Which is better, Adultery or Divorce?

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Which is better, Adultery or Divorce?

When in a dysfunctional marriage where you both feel a real relationship is out of the question, but you decide to stay together for financial reasons, for the sake of the children or because it’s too painful or burdensome to get divorced, in this situation it’s difficult to know how to proceed. Is adultery then the only way forward? Or should they just go ahead and get divorced? In the long run, which is better, adultery or divorce? Each person and couple in this unfortunate predicament must evaluate carefully how they each feel, using their values, judgment and beliefs in order to decide what is best for them. So then since everyone is different, we can’t ask which is better in a large blanket statement, since everyone must evaluate for themselves. But in general, which of the two alternatives is morally a better choice, adultery or divorce? This is not in terms of a bilateral divorce where both parties decide to get divorced. Nor is it unilateral where one person wants a divorce but the other does not. This is when one person is interested in taking part in a romantic and physical relationship with another outside the marriage.

From an ethical standpoint divorce is a far better choice as it does not involve deception. If you are in a loveless marriage but decide to stay together for financial reasons but are childless talk to your spouse about having an open marriage. At least if there is a way to communicate honestly about things, perhaps there is a chance not of reconciling the relationship but the mutual respect that both people shared. If the couple has children, it’s a much thornier issue. They will find out sooner or later that mommy or daddy has someone else. So how do you counteract this? Divorce would be the better option there. Or perhaps separation if the financial burden is too much. If this is a high conflict relationship get out. High conflict homes are the worst environments to raise children in. It would be much better to have two divorced but happier, well-adjusted homes than one miserable one together. The deception part of adultery, especially if it’s long term or serial adultery is the worst part. It shows a grave disrespect for the other person. Like it or not when we marry we attach ourselves to a legal and social union. It may not be easy when marriage falls apart. If you are in this situation, learn to talk to one another and solve things so you can find mutual happiness in some way. See what can be worked out. Give respect and expect it in return. Sooner or later all the tumblers will fall into place. To learn more about adultery in marriage read, Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults are Affected When Their Parents are Unfaithful by Ana Nogales, Ph.D.

Why Staying Together for the Kids is a Bad Idea

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Why Staying Together for the Kids is a Bad Idea

Trying to stick together for the children, even after you’ve done everything possible to resurrect your marriage, usually just makes things worse. Even when the children are shielded from the arguments, they can sense the hostility like a tense fog over the house. Some kids even report feeling relieved when hearing of their parent’s divorce, the opposite of what we picture would happen, begging them to stay together. But having things appear to be working and having them actually working are two different things. You can’t hide the truth from them. They live there, too. And they know, already. Kids have an incredible beat on what’s happening with their parents. It’s some sort of natural inclination. But to deny it is to insult their intelligence. Children also model their romantic relationships after their parents. If you stay together without any longer feeling love, commitment or any tender feelings at all towards one another, what kind of message are you sending them? Will they do the same in their future marriages or relationships? Don’t you want them to be happy and follow that happiness, wherever it may lead? If you stick together, your sacrifice is wasted. In fact, it is doing more harm than good.

There are lots of considerations when getting a divorce. There is the financial burden, which everyone will endure, including the children. It can be hard in a variety of ways. There is telling them, the possibility of moving and putting them in a new school, custody battles, and fights over asset allocation, child support and alimony. The average divorce lasts somewhere in the vicinity of six months. The most hotly debated and contentious can take years. For those in no financial condition to divorce, a separation until the means for a simple divorce can be arranged may be the best answer.  Some worry about the stigma. But today, divorce is so common the stigma has virtually evaporated. What generally happens when it is all over, or at least when a new pattern settles in, is things get better. Without living in a contentious household, the kids feel more secure. They will relax and be themselves. More focus will now be placed on them instead of on the elephant in the room. Parents can also feel that they are being upfront with their children, and the kids won’t feel lied to. There are also lots of life lessons being portrayed that can carry over into their love lives, once they grow up. Children learn to have realistic expectations for relationships, love and marriage. Too many people today have some sort of Disneyesque vision, skewing their expectations. They just are not realistic when it comes to love and relationships in the real world. But children of divorce see past all that. They are also less likely to jump into a committed relationship without thinking about it, and who with.

