Don’t let a Selfish Partner Hurt you

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Don’t let a Selfish Partner Hurt you

It may be hard to recognize the selfish, at least at first. Oftentimes they are social butterflies. Everyone loves and adores them. And everyone wants to cater to them, including you. But as time goes on and the charm starts to wear, as you get to peek more and more below the surface sometimes you start to see that this person’s whole world revolves around them. There isn’t room for you at all. You find yourself giving more and more, but they never return your energy or affection like they should. Instead, they suck you dry like a psychic vampire.

Don’t let a selfish partner hurt you. First, realize when a person is selfish and when you haven’t communicated your needs with them fully. Perhaps they don’t know what you want or how to fulfil your needs. Be patient. Communicate in lots of ways. See if they have a need to fulfill your desires but don’t know how to go about it. Help them. If they find excuses or are too resistant chances are they are selfish. But oftentimes one person in a relationship thinks the other should automatically know what they want. No one automatically knows what anyone wants. It isn’t a sign of love or not loving. It just means you have to learn to communicate your needs effectively.

Next, consider what the speech or behavior they are exhibiting is and if it is in fact selfish. What things do you do for them? Make a list. See what things they do for you. How does the list measure up? Some people look to date those that they can manipulate to get their own needs, wants and desires fulfilled without any concern or regard for the other person. Does this sound familiar? In a normal relationship the power dynamic is equal. But if you never do what you want to do, never go to the restaurants you want, never see the movie you want, never visit your family, and always undercut your desires to that of your partner, that person is indeed selfish. Your partner is probably convinced of how great they are and how lucky you are to have them. They think you need them and should get down on your knees and thank the heavens for putting them in your life. Talk about nerve.

If you think you are constantly being manipulated by a selfish person and no matter how many times you confront them, or try to get them to change, they don’t, make plans to end the relationship. Start drifting from them physically and emotionally. Detach from them. If they start freaking out show them the behavior you have to put up with. Use their words against them. Make it really uncomfortable for them. Then approach them about splitting up. Chances are they will be happy about it by then. No one wants to be in a relationship where they aren’t having fun, where they are being used. So turn the tables on them with coldness and you will have your freedom soon enough. For more advice read, Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans.

How Can You Tell if Someone Likes You Or Just Wants to Get in your Pants?

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How Can You Tell if Someone Likes You Or Just Wants to Get in your Pants?

It happens when you least expect it. You meet someone and you can’t get them out of your mind. But what are their intentions? Though it does occasionally happen to guys, most of the time it’s the woman wondering whether he just wants to get in her pants or if he really likes her. Usually, this guy knows all the right things to say. You flirt easily and have a great rapport. The chemistry is real and it’s powerful. But in either case this could be true. So how can you tell? It’s in his actions as to whether he really wants to spend time with you or if he just wants to spend some time pressed up against you. Analyze the situation carefully and you can see through any player’s cover. First, how do you mainly interact? Are you constantly texting, emailing each other little articles you read online that remind you of one another and talking on the phone late into the night? Or do you mostly text and he drops off or disappears here and there, always reappearing with some catastrophe he dealt with or well-tailored excuse? If it’s the latter, you should watch your heart.

When you talk what do you talk about? If all he talks about is himself and he’s never inquired about your history, your likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams and more personal stuff, chances are he isn’t that interested. Guys who like you want to get to know the real you. They will go out of their way to show you that they remember something about you. A link on your page, a phrase or joke you share, a little thoughtful gift or a mention of something you are interested in such as your favorite band coming to town, or your team winning a game will show that he really cares. If there’s no personal touch, he doesn’t want to get personal, just physical. Have you ever met his friends? Or does he steer you clear of his crew? Guys who like you want to see how you interact with their friends. He wants to know if you can fit in with his circle, and vice-versa. But those that just want to get between your thighs don’t want to risk their circle looking down on them, so there will always be an excuse as to why you can’t tag along.

