How to Pick Yourself Back up Again After a Divorce

How to Pick Yourself Back up Again After a Divorce

Each couple is unique, and so are the ways their relationships end. But there are patterns. Some couples have known for a long time things haven’t been working out. For others, one person surprises the other. In this case the shock can be earth-shattering. Being rejected by someone you felt so close to, and loved enough to marry (at least once upon a time) can tear you apart. An orderly and predictable life is now tossed into chaos. Everything has to be rearranged with the person you would least like to spend another minute with. Even after the arrangements and agreements, perhaps court battles, are over, and the grieving done, challenges do not evaporate. People may think you are alright at this stage. But for many of the newly divorced, moving forward remains difficult. A large portion of one’s identity has died and he or she has to find out what they can do to fill the void, how to rebuild themselves and make a life anew. That is scary. Such a large form of rejection, for those who were walked away from, can leave deep wounds in the ego that must be healed. And those who have been burned often have trouble reigniting their love life as trust remains an issue. It is not an easy time. But rest assured, you can get through it and find happiness again. Here is some advice on how to pick yourself up after a divorce and build the kind of life you want.

Fall in love with yourself again. Begin by making a list of your good qualities. What characteristics do you have that others admire or emulate? What skills do you possess that make you unique? One of the hardest parts of a divorce is reinventing yourself. We get used to the thought of being married. It becomes a part of our identity. Now it is time to reshape that identity. And the way to do that is to come to a better understanding of who you are, who it is you want to be, and what about yourself you want to project to the world. Dig deep and find what makes you happy, really deeply satisfied and fulfilled. Do you want to own your own business? Go back to school? Wish to totally change careers? Want to author the next great novel or see the world? Understand that as a single person, you have more freedom. You do not have to check in with anyone. You can also reinvent yourself without someone holding you back. A divorce is an ending, sure. But it is also a new beginning. Don’t waste a second chance at new and better life. A divorce may even in hindsight a blessing in disguise, the best thing that ever happened to you.

Reach out to those close to you if you are having a hard time. Sometimes it really helps just talking things over, or bouncing ideas off of someone you trust. Another problem is it can be difficult to meet someone new. Be patient. Online dating can take some time, and be hit or miss. Just work with a one or two websites or a site and an app. Don’t use them together for more than an hour each day. But lots of people have met online. Send out feelers offline too. Shake your social tree and see what singles drop out. It can’t hurt to ask a couple of close friends if they know anyone who is single. Chances are you and the recommended will get along well together. And you have someone in common, so there’s an ice breaker already in hand. Just don’t blame your friend, or feel guilty should it does not work out. Consider what kind of frequency you are emitting into the world. Are you a magnetic ray of sunshine, or a dark and scowling raincloud? You need to feel your authentic emotions, but when you come to that point where the real suffering is over, undo your negativity. Step out of the shadows and examine them. Set out to find their root causes and ways to unravel them. Find a way to radiate light and happiness and you will naturally attract the mate you seek. Build a better you, and a higher quality love interest should soon be at your side.

For more on overcoming divorce and other devastating life experiences read, You Can Heal Your Heart: Finding Peace After a Breakup, Divorce, or Death by Louise L. Hay and David Kessler.

Possible Reasons Why You’re Still Single

Possible Reasons Why You’re Still Single

Some people are lone wolves. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it can feel like a life filled with freedom. But most of us are searching around for our other half. After a bad relationship, being single can feel liberating. But for most of us, there are certain instances where being single can make you feel lonely too. Times like getting a table for one at a restaurant, going on vacation by yourself, going to a wedding without a date, or sitting in a movie theater before the film starts, while happy, contented couples are yapping away. You begin to wonder why a great person like you could possibly be single. After a while a dry spell, or dating lots of people but where nobody stands out, can get tiresome. So if you are in the doldrums of love, what’s the deal? How do you get the squalls of passion bellowing through your life once again? Why are you still single? It could one of several reasons. Some people have opened up and gotten hurt in the past. They carry that around with them and it weighs them down. At other times, their last relationship left a negative residue on them that they can’t seem to rub off. Whatever the case, some daters are defensive. But by being this way you are repelling worthwhile candidates. Try to let go of bitterness. Find your fun, flirty self once again. Take a personal journey inward and let out your inner child come out to play. If you can bring out your fun side, you will be radiating positive energy and the right people will be drawn to you.