A divorce helps children see their parents as people. They see their parents in many different roles; sometimes as a worker, of course as a parent, a friend, child, and a sibling and when they start dating again, as a partner to someone else. In other words, the kids don’t take their vision of their parents for granted. They also recognize more closely that their parents are flawed, or to put it a better way, human. But children who see their parent’s marriage as an ideal to be lived up to, suddenly cannot choose what their heart wants. They keep chasing an ideal that they will never catch instead of the reality of love that is before them. Everyone has to find someone right for them. And those two people have to develop a relationship that works for their particular personalities. But when we try to bend a relationship to match some unrealistic ideal, things are bound to run in to trouble.

Children can see their parents more as people who have hopes, dreams, flaws and regrets. They also gather insight into how bad relationships operate and how good relationships work. Usually, parents get into other long-term relationships after divorce, or get remarried. So instead of focusing on having children coming from a “broken home,” realize that if your house is full of contention, either explicit or implicit, it is affecting the children far more negatively than you think. It’s best instead to have the courage to move on with your life, embrace who you are and after you heal, allow yourself to love again. These are great lessons to pass onto your children. They will learn to be brave, and go forth in the world to find the love that they deserve, the kind that is right for them. To learn how to operate and move forward when you have kids and a separation is looming read, The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive by Robert Emery.

Sugar Momma and Daddy a Myth

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Sugar Momma and Daddy a Myth

Are you looking for a sugar daddy or momma to pay for your lavish lifestyle? You may be searching in vain, unless you’re interested in Hugh Heffner. New research out of the University of Colorado finds that a large discrepancy in age didn’t mean the older spouse was wealthy. In fact, these couples showed a lower cognitive ability, lower income, lower education level and were less attractive than couples who were closer in age.  The actual age range that researchers studied was not given. But the study did show that the larger the gap in age between spouses the lower they graded in categories like income, attractiveness, education and cognitive ability. The U.S. Census Bureau was studied. Researchers looked at data from between the years of 1960 and 2000. They measured for the age of couples in their first marriage, highest level of education completed, wages and other income. They measured for attractiveness and cognitive ability as well.

People who graduate from a four year college interact more with those in their own age group. They tend to marry other upwardly mobile people. Those who work in unskilled positions are more likely to interact with those outside of their age group, either much older or younger. So the chance that they will marry someone outside of their age group is far higher. Men who took brides either much older or younger than them made less than those who took a bride closer to them in age. High school math and verbal tests were given to those couples. Spouses whose ages were disparate scored far lower. Men with wives eight years or more younger scored almost nine points less than those who married a woman of a similar age.  Hopefully this dispels the sugar momma and sugar daddy myth. Of course, life is hard, particularly financial constraints. But you shouldn’t marry for money anyway. History is littered with stories of unhappy marriages or divorces where couples married for the wrong reasons. Instead, marry for love. To learn more about dating a sugar daddy, read A Gold Digger’s Guide: How to Get What You Want, Without Giving It Up! by Baje Fletcher.

After Decades of Marriage These Reasons can Cause Divorce

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After Decades of Marriage These Reasons can Cause Divorce

When more than ten years have gone by in a relationship, or even more than two decades we think a relationship to be so strong that it’s unshakable. Yet when they get divorced or separate, we’re dumbfounded. We can’t believe it. What happened? Even after decades of marriage there are things in a relationship that can cause divorce. For instance if you two have lost your connection this could cause serious trouble for the relationship. This is especially common for empty nesters. Lots of times once children have gone off to university or are busy with careers and families of their own, the two may feel like total strangers to one another. They may wonder what they have in common now that the children are gone. Some look at it as a time to once again embrace life and experience a Renaissance together. Others take a good hard look at their partner and wonder how on earth they are going to relate to them. Another realization that often comes is the one that life is short. Whether it be a near death experience or simply re-evaluating one’s life after a milestone or in middle age, people start to realize that life is too short to live in a loveless marriage. They look for someone who makes them happy.

