Does the book, The Game, Really Help Pick up Women?

pickup

Does the book, The Game, Really Help Pick up Women?

Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) and the “negs” or put-downs are some of the techniques found in Neil’ Strauss’s book, The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists. Though it sounds like a self-help book, it in fact isn’t. It’s more of a narrative with ideas and techniques interlaced in-between. It is an engaging read. Once you start this book it’s hard to put down.

Strauss’s mentor named Mystery is a Canadian given to breakdowns and bouts of self-pity when he isn’t chasing the girls. Their house in Hollywood gets sunk in adolescent moral depravity. And the first woman that doesn’t fall for his technique becomes his wife, hitting him with how shallow he’s been all along. Not a very explosive ending, instead rather predictable. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t techniques in the book, their certainly are. But does the book really help pick up women? One problem that seems to pop up is despite the authors repeated insistence that this technique works on smart women, he doesn’t give any evidence. He does pick up one law school student. But she also happens to be a Playboy Playmate.

The techniques used in this book may only attract a certain kind of woman, those who suffer from attraction of desperation. These are women who didn’t grow up with parents who had a healthy, well-adjusted relationship. And so they are looking for someone to mirror that relationship with, in order for them to solve it, move past it and to heal. If she grew up in a household where her mother was put down, then of course a pickup artist using put-downs is going to attract her. The truth is these seem to be acronym and heavily jargoned programs designed to make suckers out of desperate and lonely men who have lost touch with how to engage the interest of a woman. Besides that, the system is shallow and based on making a woman feel bad about herself and chase the man in an effort to validate herself to him.

Turning the tables might be good in order to get some women into bed. But for the purposes of attracting a partner with the right qualities desirable for a long term, happy, well-adjusted and committed relationship, this book comes up empty. Instead of trying well-worn and age old techniques dressed up new again, why not invest in yourself? Get a new look that shines light on a different side of you. Try out new hobbies or rediscover old ones. Boost your confidence. Chat someone up. You don’t need this book. All you need is the right outlook and to get busy renewing your love life and it, the it you’re looking for, will occur. For more advice read, The Anti-Pickup Line: Real Habits to Naturally Attract Stunning Women by Charlie Houpert.

Attractions of Deprivation

deprivation

Attractions of Deprivation

Do you have a string of romantic disasters trailing behind you? Do you often fall in love with the wrong person and your passion turns into devastation when you see your relationship inevitably fall apart? What gives? Don’t give up. You aren’t destined to die alone or in a dysfunctional relationship. You may be suffering from attractions of deprivation. The Imago model developed by Harville Hendrix states that we are attracted to those who embody the worst elements of our childhood caregivers, our parents or whoever raised us.

We have unresolved issues surrounding abuse, betrayal, neglect and manipulation from these caregivers. We desire to heal these wounds, subconsciously, and so seek out a mate with these qualities so that we may do so. Said another way, we are therefore most attracted to those who have the ability to hurt us psychologically the way we were hurt as children. Moreover, what ends up happening is instead of healing we get hurt in the exact same way, once again, this time by a lover instead of a caregiver. We want to have the same problem play out from our childhood but this time solve the problem instead of enduring the pain, and move past this incident, gaining closure and healing the old wound.

The first thing to do is to identify the negative qualities that pull you in in the first place. Look for qualities that all of your exes who matched this pattern had in common. If you are unsure ask friends, family members and confidants. Next, identify these exact same qualities in your childhood caregivers. Write them down in a list. Call it “My Attractions of Deprivation.” Write down anything that annoyed, upset or hurt you. Don’t worry if you were at fault in some instances, too. Just write them down. Put in physical characteristics that are attractive too but negative like over-confident swagger. Next, get another piece of paper. Entitle it “Profile of my Attractions of Deprivation.” Write down the exact type of person you are attracted to using these qualities. Notice that these exact qualities are both what turn you on and what end up stifling the relationship, such as arrogance. On the flip side, that person doesn’t care about you the way you do them. They aren’t considerate and don’t support you or make room in their lives for you. If you can’t think of anything, ask your friends. They’ll have a ton of things to tell you.

