How to keep your Love Interest Interested

interested

How to keep your Love Interest Interested

In today’s electronically interconnected world where almost every single milestone, anecdote, musing or irritation is put out for the entire world to see, it can feel like no one reserves any mysteries anymore. We all serve ourselves up daily to the giant, unblinking eye of the internet. But with dating, developing an air of mystery is essential. A lot of us like being an open book. Though this can initially put someone who is interested at ease, it can quickly become boring. Some of us are givers and people pleasers. But if we continue to give all our power away, if we make ourselves too transparent or if we fail to weave the magic spell properly we soon find lovers dropping off. Our interest pulls away. For many today we don’t even get to the dating stage. We text or message back and forth but nothing tangible ever emerges. The fact is some people seek a challenge, albeit a well-crafted one. Also, giving your lover everything they want upfront without asking anything in return, without any enticement or unfinished questions takes the fun out of the subtle, provocative dance that is human courtship. The problem is you have to play hard to get, but not too hard. You have to advertise your worth without pricing them out of your market. Here’s how to keep your love interest interested without driving them off.

Think of a date as a performance. The other person should always be left wanting more. Sometimes in our anxiety we want to in a confessionary manner divulge everything about us and get it all out of the way. But it’s important to have a bit more confidence and reserve portions of ourselves, doling it all out slowly. Look at it as a story. You want yours to slowly unravel in a delicious way. Leave them with a cliffhanger here and there. When scheduling a meetup, don’t be too available or accommodating or else you are giving all your power away. Some people change their entire schedule to accommodate someone else. Others need an entourage as if they were Hollywood celebrities. But this can also be a barrier. How can you really get to know each other with so many other people in the way? Don’t purposely obstruct an unfolding romance either. Be available perhaps one or two nights out of the week. Whatever arrangements are being made, the other person should meet you halfway. There needs to be balance. If getting together with you is way too difficult then they may give up. On dates many feel the need to prove themselves. But take a deep breath, step back and realize too that they should also have to prove themselves to you.

If you have a flare for the dramatic, surprise them. Don’t be too predictable. Everyone has inner mysteries that they love to explore, interests they pursue and curiosities that fascinate them. Find out what yours are and slowly introduce these secret mysteries to your love interest. Don’t pressure them. If you ask them where things are going after the third date, or levy some sort of ultimatum you will look desperate, apply too much pressure and end up alone. But if you’ve successfully weaved your spell, you’ll have them enchanted and ready to follow you anywhere. Sometimes we focus totally on ourselves. Step back and consider their situation. Did this person just get out of a serious relationship? Beware of being the rebound. If you are made to compete with someone, drop your love interest immediately. This person does not have your best interest at heart. Instead, they are on an ego trip and playing senseless games. Where could the relationship go if they are willing to play with your heart in such a manner? If your potential date is still in a relationship with someone else, walk away. Otherwise, you can just be friends. Don’t ever sacrifice your friends, family or your children to accommodate them. This person is selfish, egotistical and self-centered. Playing hard to get means enjoying each step of the human love ritual in all its rich complexity and splendor. But make sure you are coming across as interested. If you are cold and reserved the entire time, they may not know. Subtly is the key. You want to send slow, subtle signals such as eye contact, a brush of the arm, for guys opening the door and leading her in gently by the small of the back, leaning in when the other talks and so on. Just be sure to send out signals that, although you are interested, you have a life too. For the ladies who want to know more pick up a copy of, How to Keep a Man: What Every Woman Needs to Know to Keep Him Interested and Happy for Life by Niel Schreiber.

How to Find Him

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How to Find Him

Are you tired of waiting around for prince charming? It makes a great story. But in reality, if you are just waiting for the right guy to find you, you will kiss a lot of frogs without finding any princes. Instead, it pays to be proactive with your love life, like so many other aspects of life, rather than just wait for whoever comes along. But how do you find him, the right guy? He may not be the one, if such a thing exists, but the one for you. Don’t just sit on your duff and wait for him to arrive. He may not. And when he does see you, he may not recognize your interest, or that you two could be the perfect item.

Here’s how to make things happen. The first step, develop a gaze that shows how attractive and mysterious you are. Don’t just make eye contact, give him a look that will make him whither in his shoes. He’ll either strike up the courage to approach you, get a wingman to accompany him for a little support, or he’ll walk away, in which case it’s time to move on to the next potential candidate. If you see a cute guy walking a dog, approach them. Play with and pet it. Show how much you like dogs and start a little conversation. It’s a great, easy icebreaker. If you are an animal lover you already have something in common. And owning a dog shows he’s affectionate, responsible, caring and loving; good relationship traits.

