Attractions of Inspiration

DATING

Attractions of Inspiration

You cannot control who you are sexually attracted to. And you can’t force it. But you can educate your libido. If all you end up with is a broken heart, can’t stop running after bad girls or bad boys, or always pick someone who’s emotionally unavailable, you can change the course of your love life. You aren’t doomed to failure. What you need to do is to develop attraction to people who are well-adjusted, kind, considerate and supportive, among other qualities. You can develop the skills necessary to have solid, healthy relationships. And these are the same skills you’ll use to keep those relationships fresh and alive.

When we look for a potential mate, we have natural evaluation systems we aren’t even aware of analyzing data and sending us emotions in tune with that data. There are really two systems going on at once. The conscious mind is attracted to the positive things that contribute to a successful, happy relationship. But the subconscious is drawn toward the issues we most suffered from at the hands of our caregivers as children such as neglect, abuse, manipulation, betrayal and anger. To work through these issues we seek a partner who embodies the same such problem we are struggling with in order to have a second chance at moving past the problem and healing psychologically.

This explains why we feel knocked off kilter when we meet someone that we’re really into. It also shows why love affairs can be so exhilarating and so agonizing when they end. Some people solve the problem by dating people that are safe but they have no attraction to. This usually leads to boredom and feeling unfulfilled. Others date those they find highly attractive, and go on constant roller coaster rides of the heart, with thrills and spills which leave you heady or down in the dumps from one week to the next. The trick is to date someone with a midrange level of attraction, but who also has qualities that are good for long term potential such as a good sense of humor, dependability, honesty, hard-working, considerate, kind and all of that good stuff.

Cultivate an attraction of inspiration and not only will you be in the right place romantically, your lover will be one of a high quality, where you can also enjoy a long term, healthy and committed relationship. How do you do that? The trick is to build intimacy. You need to get the heart and the head going in the right direction. Don’t focus on the person’s imperfections; instead focus on their good qualities. Spend lots of time together and talk about everything. Get close and build closeness. Don’t get nervous or take off if it doesn’t get off the launch pad right away. Stick in there with someone you like on an intellectual level and build your attraction to them. If you have an ember of attraction, with a little patience and some deep reflection, you can stoke your own ember into an inferno of passion. For more advice read, How to Get a Date Worth Keeping by Henry Cloud.

Should you Date Inside your Social Circle?

social-circle

Should you Date Inside your Social Circle?

Your social circle is your social network. But generally speaking these are the people you see all the time at school, work or in your circle of friends. Some people say you should never date within your social circle. The reason, if things go south you’re going to endure at the very least a little awkwardness around each other. At worst, a relationship torn apart takes the circle of friends with it. New circles form out of the wreckage. But often things are never the same. At work there can be consequences to your career. In either case one should tread lightly, keep things casual and consider the ramifications before moving ahead. There also can be a lot of benefits should things work out. It’s likely you share common interests. You know people in common and you already know something about the other person, giving you insight into how they operate and what they might be like should you enter into a relationship with them.

Sometimes someone within your immediate circle isn’t such a good idea, unless there is a strong mutual attraction. You don’t want to just practice within your immediate circle. You need to feel confident. If the other person is too afraid of the consequences, you need the gift of gab to persuade them and a devil-may-care attitude, just in case you get rejected. When you are trying to attract someone in your immediate circle, you kind of have to be “on” a little bit more. For a woman this may be showing more interest, and subtly playing with him to keep him interested and elicit the chase. For a man this could mean working the room, being the center of attention and being active in trying to impress her. It can be a little nerve wracking when all you want to do is kick back with your friends. Sometimes chemistry and fate just make it happen all by itself and you get sucked in like a tornado. At those times, it’s pointless to fight it, unless the person has some sort of serious issue. Otherwise, enjoy the ride.

