Free yourself from Post-Divorce Negativity

Leave-Negativity

Free yourself from Post-Divorce Negativity

Few events in life can fill you with so many negative emotions such as sadness, a sense of loss, despair, depression, anxiety and hatred like a bitter divorce. Even conscious uncoupling can be deeply unsettling. The first thing to realize is that it is all inside your own head. You may feel a torrent of emotions. But you decide exactly what to do with them, how to manage them and ultimately whether you come out a stronger, more developed, self-actualized person at the end who has experienced a kind of personal growth from this experience, or if you miss that chance due to retaining bitterness. If you are hurling all of this hatred and anger at your spouse, you’ll soon realize it’s like swallowing poison to murder someone; it hurts you terribly, but the impact on them is limited. Instead, an outlook of yourself both as patient and doctor is sufficient. You have these emotions and now it’s time to see how to best tend to them so that you get the best outcome. Your spouse as well may be casting vitriol at you every chance they get. You can’t control what happened or how they feel. Nor can you control their behavior. What you can control is your reaction to it, and how much you will let it bother you. There are some simple beliefs you can adopt to help shed your negativity and also protect yourself against your ex’s. Here’s how to free yourself from post-divorce negativity.

Realize that whatever your spouse says about you is their problem, not yours. Be sure to clear your name. And if they are using the children to spy or as a weapon, make sure to nip that situation in the bud. The children should never be put in the middle. They will suffer for it. But other than that, they will say what they will. You choose how you react to it. Their speech is all about them, not about you. What’s more, other people will be watching how you react. Will you be classy all the way, or sink to their level? In the end others judge them for their behavior, and they’ll sink themselves. Instead of seeing divorce as an end, which it invariably is, see it as a new beginning. You have freedom to be who you want to be, and discover a whole new you. Your life won’t be perfect after divorce, but it is still pretty good and it can be even be better. Make a dream board. Write in a diary. Make a bucket list. Go back to school. Get some more training or try and climb the ladder at work. Invest in a hobby. Take a trip with a friend. There are so many things you can do and so many directions you can take your life in now that your ex isn’t weighing you down. There will be good days and bad. If you need to cry it out, do it. It’s a healing process and think of it as such. But don’t wallow in grief. Know when it’s time to pick yourself up and get going again.

Realize that every experience you have in life is another lesson that makes you wiser and therefore a better person in the end. It may not feel like it now but this could be a completely transformative experience for you. Not everything in life is meant to endure. Change can be very scary and it can be hard to say goodbye. Just keep things moving. Make the necessary steps, no matter how small or staggering. Sooner or later you will make it to where you are supposed to be. Sometimes it feels satisfying to take part in divorce drama with your ex. But sooner or later you will understand that it weighs you down far more than it lifts you up. After a divorce you may feel like damaged goods. But the truth is people are judging you far less than you think. Understand that your life and your happiness is ultimately based on your own thinking and no one elses. You can make the world a better place and you can make your life all you want it to be. It’s all up to you. For more, pick up a copy of the book, The Rediscovery of Me: Reinventing Life after Divorce by Dr. Marcia Brevard Wynn and Earl Sewell.

What you learn after a Decade of Marriage

happiness

What you learn after a Decade of Marriage

If you get to your ten year anniversary you can feel pretty lucky, especially nowadays with so many marriages ending in divorce. Lots of people will ask what the secret is when they hear of marriage longevity. And lots of couples too look back and reflect on what it was that kept them together for so long. Relationships are hard to keep on track and sometimes easy to derail. But all those who make it always say that it was worth it. The first thing to remember is that you are on each other’s side. Of course your spouse can drive you crazy. But don’t blow up at them, especially in front of other people.

You need to always have each other’s back. That’s what a marriage is for isn’t it, a safe haven against the volleys of a heartless world? Forgiveness, help and the benefit of the doubt should be the norm in your married life. Next, don’t keep track of who owes what to whom. This will always make you disappointed, especially if the other person isn’t keeping track. And who exactly is to evaluate what each person does for one another and its weight against other same such things? Don’t act the martyr. But don’t try to get over on your mate and win all the time, or else it will come back to bite you in the end.