If there is a nice guy you’d like to get to know better, use a pickup line. If a man uses it, it’s trite, unimaginative and falls flat. If a woman uses it, it’s funny, cheeky and lets him know you are interested. If you are at a sports bar or venue and see a guy you are interested in, use the game as an icebreaker. Ask who’s winning. What team is he rooting for? Ask about the rules. These questions will make him feel masculine as he can enlighten you on the information he knows. It will get the conversation flowing. And you’ll be able to judge his interest in you quickly. If you are a fellow sports fan, it should be easy to get the small talk rolling.

Another great way to capture a man’s heart is to be the damsel in distress. Have a problem you want him to solve. This works well on someone you know or have had your eye on for some time. Ask him to fix something for you, be it the printer in the copy room, something at your desk, your car in the parking lot, or wherever or whatever needs fixing. If he isn’t handy ask for his advice on something. Then thank him for his help. Offer to help him with something. Better yet invite him to dinner or lunch, on you as a thank you. There are lots of subtle and fun ways to maneuver the right man into your life. For more advice read, Get the Guy: Learn Secrets of the Male Mind to Find the Man You Want and the Love you Deserve! By Matthew Hussey.

Gender Difference Myths Affect Dating and Relationships

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Gender Difference Myths Affect Dating and Relationships

It seems that everyone knows someone who has it all figured out. They have an opinion on everything; men and women, how the sexes operate, dating and relationships. You would think they would all be in the throes of some powerful romantic relationship. But the best armchair philosophers often dine alone. Some people operate on the myths our culture perpetuates and get tripped up by them. A lot of these hangers on are not the individual’s fault. They are passed down by word of mouth for generations.

Other misconceptions that cause slipups happen due to an individual’s own past experiences. But experience is myopic. Cultural myths may be wrong, and personal experience, though valuable, is also shortsighted. One person’s experience does not necessarily mean it is everyone’s. In fact that situation, though real to them, may have been an anomaly. So does research support commonly understood beliefs about the sexes? Or are these myths just standing in the way of our happiness? Psychologists tell us that presumed gender differences and the myths that surround them actually affect dating and relationships. Men and women think they are supposed to act a certain way, or their partner feels a certain way due to their gender, and these expectations get in the way of reality, and make us less flexible in mitigating it.

One of the first such myths we come across is that men tend to be straightforward and pragmatic, while women are mysterious and romantic. Although with some couples this is true, psychologists say there are many men who are more romantic than the women they are with. There is a metric used to measure romantic sentiment called the Romantic Beliefs Scale. Men generally outscore women in this. Statements on the scale include: “If I love someone, I know I can make the relationship work, despite any obstacles” and “There will only be one real love for me”. Men also believe in love at first sight far more often than women do. Another commonly quoted myth is that men and women approach conflict differently. Actually, research suggests the opposite. Men and women generally approach conflict in a similar way. There are some couples however who engage in what is called the “demand/withdraw” style of argument. Here one person makes demands while the other avoids the subject being discussed. Here the demander makes more and more demands, while the withdrawer finds more and more ways to elude them. Both end up being angry and perplexed. In this scenario, the woman is often the one communicating demands. But of course, not always.

Some psychologists say power dynamics have more to do with an irreconcilable conflict pattern than anything else. In studies it is the role rather than the gender which is important. For instance, whoever wants change in the relationship, be they man or woman, becomes the demander in the demand/withdraw pattern. Researchers have found that both men and women can play both roles. Then there is the common myth that men only care about looks, while women care about who the person is on the inside. A study wanted to test this myth. In it researchers had both men and women rate the qualities they most desired in a mate. Both sexes put appearance on the list. Men rated it fourth most important, women sixth. So looks are important to both men and women. They are more important to men, but not significantly more.

Although men and woman are portrayed completely differently in the media, psychologists say the real life differences are relatively slight. If you want a physical metaphor to illustrate the point, women are generally shorter than men. But there are some women who are taller than some men, and that doesn’t surprise us. Personality differences are even less pronounced, psychologists say. In this case, it’s really up to the individual you are dating or are with. Find out what they are like, what you are like and how you can resolve your differences without worrying about preconceived notions of gender. If you want to strip away the myths and really communicate with your partner read the scholarly work, Close Encounters: Communication in Relationships by Laura K. Guerrero.