Next, think about the type of person you are attracted to. Are they good for you? Are these healthy relationships you have been having? Some people are attracted to the wrong type. They like the bad boy or bad girl, and think they can change him or her. It usually takes only a few times to find out the only person you can truly change is yourself. There are those who have a nurturing aspect to their personality. They are givers. They give and give and get upset when their partner cannot return as much as they put out. These givers need takers. But in a relationship both parties have to try and meet one another somewhere near the middle. One person has to learn how to give, the other to receive. For many their partner’s efforts are never enough. This could be true, or it could be a case of unrealistic expectations. Each should be recognized for his or her own capacities. In fact, one of the greatest parts of true, unadulterated love is being able to see another person for how they truly are, recognizing them faults and all, and accepting and love them regardless. But you have to find someone whose faults you can come to terms with and vice versa. That can be tricky but worth investing in.

Besides being too picky, falling into unhealthful patterns, and fearing intimacy, some people have a low self-esteem. They settle for those they really are not into, thinking that they cannot attract those they want. But these daters are always dissatisfied in their love life. The best thing to do is to learn to love yourself, work on yourself first. The most attractive people of all are those who are completely self-possessed. They are absolutely comfortable in their own skin. There are those who fear being humiliated through trying to date when they feel too old or no longer attractive. But love at any stage in life can bring with it tremendous joy. It also motivates us to be better people. We want to bridge the gap, invest in ourselves, and impress someone who has potential. But always remember that the first and most important person to love is yourself. Heal yourself. Invest in your journey. Fall in love with yourself and life all over again. If you do, your heart will glow like a beacon calling your beloved forth.

For more such advice read, If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?: Ten Strategies That Will Change Your Love Life Forever by Susan Page.

Men Have a Hard Time Understanding Women’s Emotions

Men Have a Hard Time Understanding Women’s Emotions

When a relationship is not going well, it is many times the woman who is dissatisfied. Ask any divorce lawyer or just look at the statistics and you will see the majority of divorces are filed by women. In these cases, they usually complain that their man does not care about them, or does not care about their emotional needs. But the problem is oftentimes not that he does not care, but that he does not understand what it is she wants. Men and women communicate differently. Men are very direct. Women come at issues from different angles. Men are problem-solvers. For women, the needs vary. Sometimes they need emotional validation or support, and at other times just some understanding. A gal does not necessarily want her guy to solve her problem, but just to listen. Women can usually read each other’s emotions quite easily, and they come to one another’s aide in sympathy and kind words without even being asked. But a man who can pick up on her general mood, may not notice all the nuances within it. Understand that communication is a skill in which we all learn. We are not limited by our gender. In fact, each partner should try earnestly to consider how the other person communicates, and tune in to their frequency.

This may mean that a man learns to not only hear but really listen to his girlfriend or wife. He should not be so quick to offer logical suggestions and advice. Instead, he should listen carefully, tell her in his own words how he understands the situation, and validates her feelings. Consider the difficulty of the problem and her capability of handling it, before offering advice. If you believe she is able to handle this one, keep the advice to yourself, or only extend it if she asks. For women if she has certain emotional needs her man is not getting, she needs to tell him directly, and learn to be more direct about her thoughts and feelings. Sometimes women have an attitude such like, “He should just know” Or “If he really loved me he would know.” But the majority of men communicate directly. So he has no hope in knowing. It also cuts out a woman’s responsibility to communicate her feelings to her man, in a way he can understand. But it too shows her anxiety surrounding these feelings. No matter how much alike you look at the onset, there are wide gulfs between any two individuals. If they are to stay together these chasms need crossing. Any worthwhile relationship is built on good communication. It is not a miracle simply arrived upon but the result of long, patient conversations and hard work.

