What’s the Best Way to Breakup with a Hookup?

hookup

What’s the Best Way to Breakup with a Hookup?

Whether you are dating again after a divorce, staving off marriage, are too busy for a serious relationship or believe monogamy is antiquated system with no place in the modern world, you are immersed in the exciting albeit confusing, hookup culture.  And anyone who has spent any amount of time in it comes to a point where they have to break up with someone that they aren’t actually dating. The whole experience can feel like a double edged sword. You didn’t get the benefits of a relationship exactly but you still have to go through the worst part. Some people try to hint around as if they are all-of-a-sudden completely unavailable. But lots of people, of both genders, fail to take the hint. Of course, you may ask what the best way to breakup with a hookup is, but it all comes down to who you both are and how you relate. Do you do normal couple things but are still in the incubator stage of your relationship? Or is this a drunk dial booty call on a Friday night? Just as the punishment should fit the crime, the type of non-relationship you share with this person should determine the way you break up with them.

If you shared meals, hung out in bars or spent a significant amount of time together, this person is owed a face-to-face breakup. Just be honest with them. Sit them down and let them know that you want a plutonic relationship and still want to remain friends. If you aren’t feeling it anymore, say so. When you act like a couple the lines between hookup and relationship tend to blur. You’ll want to clear things up in a way that leaves no room for confusion. If this is the drunk hookup, let them know that it’s been fun but you just want to be friends from here on out. If you really aren’t attached a phone call might suffice, if it’s just a case of text and grind. Then there are those times where you just went out on one date and you are 100% sure the chemistry isn’t there and never will be. Just tell them so. Here perhaps over the phone might be alright as well. If you two have been hanging out a long time, or worse yet were at one time thick as thieves, this is the serious, sit-down breakup.  Perhaps they said or did something that soured you. Maybe you met someone else who flips your switch and lights you up like Las Vegas, or things just coasted into boringsville fast. Whatever the case, you have to sit this person down in a quiet, comfortable setting and explain why. Don’t let it feel like you are stomping on their heart. But they do deserve the truth. If you think they’ll make a scene, do it in a public place like a restaurant or coffee house.

Do go out of your way to let them down gently. Don’t gossip with your friends. Word does get around and then how will you look when it reaches your former hookup? If you are dropping this person, drop them. If you drunk dial them a week later and get it on, you’ll be in the same situation all over again. Erase them from your phone and email. Maybe keep them on your social media pages or else your actions may seem hurtful. Resist the urge of calling them and starting the cycle all over again, or don’t break up with them at all. Don’t dwell on the situation. Learn from this experience and integrate it into your future pursuits. Certainly even the most short-lived relationships can leave you with a good memory. Sometimes it helps to close with that memory and how you’ll cherish it. It leaves both of you feeling good. For more on traversing the harrowing landscape of love read, Sex at First Sight: Understanding the Modern Hookup by Richard E. Simmons III.

When it’s Necessary to ask your Partner’s Permission

talking

When it’s Necessary to ask your Partner’s Permission

We all like to be independent. But when in a relationship, it can be hard to tell what we need to run by our partner and what a decision we should make on our own is. And it’s a balancing act. Asking their permission for everything can seem too needy, and that you export all of your power and authority to your romantic partner. When you make too many decisions without their input, you start looking like a tyrant with a callous and cold heart, who doesn’t care what they think, or about being considerate of their wants, wishes and feelings. A careful balance must be struck. But how do you know when it’s necessary to ask your partner’s permission? Here are some easy to follow guidelines for most situations.

If you are unsure, it’s always a good idea to sit down with your partner and figure out what works in your relationship, for the two of you. But here are some general ones that pop up in most relationships. One major situation which breeds arguments and hurt feelings is seeing your ex. Whether you are friends, or just catching up after years over a coffee, this has to be discussed with your current flame, at length. This isn’t controlling you, it’s merely a courtesy. And you are sending a message. You are letting your partner know that this relationship means more than catching up with an old flame. They shouldn’t mind. And if they do, they have jealousy issues, which have to be addressed.

If you are in a new relationship, let them know when you are hanging out with a friend of the opposite sex, and that this person poses no threat. Again, this shouldn’t be a problem. One important part of dating is developing trust. And if they don’t trust you around friends of the opposite sex, huge red lights should be flashing in your head. Still, letting them know shows you are courteous and considerate of their feelings, a boon in any relationship. If you two are cohabitating and someone is coming to stay over, or even live there for a while, you definitely need to sit down with them and talk it out. You can’t just spring it on them. They will be so angry, and resent you for it. And what message are you sending, that they have no say in a place they live? The same goes for company. If you just bring people home without letting them know, it’s a lack of respect on your part and a shock on theirs.

