Free yourself from Post-Divorce Negativity

Leave-Negativity

Free yourself from Post-Divorce Negativity

Few events in life can fill you with so many negative emotions such as sadness, a sense of loss, despair, depression, anxiety and hatred like a bitter divorce. Even conscious uncoupling can be deeply unsettling. The first thing to realize is that it is all inside your own head. You may feel a torrent of emotions. But you decide exactly what to do with them, how to manage them and ultimately whether you come out a stronger, more developed, self-actualized person at the end who has experienced a kind of personal growth from this experience, or if you miss that chance due to retaining bitterness. If you are hurling all of this hatred and anger at your spouse, you’ll soon realize it’s like swallowing poison to murder someone; it hurts you terribly, but the impact on them is limited. Instead, an outlook of yourself both as patient and doctor is sufficient. You have these emotions and now it’s time to see how to best tend to them so that you get the best outcome. Your spouse as well may be casting vitriol at you every chance they get. You can’t control what happened or how they feel. Nor can you control their behavior. What you can control is your reaction to it, and how much you will let it bother you. There are some simple beliefs you can adopt to help shed your negativity and also protect yourself against your ex’s. Here’s how to free yourself from post-divorce negativity.

Realize that whatever your spouse says about you is their problem, not yours. Be sure to clear your name. And if they are using the children to spy or as a weapon, make sure to nip that situation in the bud. The children should never be put in the middle. They will suffer for it. But other than that, they will say what they will. You choose how you react to it. Their speech is all about them, not about you. What’s more, other people will be watching how you react. Will you be classy all the way, or sink to their level? In the end others judge them for their behavior, and they’ll sink themselves. Instead of seeing divorce as an end, which it invariably is, see it as a new beginning. You have freedom to be who you want to be, and discover a whole new you. Your life won’t be perfect after divorce, but it is still pretty good and it can be even be better. Make a dream board. Write in a diary. Make a bucket list. Go back to school. Get some more training or try and climb the ladder at work. Invest in a hobby. Take a trip with a friend. There are so many things you can do and so many directions you can take your life in now that your ex isn’t weighing you down. There will be good days and bad. If you need to cry it out, do it. It’s a healing process and think of it as such. But don’t wallow in grief. Know when it’s time to pick yourself up and get going again.

Realize that every experience you have in life is another lesson that makes you wiser and therefore a better person in the end. It may not feel like it now but this could be a completely transformative experience for you. Not everything in life is meant to endure. Change can be very scary and it can be hard to say goodbye. Just keep things moving. Make the necessary steps, no matter how small or staggering. Sooner or later you will make it to where you are supposed to be. Sometimes it feels satisfying to take part in divorce drama with your ex. But sooner or later you will understand that it weighs you down far more than it lifts you up. After a divorce you may feel like damaged goods. But the truth is people are judging you far less than you think. Understand that your life and your happiness is ultimately based on your own thinking and no one elses. You can make the world a better place and you can make your life all you want it to be. It’s all up to you. For more, pick up a copy of the book, The Rediscovery of Me: Reinventing Life after Divorce by Dr. Marcia Brevard Wynn and Earl Sewell.

Handling Divorce as a Lady at 40 Plus

divorce-after-50

Handling Divorce as a Lady at 40 Plus

Divorce for women forty and over is different than for women under forty according to Erica Manfred, author of the book, History; You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After Forty.  The sheer difference between handling divorce as a lady at 40 plus is that you have less opportunities than at earlier times. Some women have to re-enter the workforce. But if she’s been home caring for the house and children, or had a gap in employment, she may be in for a rude awakening when hitting today’s job market. If she hasn’t had a family yet and wanted one her chances are diminished.

The difference today from years ago is that there are plenty of single, available men who are also divorced. But the herd is a bit thinner than what women encounter at a younger age. If you need to reestablish your career consider attending college, community college, nursing school or some form of higher education. Civil service examinations are good avenues for employment. Networking with friends, family, acquaintances and others are good ideas as well, both for employment, and career advice.

