If he’s got these in his Search History, Delete Him

Online-Flirting-Is-Cheating

If he’s got these in his Search History, Delete Him

We are all guilty of looking at things we shouldn’t on the internet from time to time. But there are certain things that cross the line. Respect and trust need to exist in any relationship for it to be healthy and happy. But there are just certain things a husband or boyfriend shouldn’t be seeking out. If he’s got these websites in his search history, delete him from your life or expect trouble the next time you sign on to his shenanigans. It’s perfectly normal for a guy to seek out some porn. They are guys, they are going to look. But if you happen to find an over-obsessive amount, this is a deal breaker. It may mean he’s addicted to porn. He could then have trouble pleasing you.

Another phenomenon that is occurring, guys who expect their wives and girlfriends to act like porn stars in the bedroom. While you may be all about exploring your kinky side, just understand that the women in these films never get their needs met. So if you want him to go down south, or you wish to explore some of your own fantasies, you’d better come right out and talk about it or it could all be over. Another deal breaker in this realm is porn that is too extreme. Sure he may have a fetish which you enjoy or are at least willing to accommodate. But if you find out he’s really into some sick stuff, it’s time to hit the road. Next thing you know he’ll want to bring some of that stuff into the bedroom. FYI, if you’re up for it, a little bit of good quality porn between consenting adults can actually stimulate your love life form time to time.

If he’s been on dating sites since you two have become an item, get rid of him. He’s a player, a narcissist; he’s self-absorbed and doesn’t care about your feelings. He’s looking to cheat. One side note, make sure you two have verbalized that you are in a committed relationship. Some girls just assume. If you haven’t said it, it isn’t true. When you are only dating you can’t expect him to shut down his dating profile. You never know what might happen. He’s keeping his options open or still deciding on you. You may be in the same phase. But if you’ve said the three little words, be mine only and they said yes, then this guy is a heartless scumbag. He’ll give you a line of crap. If you fall for it, he’ll cheat on you anyway, and you’ll be in more pain and hate yourself worse for failing to see through his jive.

If your man has a long history of surfing gay websites, you need to confront him about it. There’s nothing wrong with different sexual orientations. If you fantasize about having two guys, and the relationship doesn’t mean that much to you emotionally, you may find it exhilarating. Otherwise, your man may run off with another man. How will you feel then? If you find him on Ashley Madison or some other type of cheating website, sign off on this relationship. He’s a cheater and a sneak. For help moving on if or when your break up read, You Didn’t Want Him Anyway: Get Over Any Man in 5 Simple Steps by Claire Casey.

How do you know if you’re Just Settling?

Angry

How do you know if you’re Just Settling?

When we first get into someone there’s that tingly, rush of excitement we get down deep in the belly. We get caught in this electric net whenever we see them, or get a call or text message. But after a while a long-term relationship gets comfortable. About four or five years out experts say is when a lot of trouble begins. We all get caught up in our routines. Sometimes a relationship gets old and needs a little spicing up. At other times we are discovering our partner more deeply and with it more incongruities arise. They need to be dealt with or new channels of modes of communication are required in order to keep things moving when we get stuck on thorny issues. This can get tiresome. But then there are times when we are with someone where things don’t really fit. We put up with it because we want to be in a relationship or appreciate the person’s finer qualities, but just can’t get past this certain thing or set of things about them. So how do you know if you’re just settling or if this is a relationship that needs a little tweaking? How do you know when things need a little more work or you’re just settling?

Sometimes it’s a good idea to get away from your significant other, even if it’s just for a short time so they are not influencing you. If you can, spend time with yourself, clear your mind and try and see the relationship from another angle. Others like to talk to close friends or a mentor and get a beat on what they think. Sometimes a little insight from someone close to your heart is all you need to refresh your outlook. Then there are those people who simply draw a line down the middle of a sheet of paper and list the good qualities of the relationship on one side and the bad qualities on the other. Evaluate how you feel generally with this person. Are they difficult to be around? Does respect dwell here? Is this relationship fulfilling most of the time? Does it make you happy? Is it weighing you down or lifting you up? Do you see no way of bringing it back? A relationship should bring out our best, not force us to seek solitude in work or other pursuits. If you feel more comfortable away from this person than in their presence, this is your sign.