Underneath write “My Gifts.” Write down all of the positive qualities your exes never took the time to get to know about you. These are the very things that get stifled in these relationships. They are holding you back from personal growth. Keep this with you and the next time you are attracted to someone who is wrong for you, turn away. Find people you are attracted to instead, those that inspire you not deprive you. For more advice read, How to Avoid Falling in Love with A Jerk: The Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart without Losing Your Mind by John Van Epp, Ph.D.

Don’t go for the Aggressive Attorney when Divorcing

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Don’t go for the Aggressive Attorney when Divorcing

When we are hurt, or worried about assets or child custody, we may consider getting an aggressive attorney to try and safeguard our interests. It may even go beyond that. You could be hurt, and lashing out in revenge. Whatever your reasoning, don’t consider an aggressive attorney. If you think hiring a “pit bull” lawyer is going to help you, think again. The trouble is those “fighter” attorneys are just argumentative. They may be brash, pushy, arrogant, and rearing for a fight, but that doesn’t mean the judge is going to respect them. In fact, just the opposite may be true. Now, who you thought would be a good advocate turns out to be a liability. If the judge is biased against your attorney, it could definitely impact the case. Another issue is billing. These types of lawyers want to make as much as possible. That means billing you for as many hours as they can. Even if they have lower rates, they could get you in legal fees. Another consideration is the more issues you have to fight over the more expensive it is going to be. So a “pit bull” may drum up trouble just to pocket more of your money. It also means, the more your side fights, the more the other side has to. Lots of money gets siphoned away in bickering and legal proceedings, as a result. The marital estate dwindles, bad news for both of you.

If both attorneys are belligerent “fighters” this could further prolong matters. There is one thing you can say about divorce; those involved never cease to find ways to suck away your money. There are even attorney fee contributions to make things level, should your ex have less access to funds than you. Sanctions could also force you to pay your spouse, further depleting the estate. Some say aggressive attorneys can be found filing motions that don’t make any sense, and prolong the case in order to make sure they get the most out of it, financially. If you have children, you may be setting a bad atmosphere with your ex in which to co-parent in. The divorce will set the tone moving forward. You might make your ex angrier, so that they are terrible to deal with whenever they come to pick up the kids. Forget it if you want to switch weekends. If you and your ex’s lawyers get into a tit-for-tat situation, there is no way to predict when it might end. A short divorce time is about six months. But there are divorces that drag on for two, three, even five years. At that point both of you just want it over with. You want normalcy. You want a chance to start your life over again. But the longer the divorce is prolonged, the longer you will have to put that time off. Plus all the money you wasted. You wonder if it was worth it.

Seek out an attorney that is going to look after your best interests. It should be someone effective but also level headed. Look for an attorney that wants the divorce to be resolved in a fair and equitable manner. You want someone who will take what is important for you and fight for that. You don’t want someone who just wants to win. One strategy “pit bull” lawyers employ is to make things so expensive, that the other side gives up. But you both lose in this situation. Plus you both come off angry which will set the tone for any future relations, should children be in the mix. You may be bitter and worried that you won’t get the things you need, like custody or child support. But make sure you have someone who is going to do the right thing, not play dirty just to win. Be careful when you go to select an attorney, and don’t be afraid to walk away from one or get a new one, if yours turns out different than you thought. If you believe you have this type of attorney, make the switch sooner rather than later. Good communication, mutual respect and trust are essential to the client-attorney relationship. Look for these traits and your divorce will come off better than you thought. For more legal advice read, The Guide to a Smart Divorce- Experts’ advice for surviving divorce by Kurt Groesser, Jan Parsons, Kim Langelaar, and David Heckenbach Esq.

