Should You Stay with Someone Who Doesn’t Want to Get Married?

long term

Should You Stay with Someone Who Doesn’t Want to Get Married?

Sometimes you are at a point in a relationship where you are so in love, everything seems perfect. You and your partner have been together for quite some time and you are expecting things to progress. But when you broach the idea of marriage, the other person gets anxious or defensive. Perhaps they don’t believe in marriage. Maybe they’ve been down that road before. Or maybe you get a noncommittal “we’ll be married, someday” without a hard date to count on. If you are with someone who is eluding your efforts to get married, or just says they don’t believe in it, while you do, what do you do? You could hand them an ultimatum, either marry me or I will find someone who will. But that usually doesn’t end well. Should you stay with someone who doesn’t want to get married? That depends on a number of factors. First, are they against marriage in total or just marrying you? If the relationship is mutually beneficial, warm, open, loving and stable but marriage is against your partner’s personal philosophy then you can negotiate and come to some sort of compromise. If this person is just biding their time with you until someone better comes along then this person is not the one for you.

Another important thing to do is to search your feelings about marriage. Why is it that you feel as though you need to get married? For some, it has something to do with their culture or religion. Others are being pressured by a family member. It could be something you have always dreamed of. Or it might be because all of your friends have gotten married. Start to uncover what your real feelings are about getting married and why you feel that way. It will give you a better perspective on why it is so important to you and how to address the issue. If you just want to walk down the aisle, have a great reception and be the center of attention, think of the aftermath. You are supposed to spend decades of life with this person, living side-by-side. So you want to make sure your desire to get married is genuine. Then consider the person themselves. Is this who you really want to spend the rest of your life with? Do they love you? Are they supportive? What’s the communication situation like? How is the sex? If you were both thrown into a crisis situation together, would your relationship make it through? You don’t want to set yourself up for divorce.

Don’t just wait around for a proposal and brood. That will never make it happen. If you’ve still decided this person is right for you, discuss all the insights that you’ve come to with your partner. Don’t pressure them with an ultimatum. They will probably pull away from you. That won’t get you anywhere. Instead, slowly get your partner used to the notion. Introduce things subtly and make the idea seem like theirs. British psychologist Anjula Mutanda says to ask your partner, “If we were to get married, what would be your ideal way of doing it?” Agree with their answer and make it sound as if you are very impressed. Keep subtly moving things along like this and see if you get anywhere. If you want to take a more straightforward approach, sit them down in a comfortable place when you are both in a good mood. Make sure it is free of distractions. Compliment your partner and tell them what they’ve done right and what personality traits you adore about them. Tell them how close you feel to them and how much the relationship means to you. Let them know the reasons why you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Explain to them in a calm manner why marriage is so important to you and why you want that person to be them. Tell them you aren’t pressuring them or giving them an ultimatum. Let them know that you can make each other so happy. And then give them time to think about your thoughts and feelings and let the matter drop. Don’t blame. Don’t be defensive. Instead, use a positive, complimentary and romantic approach. If they still refuse to marry you, you’ll have to be ready to either move on or settle for not ever being married. But if they really love you and you were meant to be together, you two will find a way forward. For tips on being extremely persuasive in your quest read, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert B. Cialdini.

Do Guys Care what you wear on a Date?

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Do Guys Care what you wear on a Date?

Almost anyone who has known a single woman about to go out on a date knows there is often no end to her fashion indecision. The bed will be covered with clothes, the ceiling fan and the closet door with hangers and still she has nothing to wear. Is this too girly? Too demure? Too playful? Too racy? What outfit will send the right message? What will make her look sophisticated, attractive and drop dead gorgeous? But any woman that’s asked a man what she should wear or how she looks knows that it is, more often than not, a complete waste of time.

Generally they have no idea and, even though they care about her and her problem, they really aren’t interested in the outfit unless it’s to cater to his needs. But if men don’t care what a woman wears, within reason, do guys care what you wear on a date? Match.com recently did a survey on this very topic. 76% of over 2,000 male respondents polled didn’t care what a woman wore. A skirt or pants? The choice didn’t faze them. Either one was fine. Instead, wear the outfit that is right for you.