If for whatever reason you aren’t coming home that night, send a quick call or text. You owe them that much. If you are too intoxicated have your friend do it. Your partner will thank you and be more understanding. But the shock of you not coming home and not being alerted will scare them, make them worry, and if you don’t call it means that you don’t care, or that their feelings aren’t important to you. If someone in your life needs a hand or support in something they are doing, don’t commit your partner without their say-so. You need to run it by them first. If you do, it means you are considerate of their time and opinion. If you don’t, it means that they are supposed to do what you say when you say it. Showing consideration for your partner will make your relationship stronger, and make it last. For more advice read, Love is Never Enough: How Couples can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relationship Problems through Cognitive Therapy by Aaron T. Beck, M.D.

Great Ways to Ask Her Out

awk_topics

Great Ways to Ask Her Out

Got your eye on someone but don’t exactly know how to broach the subject?  There are lots of persuasive and charming ways to get her to agree wholeheartedly to a first date and have her counting down the days. If you’re confused over the difference between an ask out and a pickup line you definitely need to rethink your approach. Here are some great ways to ask her out. The usual way it’s done is after a long session of chatting and joking. Ladies love a guy who can make them laugh. Show her your best side. Make sure to use good, open body language. Open handed gestures, great eye contact and a dashing smile can melt her heart and make her say anything. Here’s a great tip, use an element of your conversation together to hook her into a date. “Can you tell me more about your fascinating trip to Iceland over coffee?” Or “The funniest part of the story happened a few days later. Sorry, I’m running late on time. How about dinner this weekend and I’ll tell you the rest?”  Now what if there are spectators, her friends or her family? Instead, offer her your email address so that you can fill her in on whatever you were talking about, or send her a link to a funny video she just has to see.

If you met your love interest online, the phone ask out is the way to go. After emailing back and forth and a couple of phone calls you two are ready to meet in person. If you are a shy guy, it’s okay but don’t let this roll out to a series of calls or she will lose interest and move on. One or two calls is all. You may have gotten her attention by your perfectly composed and compelling emails. But talking on the phone is a whole new ball game. Just like anything else in life, prepare. Have a few crowd pleasing anecdotes, a few insights, an interesting question for her, and really listen to what she says and give feedback. Don’t hang around when you feel the conversation lag. In fact, it’s best to leave them wanting more. Why not tell a story or a joke and leave the ending for when you two meet face-to-face? There’s nothing like adding a little anticipation to boost interest. Lastly, you can never account for when you are going to meet someone. It often sneaks up on you. But if you are glued to the spot by some exceptionally beautiful creature in the supermarket line, the laundry mat, at the bank or some other public venue, don’t let the opportunity slide. You only live once. And don’t fear rejection. No one’s going to know. Instead, approach her and chat her up. Find something you have in common to talk about. Or make a witty comment about the situation or the décor. Compliment her on something. If the conversation goes well, ask her out to something without much commitment; a coffee, a drink, some dessert and so on. At the dog park have your pooch ask out hers, and you are the proxy. You and she can be their chaperones. For more advice, read Attract the Right Girl: How to Find Your Perfect Girl and Maker her Chase you for a Relationship by Bruce Bryans.

First Phone Call Mistakes to Avoid

phone-interviews

First Phone Call Mistakes to Avoid

So you got the phone number to that cutie you’ve been thinking about for a while. Congratulations! But now the fun really begins. How can you sustain this level of interest and get that first date? It’s easy. Just be yourself. They must be interested in you or you wouldn’t have gotten their number to begin with. Here are some common first phone call mistakes to avoid making to assure you don’t veer off course. First, have something to say. This can be difficult if you are shy and the two of you met online and have moved on to the phone call stage. Instead, practice conversing on the phone. Think about what you know of this person. What interests do you have in common? What are the new breakthroughs or news happening in those fields? Perhaps look it up. Are they interested in certain kinds of movies, music? Are they spiritual? Do they dance, play an instrument, speak a foreign language or sing in a choir? Get to know as much as you can about them from their profile, social media, and if you know them in person their friends, family, coworkers, people they previously dated and anyone else. Do a Google search, and slip things into conversation very subtly and casually. You will be silver tongued if you know what subjects interest the person.