For some women crying is a way of venting. It makes certain men uncomfortable however. And women may feel ashamed afterward. But really they just want support from their partner, not for him to pull away. Men are taught never to cry in our society. Ladies, if you cry just let him know that this is emotional venting. Guys, hold her and be there for her and you will make the relationship stronger. Lastly, fellas if a woman wants to talk about an emotional problem you two are having, do not get defensive and start yelling at her. You should not just apologize and clam up either. Both may put stress on the relationship, rather than relieve it, and the first choice definitely will. Instead, listen to her and re-explain in your own words. When she feels you get it, show her that you care, validate her, and work together to find a solution. Lastly, men sometimes have a hard time communicating their emotions. Ladies, be patient. Guys, find a way to tell her how you feel, so she understands you better. Communication is not easy. But get it right and your relationship will be so much closer, and you will end up cherishing every moment together.

For more on what to do when the real work in a relationship begins pick up a copy of, Post-Romantic Stress Disorder: What to Do When the Honeymoon Is Overby John Bradshaw and Joe Barrett.

Forgive in a Relationship but Don’t Forget

Forgive in a Relationship but Don’t Forget

There can be no healthy relationship without forgiveness. Besides communication, forgiveness is perhaps the most important quality to be engaged by both partners. Use it unsparingly unless your partner has crossed an un-crossable line. For most, our transgressions can be forgiven, and amends made. We all push boundaries and go too far once in a while. It is after all human nature. Perhaps some do it without even realizing it. Forgiveness is a quality we usually learn as a child when our siblings or peers have gone too far, but when their misbehaviors are forgivable. It is a quality parents and teachers instill and reinforce within us. Everyone has a different capacity for forgiveness, and some need more time to do so than others. But everyone can learn to forgive. Though some say they do, in their heart they secretly carry anger and resentment. But this can be toxic both to the person themselves and the relationship. Psychologists say those who can actually forgive experience better mental health. It is not about justice but healing. Remember what Nelson Mandela said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” Forgiveness is actually about ourselves, not the other person.

For those who have gone through a bitter divorce, or some other trauma, therapists say that when we are ready, we should forgive, whether the perpetrator deserves it or not, and whether they accept it or not. That is not for their benefit, but our own, so we can let go of the bitterness that is poisoning our heart, and be able to heal and move on. The reason you should not forget is that we learn from examining past experiences. We find out more about ourselves, our partner, and how best to handle the same or a similar situation in the future. We learn what we are sensitive about, what are buttons are and how they can be pushed, and if we delve deeper we can learn about the origins of these things too. What exactly are you set off by and why? Does it lead to past, undealt with trauma? And what was it about your partner that made them go there? Was it an accident or did they do it on purpose? By examining these, you can get to know yourself better, your partner, and your relationship too.

After the honeymoon phase, couples are met with a series of inconsistencies or incongruities that they must negotiate in order to stay together. It is from here that many transgressions arise. Another area can be the emotional baggage one or both partners carry. Forgiveness is important to bring things back to center. But using the knowledge of what occurred can help you to create some ways of operating or develop some basic rules, to keep the same problem from happening again. Out of this you grow stronger, and closer, and your relationship develops. This improves the overall health of the relationship, strengthens commitment, and allows the couple to avoid such problems in the future. It can be very difficult to forgive, especially for the proud and hot heated, and those who tend to hold a grudge. But whether you are planning to stay in this relationship, or your lovers wrongdoings have been too great, forgiveness is the most important step toward healing. Remember that forgiveness is not allowing mistreatment to go on. Instead, it is understanding what happened to you, and coming to terms with it.