Understand that no one is perfect. Don’t try to be perfect in your marriage and don’t expect your spouse to be. You will see each other at your best and worst. The most important thing is to be there for one another to celebrate those victories or to help scrape them off the pavement, get them cleaned up and try to cheer them up. Don’t treat one another as children. If you start babying your spouse they will resent you for it. You are putting yourself in a position of power over them. What’s more, you are diminishing them. Doing this can only spell resentment in the future and one party leaving. Instead, make sure that each party feels respected and has equal say in what is going on. One party being good at one thing can handle that for the marriage while the other can handle something they are good at, instead of setting them up for a fall and making them feel like a child.

You should at all times be helping to hold up your spouse rather than bringing them down. Go outside your comfort zone now and then to keep things interesting. But don’t be afraid of being comfortable either. If things feel boring don’t blame the relationship, find a way to put a spark back into things and reconnect. If you want to know more tips on making your marriage great and keeping it where it needs to be, read Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America’s Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship by John M. and Julie Schwartz Gottman.

Things you learn in the First Six Months of Marriage

newlywed

Things you learn in the First Six Months of Marriage

Even if you dated a long time and were engaged for quite a while, when a marriage is newly minted, there’s something about signing that paper and having a ceremony and a reception that changes a relationship, and makes it far more serious. Some people wonder if they’ll be able to keep up their end of the bargain. It’s hard to juggle a life nowadays with work, family life and married life, not to mention exercise, household chores and hobbies. What needs to be discussed early on in the marriage is who is going to take care of what.

Marriage is a partnership where both parties contribute equally and have a fair say. Usually one person is better at certain things while another is better at others. Why not draw up a chore list and see who is good at what? If one person is more of a morning person perhaps he or she can make breakfast, take the dog for a walk or drive their spouse to the train for that morning commute, while the night person can fix dinner, clean up and take the dog out once more. Learning to balance all the aspects of life is difficult. Some things fall into place. Others take time, good intentions and careful negotiation.

Remember that you are on each other’s side. You are both on the same team. When a relationship gets adversarial things start to go downhill. But if you work together cooperatively, things run much smoother. Say and do things that boost each other up, not hold one another down. Be there for one another. If you can help your partner at their worst you deserve them at their best. But they must be willing to do the same for you. If it isn’t a two way street, but instead it’s one person always giving and another always receiving, it won’t work.

When your spouse does something that drives you crazy, let them know in a positive manner. When you come at them in a way that puts their dander up you’ll never get the issue resolved. Instead tell them what happened and how it makes you feel. Invite them in to help with the problem and brainstorm together. Sacrifice for one another. Appreciate one another and make your marriage your own with your own little sayings, ways of doing things, rituals and inside jokes. That said, make sure you don’t spend every waking moment together. Even in the womb of marital bliss keep seeing your and their friends and make visiting both families a priority. Fight fair. Watch what you say to one another. But be patient enough to listen to what the other person means before flying off the handle. Fight fairly, forgive completely and love unconditionally. For more advice read, The Newlywed’s Instruction Manual: Essential Information, Troubleshooting Tips, and Advice for the First Year of Marriage by Caroline Tiger.

Getting Over someone You Adored

HEARTBROKEN

Getting Over someone You Adored

Sometimes you just can’t wait to get rid of someone and move on with your life. Then there are those relationships you regret ever getting into. There are the ones who sting and the ones that cut deep. But the worst of all is getting over someone you adored, someone you feel that you just can’t live without. You’d rather go without limbs, eyes and vital organs than your lover and can’t believe they’d even think of leaving you. Perhaps it’s just a passing phase, or they’ve suddenly become mentally ill. How will you go on living? The end of a relationship can consume your entire life. Some have even contemplated suicide. Whether it’s feelings of abandonment, inadequacy, guilt, misplaced anger or rejection just know that you are going to be okay. You’ll get through this. Someday you’ll wonder what is was that you saw in this person. First, it may be cliché but with time it will hurt less and less until one day you’ll be free and feeling great. Allow yourself the proper time to get over it. Don’t obsess over your ex. Instead, focus on you, how you are feeling and your healing. When you’re ready get back into the swing of things. Even if you don’t feel like it, fake it until you make it. Be social and engage with others. Start to reconnect with your own past. Find out what you want to do with your life. When you get to make decisions like that, single life can start to feel quite liberating.

