Don’t let a Selfish Partner Hurt you

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Don’t let a Selfish Partner Hurt you

It may be hard to recognize the selfish, at least at first. Oftentimes they are social butterflies. Everyone loves and adores them. And everyone wants to cater to them, including you. But as time goes on and the charm starts to wear, as you get to peek more and more below the surface sometimes you start to see that this person’s whole world revolves around them. There isn’t room for you at all. You find yourself giving more and more, but they never return your energy or affection like they should. Instead, they suck you dry like a psychic vampire.

Don’t let a selfish partner hurt you. First, realize when a person is selfish and when you haven’t communicated your needs with them fully. Perhaps they don’t know what you want or how to fulfil your needs. Be patient. Communicate in lots of ways. See if they have a need to fulfill your desires but don’t know how to go about it. Help them. If they find excuses or are too resistant chances are they are selfish. But oftentimes one person in a relationship thinks the other should automatically know what they want. No one automatically knows what anyone wants. It isn’t a sign of love or not loving. It just means you have to learn to communicate your needs effectively.

Next, consider what the speech or behavior they are exhibiting is and if it is in fact selfish. What things do you do for them? Make a list. See what things they do for you. How does the list measure up? Some people look to date those that they can manipulate to get their own needs, wants and desires fulfilled without any concern or regard for the other person. Does this sound familiar? In a normal relationship the power dynamic is equal. But if you never do what you want to do, never go to the restaurants you want, never see the movie you want, never visit your family, and always undercut your desires to that of your partner, that person is indeed selfish. Your partner is probably convinced of how great they are and how lucky you are to have them. They think you need them and should get down on your knees and thank the heavens for putting them in your life. Talk about nerve.

If you think you are constantly being manipulated by a selfish person and no matter how many times you confront them, or try to get them to change, they don’t, make plans to end the relationship. Start drifting from them physically and emotionally. Detach from them. If they start freaking out show them the behavior you have to put up with. Use their words against them. Make it really uncomfortable for them. Then approach them about splitting up. Chances are they will be happy about it by then. No one wants to be in a relationship where they aren’t having fun, where they are being used. So turn the tables on them with coldness and you will have your freedom soon enough. For more advice read, Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans.

If he’s got these in his Search History, Delete Him

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If he’s got these in his Search History, Delete Him

We are all guilty of looking at things we shouldn’t on the internet from time to time. But there are certain things that cross the line. Respect and trust need to exist in any relationship for it to be healthy and happy. But there are just certain things a husband or boyfriend shouldn’t be seeking out. If he’s got these websites in his search history, delete him from your life or expect trouble the next time you sign on to his shenanigans. It’s perfectly normal for a guy to seek out some porn. They are guys, they are going to look. But if you happen to find an over-obsessive amount, this is a deal breaker. It may mean he’s addicted to porn. He could then have trouble pleasing you.

Another phenomenon that is occurring, guys who expect their wives and girlfriends to act like porn stars in the bedroom. While you may be all about exploring your kinky side, just understand that the women in these films never get their needs met. So if you want him to go down south, or you wish to explore some of your own fantasies, you’d better come right out and talk about it or it could all be over. Another deal breaker in this realm is porn that is too extreme. Sure he may have a fetish which you enjoy or are at least willing to accommodate. But if you find out he’s really into some sick stuff, it’s time to hit the road. Next thing you know he’ll want to bring some of that stuff into the bedroom. FYI, if you’re up for it, a little bit of good quality porn between consenting adults can actually stimulate your love life form time to time.

If he’s been on dating sites since you two have become an item, get rid of him. He’s a player, a narcissist; he’s self-absorbed and doesn’t care about your feelings. He’s looking to cheat. One side note, make sure you two have verbalized that you are in a committed relationship. Some girls just assume. If you haven’t said it, it isn’t true. When you are only dating you can’t expect him to shut down his dating profile. You never know what might happen. He’s keeping his options open or still deciding on you. You may be in the same phase. But if you’ve said the three little words, be mine only and they said yes, then this guy is a heartless scumbag. He’ll give you a line of crap. If you fall for it, he’ll cheat on you anyway, and you’ll be in more pain and hate yourself worse for failing to see through his jive.

If your man has a long history of surfing gay websites, you need to confront him about it. There’s nothing wrong with different sexual orientations. If you fantasize about having two guys, and the relationship doesn’t mean that much to you emotionally, you may find it exhilarating. Otherwise, your man may run off with another man. How will you feel then? If you find him on Ashley Madison or some other type of cheating website, sign off on this relationship. He’s a cheater and a sneak. For help moving on if or when your break up read, You Didn’t Want Him Anyway: Get Over Any Man in 5 Simple Steps by Claire Casey.

Signs your Lover is a Narcissist

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Signs your Lover is a Narcissist

Sure, confidence can be sexy. But narcissism is way too much of a good thing. You can’t build intimacy with a narcissist. They refuse to let anyone in and be vulnerable. Without vulnerability there is no intimacy, what most of us call love. Usually narcissists take and take, without giving anything in return. They are the center of the universe and you are lucky just to be associated as their partner and should do everything in your power to keep them happy. Though there is a rumor that all narcissists are sex addicts or substance abusers, this is patently false. There are many who are not. Narcissism exists on a spectrum. This is the new way of thinking about lots of psychological disorders actually.

Narcissists have a grandiose sense of themselves. They are conceited, self-centered, who are completely unaware or disinterested in the needs of others around them, including those in their relationship. On the outer edges, narcissists lack total empathy. They are opportunists who will do anything to get ahead at others’ expense. Though they may seem vein and full of themselves, in fact narcissists use this façade to cover up a tremendously low self-esteem, self-image and self-worth. In this case, they will lash out ferociously at anyone who diminishes or goes against their opinion or wishes. Though someone may be conceited, these can have healthy relationships. Narcissists can’t. Here are the signs that your lover is a narcissist.

