How to Write a Great First Message

online-dating

How to Write a Great First Message

Online dating seems to be the way a lot of people get together nowadays. Make a profile, upload some pictures and off you go. It’s a great tool and for some a fun way to spend a couple of hours searching and considering. But when there’s one profile you keep returning to, or someone who you just can’t wait to know more about, it comes time to message them. Some of us just freeze up. What do you say? There are others who aren’t intimidated but keep sending out messages and never get a response. So what’s the best approach? What can you do to make that first message great?  The first step is to actually write something. Don’t abbreviate or use internet lingo, use proper English. Double check your grammar and spelling. Daters on these sites want someone savvy and sophisticated, not a Neanderthal typing with hairy knuckles. Next, watch the physical compliments, especially guys contacting gals. Most women like to be told in person that they are beautiful or gorgeous, but online they want to know that you took the time to read their profile, and found something in there that attracted you. They want someone who is interested in who they are, not just their looks.

Just like everywhere else, there’s competition online. Beyond that, you don’t want to seem a flat, uninteresting dullard. Why not use a greeting that shows who you are? If you are both Star Trek fans, type them a Vulcan salutation. If you both like country music, hit them with a “Howdy.” Even if you just go for a “Hey there” it’s better than just a hello. A line from a movie you both like might work. Strike a casual tone however. Too formal and you might come off as a stick in the mud. Now include what you liked about the person’s profile, and what attracted you to them. What do you both have in common? Spend some time reading their profile and thinking about what would appeal to him or her. Do they like the same books, movies or music as you? Are they a fan of the same sports team? Are they vegan? Do they practice yoga? Do they have six dogs, seven birds and a tank full of man eating piranha just like you? The more things you have in common, the more things you have to talk about and hopefully, the better a match you will make. Use your commonalities to get the conversation rolling. Don’t be afraid to challenge them a little. Ask a question.  Posit a theory or give them some insight that most people fail to notice. Bring up something they might not know like a certain band they might like, a book that would blow their mind or a great little restaurant tucked away in a corner of their neighborhood. The more interesting, the more they’ll want to message you back.

Talk about yourself, but don’t brag. Be humble. Arrogance is a turnoff. You don’t have to write an enormous amount. A paragraph or two will suffice. Be yourself. Don’t be weird unless the person you are messaging has already shown an affinity for your type of weirdness. Can you be relaxed and funny? Go for it. Not sure how it will come off? Then just be upbeat. If you still aren’t getting responses check your selection process. If your search filter includes the words “Ivy League” while you barely finished high school, you might want to rethink that. Make sure the person you are messaging would find it reasonable to date you and vice versa. If you are only going on classic chiseled features, the perfect body, a prestigious career and high salary when you spend your days shouting “You want fries with that?” you may be setting yourself up for a fall. Lastly, be sure to be nice. Sometimes we try to elicit a certain response with something witty and acerbic but come off as mean or bitter. Keep things positive and G-rated, at least at first. For more tips on making your online dating a success read, Love at First Click: The Ultimate Guide to Online Dating by Laurie Davis.

Things Men do that Don’t Impress

annoyed

Things Men do that Don’t Impress

It isn’t easy finding someone to date around here. The prospect can be at times glorifying, terrifying and downright dull. It surely isn’t easy to catch the attention of the right person either. But sometimes guys go about it all wrong. They try to impress but end up turning her off. Alexander Dumass recently approached AskWomen forum on Reddit and asked what the worst ways to pick up women were. The results are as follows. Pay careful attention gentleman; here are the things men say or do that do not impress. Some guys trash talk women. But if you are trying to impress her why would you insult her whole sex? Follow up question, how is that supposed to make you look good?

Guys, if you’ve been having trouble with the ladies, think about why that is. Was it the girls you were dating? If so, it may be your selection process that was off. And just as men hate it when women put us in an entire category, so too do they. Don’t be so negative, and if you feel that way perhaps couch those feelings until later, or don’t approach her at all. Don’t insult your current flame. If you are saying negative things about her what makes you think she’s going to want to date you? You see, if you are saying these things about your current girl, it makes logical sense that if this new girl starts dating you she’ll sooner or later be the one being insulted. So again keep the negativity to a minimum.

Showing off how much money you make is a turnoff. As one Redditor wrote, “It’s not douchey to have money or to spend money on nice things. It is douchey to brag about how much money you make and the nice things you own, to make a big show of spending your money so everyone can see how rich you are, or to act as though being wealthy somehow makes you better than those around you.” If you get her number do not send her a photo of your member. Men may be visual creatures but women are turned on mentally and emotionally. If she does enjoy that sort of thing, and ask her first before doing it, make sure you are deeply involved in a relationship.

If you really want to turn her on and make her like you, talk to her, find out what she likes, what she’s into and find out all you can about it. Don’t go down a checklist of why you are the best guy to be her man. This isn’t an interview and you aren’t filling a position. These are women, beautiful, mysterious creatures. Appeal to her on a fun, interesting, human level. It’s more about making an emotional bond than fulfilling the duties of the position. Do not tell her or even brag about how many women you’ve been with. Don’t lie and say you are really into something that you aren’t into just to get close to her. Be honest with her. If you say it’s your favorite film, make sure it is. Women have incredible B.S. meters. Lastly, find out about her. Don’t just go on and on about yourself, or you might turn around and find she’s slipped off. For more advice read, How to Be a Chick Magnet: Learn Exactly How to Attract and Impress a Girl, and Master the Art of Talking to Women by Calvin Biggs.

The Importance of Open-Mindedness in Dating

open minded

The Importance of Open-Mindedness in Dating

There are lots of frustrated, depressed and discouraged daters out there in the world today. They don’t think they will ever find the one for them. But there are only a few attitudes that can mean the difference between someone happy and satisfied in their love life and those who are not. One of the most important qualities a person can exhibit in dating is open-mindedness. Most people have a mental or even a physical checklist for what they are looking for in the perfect match. The best daters know that however realistic their list seems, they will date people who have other qualities that they like that aren’t on the list, or they may date people who have potential but don’t have one or even a few of the qualities they decided they were in search of. But the best daters don’t write someone off completely merely because they don’t possess all of the qualities they decided they needed. In fact, they may continue to date this person or these people, and be open-minded enough to the possibility that a person who does have these qualities may come along.

Those who are open-minded can see potentialities with people, ways to be flexible and make things work. They also know that they may need to throw out their checklist altogether. Lots of people gulp and feel a wave of fear with the thought of taking a checklist they worked hard on, which they were committed to and chucking it out the window. But the truth is that the human heart is far more intricate, precarious, mysterious and difficult to quantify than anything else on earth. Said differently, you could fall in love with someone, struck out of nowhere like a lightning bolt, or it may come to you slowly as the tide slowly rolls in to shore. But this person that you fall for may not have any of the qualities on your list. Lots of people hem and haw, maybe even deny the feelings that they have for a person due to their checklist. But the thing about falling in love is, you can’t predict it. There are proclivities but no sets of conclusions. And if you knew all about love and how we fall in love right from the beginning, wouldn’t that take the mystery out of it? And in taking out that mystery wouldn’t we lose something in the beauty of love? It’s that same mysteriousness that makes it interesting. Remember to stick to your core values. This should be someone you are comfortable with and have chemistry with. But don’t turn away good catches because they have one little imperfection here or there. You might go hungry. And who doesn’t have imperfections? You may even notice some in yourself. We all have them. Just find someone who has the kind you can live with. For more dating advice read, Decoding Love: Why it Takes Twelve Frogs to Find a Prince, and Other Revelations from the Science of Attraction by Andrew Trees.

A Modern Twist on the Old Game

DATE-AFRICAN-AMERICAN

A Modern Twist on the Old Game

Is it ever fair to play games when dating? Some people say that it’s duplicitous, shallow and self-serving. But others say it’s all part of the game, and makes it fun. Waiting a couple of days to call, or saying you aren’t available when you are just to keep them guessing may seem silly. But what is the rush? And why not make yourself look a little more desirable? The problem with games, as with any other strategy, is what is at the heart of it. Are these games being played to get as many people into bed in a row as possible? Are they playing with hearts and minds to keep things fresh, mysterious or alluring or are they doing it for some selfish purpose? The intent will shine through the acts and either taint or purify them. Here are some modern twists on some old dating games that you may want to adopt or adapt to your own purpose, particularly if you think your love life needs an entire revamp, a makeover or just a little shaping up. First, ladies why not just take his number? You can cut down on the number of stalkers that bother you, or the amount of fake numbers you give out. As an added bonus, this is another way to play hard to get. A lot of guys think that if she takes his number, she won’t call. But if you leave him with a little teaser, like “I just might call you” and a smile, you’ll pique his interest through the roof.

Guys, don’t kill her with compliments. She’ll start to question the sincerity in them. Beyond that, give her little offhanded compliments to keep her guessing at first. Never ever about her weight but other things. About her dress and how you’ve seen they are popular nowadays, or ask about her nails. If you keep her guessing the right way, she’ll be yours when you ask her for a follow up date. The old adage is to always be yourself. But we all have our moods or times when we just aren’t as captivating or as exciting as we want to be. Instead of letting the date fall flat, why not have a few routines ready? A routine is just like in show business but to scale. A great conversation starter, a gem anecdote from your life, a parlor trick that always wins people over. Any of these can help breathe life into a lifeless date. Ask what to get your aunt Rita for her birthday. Thrill them with the time you fought off a pack of wild dogs while hitchhiking across Africa. Play a little 20 questions game. The thing about games is they pique interest. And that’s really all you have to do. Instead of revealing yourself all at once the way most people do, think of yourself as a character in a story the person gets to meet. Reveal yourself slowly in and a unique way, fitting with your personality, and they’ll be eating out of your hand. Just make sure to compose your storyline carefully. Always keep your audience in mind. For more advice, read The Game Changers: How to Date Men in the 21st Century by Dahmenah M. & Charyn Gant.

Does your Fashion Sense Attract Men?

fashion

Does your Fashion Sense Attract Men?

It’s no secret women love fashion. But does a woman’s fashion sense help her attract the man she’s looking for? And does it rate with other qualities like looks, personality, intellect and a good sense of humor? Of course having a great fashion sense can be an asset. But not for the reasons you think. The Huffington Post actually took a poll to see if a woman’s fashion sense helped attract a fine gentleman. The result, men do like a woman who is well put together. But not only does her looking good make her attractive, a good fashion sense projects other qualities attractive in a woman such as meticulousness, individuality, an eye for detail, sophistication, a highly developed understanding of social interaction, and the ability to impress. These qualities are highly sought after for some. A person’s unique style communicates her personality, who she is inside. And so this can act like a magnet but also a sieve, pulling in the type of guy you would like to meet. What does your fashion sense say about you and who does it attract?

One’s fashion sense however should reflect who they are. If the woman is plastered only with labels, this can be viewed as tacky. If things are thrown together willy-nilly or placed in such a way as to project wealth only, this may mean that she has no sense of style, no panache of her own. Blatant gaudiness is not attractive. Also, someone who is lead blindly by the nose by the fashion industry and doesn’t explore on her own, can be flat and boring. Men aren’t really into so many details, they notice them in others. Really, they look at the big picture, who is she? What does she care about? Does she care about the same things I do? Is she interesting and intriguing? Would she fit in with my friends and social circles? Can I take her to a work function, out to a club, and home to mom too without thinking twice? Just make sure your wardrobe is sending the right message about you, and attracting those who are into the same things you are. And also remember that it really isn’t the clothes, but the personality of the person that’s in them. Confidence and a smile are the most attractive things. To learn more about what men find attractive, read The 7 Irresistible Qualities Men Want in a Woman by Bruce Bryans.