Try different projects, volunteer, reconnect with your faith or explore a path you’ve always wanted to try. Lots of people find comfort in writing. Why not start a journal or even a blog? If you are into the arts take a local class. Spend some time thinking about improving yourself. What patterns do you see creeping up in your own life that are destructive? What can you do that’s a healthy alternative? Go on a road trip with a friend, visit a country you’ve always wanted to see, volunteer at your local homeless or animal shelter, tutor a child and feel what it’s like from other people’s point of view, in order to gain some perspective. Take up some new activities. Visit new places. Explore your interests, yourself and your world. When you are ready consider dating again. What would you be looking for? What did you learn works for you in past relationships and what hasn’t worked? Why not reconnect with past loves and see what they think of you and your relationship now in hindsight? What were the lessons that they learned? What did they learn about you? What really happens when you lose a major love is you find yourself, the love of your life. Once you reemerge a stronger person you will seek and find the person you’re meant to be with. So enjoy the journey inward that will lead to a quest to find love in the time to come. To explore this topic further pick up a copy of, Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You by Susan J. Elliott.

How to Let Go of Divorce Pain

HEARTACHE

How to Let Go of Divorce Pain

Divorces run from uncomfortable to outright hostile. But even the most muted divorce leaves one or even both parties ripe with pain. Distress can increase from changes in lifestyle, whether or not you wanted to get divorced or work it out, whether or not your spouse is with someone knew, wondering if you could have done something different, guilt, anger, frustration, shame and more. Even though the stigma attached to divorce has be liquefied, those who get divorced still feel like damaged goods, still feel that even if it was inevitable, for some inexplicable reason it is their fault. It takes time to grieve over the loss of a relationship, gather yourself up, pick up the pieces and move on. What’s more, you do at some point, when the sting has gone reflect on your experience, pick through the wreckage and see what you can learn from the whole thing. Pain from divorce is significant. But what you do with that pain and how you handle it can signify how well you recover, and how well you handle very important matters such as the splitting of assets and custody if you should have children together. How you handle that pain and how you let go can spell the difference between wallowing in self-pity for months afterwards, or picking up and moving on with your life. So how do you let go of divorce pain? It’s really the same as doing so with any psychological pain.

Usually we start out by blaming our ex-spouse. We usually want them to admit what they did to us was wrong and apologize. But pointing the finger and forever holding them to blame won’t help. What’s more, in a lot of ways it isn’t mature. It focuses everything on the other person. Yet this is a chance for personal growth in how you handle relationships. It’s a good time to own up to what you may have done to exacerbate the situation. What’s more, blaming your spouse makes you the eternal victim. You are powerless to change your situation. Remember that your feelings are legitimate and significant. It’s how you react to those feelings that is key. It’s best to feel those feelings and then move on. Don’t wallow in self-pity forever. You will be losing your chance to embrace a better and happier life. What’s more, people only have sympathy for you for so long. Then they get sympathy fatigue. Don’t rush yourself through the grieving process. But know when it’s time to dust yourself off and get back up again. Don’t expect the feelings to up and go away on their own. They might. But after a certain point, you really need to commit yourself to re-engaging in your life. Otherwise you may sabotage yourself in fear of whatever exists on the other side of grief.

You need to express your pain fully. Vent. Write in a journal. Talk to a friend or tell it to your ex-spouse if you can. Get it all out of your system right away. But recognize your own role in your pain, too. No one is completely innocent and everyone has a certain amount of guilt to carry with them. But know that it is alright. You will get through this. Learning from the experience and gaining perspective, even growth is the most important and worthwhile part of it. Most people hate going through this stage, but in hindsight understand that it’s a necessary part of getting back on track. Make sure you actively participate in your own life however. Don’t fall into the too easy role of playing the victim. Realize that in real life it’s rarely black and white. There are remarkable shades that exist between these two poles. Learn what you could have done differently and next time your future relationship will be so much better for it. Remember that every moment is a choice. You can choose to soothe yourself, examine and cope, and stay on the right path, or you can choose to blame and play the victim. But which ultimately makes you a happier and more well-adjusted person? Focus on the present. Reflect on the things you are thankful for in your life. Spend some time on you and reconnecting with yourself. Find a new path for your life. Pick up a hobby that you’ve always wanted to try. Travel. Call up an old flame. Write a novel. Exercise. Keep a journal. Make a dream board. Most important of all forgive your spouse. Not for them but for yourself. It’s been said that anger is the poison pill we swallow in order to try to kill our enemy. In other words it hurts you more than it can ever hurt your ex. Find a way to let it go and be yourself again. For more on self-healing, pick up a copy of, Quantum Change Made Easy: Breakthroughs in Personal Transformation, Self-healing and Achieving the Best of Who You Are by Chloe Faith Wordsworth and Gail Noble Glanville.