changes in your sex life throughout your marriage. Are you planning on having kids? You can’t imagine how that will change your time in the bedroom. Menopause and lots of other things will change it too. Discuss how you plan to keep the spark a towering inferno of passion throughout your life together. You don’t want things to get boring. Talk about interests and fantasies together. Marin suggests each person making a list using red, yellow and green lights. “Reds are the things you know you don’t want to try, yellow are the ones you’re unsure about, and greens are the things you feel perfectly comfortable with. Making these lists can be a fun way to keep the chemistry going,” she writes. Talk about what you will do if you ever have a fight about sex. Marin says it is inevitable. Do you have a communication strategy in place? Will you decide to see a marriage counselor or sex therapist if you have to? Know each other’s feelings on these sorts of things. Think about how each of you can nurture your individual sexualities. Lastly, talk about your honeymoon with your soon-to-be spouse. What are the expectations? What will you experiment with? Does the sex take precedence or other honeymoon activities? For more on how to have great sex with your now or soon-to-be spouse, pick up a copy of Marriage And Sex: Marriage Advice On Spicing Up Your Marriage And Marriage Tips About Sex For Married Couples by Suzie Holmes.

Pre-Marriage Toolkit

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Pre-Marriage Toolkit

Almost all love advice we are taught growing up is how to meet someone, but we never learn the skills we need to keep a relationship going and make a marriage run smoothly. Well today some organizations are trying to supply a pre-marriage toolkit or workshops to teach you and your partner the skills you’ll need to enhance and sustain nuptial bliss. These classes aren’t only for before you tie the knot. They can help keep your relationship humming along smoothly. Enter smartmarriages.org a website listing classes held across the nation, in all 50 states.

If you don’t have the time or the gumption to leave home on your or your spouse’s free time and work a course into your schedules, perhaps take a course online. Marriage counselor Dr. Susan Heitler has developed an online program at poweroftwomarriages.com. There are four tools every couple needs to put into their tool kit so as to have a successful union according to Dr. Heitler. The first is self-regulation. This is in terms of one’s emotions. Controlling our emotions is one important part of growing from childhood to adulthood. But many adults still struggle with anger issues that leak in and destroy a marriage. If one or another person raises their voice more than once per month, or if one or both spouses tend to say nasty things to one another, anger management should counteract that tendency.

Lots of couples have to work on their communication skills. Too many couples let problems devolve into arguments. They don’t know how to use tact in their relationship. They don’t validate one another’s feelings. Listening actively is not on the menu. And the model they use quickly becomes one of antagonism instead of cooperation. Hurtful or negative communication styles should be stricken from a marriage in total. Don’t counteract what your spouse says with “But.” Listen intently. Understand where they are coming from. See things from their point of view and yours and find avenues of compromise. Be patient. If things get heated stop the discussion and reschedule for another time. Seek innovative solutions for problems and keep your spouse’s opinion and concerns in mind and address them with your solution. Conflict resolution is a key skill that any long-term couple should possess. Every couple is going to see certain things differently. Instead of accommodating only one person’s preferences, solutions need to address both.

Lastly, too many couples let negativity seep in and poison their relationship. The way to guard against this is to inject positivity into your relationship as an antidote. Show appreciation. Laugh and joke with your partner. Compliment them. Show physical affection. Do something nice for them for no reason. Seduce them. Buy them a little gift. Write them a love letter or a poem. These will renew your relationship and your life, and keep both of you happy, together and smiling. For more advice read, Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before -And After- You Marry by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott.