Ending the Affair

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Ending the Affair

An affair can be so edifying, passionate, and you may find the person you are having it with irresistible. But infidelity can also tear your life apart. If you are thinking of switching up, think carefully. Will you be able to trust them? Will they trust you? The one you are cheating with may not have the best long term relationship qualities to begin with. They cheated with you after all, what makes you think they won’t do it again when things get too tough? It’s best to end the affair. But it must be done in the proper manner. Only if you are determined can you put an end to it.

It may be comforting to have a place to go to when your spouse or live-in partner doesn’t understand you or ignores you. But sooner or later they are bound to find out about the affair and blow everything wide open. If your relationship is too far gone and you’ve tried everything you can to fix it, with little success, perhaps it’s time to end that too. Usually, an affair is caused for some reason. The cheater isn’t getting their needs met in the primary relationship. Determine what needs aren’t being met. Is it intimacy, appreciation, or fulfillment? See if you can reinvest in your primary relationship to have your needs met and reconnect. But if not, perhaps consider ditching them both and starting over from scratch. You may be happier in the long run.

Turn to a trusted friend for support. It can be really difficult going through something like this by yourself. Having a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board and someone to give you advice is the thing you need. Instead of focusing on the positive aspects focus on the negative ones. Break off the affair in your head first and start thinking about it as over. Look for the shortcomings and problems with the person you are having the affair with and the affair itself. It’s time to change your mind set about it. If all you want to do is be with that person, even though you know it’s the wrong decision, you have to start having a negative outlook on it. Once your mind has turned from enjoying to reviling the affair it will be easier to sever the ties to that person. Get rid of all the mementos and signs that an affair has occurred. Erase the text messages. Sell the gifts and tokens. Delete the secret file on your computer of you two together.

Have a face-to-face meeting with your lover. Make it someplace public so that they won’t make a scene. Explain to them how much you enjoyed it but that you need to end it and the reasons why. Let them know that you are cutting off all contact. Once you’ve explained yourself get out of there. Avoid getting back into the affair. Remember that just because you’ve changed the affair’s status in your mind doesn’t mean they have. They could call and plead, beg, even use blackmail to force you to see them. Resist or find yourself in the same situation all over again. For more advice read, How to End an Affair: Stop Cheating with Proven Steps to Infidelity Recovery by Eugene Marks.

How do you know if you’re Just Settling?

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How do you know if you’re Just Settling?

When we first get into someone there’s that tingly, rush of excitement we get down deep in the belly. We get caught in this electric net whenever we see them, or get a call or text message. But after a while a long-term relationship gets comfortable. About four or five years out experts say is when a lot of trouble begins. We all get caught up in our routines. Sometimes a relationship gets old and needs a little spicing up. At other times we are discovering our partner more deeply and with it more incongruities arise. They need to be dealt with or new channels of modes of communication are required in order to keep things moving when we get stuck on thorny issues. This can get tiresome. But then there are times when we are with someone where things don’t really fit. We put up with it because we want to be in a relationship or appreciate the person’s finer qualities, but just can’t get past this certain thing or set of things about them. So how do you know if you’re just settling or if this is a relationship that needs a little tweaking? How do you know when things need a little more work or you’re just settling?

Sometimes it’s a good idea to get away from your significant other, even if it’s just for a short time so they are not influencing you. If you can, spend time with yourself, clear your mind and try and see the relationship from another angle. Others like to talk to close friends or a mentor and get a beat on what they think. Sometimes a little insight from someone close to your heart is all you need to refresh your outlook. Then there are those people who simply draw a line down the middle of a sheet of paper and list the good qualities of the relationship on one side and the bad qualities on the other. Evaluate how you feel generally with this person. Are they difficult to be around? Does respect dwell here? Is this relationship fulfilling most of the time? Does it make you happy? Is it weighing you down or lifting you up? Do you see no way of bringing it back? A relationship should bring out our best, not force us to seek solitude in work or other pursuits. If you feel more comfortable away from this person than in their presence, this is your sign.