Make sure you pick something that fits the venue you are going to or the social occasion. Also realize how revealing the clothes you pick are and what message that sends. There are certainly skirts that are risqué while others are plain and prudent. Tight pants with a low waist are sexy but also suggestive. To men generally, the outfit isn’t so important. As long as she looks great and fits in to the activity, situation or place. If it’s a first date, you may want to pick something that really accentuates your personality. Don’t wear something more professional if you are a free spirit. Send out your hippie vibe and see if he responds. If you are more the uptight type, don’t dress down to prove that you can be fun and relaxed. This isn’t you. And you’ll have more trouble later keeping up appearances.

It’s important to be yourself and project who you are so that the person can recognize that and see if that is what they are attracted to. If you aren’t yourself you are doing your date and yourself a great disservice. Lastly, realize that the guy is just as nervous about his outfit as you are about yours. He may not have all the fashion nuances but if he’s any type of man he will want to fit the environment, but also impress you too. “You look great” isn’t only for women. Let him know if he did a good job, even if his shirt doesn’t match his shoes. For more advice read, Comfortable in Your Own Shoes: The Building of A Confident Woman- Confidence Workbook- Dating Advice for Women by Gregg Michaelsen.

Want to be Attractive? Be a Nonconformist

nonconformist

Want to be Attractive? Be a Nonconformist

It’s the guy who plays guitar and rides a motorcycle, or the spritely minx who shows a little skin and sports that daring tattoo. It’s the musicians, artists, actors and activists. Those mavericks with the devil may cry attitude. They shake their fist at society and takeoff, blazing their own trail, and mowing down whatever stands in their way. Those rebels, loners, artists and performers, they take our breath away. They are our adolescent crushes adorning teenage rooms in posters. The stars change from one generation to the next, but the attitude is the same. Their loving eyes fall upon us and tell us, yes we are special and can go our own way too. Hand-in-hand we imagine laughing at the dullards as we take off on wild adventures together with our very own teenage crush. So if you want to be attractive, there’s an easy way. Be a rebel, also known as a nonconformist.

Of course, lots of sitcom episodes teach us that any character that isn’t true to him or herself falls flat on their face, and hilarity ensues. Don’t let that be you. But a bigger question remains. Why are we so instantly attracted to the ones who at a moment’s notice break all the rules, and grin from ear-to-ear while doing it? University of Queensland psychologist Matthew Hornsey asked himself this question. He set out to on a series of experiments to find why nonconformists exude sex appeal.

The first thing Hornsey and his team found out was that nonconformists were attractive across both genders. It’s a general misconception that men prefer conformists. A large number of women try all their lives to fit in. But they do so to their detriment, at least as far as dating goes. So how did Hornsey come about this information? He conducted a total of five studies. The first had 115 college students as participants. Here, they were asked to rank the attractiveness of 20 profiles. They had to say how attractive they themselves found the person in the profile, as well as how the opposite sex would rank them. In each profile’s statement there was tailored in a unique way either a conformist or nonconformist statement. They said things like, “She is happy to go along with what others are doing,” versus, “She enjoys time to herself rather than going along with others.” Researchers found that the majority overwhelmingly chose nonconformist profiles more attractive, no matter their sex. Hornsey and his team were doubly surprised that women tended to act conformist in the company of men, when clearly the results of their study showed that women were more attractive when they were nonconformist. Researchers wrote that this was a holdover belief from an era when, “women were expected to be submissive, modest, subdued, agreeable.” The results of Hornsey’s work was published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. To learn how to be a nonconformist read, The Art of Non-Conformity: Set Your Own Rules, Live the Life You Want, and Change the World by Chris Guillebeau.

How to take your Girlfriend to a Gentlemen’s Club

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How to take your Girlfriend to a Gentlemen’s Club

Lots of guys think that they can’t take their girlfriend to a gentlemen’s club.  Truth is some girls are totally down, but your timing has to be right. The circumstances too have to be good. Don’t spring it on her on the way to a funeral, or after work when she’s tired. But if the two of you are bored and staring at each other over a couple of salads on a Saturday night, it might be a fun way to spice things up. There are some things you’d best watch out for. Here is how to take your girlfriend to a gentlemen’s club.