Narcissists need the focus to be on them, constantly. Any little thought, gesture or compliment is only to appease you in an effort to refocus on the narcissist. These can be very manipulative sorts. Once they get their hooks in you, you soon realize that everything is about them and every move you make, yourself or in your relationship, is to please them, or to make sure that they don’t become displeased. Anyone the narcissist is attached to is extraordinary. They are a reflection of them after all. So they must be. That includes you. It’s important to the narcissist that you reflect upon them appropriately.

A narcissist is forever demanding. They will control you in overt or covert ways to get what they want. They have an agenda that everyone must follow. If they feel they are challenged or contradicted in any way, they will explode. It is hard to have one’s true needs or feelings heard by a narcissist. Challengers will be cut to the quick, and the narcissist may feel repressed anger at this person moving forward. If you don’t feed their ego, you are no longer of consequence to them and they will cut you loose. If you no longer reflect their glory or perfection you will get tossed aside as a liability. For more get yourself a copy of, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson.

Can you Trust a Guy who’s Super Smooth?

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Can you Trust a Guy who’s Super Smooth?

He’s got the style, the designer clothes, that stunning haircut and a style that just makes a lady want to scream. He’s super smooth, but can you really trust a guy like that? Or deep down are they all players trying to etch another notch onto the bedpost? The truth is we are all human. No one should be pigeon holed and stereotyped. Some guys have presence and are naturally charismatic. Just like any other type of person with any other trait, some are good, some are bad and some are neutral. So how do you know when you’ve found someone genuine or a guy who is putting on a façade? How can you tell if he uses his Jedi mind powers for good or evil? Like any guy you should take things slow, watch him carefully, subtly and see what really lies underneath that smooth veneer. Here are some indicators on whether you’ve got a good one or one to throw back. “You’re so lucky to be with me,” shows that he is overconfident. This might be a narcissist. That’s like the axe murderer of love. He might be interesting and fun, but girl you should run. The relationship is going to be nothing but you giving in to his every wish, and him taking with nothing coming back the other way. “I’m so lucky to be with you.” Here’s a guy that appreciates you. This shows generosity, respect and appreciation, pretty good qualities for a relationship.

When you got a guy who does nothing but talk about himself, it may seem exciting at first. But sooner or later you realize that he doesn’t want to be with you, he just craves your attention. If you want to play second fiddle to a guy everywhere you go, that’s fine. But sooner or later it’s going to become tiresome. What about all the gorgeous, beautiful, amazing qualities about you? When does your turn to shine come? It’s much better to hear “Let’s talk about you.” Some men will keep you guessing with their personality. You never really get to know who they really are. If you are dating someone like this just realize this isn’t the settling down type. Instead, look for the guy who is an open book. This is where intimacy and trust can derive from. “I’m bored.” This type of guy is self-centered. He won’t sacrifice for you. In fact, he expects to be entertained constantly. He may even get bored with you.  “I’m in no hurry—let’s see where this relationship goes.” This is a more honest assessment of the dating process. This guy is level headed and wants to be open to having a relationship while at the same time he also knows that things kind of work out as they do. You can’t predict how two people are going to relate to each other. Seeing a relationship unfold is one of the most exciting and interesting points of love. There are tons of guys out there who are good natured, good hearted and single. The trick is to wait and let him reveal his inner nature to you. Then you will know how to proceed. For more dating advice, read To Date a Man, You Must Understand a Man: The Keys to Catch a Great Guy by Gregg Michaelsen.

Love Bombing and Toxic Affection

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Have you ever had someone shower you with love, affection, positive comments, gifts and grand gestures only to get sucked into a toxic relationship? To shower one with love and affection is called love bombing. It’s something we usually do when we know someone really well and are very close and intimate with them. Parents, children, very close friends, our significant other or spouse are people we can legitimately love bomb. But this technique is often used by psychopaths, narcissists, sociopaths and on an organization wide scale cults and certain religious organizations for attracting and retaining initiates. Human beings are social creatures. We all have a deep seeded need to belong, be accepted and loved by others and by a social group. This strategy can be powerful and persuasive. But it is inherently toxic as it isn’t a genuine feeling that the person is worthy or belongs. Instead, this type of affection has attached some expectations, and is mechanized by ulterior motives that may not be pure. Love bombing can be good if it is sincere. But when other deeper reasons are attached, such as a narcissist building up someone to in turn knock down and make their puppet, or a cult trying to galvanize its members against some opposition, than the love becomes tainted and no longer exists as love but merely as a rotten form of manipulation.

Love bombing and affection for manipulation is common. One study whose participants were 1,000 college students found that almost 90% of participants used affection for some other motive rather than just to express love. 50% of respondents had done this within the past month. The motives were not always as dark as manipulation for gain. Some did it to keep the peace or to keep a relationship going. Others did it to avoid hurting someone’s feelings or because they felt sympathy for the other person for one reason or another. Others however did do it for selfish reasons such as wanting sex, money, forgiveness, or some sort of help. Toxic affection differs from love bombing in one unique way. Toxic affection is not only for one person’s gain, it offers love and acceptance without delivering. Since the motive is not pure, than no matter how things turn out one person is manipulating the other, ergo the manipulator is never on the same level as the one being manipulated. And how can you love someone fully that you aren’t equal to? How can you give your heart to someone you are manipulating? There is a giant lack of respect there. You can’t really love someone you don’t respect. So if you are going to love bomb, let it be true and it will be met with the most overwhelming return of explosions of affection, validation and acceptance. Use toxic affection in your relationship, and sooner or later it won’t even have a pulse. For help getting over a toxic relationship, read Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, & Other Toxic People by Peace.