Don’t let a Selfish Partner Hurt you

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Don’t let a Selfish Partner Hurt you

It may be hard to recognize the selfish, at least at first. Oftentimes they are social butterflies. Everyone loves and adores them. And everyone wants to cater to them, including you. But as time goes on and the charm starts to wear, as you get to peek more and more below the surface sometimes you start to see that this person’s whole world revolves around them. There isn’t room for you at all. You find yourself giving more and more, but they never return your energy or affection like they should. Instead, they suck you dry like a psychic vampire.

Don’t let a selfish partner hurt you. First, realize when a person is selfish and when you haven’t communicated your needs with them fully. Perhaps they don’t know what you want or how to fulfil your needs. Be patient. Communicate in lots of ways. See if they have a need to fulfill your desires but don’t know how to go about it. Help them. If they find excuses or are too resistant chances are they are selfish. But oftentimes one person in a relationship thinks the other should automatically know what they want. No one automatically knows what anyone wants. It isn’t a sign of love or not loving. It just means you have to learn to communicate your needs effectively.

Next, consider what the speech or behavior they are exhibiting is and if it is in fact selfish. What things do you do for them? Make a list. See what things they do for you. How does the list measure up? Some people look to date those that they can manipulate to get their own needs, wants and desires fulfilled without any concern or regard for the other person. Does this sound familiar? In a normal relationship the power dynamic is equal. But if you never do what you want to do, never go to the restaurants you want, never see the movie you want, never visit your family, and always undercut your desires to that of your partner, that person is indeed selfish. Your partner is probably convinced of how great they are and how lucky you are to have them. They think you need them and should get down on your knees and thank the heavens for putting them in your life. Talk about nerve.

If you think you are constantly being manipulated by a selfish person and no matter how many times you confront them, or try to get them to change, they don’t, make plans to end the relationship. Start drifting from them physically and emotionally. Detach from them. If they start freaking out show them the behavior you have to put up with. Use their words against them. Make it really uncomfortable for them. Then approach them about splitting up. Chances are they will be happy about it by then. No one wants to be in a relationship where they aren’t having fun, where they are being used. So turn the tables on them with coldness and you will have your freedom soon enough. For more advice read, Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans.

Do You Suffer from Love Addiction?

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Do You Suffer from Love Addiction?

Everyone’s seen at least one couple like this. Where the woman is gorgeous, sweet and has a startling career or is packing a tremendous IQ. But she’s engaged to a dimwitted, repugnant loser. What on earth is she doing with him?! Or the guy who has everything going for him and he dates a woman who is coarse, vain, boorish and obtuse. What’s going on here? They may be love addicts, all hopped up on intimacy. They would rather be with someone substandard than be all alone. Rutgers University biological anthropologist Helen Fisher says love comes on in our brain like an amphetamine, followed by a dazzling opiate, all of which our own systems create. There is scientific data backing her up. A recent study of heartbroken lovers found shocking results. They had their brains scanned under an FMRI and found that a painful breakup mimicked quitting a cocaine addiction. That’s how powerful love is, and how the absence of it can feel. And of course, just like anything some people get addicted to it.  For those who truly suffer love addiction, generally one or both parents were emotionally unavailable. Here the person is perpetually trying to win the love they missed out on in childhood.

Tennessee detox and recovery clinic “The Ranch” specializes in all kinds of addictions, including sex addiction, emotional co-dependency and intimacy disorders. Psychologists there say that love addicts come in many different hues. Love addiction is defined as a compulsive need toward romance, relationships and sex that is harmful to both the addict and his or her partner. According to Ranch psychologists, “Although it may sound less damaging than other addictions, it shares many similarities.” Here love is a façade. The person goes and creates situations filled with drama as an entertainment and distraction. Only their lover can make their life meaningful, they say. Without their partner they don’t want to live. At least, until another one comes along. For women in their 40’s, a biochemical reason may be at fault. Hormones trick women of a certain age into thinking they are so in love, far more so than usual, in order to receive a fresh course of genes before the last of the eggs are gone, signaling the onset of menopause.