What about your habits of mind? Are you constantly saying to yourself that your relationship isn’t that bad, and citing worse ones? Have you tried and tried again without any impact? What about the other person. Have they been trying to change and to communicate better to help bridge the gaps between you? Do you think if you wait it out, someday your partner will have a clue? Wishful wanting without any clear indication from the other partner is one of the symptoms of settling. Do you feel sorry for your partner? Usually, the person we love is one we respect, even admire. It’s hard to love someone you feel sorry for. There are those who stay in bad relationships simply because they are afraid of being alone. But then they have their own issues to work out which are coming through into the relationship. Today, we don’t have to stay with someone we don’t love. There are so many options no matter what your age, deal or preferences. Women especially may be prone to the settling syndrome. According to evolutionary anthropologists, women in the Stone Age settled because they may not have had the chance to mate again, being hunter-gatherers wandering in small bands. But in the modern age we have eHarmony and Tinder. So evaluate carefully. But realize that the answer may come, as all important ones do, when you least expect it. If you do decide to go down that road after healing read, How To Get A Date Worth Keeping: Be Dating In Six Months Or Your Money Back by Henry Cloud.

Reasons for Divorce Nobody Thinks About

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Reasons for Divorce Nobody Thinks About

Some people are in denial of course. But for many couples divorce doesn’t come straight out of the blue. It was a buildup, a confluence of negative elements that suddenly builds into a deluge. Either there is an enormous blow up fight, or one person or both just decide they need to get out. But the roots of these negative behaviors have their seed in the past. Here are some reasons for divorce nobody thinks about as a big deal but can snowball over time and cause havoc. Do you feel better than your spouse or that you deserve better? Some people make jokes about this early in the relationship, or the other says they are too good for you and you believe them. Either way, that feeling is going to encroach on the relationship later on. Take a good look at your spouse and remember what tremendous qualities they have.

If you feel too constrained in a relationship don’t think about getting married. And if you do feel confided in your marriage you will probably look for any reason to cheat, or even get out of it. Explore those feelings and see where they lead. Lack of communication in any relationship is a serious issue. The best relationships are the ones where not only does our partner understand us but we understand them perfectly. But it takes a lot of hoops to get there. If you can’t communicate over little things your marriage won’t last. Marriages are rocked by serious problems in life. So if you can’t get over little things what happens when a big one comes along?

Watch your expectations. Some people have really high expectations early on and it starts to weigh on the marriage later. You will both have expectations that the other will not meet. Learn to mitigate these and remember your spouse’s positive qualities. Really it’s up to you and your spouse to invest in your marriage. You need to talk a lot and really investigate what goes on when you have a fight. Talk not only about issues but about your patterns. What sets one person off? What makes the other ignore subjects or leave, escaping the issue? You need to create a space where the two of you feel comfortable to discuss anything, without it being used against them later. Make your relationship more cooperative and less adversarial. See in which topic such as money or chores, or what issues such as one always feeling blamed or the other not feeling listened to, come up the most often. Why are these such touchy subjects in your marriage? What baggage does each person bring that contributes to your fights? Learn how to analyze your marriage and put positive patterns in place to supplant negative ones. For more advice read, The 11 Reasons Why Marriages Go Wrong and How to Make Yours Succeed by Richard Chesser.

Survey Shows the Right time to Move in Together

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Survey Shows the Right time to Move in Together

It’s a question that often comes up in modern relationships, when is the right time to move in together? Too soon and it could kill the relationship, and give one or both of you deep anxiety. Too late and the relationship may seem to be in slow motion. You of course don’t know someone until they’ve moved in and all of their habits come to bear. The financial savings that could be gained are an excellent plus. But pets, hours, shower scheduling and so many other issues need to be worked out. It really is taking a relationship to a whole other level. Well not to fear, the folks at Rent.com have come up with a handy little survey that shows the right time to move in together.

1,000 renting, cohabitating couples took part in the survey. 37% of respondents thought waiting between six months to a year was appropriate. 29% believed that over a year was better. 18% said that they would wait until after marriage to cohabitate. 7% thought less than a year was alright. 6% thought two to three years a more apropos timeframe. 3% said over three years was the right time. Over a third of respondents said that they were waiting until after marriage which was surprising to the creators of the survey.

The survey didn’t end there. It also asked what happens once couples do move in together. 63% said that they hardly ever went out with their friends alone anymore. 58% spent the weekends at home with their partner. 27% moved in before seeing each other for six months. Nearly 50% enjoyed moving in and spending more time with their partner. 32% came to the realization after moving in together that they’d found their soul mate. Moving in together is a big decision. For some, their familial situation or their religion make the decision pretty clean cut. But for many it can seem like a difficult decision to make. Surely each person’s financial situation, emotional status, your feelings towards one another, where you are in the relationship, whether you are just seeing each other or thinking of spending the rest of your lives together, all are meaningful aspects to explore.