Many people stay married for the sake of the children. They wait until the kids have grown up so as not to injure their psyches. But according to Ms. Manfred, “The kids are never grown.” What she means by that is that children are distraught by the divorce of their parents no matter what age they’re at. The kids begin to question their childhood, whether they grew up in a happy household for instance, or if it was all a lie. Now holidays are also separated into two. This will be quite awkward. Problems soon creep up in their own relationship. And they worry about who is going to take care of one or both parents once they get older and can’t take care of themselves. If you need to break the news, no matter what age, both of you should tell the children together according to Manfred. Deliver the news with empathy and understanding. Make sure the timing is right.

Surprisingly, 66% of over 50 divorces are initiated by women. This is because often the man has had bad habits, which she could ignore when he was out and about. But now that he’s home all the time it becomes a problem. There’s infidelity with younger women. And there are those men who recede into themselves and just sit on the couch and watch TV, while she still wants to live an active lifestyle and social life, go out, do things, meet people, and so gets tired of having no connection with him. It may not seem easy but for many divorce makes them much happier.

Wishing all the Best after a Breakup or Divorce

breaking-up

Wishing all the Best after a Breakup or Divorce

Some breakups make you wish you could tear the other person’s arm out and beat them with it. Some leave you crying and quaking. Others are an absolute relief. You feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off your shoulders. But more breakups are somewhere in between. Both parties made mistakes. There are irreconcilable differences. Many people still feel angry, hurt, upset, even a sense of longing for the way things were in the beginning. It’s hard to wish someone all the best after a breakup and even especially after a divorce. But to do so is not only classy, and shows that you will be fine on your own, you don’t want to look devastated. What good is that? Besides, self-love, that bright white light shining from inside of you will be the beacon to call your true love to you. This person clearly isn’t it.

You may feel justified for one reason or another to not take the high road, to not wish this person well. Vengeful thoughts often hurt the keeper of those thoughts far more than who they are directed to, so let them go. Forgive them for their transgressions and you will release yourself from the burden of hatred, anger and even the need for revenge. That doesn’t make it okay. And of course many people need to feel that pain and anger first, to get through the healing process. But don’t impede your own progress in reaching acceptance, for it will set you free.

Some people do forgive and accept, but only to a certain extent. The forgiveness comes with strings. Say the relationship wasn’t that bad but there were certain hurtful things said or done, as love is complicated. You may feel as though you were big enough to forgive them. You want them to be happy but not happier than you in the near future. You want them to find love but none so intense or gratifying as it overshadows what the two of you had, or so that it isn’t as satisfying as your next love affair. You want them to have success in their career or objectives but not be so successful as that envy leaks into your heart, or that you wish you had stuck it out with this person. Of course this line of thinking is selfish. It undercuts the spirit of letting go, of acceptance, of full selfless generosity. It speaks of still clinging to the past and not accepting how things are.

That splinter of the past will burrow its way into your heart and make you bleed if you let it. Instead, wish them the greatest love affair, the most success and the greatest happiness. Karma will only move to reward you. You can revel in your detachment and your ability to cope, come to terms, accept things as they are, and find happiness in the world as it is. For more ways to elegantly maneuver after a breakup pick up a copy of, Releasing a Person: Fast Recovery from Heartbreak, a Breakup or Divorce by Kathryn Alice.

How to be Healthy throughout a Divorce

stressed

How to be Healthy throughout a Divorce

It’s estimated that 40-50% of marriages end in divorce today. Though many are civil, they are all uncomfortable, draining and even painful. Then there are the problems of moving, adapting to a new financial situation, transitioning to being single again, and, for many, single parenthood. Helping children to get used to a new lifestyle is tumultuous as well. Depression, loneliness, misplaced anger, insecurity and anxiety can envelope you at this time. Lots of people let themselves go when they are going through a divorce, and wallow in these negative emotions. A recent Gallup poll found that those who are divorced scored lower on well-being measures including physical and emotional well-being. Keeping yourself healthy throughout a divorce and afterward can feel very challenging. This is especially true for women. Even after a divorce women have a higher risk of suffering from depression, making it crucial to know how to cope with negative emotions in a positive way. So how do you stay healthy throughout a divorce and in its aftermath? First, don’t wallow in isolation. Lots of people feel that they want to be alone. But then they spend too much time alone and this isolation begins to wear on them, or exacerbate their problems. Sometimes it has to do with pride. But there is no shame in reaching out for help and support. It takes a really strong person to do so actually.