There are different kinds of behaviors a love addict can get involved with. Some get too attached. Then they undermine the relationship themselves causing it to end, so that they can get another partner and feel that rush of love beginning anew, once again. Others have abandonment issues. They will hold onto a bad relationship no matter the cost. There are those who are manipulative and controlling, others clingy and desperate. Sometimes love addicts target those who avoid intimacy, forming a sort of strange codependency, a mechanism where the relationship becomes a constant skirmish filled with pain and pleasure, in a war without end. Picture a tornado of constant bickering intermingled with makeup sex. But is that really a great love worth fighting for as such addicts claim? For most of us it is a recipe for a long-term headache but a relationship which won’t last. Besides dopamine—the reward neurochemical released in the brain, oxytocin is also present. This is the bonding biochemical which initiates the “calm and cuddle” response. This, evolutionary anthropologists’ believe, is essential to the creation and raising of children.  In men, a similar neurotransmitter is present called vasopressin. So take a look at your relationship, or the one you just walked away from, to see if you’ve been laid victim to a biochemical dependency, if in fact you are as the Huey Lewis song claims “Addicted to Love.” If you believe you may actually have a problem pick up a copy of, Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love by Pia Mellody and Andrea Wells Miller.

If she’s Doing These Things, Call Off the Wedding

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If she’s Doing These Things, Call Off the Wedding

Weddings are stressful, especially on the bride to be. Plans, problems, arranging different things, family members and bridesmaids who disagree, the list goes on. That said, marriage can also be quite stressful. You want a life partner if you are willing to take the plunge. Divorce is painful, lengthy and expensive. Your best chance is to marry right in the first place. To do that you should help her, support her, but watch what signs she’s exhibiting and how she deals with stress. Chances are there will be great waves that come and rock your marriage. This is the time to tell if you’ll be able to weather those storms or sink to the bottom of the murky depths.

Look out for the warning signs and if things don’t feel right in your gut, feel alright backing out of it. Everyone will understand. If they don’t they aren’t on your side to begin with. If she’s doing these things, call off the wedding. First, expect her to be totally stressed. But if she turns into an absolute nightmare, punch out. Years from now when she’s totally flipping out on you and you have nowhere to run or hide, you would have wished you listened to this advice. If she’s being absolutely ridiculous understand that this isn’t the last time you’ll see this behavior and consider carefully.

Watch out if she tells you to cancel the bachelor party. This is truly the one ritual that exists separate, that is only for the man. It’s a rite of passage in our culture moving from singledom to a married man all in the company of your best buds. Whether it’s paintball, camping or Vegas it’s the one thing that defines maleness in your run up to the wedding. She may say she doesn’t want you going to a gentleman’s club or that she doesn’t trust what your friends might do. But what you should be hearing is manipulative and controlling. Are there other hints at this behavior? Does she tell you what to wear? Has she already selected the names of your children? Does she tell you what to eat and what not to? It may seem cute in the beginning but this emasculating behavior will either make her your superior or force you out of the relationship.

Though you are getting married, it doesn’t mean you have to rush into parenthood. Is your girl living too much in the future? If she’s talking about the home décor of a house you don’t own, what colleges your kids will go to when you don’t have any yet, and where you will retire she is probably trying to catch up with her friends and lose your relationship in the process. Talk to her. Get her to slow down and enjoy the now. But if she refuses, you’ll have to keep up with her friends forever. Better to hit the eject button. For more advice read, The Marriage Compatibility Test: 101 Questions to Ask before You Marry by Richard Chesser.

Convincing a Relative to Leave an Abusive Spouse

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Convincing a Relative to Leave an Abusive Spouse

It’s horrible when you find out a relative of yours is in an abusive marriage or relationship. You can feel so helpless. On the one hand, you want to say something so badly. On the other, you are afraid that they will resent you for trying to break them up, or merely swear nothing is wrong and distance themselves from you. This is a delicate matter which must be approached correctly, and with finesse. One way to handle it is to get them alone. Talk to them about your own relationship. If you are single, talk about your parents, a sibling, anyone else’s relationship. Talk about positive things that their spouse or significant other did for that person, or how they handle fights by communicating so well.