Talk about it together. Find ways to explore the subject. Let your partner know why you are thinking about it and ask what they think. Don’t apply any pressure for commitment as it might backfire. Instead, talk openly and honestly about the situation. If you have been together a long time and want to take things to the next level, share with your partner how you feel, what you want and ask what they think. Make a list of pluses and minuses and weigh your options together to see which is the best fit for you. If you want more out of your relationship but your partner is forever risk adverse, weigh carefully whether you should stay with them or find someone more commitment minded. For more on moving in together read, Not Just Roommates: Cohabitation after the Sexual Revolution by Elizabeth H. Pleck.

Behaviors that Show you can Save Your Relationship

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Behaviors that Show you can Save Your Relationship

Sometimes couples try everything they can think of to get over an impasse. But they struggle to find a way through the obstacles they come up against, time and again. A crisis that has befallen them and how they deal with it, will determine whether or not they stay together, or fall apart. At other times, it’s an accumulation of little things that is cluttering up their relationship, bogging them down and clogging up the flow of loving energy. Once the damage seems too great, the problems can look insurmountable, particularly when both parties feel drained and emotionally exhausted. At this point, the two may consider calling it quits. Couples come to wonder if they should take a break and regroup, try to renovate the relationship and build a new, or end things, pick up the pieces and move on. At this point, it’s time to ask a few questions. Do you two have the energy and commitment to try and repair this relationship? Or do you feel you’ve reached the point of no return? How have the two of you worked through past difficulties? Did it lead to toxic patterns played out over and over again, or a renewal of love and commitment? Some people scram at the first whiff of trouble. Do one of you have a tendency to cut and run when things get serious? Are there other issues buried beneath the surface that are sabotaging your relationship? If you are both committed to doing what it takes to get this thing back on the rails and steaming ahead, but aren’t able to answer these questions, and your partner is struggling too, it is perhaps time to evaluate the relationship in total, and see if there are enough positive behaviors to warrant the relationships salvage.

How is the communication? If each party listens patiently to the other, and checks for understanding, this is strong ray of hope. But if one or both interrupt, mimic, dismiss or diminish one another, things are not good. Active listening, checking for understanding and showing respect, even in the midst of disagreement, are the hallmarks of a good relationship. Do you show trust, support, and concern for one another? Even when one is heartbroken, they can still show concern. Care should not only be mutual, but part of a continuum stretching backward to the time the two of you began calling yourselves a couple. If your partner is being blamed for something, they may not have soothing words. But their facial expressions and body language automatically telegraph love, care and devotion. Dominance takes a back seat to devotion in relationships that will make it. But in those that won’t, it’s the other way around. Do you two share a sense of humor? Things generally aren’t so bad for the couple that can laugh together. There are times when in the thick of an intense, seething argument where there is yelling, accusing, interrupting and invalidating, one will bring up something, or will slip and say something funny, and the two erupt into laughter. Then reminiscing or joking begins, and later on who knows? A good sense of humor can lift up a relationship. It puts things into perspective, allows breathing room and a chance to clear the air. If this does occur, don’t squander the opportunity. Take advantage.

Usually couples know where the line is drawn with one another, and they don’t cross it. Do you two deescalate arguments or aggravate them?  De-escalation is the proper tactic. When one or both of you can take it down a notch, couch problems until emotions aren’t so raw, or find other ways to take the teeth out of an argument, you two may have staying power. Do you focus on the topic at hand when arguing? Couples where one or both parties bring up transgressions from the past, especially when they are losing an argument, don’t make things better. The goal becomes winning rather than communication, negotiation, and reconciliation. Couples who stay on the issue, and resist the urge to drudge up the past, fair much better. How accountable is each person for the trouble they bring to the relationship? There is no one good and bad guy, most of the time. Each person usually brings positive and negative qualities to the relationship, and each should be able to recognize and own up to them.

The most important thing for both parties is to begin recognizing the negative patterns each person brings, how they contribute to your problems and try to undo the process, replacing them with positive ones, or recognizing when they are arising and derailing them, before they attempt to do harm to the relationship. Once you start operating in a more positive and fruitful manner, and put negative patterns behind, love will resurface. Your relationship will run smoother and grow much stronger. Every couple goes through dark days. But it is how you work together to weather these storms that shows whether or not, in the end, you find yourselves torn asunder by the tempests of your darker emotions or are standing together, hand in hand, when those rays of hope begin to shine through. If you’ve found that your relationship is savable, or even if you haven’t but want to learn more for your next time around, read the book, When Love Stumbles: How to Rediscover Love, Trust, and Fulfillment in your Relationship by Randi Gunther Ph.D.