If you can’t think of anything to talk about, ask them a questions about themselves. No one likes better than talking about themselves, it’s a subject they know a lot about and have a lot of enthusiasm for. Ask them cute questions like who was there first kiss or their first crush. Ask them what their dreams are. Ask if they’ve ever traveled. Ask what the first kind of car they drove is, if they have siblings, or if they’ve ever moved. Another problem is playing phone tag. You keep different hours. You keep calling when it’s convenient for you and they call when it’s convenient for them. But you feel like two people just constantly leaving voicemails for one another. Instead, take a long lunch, go to bed later or do whatever you have to, to call at the right time. If you set up a phone date don’t forget. This is one of the worst things you can do. It says to the person that you don’t care about their schedule or they aren’t important. It’s a sign of disrespect. Instead, write yourself a note, put an alarm on your phone and have a reminder note on the bathroom mirror. This way you won’t forget. If you do forget send them flowers, or an e-card and they’ll forgive you. Lastly, ask your potential date a lot of questions. Listen intently to them and show signs that you’ve been listening. Don’t be distracted; give them your full attention. And know when to go. Don’t hang on to uncomfortable silences. Instead, leave them wanting more. For more advice, read Love Talk Starters: 275 Questions to get your Conversations Going by Les and Leslie Parrott.

The Only Relationship Advice You’ll Ever Need

The Only Relationship Advice You’ll Ever Need

The Only Relationship Advice You’ll Ever Need

Sometimes you feel like you like or even love someone so much but you don’t know what to do to show it, or to impress them or to keep them happy enough to be a part of your life. Lots of relationships fall into ruts. Everyone gets busy with careers, kids, school and so much more. We start taking each other and the relationship itself for granted. Everything seems like an emergency. By the time you realize that you’ve kept putting your relationship on the backburner for other things; it feels stale. But there’s hope. There’s a way, whether it be in the beginning of a relationship or after many years of marriage, to keep things fresh, vibrant and alive.

Here’s the only relationship advice you’ll ever need:

(Best of all, it’s online on a relationship blog, so it’s free!)

Just spend a little time each day, and a little more now and then trying to make them feel special. Make being considerate and thoughtful part of your everyday routine. Thank your partner or spouse for what they contribute, even if you have mutually decided that it is their responsibility anyway. A heartfelt thank you can do wonders. Make sure it’s authentic and comes from the heart or they may accuse you of being sarcastic and then you will undermine the very atmosphere you wish to build in your relationship. You want to make them feel warm, fuzzy, loved and appreciated so that when they do they’ll turn all those good feelings back onto you, and you will create a virtuous circle of gratitude in your relationship.  First, consider what things you can say or what thoughtful gestures might be both authentic and appropriate. Go for things that are meaningful and thoughtful. You want to touch their heart.

Why not give them a call or a text in the middle of the day just to tell them how much you love them, ask how their day is going or send them something a little steamy? Write a little love note and slip it into their briefcase or jacket pocket. Write them a love letter or even an email. If you are creative, a poem, a song, a short story with them in it, or if you are artistic a piece dedicated to them will do the trick. What a grand gesture! And what might they do in return? Don’t say anything about that angle. If they think you did this gesture merely to get some payback it will make the whole thing go sour and ruin the atmosphere you are wishing to create. Instead, don’t mention it at all. If they are worth your time they will definitely get you back. If not, there is always good karma coming your way. Who couldn’t use that?

Oftentimes we notice something our significant other does that we like or enjoy but we hold our tongue. For some reason we fail to say anything about it. Learn to pay your lover those compliments you think in your head but don’t say out loud. Don’t think they’ll get a big ego over it. Instead it will make them feel more secure, and bonded to you, a great thing to have in a relationship. If you think they look sexy in a certain shirt or without one, that their new haircut compliments their face, that the way they give a little speech at a friend’s wedding was touching or if you just like how they handle the kids, let them know. Make sure your compliments and gratitude fit. Don’t go overboard. Make sure it sounds sincere. Positive feedback can go a long way. You’ll notice when you start doing this that they’ll do it, too. The mood in your relationship will be lighter and you’ll be happier, more buoyant and more playful.

Smile at your mate. Hug and kiss them, hold their hand and show them physical affection. You don’t have to go overboard if you two aren’t the touchy feely type or if it makes your partner uncomfortable. Just do what is right, comfortable, natural and acceptable. Flirt with your partner here and there. Make them feel as attractive as you find them. Let them know you are interested in what they are interested in. When you find an article, a book, a movie, a CD or whatever they might be interested in, get it for them as a present. If you don’t have any money, wrap up your old copy and give it to them. Send them internet links of things they are interested in. Keep repeating this generosity until you are riding a wave of reciprocal gratitude. For more, pick up a copy of Attitudes of Gratitude in Love: Creating More Joy in Your Relationship by M. J. Ryan.