First, don’t tell her once you’ve pulled into the parking lot. Break the idea in advance. Feel it out. If she has any bi-curiosity, bring this up. Let her know that you think it’s hot that she thinks it’s hot. Tell her you want to get all turned on there, come home and make passionate love to her, use it as a way to get to ecstasy. The sale of orgasmic bliss may just be enough to push her over the edge. If it’s about ogling other women, she may or may not be down. But if it’s about her, her enjoyment and her fantasies, she just may be your designated driver.

Don’t get hammered however, or you are likely to make a fool of yourself and ruin any chances of further trips to the strip club. Once there, see if she’s interested in a lap dance. Now if you care about this woman at all, for the love of all that is good in this world, do not take her to the seedy, greasy neighborhood strip club. Don’t take her to a dive. Not only will she not enjoy it, and tell others about it, you will lessen your chances of getting some real hot action later. And who would do that? Find a place she’d like to go to. Show her their web page. Send her some links and ask which one she prefers. Write her dirty texts or emails saying what you will see, and what you will do to her afterward. It’s especially important to talk to her about it a week in advance, and perhaps the day before.

Remember to approach it right, telling her how hot it will be. Maybe you won’t even take her home but have her right in the backseat in the parking lot. How hot would that be? Women get turned on by being desired. And if you hint at the frenzy of passion you will enact upon her, she’ll be so turned on you might even get some action beforehand. Whatever you do never ever compare your girlfriend to the strippers. It will never sound complimentary. Don’t act like you are not at a strip club. You are. Relax and enjoy it and she will too. Be a little bit classy. Ask if it’s okay that you get a lap dance, and perhaps buy her one at the same time. Use it as a fantasy builder for her and you will ultimately reap all the benefits. For more advice on enhancing your sex life read, Spice up Your Marriage: A 28-Day Adventure by Hallie Lord.

Insulate your Relationship against Infidelity

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Insulate your Relationship against Infidelity

We all know what infidelity is, but when asked for specifics it can be hard to define and varies from person to person. Some people think a little natural flirting is completely innocent while others think it crosses the line. The definition has further been blurred by smart phones, social networking sites, texting and email which separate us from our real world decisions and make things we may not say offline much easier to do online or via text. So how can you insulate your relationship against infidelity and give it the best chances of succeeding, particularly in the digital age? First, you and your partner should sit down at some point after you verbally decide to become monogamous. When you are officially a couple talk about what cheating actually is. For instance, it’s normal for guys to look at other women. But if he’s staring at someone and ignoring the lady across the table from him, this is a no-no. Texting or emailing anything sexual to the opposite sex is probably off limits. The lines blend when it comes to close colleagues at work, or longtime friends of the opposite sex. How will this work? Is sharing secrets with a friend or work colleague before your significant other cheating for instance? That’s something for the two of you to work out.

When you decide to be monogamous, don’t just think about how your romantic partner feels, consider your own vow. You’ve made a promise to be the caretaker of this person’s heart. Monogamy doesn’t mean giving up your freedom. You have the freedom to choose to be monogamous, to choose to be in a relationship at all. It is a free decision you make yourself to be true to this person and honor your promise or not. It’s really all up to you. When feelings bubble up that make you question or waver in your decision, before acting upon them talk to your partner. Don’t make rules that your partner can’t follow. He or she will just get upset with these rules and all the rules will sooner or later become invalidated. Make sure rules make sense. If there are underlying anxieties or self-esteem issues attached to one partner’s desire to make constricting rules, perhaps these issues should be discussed and brought out into the open. Parameters both people can live with and operate comfortably under should be set in motion. One of the most important things to exist for a healthy relationship to occur is mutual trust. When trust and respect are worn away the relationship is no longer healthy and infidelity may occur. Don’t lie to your partner. Always tell the truth. Hurting your trust bond will put the relationship into a tailspin. Always maintain yourself, your independence and the values that are most important to you. You may be in a relationship but never give up who you are and don’t ask your partner to either. For more advice, read What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver.