The Aftereffects of Cheating on a Marriage

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The Aftereffects of Cheating on a Marriage

Once you find out about cheating, it can cut you so deep that it feels as though the pain will never go away. If you are the cheater you start to realize how getting sucked up in the moment can have tremendous consequences on your life. But what are the real aftereffects of cheating on a marriage? If you are staying together, it means trying to pick up the pieces and reestablish trust, no easy feat there. You may feel like you are in jail or constantly on trial in your own house. If you are the victim of cheating you’ll feel like you’re living with a criminal, someone who reminds you constantly of the betrayal, someone you are always suspicious of no matter what they are doing. It’s hard to reestablish trust and it takes lots of time.

If you aren’t staying together, realize that unless the assets were used to conduct an affair, no fault divorce laws in every state means that cheating has no legal bearing on the separation of assets. In Florida the law is such that if a husband was meeting a lover, let’s say at a hotel room using his and his wife’s shared account, if she can prove it she can recoup that money. Adultery may come into play in a custody battle if the lawyer can prove that it shows evidence of that person being a bad parent.

The psychological aftereffects of cheating after divorce are low self-esteem, anxiety, anger and the need for revenge, depression and for some a disconnect from reality. Sometimes you realize the affair all of a sudden and it ends the marriage. Sometimes it’s one person’s dirty little secret that the other knows about, but tolerates for a time. But sooner or later enough is enough. Either way when you find out you’ve been cheated on the pain can be overwhelming. And when it leads to a divorce it is compounded, especially if it is a long, drawn out and painful divorce with fighting over the assets or custody of the children.

Lots of people need to rest after that, reconnect with themselves, their friends, and their family. They have to get used to being divorced and being single again. There are lots of adjustments to be made. Where will you live? Do you have to go back to work? There’s the need for validation which usually comes from dating again or a rebound relationship. Am I attractive? Will others find me sexy? Sooner or later everyone gets over infidelity even if it leads to divorce. It’s a painful journey but light is at the end of that tunnel. Usually things fall into place in the long run. For more help with recovering from an affair, read the book, Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD): The Six Stages of Healing by Dennis C. Ortman, Ph.D.

Being a Divorced Parent that had Divorced Parents

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Being a Divorced Parent that had Divorced Parents

There are lots of people out there today who grew up with divorced parents and are now themselves divorced, and the first experience can influence the second. But you shouldn’t let the ghosts of your parents’ divorce haunt your current one. Remember that this divorce isn’t your parents’ and you and your ex-spouse aren’t them. For instance, if your father was cold and distant after the divorce it doesn’t automatically mean that your spouse will act that way. If your parents had a contentious divorce it doesn’t mean that your divorce has to be contentious. Instead, don’t put any presumptions on your own divorce. Keep an eye and ear open but don’t impose what you think will happen in the process. The same goes for your own children. Since you yourself have been through your parents’ divorce, you can empathize with them in a powerful and unique way.  But don’t assume that they will be feeling the same way as you did or will act the same as you did, although they may. If you assume so however you risk making things worse instead of listening to the child, validating their feelings, letting them know they are not at fault and played no part, and supporting them through the process. Try to cultivate your best self through this process, and show your ex-spouse that best self. See it through the view that it simply didn’t work out and now it’s time to work things out for the best, and particularly what works best for the children.

Realize that no matter how logical you or your ex-spouse are, or how much you think you know about divorce, it is bound to drive you crazy at some point. Your ex may lose their mind for a period as well. We are all human. No one is perfectly logical all of the time. Divorce too is very stressful, painful and draining even for the most amicable of splits. Understand that you may have some disagreements in asset allocation. The best you can do is be as adult as you can. It may get even worse when there are few if any assets to split up. Sometimes divorce deals us a crushing blow. But know that you won’t be down and out forever. You will pick yourself up and get back into the mix. You are capable of much more than your imagination and your fears would lead you to believe. You will find hope, happiness, even forgiveness in times ahead. But you need to give yourself some slack and some breathing room in order to reach that place. Don’t be frightened. If you enter into a divorce with fear consuming you, or anger or any other emotion the tone you will be setting will infect the rest of the proceedings. If you want to keep things as civil as possible maintain a tone of mature professionalism in all of the proceedings. Keep your cool at all times and things are bound to work out better for you.

Of course, there are some things during the marriage that you’ll no longer have to deal with, and this will put you at ease. There are other things about your ex or your former relationship that will still drive you up a wall even throughout the divorce; these you’ll have to endure. Remember that you will be co-parenting with this person for quite some time. Keep your children’s needs and emotional welfare at the forefront of your thoughts and in dealing with your ex. Make sure that both of you let them know that it isn’t their fault and be there for them. You may have nurtured the fantasy that your parents would get back together some day. Remember how that feels and understand that your children harbor the same fantasy. Talk about it with them and let them know that even though this is how it is both parents still love them, support them and want what is best for them. Realize that in each divorce, the dysfunctional issues that existed below the surface will come to the forefront during a divorce, and be prepared for them. Don’t feel judged because you are getting divorced. Understand that some people who were friends with both of you will chose sides, and it may hurt but be okay with it if they choose your ex over you. Divorce is painful for everyone involved. But with the right mindset, reaching out to your network of friends, setting the right tone, doing the right things and giving yourself a break you’ll make it through and be much better off once it’s over. To safeguard your children through this trying time, read Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce by JoAnne Pedro-Carroll.

10 Steps to Divorcing your Wife

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Divorce can be so painful emotionally. Who did what to who is often dragged out between husband and wife while the whole mess plays out. Besides custody the biggest issue of contention is splitting up the assets. Of course both parties’ assets should be included in the negotiations. Oftentimes however one or both parties is ignorant about the household finances. At other times one may be hiding assets from the other but where to look remains a mystery. If your wife is working but the squeeze was put on her salary, or you don’t know what the house is worth due to the Great Recession, don’t worry, you are not alone. There are ways to figure this out, too. A divorce may be protracted and even excruciating but the good news is it’s only a temporary bump on the road of life. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You will certainly be happy again. Though there is a lot of stress, anguish, and sometimes other emotions like guilt, sadness and regret, pretty soon you’ll have all of this behind you. You just have to find out how to manage the situation as well as you can, take breaks for your mental health, manage the situation wisely and keep your head on straight. If you can do that you’ll get through this thing smashingly. Here are 10 steps to divorcing your wife. Step 1: If you’ve been handing your paycheck over to your wife for years and don’t know where the money is going, it behooves you to do so now. Find out everything you can about the finances. Do you have a retirement plan, a mortgage, credit card bills, investments, tax returns and copies of the trust and wills? If not, you’d better get on that. Get as many financial papers together as you can and get to know intimately your financial situation. Ignorance is not bliss and what you don’t know can be used against you, or hidden from you.

Step 2: Take a look into all of your spouse’s affairs. You’ll want to know as much as you can to relate back to your lawyer. Step 3: Protect yourself. Are you the victim of “sudden divorce syndrome?” If so, your wife may have a plan on how she’s going to keep afloat. Make sure to put some money aside just in case. You don’t want to be left in the dark while she cleans out the joint bank account. Step 4: Now it’s time to open a separate credit card in your name only. Step 5: Freeze joint credit cards and any open a home equity line so your wife doesn’t run up the bills. While you two are still legally married your credit can be affected by whatever she is spending. Cancel the joint bank account, too. You don’t want to be left without any cash or credit to your name. If you two are on decent terms you can work this out together, cancelling the cards and splitting the joint account amicably. If not you can take your share out of the joint account and cancel the cards altogether. Step 6: Do you have any savings you brought with you to the marriage, an inheritance or any other personal savings? Make sure to take custody of these immediately. Depending upon what state you live in, if you don’t secure it, it could be split during the settlement.