Get them to open up about their relationship. With enough details they should start to compare and come to the conclusion that something isn’t right. Don’t push and don’t expect that they will come to this conclusion the first time. Instead, keep trying to drop subtle hints without coming right out and saying it. If this doesn’t work, you may have to have an intervention. The problem with this kind of relationship is that the spouse is so manipulative they make them think that the spouse needs them and eventually that they cannot live without the spouse.

Be careful as his or her behavior may not be counted on. They may lash out at you at times, get depressed, even miss the spouse who is abusing them. Be patient with your relative. Remind them why this is happening. Get them away from it all to a place where they can relax and have fun. Give them chances to show what they know and help them to build self-esteem. In many abusive relationships, one spouse beats down the other for so long, that they can feel worthless. Give them little goals and celebrate it when they reach them. Give them space if they need it. But let them know that you will be there for them, no matter what.

In terms of safety, get your relative to a safe place like a battered woman’s shelter, or to live with you or another relative without contact with the abusive spouse. If need be, have them contact the authorities. Make sure that they get the help that they need. Your relative should start therapy if and when they are ready. The town or city can direct you to free services in your area.  Take heart, your relative will get through this. They will thank you and will be so grateful that they had you and other good people to get them through this difficult time. And someday they will meet someone who treats them right. If you’re trapped in an abusive relationship read, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing by Beverly Engel.

Ending a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship

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Ending a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship

If you somehow found yourself in a manipulative or controlling relationship, it may seem impossible to end it. Though it can be difficult, it can certainly be done. You may feel guilty, somewhat responsible, wondering if they can make it without you, or visa-versa. But that’s just the manipulation talking. How can you be happy, fulfilled and truly free with this person in your life controlling you? You need to prepare, go through with it and move on with your life.

First, realize that you are being controlled. Has the person had terrible outbursts followed by how much they want and need you? Did you try to leave before and they threatened you, or even threatened suicide? Have they slowly wormed their way into every aspect of your life? Do they put you down in front of others? Are they extremely jealous? Write down a list of all the controlling and manipulative things they have done, or are doing. Keep this list and refer back to it when you feel your resolve wavering. Remember all the reasons you want it to end, and then make arrangements. Are you two living together? Make arrangements to move elsewhere. Do so quietly. Plan what you are going to say. Make it short, sweet and to the point. Let them talk but don’t let them drone on. And don’t let them charm, or cajole or convince you to stay. Don’t budge. Remember your list and don’t back pedal, keep moving ahead.

It may help to end the relationship in your mind first. Pretend you are confronting the person and say all the things you wish you could say, if they weren’t so manipulative. Remember the good times and the bad. Reflect, but realize it’s better this way. You’ll never be able to live your life with them controlling and manipulating you. Think of yourself as single. Be firm. And once you drop the hammer, don’t contact them. Erase them from your phone. Block their email. Unfriend them on Facebook and other social media sites. Keep away from them. Don’t give them a chance to explain. How many chances have you given them? Do not tell them where you are going or where you’ll be living. If you see that person, just walk away from them. Do not give them a chance to chat or explain things further. They are only looking for an in to suck you in. Realize that they are a charmer and have the ability to manipulate you, and resist them.

If there is something you absolutely need to contact this person for, do so through a mutual friend, or have your friend contact them and pick up the item. If it has to be you, pick it up in a public place. Take the item. Thank them and get out of there. Give them short yes and no answers. Be cold. Don’t give in to any of their advances. Spend some time with your friends, relatives and other loved ones. Get busy with work, school or whatever you are doing. Love yourself. And recognize how much better life is without someone manipulating you. For more advice read, In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George K. Simon, Jr., Ph.D.