For more pick up a copy of Forgiveness: 21 Days to Forgive Everyone for Everything by Iyanla Vanzant.

Marry for the Right Reasons

Marry for the Right Reasons

Lots of girls fantasize about their wedding day where she will look gorgeous, and take the princely man of her dreams as his lawfully wedded wife. It is a spectacular event mimicking the fairy tales of childhood. The wedding industry perpetuates this myth and is rewarded handsomely for doing so. Whether it is a deeply fulfilling, edifying experience or not after the honeymoon is over, and moving forward into life depends upon a lot of things. If it is a marriage of two well developed, sound, and self-actualized equals, the marriage while still needing lots of work, and tender, loving care, but will be by and large a happy one. Trouble is lots of women and men too marry for the wrong reasons. This is where things get into trouble. Because whatever one person’s problems are, instead of being muted by the marriage, it is amplified by it. Each person’s problems affect the other, and is reflected back on one another, affecting the relationship as a whole. Marriage unfortunately is never a solution to problems. It only makes them worse. It is like those people who to try and solve the problems of a relationship by having a child, never thinking that the extra stresses that child brings could only make things worse. So make sure you marry for the right reasons, and avoid a painful divorce. Here are some reasons not to get married.

Some people marry to escape a bad situation at home. They have abusive or neglectful parents. Perhaps their closest family members ignore or criticize them. Though flight may be a solution, throwing one’s self into a marriage will only compound your issues. In this scenario their selection process may not be so well honed. They are thinking of the situation they are escaping, instead of carefully vetting their partner to see if this person is who they want to spend the rest of their life with. Some people get married because it just seems like the next logical step. Maybe they were high school sweethearts, and have a long history together. Their parents get along. They have a good group of friends, and everyone seems to be expecting them to tie the knot. But when we enter our twenties, we start to mature quite a bit. Those who marry so young often feel cheated, like they missed out on some great experiences in life. The two may also grow apart. Sometimes these relationships last. But usually, each person ends up going in their own separate direction. If you are young, wait and if it is right, go for it. But even with older people, if you do not in your heart feel that marriage is right, and are doing it just because it is expected, you may not give the marriage your all. Your partner will feel it, and so will you. And this will taint the relationship.

You should never get married to fix your soon-to-be spouse. If one person’s says he or she cannot live without the other, will even kill themselves if the other leaves, marriage is only going to make this situation worse. You cannot fix anyone and you cannot save anyone. The only person who can truly save someone is themselves. They have to come to the realization that their path is wrong and they need help. Unless you are a certified psychologist, though you may be savvy with people, begin to realize that this is beyond your scope. When we get married, we more or less take on the emotional baggage and psychological trauma the other has faced, and this is reciprocal. This situation is draining when one has serious issues to address. The saver spends all their time on the savee, who becomes a suck on their energy, and their life. No one in this situation can develop as a person, and the martyr gets stunted as a result. Both people will end up resenting one another and the marriage implodes.

Lastly, do not get married just to have company and avoid being alone. These are the folks that always had someone. But later in life when the demands of career, perhaps children, and a lack of meeting someone new put them through a dry spell. They fear going home to an empty apartment, and the approach of the weekend fills them with dread. But this is roulette. This person is likely to marry the first lover who shows any interest. They may be compatible. Or they may end up being toxic to one another. When one has issues with abandonment, familial issues, obsessive guilt, or moves from outward expectation instead of inward motivation, a marriage is shaky from the beginning. Become someone who is comfortable in their own skin, and find a partner you love but are also compatible with, and your marriage, while it will have its ups and downs, will be a happy one built to last. Otherwise there is painful litigation, the splitting up of assets, child custody battles, and a lot of emotional turmoil to look forward to. Understand that the person you choose to marry can uplift you to the firmament, or send you crashing down into the abyss. Choose wisely.

For more pick up a copy of, Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married by Gary D Chapman.