Step 7: Do you each have retirement plans? If so, both can come up in the divorce settlement. If you are cordial, perhaps this is something to be worked out on your own. If not so cordial, secure your retirement plan. If you have an IRA with a written agreement, a Qualified Domestic Relations Order, or QDRO will be required before you can touch any of that money. For a traditional pension a financial professional will have to assess it. Step 8: Look at the alimony situation. Does your wife work? If she has a low salary or doesn’t acquire one at all you may be paying alimony. But you won’t have to supply her lifestyle with cash forever. Spouses are expected to go out and get jobs these days. Step 9: If your wife was working and you weren’t but you need the health insurance, remember that you have sixty days to sign up for it. Step 10: Have a financial adviser help you plan out your finances from the start. Select a good lawyer with a good reputation and lots of experience. Keep talking to your friends and family. Learn to get things off your chest. Don’t get stuck on the little things; look at the big picture. Heal your heart and when you’re ready look for someone to love again. For more, be sure to read Divorce – Get Your Life Back In 30 Days After A Divorce Or Break Up – For Men by Francisco Bujan.

What you should do Before Getting a Divorce

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If you are pointing toward divorce and don’t think you can be happy otherwise, be confident in your decision, but take the necessary precautions to protect yourself before filing those papers. Lots of people fly into a rage in the middle of an argument and ask for a divorce. Others have had enough neglect, loneliness or awkward emotions and flee the family home one day when they’ve decided they’ve had enough. But carrying through with these emotions is not advised. In fact, it would be better if you took some time and really thought it through. A divorce is a long, painful and precarious situation. How things play out in the next six months could determine what situation you are living under for years to come, and if you have children perhaps decades, even the rest of your life. So it’s important to stop, calm down and start to develop a plan on what is best and how to move ahead. First, consider seeing a marriage counselor. Perhaps your problems can be fixed. But if not, even if it is hopeless and it’s best to move on you can get divorce counseling. It will show you where you two took a wrong turn, how to get along and get the best resolution for all parties, and how to move on. Make sure you find a counselor who is well qualified and has experience in these types of situations.

Before talking to your spouse about divorce speak with an attorney. Make sure they are reputable and have handled similar divorce cases. When you are stressed, angry and anxiety ridden you can’t think straight. In this situation the advice of an attorney is so worthwhile. You’ll need to find out about the allocation of assets, custody issues should you have children, child support and more. Be sure to take steps to safeguard assets and belongings before filing for divorce. Protect things such as your vehicle, furniture, money in joint bank accounts, jewelry, precious art or artifacts, collectibles and other assets. You don’t want a jealous spouse cleaning out the bank account or running off with your grandmother’s priceless diamond ring. If your spouse has any property, you may be able to file with the town or county deeds office your interest in that property. You will need to speak to an attorney about the actual laws in your state pertaining to this. You may want to protect your credit rating by freezing joint accounts or credit cards and opening your own separate account in your name only. You may also want to put the utility bills in your own name.

Make sure to organize all the bills, deeds, car loans, mortgage payments, bank accounts, utilities, insurance policies and other paperwork and assets. Paperwork is your friend now. You don’t want to get sideswiped by anything, nor do you want your soon-to-be ex getting away with any hidden assets you have a right to. In fact, if you can prove they are hiding assets that will give you a leg up in court. These financial records give you insight and perhaps ammunition. Know where everything is and where everything is going. If you have the time organize all your financials into software such as Power Wallet or Mint. Or you can put everything into a spreadsheet using Excel. Know the balances, interest rate and terms on all of the bills. Know the balance of each bank account. Make sure you are intimately aware of whose name is on what account. You need to have a good idea of whose is what and who owes what debts so that assets and debt can be allocated as fairly as possible. The joint assets such as a joint bank account or a mortgage must be divvied up. You have to be ready for that conversation with lawyers or without. If you leave their name on this or these assets you are basically letting them do what they wish with them. Look at when it’s best to look at your credit report. You may want to discuss the matter with your accountant or a financial advisor. See how the divorce is going to affect your credit and safeguard yourself. Always keep a paper trail of everything. Divorce can happen suddenly. So if things are going south you should be ready for it. Otherwise, if you are the one who will be filing for divorce, the more careful preparation you do now the better your chances at a positive outcome in the future. To learn more, pick up a copy of Divorce: Think Financially, Not Emotionally: What Women Need To Know About Securing Their Financial Future Before, During, and After Divorce by Jeffrey A. Landers.