Why Catches Stay in Bad Relationships

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Why Catches Stay in Bad Relationships

Have you ever seen someone who was a real catch and then see their partner and wonder what in the world they were doing with that person? Most people have experienced this. There are those in bad relationships who don’t feel they can leave. Others seem to go on and on while the couple tries for the umpteenth time to make it work. The truth is there are a lot of catches who stay in bad relationships and just become complacent, but why? Turns out there are many reasons. Sometimes one partner makes more than the other. You get used to a luxurious lifestyle. The relationship or marriage is on the rocks. But you can’t leave. How can you ever live like you used to, after getting used to being a jet-setter? The truth is human beings have an emotional need for intimacy. If you love champagne and caviar more than the person who’s feeding it to you, this will always be an unhealthy relationship that if you let it, will consume you. These are silk handcuffs, a prison made of dollar bills, and even though it sounds fun for a while, sooner or later one realizes that true happiness is making a connection with one’s lover, not making a connecting flight to Barbados to try and fill an emptiness in their heart.

Some people stay together because they don’t want to hurt the children psychologically. Studies have shown however that children growing up in single parent homes grow up just as well-adjusted as those that grow up in dual parent homes. What’s more, relationship static affects children. So staying together but fighting, arguing or other strife can negatively impact children’s mental health. Children know whether their parents get along or not. So any amount of pretending isn’t good. What’s more, you model how your children will interact in terms of love. If you settle for something less and don’t pursue your happiness you are teaching them to do the same. Then there’s codependency, a problem for many couples. Having a partner there reassures lots of people. In fact, there are plenty of people who are scared of being alone. For more severe cases a spouse or partner’s inappropriate behavior gives them attention and sympathy from outsiders which would not be available without the significant other and their bad behavior.  Whether you are with someone just to be with someone, or there is something more involved you must realize that this isn’t a good reason to be in a relationship. In fact, it only perpetuates a negative cycle. You have to truly love yourself to be happy. Focus on yourself and that happiness will resonate. Find ways to overcome the problems and self-esteem issues you suffer, and ways to feel good about yourself. Remember that you deserve a healthy, happy relationship. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. For more on this topic, read Why Good People Can’t Leave Bad Relationships by Cindi Sansone-Braff.

How to Diffuse Co-Parenting Woes

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It’s difficult to agree on things after a divorce, especially if it was a contentious one (huffingtonpost). But the children come first. Feelings of deep distrust, anger, resentment and guilt can cloud both of your heads and make it difficult to see that it is important to co-parent and that your harmony or disharmony affects the children in deep and profound ways. It’s best to put your feelings aside, if you can, and communicate this to your ex-spouse. You need to learn when it’s important to stick to your guns or be flexible, communicate what you think is important and to choose your battles wisely. That’s easier said than done. First, it’s important to accept the situation for what it is. Of course, you need to go through your grieving stage, but acceptance is critical to being able to move on and co-parent effectively. Don’t use the children to get back at your ex and don’t let him or her do so either.

Don’t start to question every part about your life. Take control of your parenting and be confident in it. Your children will feel safer and more secure. Don’t expect to be perfect, but do your best. Don’t do it all on your own. That’s a recipe for burnout. Instead, have a support system you can rely on. Many people are afraid to take that step and ask for help. There’s no shame in it. In fact, the strongest people ask for help. And you’ll be surprised at the response you get. Neighbors, friends, and family members won’t mind watching the kids, or picking them up from soccer practice or what have you when it’s important for you to say, stay at work or if you have some other important issue that needs addressing. Just some down time to de-stress is important too. Notice negative parenting in you or your ex and try to undermine it. You might have to fill in sometimes or change schedules. Try to be flexible when you can. You never know when you might need your ex to watch the kids. Teach the children that in your ex’s house they can have one set of rules and in your house another. This will help you avoid conflict with your ex on something that you don’t have any control over. Lastly, try to see any conflict arising and nip it in the bud before it becomes a serious problem.