The Importance of Open-Mindedness in Dating

open minded

The Importance of Open-Mindedness in Dating

There are lots of frustrated, depressed and discouraged daters out there in the world today. They don’t think they will ever find the one for them. But there are only a few attitudes that can mean the difference between someone happy and satisfied in their love life and those who are not. One of the most important qualities a person can exhibit in dating is open-mindedness. Most people have a mental or even a physical checklist for what they are looking for in the perfect match. The best daters know that however realistic their list seems, they will date people who have other qualities that they like that aren’t on the list, or they may date people who have potential but don’t have one or even a few of the qualities they decided they were in search of. But the best daters don’t write someone off completely merely because they don’t possess all of the qualities they decided they needed. In fact, they may continue to date this person or these people, and be open-minded enough to the possibility that a person who does have these qualities may come along.

Those who are open-minded can see potentialities with people, ways to be flexible and make things work. They also know that they may need to throw out their checklist altogether. Lots of people gulp and feel a wave of fear with the thought of taking a checklist they worked hard on, which they were committed to and chucking it out the window. But the truth is that the human heart is far more intricate, precarious, mysterious and difficult to quantify than anything else on earth. Said differently, you could fall in love with someone, struck out of nowhere like a lightning bolt, or it may come to you slowly as the tide slowly rolls in to shore. But this person that you fall for may not have any of the qualities on your list. Lots of people hem and haw, maybe even deny the feelings that they have for a person due to their checklist. But the thing about falling in love is, you can’t predict it. There are proclivities but no sets of conclusions. And if you knew all about love and how we fall in love right from the beginning, wouldn’t that take the mystery out of it? And in taking out that mystery wouldn’t we lose something in the beauty of love? It’s that same mysteriousness that makes it interesting. Remember to stick to your core values. This should be someone you are comfortable with and have chemistry with. But don’t turn away good catches because they have one little imperfection here or there. You might go hungry. And who doesn’t have imperfections? You may even notice some in yourself. We all have them. Just find someone who has the kind you can live with. For more dating advice read, Decoding Love: Why it Takes Twelve Frogs to Find a Prince, and Other Revelations from the Science of Attraction by Andrew Trees.

Why Jerks Win in Dating and What You Can Learn

DATING

Why Jerks Win in Dating and What You Can Learn

Have you been beaten out to a beautiful, angelic creature by a self-absorbed creep? Or are you a gal wondering why yet again you chose the narcissist over the good guy? Why do jerks seem to knock it out of the park more times than not at dating while good guys only seem to warm benches? It’s not rocket science. It really comes down to interaction. Here’s why jerks win in dating and what you can learn from them. First, jerks aren’t afraid to get shot down. Good guys are wracked with insecurity about it. But when you experience it, the truth is your imagination is way worse than what happens in real life. Next, they don’t care about hurting the other person’s feelings. Nice guys watch their step. But some of them walk on eggshells. The truth is women want someone whose desire for them causes the suitor to overstep normal boundaries. It’s better to be passionate and risk being rude than being polite but not making your desire clear. Jerks are entertaining. While nice guys can be dull. When going on a date, ramp up the charm, that’s a great way for a good guy to get his passion across in an interesting way, and one he’s comfortable with.  Why not add an air of mystery? Don’t tell her where you’re going on a date. Give her clues and keep her guessing. Be entertaining and you won’t lose out to a jerk.

A jerk keeps women on their toes. A nice guy doesn’t. A woman wants to be enchanted, taste a little danger or risk; she wants to know the guy she’s with is desirable and knows his worth. In fact, you could make her work a little bit to win you over. But if she gets too comfortable, she may get bored and then you’re back to square one. Occasionally turn the tables on her. Make her work for it. Surprise her. And keep her on her toes. Make your love worth something. If you give it too quickly or too freely than it’s worth less. Jerks don’t keep you guessing. You know where you stand with them. You know what they want. Nice guys sometimes beat around the bush for what they want. And if a woman is crossing the line he’s apt to let her go. But a jerk will hold her to task. A woman doesn’t want to be put on a pedestal. She wants to be challenged occasionally. So challenge her. It doesn’t have to be in a malicious way. Put her on notice when she’s crossed the line. But be direct and let her know what needs and desires you want her to fulfill, too. Chances are her interest will be piqued rather than decreased. Jerks aren’t afraid to be themselves. And a nice guy shouldn’t be afraid either. Utilize these and you can be nice and still get the girl; every good guy’s dream come true. For more advice, read The Guide to Picking up Girls by Gabe Fischbarg.