Talk about Sex before you Get Married

young-couple-in-bed

Talk about Sex before you Get Married

Planning a wedding can be a whirlwind that scoops you up and carries you along. There are so many things to plan and do. But one of the most critical parts of a marriage, your sex life, is often swept aside. Yet, it plays a crucial role. Not only is your sex life important, but the intimacy that stems from it can fuel your relationship and keep it intact for the long haul. But a lack of intimacy can sap your marriage.  Most people expect their married sex life to be phenomenal throughout. Though married people often register higher numbers on sexual satisfaction surveys, the truth is one’s sex life ebbs and flows throughout a marriage. Psychotherapist and sex specialist Vanessa Marin says that those couples who do talk about sex before they get married are more successful overall. It is important for any couple that wants decades upon decades of happy sex ahead of them to discuss it, and come to an understanding about the matter with their partner. Schedule a time to sit down together. It doesn’t have to be stuffy. You can set a romantic mood, get wine and light candles. Or you can just sit down on the couch together and start talking about sex. It’s really up to you, and what style you have as a couple.

The first thing to consider is to ask what your sexual strengths and weaknesses are. Talk about your favorite memories together. Share what the best sex you ever had was. What was it about that time? How did it make you feel? What about it made you feel that way? Ask what theirs was and why. What do you both really enjoy doing together or to one another? What really works for you? Over time, usually couples get better. They get to know each other’s likes and dislikes, and trust builds. Each person should ultimately feel free to open up and express their needs, wants and desires. This will build a great sex life together. It will help build your relationship, as it provides immense intimacy to be able to shed guilt or shame, open up, be understood and accepted, and ultimately be fulfilled by your partner. Ask yourselves how to make intimacy a priority. Marin writes in an article in Psychology Today that she always shares this with clients. They need to set aside time for intimacy. Those clients usually respond by saying, “we didn’t know we had to do that…” Having a fantastic married sex life requires a little bit of care and effort. Schedule date nights, get a sitter and get some special alone time together each week.

Talk about how you feel about the inevitable changes in your sex life throughout your marriage. Are you planning on having kids? You can’t imagine how that will change your time in the bedroom. Menopause and lots of other things will change it too. Discuss how you plan to keep the spark a towering inferno of passion throughout your life together. You don’t want things to get boring. Talk about interests and fantasies together. Marin suggests each person making a list using red, yellow and green lights. “Reds are the things you know you don’t want to try, yellow are the ones you’re unsure about, and greens are the things you feel perfectly comfortable with. Making these lists can be a fun way to keep the chemistry going,” she writes. Talk about what you will do if you ever have a fight about sex. Marin says it is inevitable. Do you have a communication strategy in place? Will you decide to see a marriage counselor or sex therapist if you have to? Know each other’s feelings on these sorts of things. Think about how each of you can nurture your individual sexualities. Lastly, talk about your honeymoon with your soon-to-be spouse. What are the expectations? What will you experiment with? Does the sex take precedence or other honeymoon activities? For more on how to have great sex with your now or soon-to-be spouse, pick up a copy of Marriage And Sex: Marriage Advice On Spicing Up Your Marriage And Marriage Tips About Sex For Married Couples by Suzie Holmes.

Do you Fear Physical Intimacy?

fear-of-intimacy

Do you Fear Physical Intimacy?

Some people, especially ladies who grew up in strict households, fear physical intimacy. They understand that they will be physically intimate with a man at some point in their lives. But with so many messages they never know when the right time is. They almost feel as though they aren’t supposed to enjoy sex or don’t even know what it really is. The truth is Mother Nature made it feel so good to perpetuate the human species. Looks like she did a pretty good job with 7 billion people on earth. But it isn’t just men that are supposed to enjoy sex. In fact, the evolution of the female libido has changed.

In the 16th century women were thought to be sweet, flushed temptresses who were controlled by the passions, and could suck a man in if he were not imbued with reason.  It was the Elizabethan era of the 19th century that saw many of these attitudes about women’s sexuality today, often codified in the phrase, “the Madonna or the whore.” This is a phrase feminists use to describe how women are supposed to act according to this ideology. Either they are completely chaste and don’t enjoy sex at all. Or they are overly hormonal nymphets who are only moved by carnal lust and selfish desire. The truth is, as more and more women come to see, they are built to enjoy sex.

Now, men are generally the driving force for coitus. The male member contains an impressive 4,000 nerve endings. But it’s not impressive compared to the 8,000 contained in the clitoris, another hint from nature that women are definitely supposed to enjoy physical intimacy. Beyond that and the libido, the penis has another function biologically. The clitoris however has no other biological function except to give ecstatic pleasure to its owner.  Some women absorb negative messages about female sexuality. These women grow up in households where sex is taboo and never discussed. They don’t explore their bodies and therefore don’t know what they like. When it comes time to become physically intimate with their mate, it’s all guesswork on his part, and hers. She may end up very surprised. But more often than not she feels scared, anxious, inadequate, all the things to ensure she’ll have a bad time.