5 Steps to Divorcing your Husband

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Getting a divorce is a huge decision. But most people know deep in their heart when the time is right, when you have irreconcilable differences, when there has been too many grievances to repair trust or when you just can’t be happy together or get along anymore. Most people are solid on the emotional issues and how to move forward in that sense. But when it comes to the legal sense they are often clueless. Many don’t look into the process at all. They are vulnerable to shady operators. What you are looking for in the legal sense is a Petition for Dissolution.  Once a judgment is entered then the divorce is final, but not before. Without that document you aren’t legally divorced. Some not-so-honest lawyers let cases go on and on for years without getting a judgment handed down. So it’s best to know, be informed about the process so that it can move forward as smoothly as possible without wasting time, money and adding more emotional distress than there needs to be. Here are 5 steps to divorcing your husband. The first step, file a petition of dissolution. In the 1970’s no-fault divorce laws came to fruition in many states across the country. Find out what the particular situation is in your state. In no-fault states, either party can file a petition of dissolution for any reason. In states where one spouse has to be at fault, reasons such as infidelity, domestic abuse and others may need to be stated. Most states however are no-fault states. But you definitely need to check. A quick Google search should tell you.

There is generally a charge to file this petition. The document will be served to your soon-to-be ex-spouse to notify them of your wish to be divorced from them. It’s a good idea to let your husband know that you’ve filed for a divorce previous to receiving the papers, or else it could be a big shock, make them fly into a rage,  or result in some other negative emotional response. After the one person is served with papers, they have 30 days in order to compose and send in a response. If they fail to file, the petitioner or the person who filed for divorce can ask for a default of judgment. The filer should then receive all of the things they asked for in the original petition. There may be exceptions. Make sure you select a divorce lawyer carefully and discuss this with him or her should your husband fail to respond. Now an automatic temporary restraining order (ATRO) will be put into place to prevent one spouse or the other from absconding with the children, selling or cleaning out the couple’s assets and so on as an act of revenge. You are not allowed to take your children out of state at this time. You can’t benefit from any insurance claims at this time. No concealing or transferring property or other assets. Now you’ve completed the first step and are in divorce proceedings. It won’t end until you get a judgment from the court.

It usually takes around six months or so to get a judgment. That said, custody and the splitting of assets are the two main items to be negotiated and settled upon. Will there be spousal support? Who gets the house and how are the assets to be allocated? Now it’s time for our second step, to get a court date in order to work these issues out, called an “Order to Show Cause” or an OSC. This process is called “pendent lite,” which is Latin meaning, “while the case is pending”. Whatever arrangements met at this time are not permanent, though the longer they stay in place the more likely they will become permanent. You can negotiate with your ex-spouse at any time and reach an agreement during this phase. Both parties should file OSC in order to gain some peace and some space. Now if there has been any physical or emotional abuse you should take part in our third step, filing a domestic abuse restraining order.

Now the fourth step is called the disclosure of finances. Many times in a marriage one party knows much more about the finances than the other. Furthermore, many states assume that even if one spouse has stayed home and hasn’t worked, their contribution through domestic duties and perhaps caring for the children mean that they are entitled to their fair share of the assets. Even if they were total couch potatoes, how the law states it is clear. However, be sure to check on the particulars with your attorney as laws can vary from state to state. Hiding assets will not be looked on favorably by the judge. In fact, he or she may award even more than their fair share in recompense for the deceit. It’s best to disclose everything. Now, once the disclosures are done the settlement negotiation begins. That’s our fifth step. How much will support be? How will property and other assets be allocated? Who gets custody of the children? How will holidays be divvied up? If no settlement can be reached a court date will be required and set. Now you can ask for a stipulated judgment or a marital settlement agreement (MSA). The difference between the two is that one is a judgment handed down by the court; the MSA is an actual contract. If it is breached then you can sue for breach of contract. Finally, you will then receive a Notice of Entry of Judgment which gives you a legal date for when your divorce took place. Once that document is filed you are officially, legally divorced. For more on this, pick up a copy of Getting Divorced Without Ruining Your Life: A Reasoned, Practical Guide to the Legal, Emotional and Financial Ins and Outs of Negotiating a Divorce Settlement by Sam Margulies.