Do you pick him up, go to his place? Do you always go out of your way for him? Does it run in the other direction too? If not, he’s just not that into you. A guy who really likes you will make an effort. But if it’s all about him, or he isn’t that interested, he may not think twice about taking advantage of your time, money and more. When you hang out is all his attention on you or is he constantly distracted? If he likes you his focus will be on you. If he doesn’t it will be on his phone, his great fashion sense or daydreaming about getting your clothes off and what he will find underneath. Does he make last minute plans with you, or break plans last minute? If he doesn’t respect your time he doesn’t respect you.  Does he drop hints or make jokes about not wanting or not liking relationships? This is a red flag. Sometimes he could drop hints that he is only interested in a physical thing. If he is eager to get physical with you, to kiss and touch you he may only have one thing on his mind. Of course these days wanting a mere physical interchange isn’t considered wrong. But it could be wrong for some. Decide what kind of relationship you want. Otherwise, you may find you misinterpreted the situation and end up heartbroken. For more on interpreting the male of the species read, To Date a Man, You Must Understand a Man: The Keys to Catch a Great Guy by Gregg Michaelsen.

How Available Should You Make Yourself for Someone You Like?

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How Available Should You Make Yourself for Someone You Like?

In comedian Aziz Ansari’s Live at Madison Square Garden standup special on Netflix, he talks about a common problem many of us who are single often run into, scheduling inconsistencies and how to bridge them. Oftentimes, we start texting with someone. There is a mutual interest. But since many don’t date one-on-one anymore, but meet in groups of friends instead, scheduling a meetup becomes nearly impossible. By the time one group arrives at said bar or club, the other has already moved on. Each side is too afraid to show any real interest. They are each apprehensive of making themselves too available and so lowering their market value. But without accommodating one another or by making the social paradigm so intricate, it becomes almost impossible for the two to get together. Some decry this new paradigm. Others say that when things are right, they will just fall together. But is that true?

Certainly those social butterflies who come complete with an entourage will want to dovetail their newfound love into the fold. But what happens when two people have an entourage? Perhaps you can combine them into a might army. Otherwise, this social paradigm is prohibitive. Rather than a way to take the pressure off, show a person’s social standing and benefiting from that, they are shutting the other out before seeing whether they have something together, before anything can even begin. So what’s the alternative? Certainly you shouldn’t make yourself too available. But others get caught up in the winds of their own social microcosm and miss what could be a terrific romantic opportunity. Consider keeping your options open for one or two nights per week. A little flexibility is required. But if you are bending over backwards without reciprocity, move on. Also think about seeing this person without your other friends, or if that makes you cringe even a smaller subset than the normal group. It’s okay to go on an old-fashioned date now and then too. You don’t have to look like a movie star with a huge following. But alone, if things go awry your friends aren’t there to see it, which is a huge plus.

You could bring up something you both are interested in. Say you are both movie fans and looking forward to the premiere of a certain independent film. You can just invite them because you share a common interest. It’s somewhere you would have been anyway. You can play a little hard to get. But don’t be unavailable or unapproachable either. You may look intimidating, even arrogant. It’s hard to strike a balance. There’s a feel to it. You want to telegraph interest without being too interested. The problem today is people try so hard not to look needy that they end up looking completely uninterested. For ladies, though we live in a more enlightened time, it’s often the case that a man likes to chase you. So play a little hard to get, but give a clear opening to allow him a place to move forward. Also, evaluate how shy he is or how perceptive. Sometimes guys miss what to women seems obvious. You might think you gave him a chance when he didn’t even recognize it. Experimentation is the only way to figure it out, trial and error. For guys, watch her carefully, get to know her and woo her. When things are right, they usually fall into place. But sometimes you have to goose things along a little bit. If you’re doing all the goosing though without anything from the other end, go out with your friends instead. This person is not worth your time. For more on the state of love today read, Modern Dating: A Field Guide by Chiara Atik.

Signs your Lover is a Narcissist

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Signs your Lover is a Narcissist

Sure, confidence can be sexy. But narcissism is way too much of a good thing. You can’t build intimacy with a narcissist. They refuse to let anyone in and be vulnerable. Without vulnerability there is no intimacy, what most of us call love. Usually narcissists take and take, without giving anything in return. They are the center of the universe and you are lucky just to be associated as their partner and should do everything in your power to keep them happy. Though there is a rumor that all narcissists are sex addicts or substance abusers, this is patently false. There are many who are not. Narcissism exists on a spectrum. This is the new way of thinking about lots of psychological disorders actually.