Studies have shown that when a woman is comfortable and relaxed, this is the best mood for her to climax. Certainly no woman should be pushed into sleeping with anyone. She has to decide when she is ready, under what circumstances with whom and why. That’s different for each woman. But to have a good time the woman has to know what she wants and likes in bed in order to communicate this to the man. He’s not going to know automatically. This theory that some women have that a man automatically knows is a fallacy. Explore safely and responsibly. If you and your lover are at the point of physical intimacy work slowly, be patient, explore with enthusiasm, and if you still have hang ups getting in the way, see a therapist. For more advice read, Overcoming Intimacy Anxiety: How to Love When Loving Someone Scares You by Jordan Gray.

The Bigger a Husband’s Unit, the More Likely his Wife will Stray

stray

The Bigger a Husband’s Unit, the More Likely his Wife will Stray

Guys put a lot of emphasis on the equipment they are packing. Lots of ad space has been given to male enhancement and sexual surgeries, pumps and lots of other things exist to give him those few desperate inches to measure, or leave the competition behind, so they think. In our culture sexual prowess, virility, masculinity and social standing are thought to reside in the size of a man’s member. That’s why this newest study, that the bigger a husband’s unit, the more likely his wife will stray, comes at such a shock.

The research is out of Kenya and the results can be found on the online journal PLOSOne. 545 married heterosexual Kenyan couples took part in this study. Researchers wanted to know what characteristics caused a woman to have an affair. The husband’s penis size when erect was asked by researchers to both husband and wife, using a ruler as a reference point. If there was any disparity they took the average size between both estimates or relied on the more trustworthy spouse. The results were shocking.

Researchers wrote that, “Every one inch longer penis increased the likelihood of women being involved in extra-marital partnership by almost one-and-half times. Women associated large penises with pain and discomfort during sex which precludes the enjoyment and sexual satisfaction that women are supposed to feel.” One participant claimed the reason why was that, “Some penis may be large yet my vagina is small, when he tries to insert it inside, it hurts so much that I will have to look for another man who has a smaller one [penis] and can do it in a way I can enjoy.” Out of the female participants, 6.2% had extramarital affairs during the study, which lasted six months. Other reasons women cheated included being denied sex from their husbands or denied the position that they enjoy, domestic violence, and being unsatisfied with their marital sex life.

This study was conducted to try and impede the spread of HIV in the area. The size of the penis certainly isn’t the most important thing. Men’s preoccupation, particularly in the Western world has been for naught. Though there has been one study to suggest deeper vaginal intercourse can create more internal orgasms for women, this is mostly due to position rather than length. Sexual satisfaction for women starts emotionally. A safe environment, being comfortable with their partner, a lot of foreplay, good communication and practicing different techniques to see what she likes are all more important than length by far. For more on satisfying a woman pick up a copy of, Sex, Your Woman and You: How to Sexually Please Your Woman in the Bedroom and Beyond by Don Asterwood.

Should you Have Revenge Sex?

RevengeSex

Should you Have Revenge Sex?

Many people think of revenge after a divorce or a tough breakup. This is doubly true if you were spurned, treated unfairly, manipulated, cheated on or just cast aside like old shoes. If you have been treated this way or feel that you need to even the score, stop and think about your emotional state. Sometimes the problems of this relationship can spill over into another’s bed. But is it right? Should you have revenge sex? Furthermore are you hurting yourself worse with this behavior? There are lots of ins and outs to this one. Just like anything else in relationships, it’s complicated. First, decide on who the intended person you are going to have this revenge sex with is going to be. Are they aware of the entire situation? Are they okay with this being an act of revenge? It’s important that you are open and honest with this person. If you manipulate them into a position of having sex with you when they have feelings for you, think that this may turn into a relationship, or are just entirely unaware of the revenge angle, you may be cutting them deep. If that’s the case then are you really any better than the person who has hurt or scorned you? Is the point to hurt your ex and make yourself feel better or is it to lash out at an entire gender?

Next is whether it is proper, if you should have revenge sex or not. It really depends on the emotional state you are in. If you are just doing it spur of the moment and only for revenge, chances are you’ll be hurting yourself more in the process. You are stooping to their level. What’s more, if you aren’t over the emotional impact of what your ex did to you, can you really go through with it? There has been lots of evidence that a rebound relationship can actually help you heal. Rebounds also last just about as well statistically as any other relationship. But you have to be emotionally ready for it. If you are still grieving and sad this may compound your problem. If you are seething with anger, sex with a consenting adult who knows all the ins and outs of your situation could be a catharsis, and really passionate. But even though the other person says they won’t get emotionally attached, they still might. So you have to be prepared for that. You may want revenge by seducing the ex only to leave them hot and bothered, in order to show your ex what he or she is missing. In this scenario the tease is not the end. This relationship is now still continuing. It’s healthier to sever the bond clean and then move on. You are only inviting a response from your ex that will be less than considerate. There are those who seduce away someone else’s partner. This isn’t good either as it will cause a rift and more drama. Revenge sex to rejuvenate, to feel validated and attractive, to get over pain and experience pleasure again is the only way it can be healthy for you. To learn more about revenge after divorce, read Sex, Love, and Money: Revenge and Ruin in the World of High-Stakes Divorce by Gerald Nissenbaum, J.D., and John Sedgwick.