Reach out to friends, family, mentors and other people who are close to you during this period. They will be there for you with open arms, advice, and comfort. Sometimes we just need someone to listen and validate how we are feeling. Let them know what form the comfort should take and they will be more than happy to oblige. It can also be beneficial to reach out to divorce support groups in your area. DivorceCare is one such group, but there are many others. When you get divorced it seems that so many priorities get in the way that your needs settle way down at the bottom of the list and hardly ever get addressed. Getting enough sleep should be a priority however. Preparing and eating healthy meals, getting enough exercise and making sure your emotional needs are met should also be on the docket and not at the bottom of the list, but near the top. You, your children, your coworkers and your family and friends are counting on you to be the best you you can be. They can’t make it without you. You are an essential part of their lives. But don’t just do it for them, do it for yourself. The healthier the lifestyle you commit to, especially during a divorce, the better off you will be and feel in the long run. Lastly, don’t perpetuate the feeling bad cycle. Everyone needs a chance to mourn. But if you are going to be sullen all the time people at first will be sympathetic, but if too much time has passed they will begin to put space between you and them. Find the positives in your life. Look for moments of joy. Laugh. Be lighthearted and find the positives in situations. Choose to be happy. It won’t be easy but it will be right. For more help with divorce recovery read, The Grief Recovery Handbook: The Action Program for Moving beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and Faith by John W. James and Russell Friedman.

Divorce Support Groups

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Divorce Support Groups

A divorce can be one of the most overwhelming times emotionally in a person’s life. Grief, anger, and confusion can inhabit your mind. It can be difficult to make financial decisions and one’s concerning the children. Talking to friends and family can help. It’s good to have a strong support system to help you through this difficult time. But they may not be divorced themselves. You may feel you need advice and support from someone or even a group of people who have been through the same experiences and know firsthand how it feels. They may have more informed advice that can help you navigate all the questions and decisions that creep up. Why not consider a divorce support group? There are definitely some in or near your area. A divorce support group can help you feel not so alone. They will be going through or have gone through the same thing and can offer their experiences as a template for what you may be seeing down the road. Lots of people even make lifelong friends after attending meetings with such a group. See what kind are out there and which one is a best fit for you. You can bring up specific questions or issues you have, feel a part of a community and be confident enough to take charge of your divorce, rather than be a victim of it.

First determine which type of group is right for you. Do you want something like a 12 step program? Are you attracted to a group with a particular religious bend? Or is it more group therapy you are seeking? Is co-ed beneficial or do you feel more comfortable if the group is same-sex? Next, select your method of finding what’s out there specific to your parameters. There are many methods in which you can find out what kind of divorce support groups are in your area. A quick Google search will turn up what’s available. Ask your divorce attorney what support groups he or she is aware of. You can inquire at the community center, or call the town or county clerk’s office and find out what is available. The local YMCA may be helpful as well. There may also be a self-help clearing house in your area. Your Google search should bring this up. The phone book is a good resource. Look under therapy, divorce or mental health services. Are you a member of an organized religion? If so perhaps speak with someone at your house of worship. Towns or community groups may run a program as well. If you are seeing a therapist, bring up your desire to go to a support group and get their opinion. Third, think about how often you want to attend the group. What is your schedule like and where does it fit in? Make sure the commute isn’t overly oppressive or else you may not stick with it. Remember that divorce is just a really serious breakup. For more help on getting over it read, Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You by Susan J. Elliott.