What about your habits of mind? Are you constantly saying to yourself that your relationship isn’t that bad, and citing worse ones? Have you tried and tried again without any impact? What about the other person. Have they been trying to change and to communicate better to help bridge the gaps between you? Do you think if you wait it out, someday your partner will have a clue? Wishful wanting without any clear indication from the other partner is one of the symptoms of settling. Do you feel sorry for your partner? Usually, the person we love is one we respect, even admire. It’s hard to love someone you feel sorry for. There are those who stay in bad relationships simply because they are afraid of being alone. But then they have their own issues to work out which are coming through into the relationship. Today, we don’t have to stay with someone we don’t love. There are so many options no matter what your age, deal or preferences. Women especially may be prone to the settling syndrome. According to evolutionary anthropologists, women in the Stone Age settled because they may not have had the chance to mate again, being hunter-gatherers wandering in small bands. But in the modern age we have eHarmony and Tinder. So evaluate carefully. But realize that the answer may come, as all important ones do, when you least expect it. If you do decide to go down that road after healing read, How To Get A Date Worth Keeping: Be Dating In Six Months Or Your Money Back by Henry Cloud.

Why do we Pick So-So Partners over Perfect Ones?

RELATIONSHIP-FIGHT

Why do we Pick So-So Partners over Perfect Ones?

We’ve all been there. We meet someone perfect for us and we blow it. Why didn’t I ever ask her out, we think? Or why didn’t I flirt with him more? We all have someone, the person who might have been, who slipped through our fingers or who we had a chance with and never pursued. But then when we look at our relationships, some of us find that we ended up settling time and again. When you come to the realization that your love life is just one okay match after another, never the mind-blowing RomCom ending most of us want, we start to ask questions. So why is that? Why do we pick so-so partners over perfect ones? Michigan State University researchers think they have the answer. They say it has to do with an evolutionary bias located deep within our genes. It has to do with what scientists call risk aversion. Both humans and animals have it. This is how we avoid danger but also how we evaluate situations which have the most chance of success and which are the most risky, ergo lowering our chance at survival.

In this study researchers created a computer simulation that mimicked the bands of our early Stone Age ancestors roaming in groups of no more than 150 people. They investigated how the behaviors of this community worked and adapted over thousands of generations. Researchers found that the populations who were more risk adverse had better chances at survival. This included what mates they selected. If they decided to hold out for a supposed higher quality mate, they miss an opportunity to be with someone that was available. That person may slip away without them even having a chance to hook up with them or the lover of their dreams. This phenomenon hangs on in the modern dating scene. But in evolutionary terms, missing a chance to mate may be missing a chance to have offspring and thus of passing on your genes. Researchers say resources were scarce back then, including available mates. Today our social networks are much larger. Our dating prospects are far better. Yet we slip into this Stone Age pattern of settling for less. Take into account internet dating and the choices are seemingly endless. But how can we overcome this settle-for-less genetic predisposition which has been so ingrained in us throughout history?

Dr. Helen Fischer is a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University. She says that online dating is just another platform for the same courtship ritual that’s played out over millennia. A young man who is interested in the young woman across the campfire in the ancient days may not have known her. But in conversations with cousins, aunts, sisters and others he knows in the village, he can find out her name, if she is happy most of the time, if she is a dreamer, if she would make a loyal wife and more. Lead author of the Michigan University group Arend Hintze says for our ancient ancestors the choice was stark, either mate now with an inferior mate or wait for Mr. or Ms. Perfect who may never come. For most to risk their future according to Dr. Hintze there needed to be a high payoff. Of course some are more risk averse than others.  Evolution makes a diversity of individuals, some thrill seekers who dare to try for someone “out of their league.” So how can you use this to your own advantage? Whenever you feel yourself setting down, or come to the realization that you have with someone who doesn’t make your heart do somersaults, reconsider the situation. You’ll be doing the same ancient dance, weighing the risks and benefits. But this time you’ll know who you are, and have the benefit of modern technology to find the right person for you. For a little help in that last department pick up a copy of, Love at First Click: The Ultimate Guide to Online Dating by Laurie Davis.

Ways not to Address Weight Loss with your Partner

dieting-while-dating

Ways not to Address Weight Loss with your Partner

Lots of couples, especially cohabitating or married partners who are very comfortable with one another, have one person who needs to address the weight issues of another. It isn’t merely superficial, although your lover is a reflection of you. It isn’t generally meant to be mean or inconsiderate. It’s because being overweight is bad for your health and they care about their partner. That said, these people often go about it in the wrong manner. So instead of changing their partner’s behavior, perhaps the partner consumes more or takes part in even more unhealthful behavior, like smoking or drinking more due to relationship related stress.