To make it work, you need to convince this person that it won’t ruin the friendship or your working relationship. Be sure that your friends or colleagues are endorsing you in front of this person, not embarrassing you.  In fact, see if you can recruit your friends to help you. You can even have a “spy,” a go–between who is getting the inside scoop of what your love interest thinks. They can also lead the person toward giving you a chance. Don’t make the hard sell. Instead, focus on mission creep. Slowly get them used to the idea. If you don’t want to be put in the friend zone, never to escape, turn up a little sexual tension. A touch of the arm or shoulder, leaning in while talking, a well-placed smile, mirroring or making the same move as they do, sitting close and other body language techniques can help. For women body pressing, the borrowing of a jacket and cuddling to stay warm are often simple, sweet ways to get a little closer. Don’t go for the hard press, go light. If you get labeled as a player or heart breaker, show them specifically that you care about them. Do a little gesture that shows you know who they are and you’ve been listening when they talk. Slow but steady wins the race. Just slowly turn up the head. But don’t get frozen in inaction or friend zoned you will be. For more advice that is sure to change your dating life read, Make the Move: Love, Sex, and Dating Advice by Greg Figueroa and Emily Feliciano.

Finding the Right Person

match

Finding the Right Person

Dating around is great. You get to meet so many different people, see your real likes and dislikes, and have so many romantic adventures. But there comes a time in almost everyone’s life, from the love bug who just hasn’t found the one to the player who is tired of the game, when it’s time to settle down and find love. Here are some strategies to help in finding the right person. First, you need to change your mindset completely. Most people date willy-nilly, pushed by the winds of fate to this person or to that. But this will be a conscious effort. It’s like looking for a job, the important part is meeting people and networking until what you’re looking for rises to the surface.

Now that you are in the proper mindset, don’t set out alone. Elicit the help of your friends. Who knows you better than them? You’ll want similar qualities to who they are, and they’ll know you so well that they’ll be great help. Send out a BOLO or Be On the Lookout. In other words have your friends and even family, if you are comfortable, on the alert for singles that match your criteria. It’s much easier when you have a whole legion of matchmakers at your side. You don’t have to sound desperate. Just tell them you haven’t met anyone you like lately and so you’re changing tactics. They know what you like so it should be easy. And offer to do the same for your single friends too. It makes it more like a singles exchange.

Take a look around. Sometimes people are emotionally involved with someone already, but they’ve written that person off for one reason or another. Do you have a friend or a coworker that you love to chat with? Do you guys share intimate details of you lives? Do you even have a pact that you’ll end up together if you or they never find anyone else? If you can picture yourself kissing this person than you are already into them. Shake off the denial. Have a talk with others that have seen you interact. And then why not hang out, flirt a little and slowly see if there’s any interest in taking things a bit further. You can always have some wine, and tell them it was the wine talking. A good friend would excuse and forget a little faux paus. But if it does work out you’ll have the right person for you, and they were in your midst all along. How funny and cute.

Attend social occasions, even if you don’t feel like it. Pump yourself up, slap a smile on and go out and mingle. You never know who you are going to meet. Too many singles have a negative attitude about social functions and don’t go, missing an opportunity to meet someone new. Or you might meet someone who knows someone perfect for you. So no social occasion is ever a waste. Look out for singles events in your area. Take up a new hobby that’s social; a sports team, book club, writers or artists club, whatever you fancy. And try internet dating. You’ll land the one soon and have a whole lot of fun in the process. For more advice read, Calling in “The One”: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life by Katherine Woodward Thomas.

What does it mean when Your Date had a Quick Marriage before?

date

What does it mean when Your Date had a Quick Marriage before?

Quickie marriages in celebritydom have become as cliché as the damsel in distress being saved by valiant heroes. But what about in real life? What does it mean when your date has had a quick marriage before? The truth is that most divorces occur after the first two years of marriage. And the social trend is being married over less time. So it may not mean much. Just like everything else, it’s far more complicated than just that. What you really want to do is find out the reason why the marriage ended, and the particulars before you toss this person into the discard pile.

There are many factors to consider. First, who was the one who broke it off, or was it a mutual thing? 75% of divorces happen when one person wants out of the marriage. And more often than not it’s the woman asking for a divorce. Many times people enter into marriage without knowing the responsibility, time and effort it takes to keep a marriage fresh and alive. Also, there are those who find it difficult to commit. They think they’re ready but once the marriage is in full swing it turns out that they aren’t.