Narcissists have a grandiose sense of themselves. They are conceited, self-centered, who are completely unaware or disinterested in the needs of others around them, including those in their relationship. On the outer edges, narcissists lack total empathy. They are opportunists who will do anything to get ahead at others’ expense. Though they may seem vein and full of themselves, in fact narcissists use this façade to cover up a tremendously low self-esteem, self-image and self-worth. In this case, they will lash out ferociously at anyone who diminishes or goes against their opinion or wishes. Though someone may be conceited, these can have healthy relationships. Narcissists can’t. Here are the signs that your lover is a narcissist.

Narcissists need the focus to be on them, constantly. Any little thought, gesture or compliment is only to appease you in an effort to refocus on the narcissist. These can be very manipulative sorts. Once they get their hooks in you, you soon realize that everything is about them and every move you make, yourself or in your relationship, is to please them, or to make sure that they don’t become displeased. Anyone the narcissist is attached to is extraordinary. They are a reflection of them after all. So they must be. That includes you. It’s important to the narcissist that you reflect upon them appropriately.

A narcissist is forever demanding. They will control you in overt or covert ways to get what they want. They have an agenda that everyone must follow. If they feel they are challenged or contradicted in any way, they will explode. It is hard to have one’s true needs or feelings heard by a narcissist. Challengers will be cut to the quick, and the narcissist may feel repressed anger at this person moving forward. If you don’t feed their ego, you are no longer of consequence to them and they will cut you loose. If you no longer reflect their glory or perfection you will get tossed aside as a liability. For more get yourself a copy of, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson.

The Kind of Relationship that drives you Crazy

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Are you stuck in a one-sided relationship? You know, the kind of relationship that drives you crazy all the time? This is the type where one person is always beating down or dominating the other. But if they are manipulative, they do it in such a way that makes you wonder and second guess whether or not your original summation was true. Soon your head is spinning out of control. You’re angry and upset and you know your partner is at the root of the problem. But you can’t exactly follow back the how or why. And even if you can, it kind of sounds ridiculous. You feel resentment and shame all at the same time. Sometimes they even project their own insecurities or misplaced anger at you. So how can you tell if you really are in a one-sided relationship or not? There are signs. First, you are often confused or second-guessing yourself whether or not your feelings are true or if you are just overreacting. Does your partner show poor behavior in social situations, forcing you to make excuses to friends or even family? Do they tell you when they’ve made a mistake that you are overreacting or that it’s no big deal? If many of these are part and parcel of what you are experiencing, you are in a one-sided relationship. If when the two of you communicate your anger never seems to subside, this is a definite sign.

If you are spending all of your time to please your partner and try to fix the relationship, chances are you are in a one-sided relationship. If you are in this type of relationship, it’s time to sit down and do some serious thinking. What has your love life been like before this point? What was the situation with your parents or earliest caregivers like? If one or both of your parents were inaccessible or undervalued you, you may be looking for the same characteristics in your adult romantic partner. We often select mates subconsciously to help heal psychological wounds we acquired from our parents when we were children. But selecting this type of mate will never lead to happiness, only exhaustion and heartache. It can feel so right when you find someone that has that certain something that draws you in. But these might be the same qualities that drive you crazy later on. When dating someone or getting close, take a good hard look at the situation and consider why you like this person. Do they possess the right qualities for a good, healthy, long term relationship or are you fulfilling old destructive patterns of the past? The first step and the final step all belong to you. First, find a way to accept and love yourself for who you are. Come to see that self-love is the most important thing. Next, understand that you can’t spend your time with someone who treats you this way. Consciously pursue the right lover, one you are attracted to but will treat you right. Stay on the right path. Get rid of people who don’t treat you right and never look back. For more on this topic, look for the book Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy–Why Women Settle for One-Sided Relationships by Jill P. Weber.