A serious lack of coping skills is yet another reason why long term couples may decide to split. All couples are likely to feel the winds of difficulty that will shake any marriage. Conflict cannot be ignored. All you can do is work together, listen carefully, show compassion, try not to say things you can’t take back, and try to show your love. Schedule in times when you can reconnect. Have a date night. Start to think about what your life goals are and share them with your partner. Ask what theirs are. Do they fit one another? Can you make it work and accompany both people’s dreams? Communicate all of your hopes, fears and dreams and ask your partner about theirs. Listen to one another. Pay attention and see how each person is evolving. Look for ways to reconnect. Has your spouse found something, a certain hobby or some other pastime that they are really interested in? Is it something you can do together? Why not find an activity you both can enjoy and reconnect with? Talk about the past and get nostalgic.  Studies have shown that it helps couples weather the storms and enjoy their time together. Learn to let go. Forgive. Expect your spouse to do these things, too. Find ways to be sexy, loving and vulnerable and to see your partner in these ways, too. Find ways to deal with your own issues and what you bring to the table. Keep communicating with your spouse and you’ll soon see how to make things better. For more advice on this topic, read The 11 Reasons Why Marriages Go Wrong… and How to Make Yours Succeed by Richard Chesser.

What Single Parenting is Really Like

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TV shows and other media show single parents who can navigate parenting, a career and a vibrant love life without missing a beat. But that’s not what single parenting is really like. The truth is that single parenting is one of the hardest things you can do. Your time is severely fragmented. Besides visitation you don’t get any time off. The pay is terrible. And you are on call twenty-four seven. It is very rewarding however, as all parenting is. You wouldn’t give them up for the world. Of course you love them and want to take care of them as best you can. If you are separated, newly divorced or considering divorce, know that it surely isn’t easy. But there is also nothing you can do about it. Staying together in a bad relationship where the children aren’t happy isn’t doing them any favors. In fact, it’s sending them the wrong message about love and relationships. If you settle for an unloving relationship, or one that is volatile or high conflict, you are letting them know that they should do the same. No parent wants that. You want them to have the most satisfying, fulfilling, well-adjusted relationship they can. Though it’s difficult but necessary in certain situations where the marriage cannot be revived, made healthy or strong, and it certainly isn’t easy, you’ll need to do a few things to keep your sanity and make things run better for you, and everyone.

Talk to your ex about co-parenting. Work out rules and how everything is going to work. Even if you feel upset, angry, or betrayed, you’ll both have to put your feelings behind you and focus on what’s best for the children. Sometimes for whatever reason your ex’s judgment cannot be trusted in terms of parenting. When this happens unfortunately you will have to carry the burden yourself. Carrying around unhealthy levels of anger, resentment and frustration isn’t going to improve the situation. Instead, let go. Forgive and come to accept the situation. All of that negative energy is going to hurt you more than it does them. So find a way to let it go and you will feel happier and much freer. Sometimes you feel like you are sinking and things are out of control. It’s okay to feel this way. Reach out to your social circles. Have friends, family and neighbors that can help. Perhaps they can pick up your child if they need to be home sick from school when you have a big meeting at work, or they can come over and watch the kids for a little while when you feel like you are going to lose it, like you just want to scream your head off. It’s okay to ask for help. It isn’t a sign of weakness, it is a great strength. The children will test you. If they really want something they may ask your ex if you say no and try to game the system. Find ways to prevent this from happening. If you need more help, find support groups in your area. To learn more, pick up a copy of Successful Single Parenting by Gary Richmond.