You don’t need some master deception, you don’t need to start writing them checks or doing them favors, and pleading or giving ultimatums are all unlikely to change your partner’s eating habits, exercise regimen and overall health consciousness. Here are some likely scenarios to avoid when addressing weight loss and better ways to do it instead. First, don’t flat out say that they look heavier or have been gaining weight. Instead, start to think about or notice what the cause might be for sudden weight gain. Do they have a thyroid issue? Or is it due to emotional eating, like eating to relieve stress for instance?

Instead of shutting them down with “You’ve gained a lot of weight” ask “Are you okay? Is there something you want to talk about?” Studies have shown that open communication about a problem has curbed emotional eating. When you approach a partner like this it becomes okay to talk about and the problem may in fact be solved. Don’t tell your partner what not to eat. If you see them reaching for the chips instead of a piece of fruit, your statement will feel as though you are judging them. They’ll feel bad about it and it will cause resentment in the relationship. Couples have been known to stop being intimate, stop talking to one another and even split up or get divorced simply due to one person’s monitoring of the other’s diet. Instead of making this kind of statement, why not introduce your lover to healthful alternatives? Salsa and hummus for instance are much healthier than cheese dip or spinach dip. Fruit and vegetables can be made ready to eat in the house. Put out a fruit bowl. Wash and prepare healthy snacks and put them in the fridge. If you introduce your significant other to a healthy alternative, they will likely go for that instead.

In the end, it’s important to love and be there for your partner. Don’t be there parent or cop, be there by their side. Offer them support, caring, nurturing and encouragement. Offer solutions, requests and alternatives instead of demands and you’ll see a whole new partner, trim and healthy, and ready to thank you. For more relationship advice read, Reboot Your Relationship: Restoring Love through Real Communication in a Disconnected World by Joe Whitcomb and Savannah Ellis.

Things Change once you hit your Thirties

WOMEN-WORKING

Things Change once you hit your Thirties

The teen years and college are really young, fun, carefree good times. You kind of expect those times to last. But after college and especially once you hit your thirties, things change. For one there seems to be a black hole between college and the present moment. You think, “What happened to the last two, three, five years?” But you still feel young. And your bank account doesn’t look much better today than it did back then. “People” and by that we mean your parents start to wonder why you are still single. They verbally express that wonder out loud, embarrassingly. And this phenomenon surprisingly affects men and women, though women far more often. You don’t have to be married at any particular time. The elevated divorce rate alone, not to mention how hard it is to carve a place out for yourself in the world nowadays, is enough of an explanation. Lots of people are overwhelmed about dating and relationships in their thirties. Married people have a fear of missing out due to the single’s explosion via internet dating. Singles fear being alone forever.

Lots of people today in their thirties are so busy, they can’t see straight. Many don’t have time for dating, dealing mostly with the demands of a career. Some have kids which is even doubly time consuming, though more than worth it to see their cherub, smiling faces and those beautiful laughs. Still, finding time to squeeze dating in can be difficult. Lots of people in their thirties, if not married, are taking part in the hookup culture like those purported with the millennial generation. Others are cohabitating forever, fearing a messy and maniacal divorce such as their parents had in droves in the 1970’s and 1980’s. Those who are single and childless in their thirties will open up Facebook occasionally and think to themselves “Is this nothing but baby pictures?”

Sometimes folks in their third decade of life will try and replicate a time, an outfit, a style or a stance from a previous decade in their life, say the late teens or their twenties. This will not be pulled off, in fact it will just be at the tip of inappropriate. Instead, adopt something that’s young but a little more adult. No one is really forever 21. In fact, why not embrace the whole new, adult you? There are so many things better in your thirties than they were back then. Sex is definitely better. Most people know themselves and how things work much better and have gotten rid of their anxieties and awkward feelings. If you are single, there is a stock of great catches out there to be had like never before. And if you are in a long-term relationship, you are probably reaching the point of true intimacy, one of love’s and life’s greatest gifts. For more advice read, 30 and Single: Your Guide to Living a Fulfilled Life While Waiting by Crystal Hall.