Were they young when they got married? If you want to address this question a little more genteelly, ask if age was a factor. Young people are impulsive. They fall deliriously in love and rush off to get hitched, only to realize it isn’t built to last a short time later. But you shouldn’t hold someone’s youth against them, as long as they’ve tempered that impulsive passion with reason. Passion certainly isn’t a bad thing in a date. And impulsivity’s mature stage is spontaneity, another plus. It’s important that you ask your date for information over a period of time, and in a light or direct way. But make sure it doesn’t feel like an interrogation. Or else you may be pushing away a potential partner. Know that divorce is painful for most people. It may be hard to talk about, whether the person admits it or not. Get them comfortable with you. Ask them to share their story. If they don’t feel comfortable sharing the whole thing, or just want to sum it up for now, tell them that’s okay. Really listen. Don’t judge, at least not right away. Thank them for sharing it.

So it’s important that you keep an open mind, don’t jump to conclusions, really think about what the person said, and try to find what they may not be saying, but what they mean. They may not say nice things about their ex, depending upon the situation, but it just may be a defense to cover up the hurt. Be patient and figure out who this person really is, and what’s really going on before going to the next level with them, just as you should do with anyone. For more advice read, Dating the Divorced Man: Sort Through the Baggage to Decide if He’s Right for You by Christie Hartman.

Overcoming Choice Overload in Online Dating

choice overload

Overcoming Choice Overload in Online Dating

Today with so many dating websites and apps, we can very quickly become overwhelmed with choices. With Tinder we can swipe so many faces and weigh decisions on people who hardly say anything about themselves, whom we have little but a couple of pictures worth of evidence to go on. Other choices are monstrous. You can spend over two hours answering OKCupid questions for comparability. eHarmony is similar in this vein. Yet, if you talk to couples you don’t see an overwhelming amount coming from these sites. So what’s the deal, are all these choices really making us happier and better able to focus in on the right person or is it just a menial, anxiety ridden drag? Over ten years ago a book mirroring this very phenomenon, The Choice Paradox: Why More is Less by psychologist Barry Schwartz made its way to the fore. In it, Schwartz argues that we are bombarded in the modern world by a barrage of meaningless choices. A look at the wall of drinks available at the local convenience store is just one example. Schwartz argues that this “Choice overload” causes us to make our standards too high, fail to meet them and feel guilty in the aftermath. If there is any explanation about how some of us date online, this is it.

Schwartz has resurfaced as of late being interviewed by a variety of media sources about his opinion on the rise of social media. The phenomenon he said has only increased anxiety, now in the form of things like FOMO (fear of missing out). Internet daters today are fraught with this very thing, going through profile after profile, on date after meaningless date and never looking past the surface, never giving a relationship a chance to take root. On Tinder for instance, it’s so easy to swipe right and overlook someone that could be perfect for you. But how would you know? Online dating has many pitfalls. Sometimes we spread ourselves too thin and chat with too many people at once. It’s hard to keep each person straight. At other times we are in complete limbo, emailing back and forth with someone we never know if we’ll see in person. People come in and drop off all the time with no reason or explanation. Sure it’s brought on more choices, but there’s also more confusion to go with it, as to how best to proceed. It’s almost always helplessly hoping that something works out and being disappointed. So should you find someone that’s good enough and stick with them, even if Mr. or Ms. Perfect could still be out there, somewhere in the farthest reaches of the internet?

In Schwartz’s experiments with choices in consumer products, “satisficers,” or those who don’t need the very best smart phone, latest TV or sharpest car were consistently the happiest, whereas “maximizers” or those who needed to have the very best at all times, were constantly let down. “Maximizers” were also less satisfied in their career and more likely to be diagnosed with depression. According to Schwartz’s view you should settle for something that is acceptable. Schwartz said in a Reddit chat last year that for a selection process, say for example high school juniors should pick five colleges, not five times that much. Why not do the same for dating? Use a site where you can view profiles, pick your top five, the ones you have the most in common with and have the best feeling about, and invest in them, instead of 25? When having a list of traits you want in a partner why not have a shorter, more manageable and practical list? Be flexible. See past little things. Instead of having to have a certain net worth as a requirement, consider someone who pays all their bills on time. The person you went out with may not have been the best kisser, but they can learn. You can teach them. Consider what is good enough for you and stick to it. “‘Good enough’ is almost always good enough,” Schwartz said. It doesn’t mean giving up on your dream of finding the perfect person. It means understanding that there is no such thing, being practical and finding your happiness here in this world. Usually, something clicks into place with someone and things just feel right. But that will never happen if like a Tinder jaunt you just keep on swiping right. For more useful advice read, Cupid’s Guide to Online Dating – A Practical Guide to Finding Love by R.C. Lane.