Single in Your Thirties

Single in Your Thirties

With the way the job market is today, many people are putting off marriage. The omnipresent focus on advanced degrees and career development puts a damper on young people’s love lives. They have to put all of their focus on developing their career.  It’s normal to be single right into your thirties today. Around the late twenties or early to mid-thirties is when people are marrying, or as the trend increases choosing instead to cohabitate long term. Having children has been delayed until somewhere in the third decade as well.

Though it’s normal to be single even well into your thirties, and some prefer it that way, lots of people feel anxious about their love life if they don’t have someone serious at their side by this time. Women are feeling this sting particularly poignantly. But they shouldn’t worry so. Being single in your thirties today can even be natural. Lots of people feel lost without any clear path that one should take. It’s hard to figure out for yourself what you want in life and if it’s doable. But here is some advice to make dating and singleness in your thirties a more positive experience while you seek out your romantic path and pursue whom you meet on the road to love.

First, don’t build up a callous or bitter heart due to disappointments from the past. Lots of people clump the opposite sex together in a negative light when they’ve been unlucky in love. We are all guilty of it in some point in our lives and to a certain degree. The truth is that if you want to have a positive experience, you need to be enthusiastic. No one wants to date a sour puss. And if that’s all you are putting out there you are driving good, qualities mates away and perhaps attracting the wrong ones. Of course it is painful and heart wrenching when things don’t turn out right and we get hurt. No one and nothings seems to be able to cut so deep as being injured or spurned by someone we cared about. But at a certain point you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back out there again. It’s the same with a sport, an interest or a hobby. You have to work at it and you can’t let obstacles stand in the way. When you lose a game, you don’t give up the sport forever. You practice harder and come back to the playing field, not sulking but with your game face on. Don’t focus on your biological clock. It will make you choose the wrong person or make the wrong decision. Many a nasty divorce had its seeds in an anxious marriage. If it is really weighing on your consult your doctor for medical help such as freezing your eggs or sperm. This could free you from such worries. Know that you will date a lot, sometimes the wrong people, and that’s okay. Don’t fall for grass is always greener syndrome. Understand that everyone has faults. Find someone who has great qualities and faults you can live with, in time.

Should you stay in a Relationship that is Just Comfortable?

too comfortable

Should you stay in a Relationship that is Just Comfortable?

Many of us have been there. You love someone but you aren’t in love with them. The relationship is very comfortable. There may be places where you don’t see eye-to-eye. But by and large, you have fun together, run a good household or just enjoy each other’s company. The person is perhaps a good choice for a mate. They are stable and kind. But that euphoric, weak-in-the-knees feeling has left the building. So should you stay in a relationship that is just comfortable but doesn’t give you fireworks or butterflies? There are really two schools of thought on this. The first is a very practical view. That is, stay with your partner. The reason, there are relationships and even marriages who do have that spark. Also, the candle that burns twice as bright often lasts half as long. Then a terrible breakup occurs and you are left all alone. The other scenario is one waits around forever. Instead of having the loving experiences available, one waits alone for a proposition which may never come. Why not, as the song says, love the one you’re with?

Sometimes these relationships that are comfortable used to have novelty. Kids, careers and a pileup of years have made them too comfortable. Here experts say the spark can be rekindled. One way to do so is to share novel experiences together. Travel to exotic lands, take part in exciting activities like sky diving and bungee jumping, learn a new skill together such as cooking or swing dancing or interact through a new sport such as karate or kayaking. These can reignite the spark. Another way is through reminiscing. Some relationship experts say merely having a date night can do it. This will inject some romance—you know interacting as a couple again instead of the person who takes care of a list of household duties. Then there are those who use their sexual interests to jumpstart their relationship. They may start to talk about and fulfill each person’s deep seeded fantasies, the ones they never spoke to another soul about. Some couples explore tantric sex or BDSM together to reignite that spark.

But then there is another school of thought, held by the fiercely independent who are not afraid of making it on their own. This type is perfectly happy by themselves. They won’t accept anything less than earth shattering love. If they work at it and can’t get it from their relationship then they end it, sooner or later. If the person they are dating doesn’t provide this feeling than they’d rather not be dating them. This type is generally focused on an important passion, mission, artistic pursuit, their children or career. They say if you really aren’t in love then you are just going through the motions, or else settling for a paltry mediocrity. Which interpretation is the right one? That all depends on the kind of person you are. If you are fiercely independent why not go for the love that will fill the space in your heart? See if you can reignite it with your current lover before you do something drastic. But if they cannot fulfill you why stay with them? Those who are a bit more practical and believe their relationship suits their needs should instead try and find ways to rekindle the flames. For more on this read the book, Keeping the Love You Find by Harville Hendrix.

Want to be Attractive? Be a Nonconformist

nonconformist

Want to be Attractive? Be a Nonconformist

It’s the guy who plays guitar and rides a motorcycle, or the spritely minx who shows a little skin and sports that daring tattoo. It’s the musicians, artists, actors and activists. Those mavericks with the devil may cry attitude. They shake their fist at society and takeoff, blazing their own trail, and mowing down whatever stands in their way. Those rebels, loners, artists and performers, they take our breath away. They are our adolescent crushes adorning teenage rooms in posters. The stars change from one generation to the next, but the attitude is the same. Their loving eyes fall upon us and tell us, yes we are special and can go our own way too. Hand-in-hand we imagine laughing at the dullards as we take off on wild adventures together with our very own teenage crush. So if you want to be attractive, there’s an easy way. Be a rebel, also known as a nonconformist.

Of course, lots of sitcom episodes teach us that any character that isn’t true to him or herself falls flat on their face, and hilarity ensues. Don’t let that be you. But a bigger question remains. Why are we so instantly attracted to the ones who at a moment’s notice break all the rules, and grin from ear-to-ear while doing it? University of Queensland psychologist Matthew Hornsey asked himself this question. He set out to on a series of experiments to find why nonconformists exude sex appeal.

The first thing Hornsey and his team found out was that nonconformists were attractive across both genders. It’s a general misconception that men prefer conformists. A large number of women try all their lives to fit in. But they do so to their detriment, at least as far as dating goes. So how did Hornsey come about this information? He conducted a total of five studies. The first had 115 college students as participants. Here, they were asked to rank the attractiveness of 20 profiles. They had to say how attractive they themselves found the person in the profile, as well as how the opposite sex would rank them. In each profile’s statement there was tailored in a unique way either a conformist or nonconformist statement. They said things like, “She is happy to go along with what others are doing,” versus, “She enjoys time to herself rather than going along with others.” Researchers found that the majority overwhelmingly chose nonconformist profiles more attractive, no matter their sex. Hornsey and his team were doubly surprised that women tended to act conformist in the company of men, when clearly the results of their study showed that women were more attractive when they were nonconformist. Researchers wrote that this was a holdover belief from an era when, “women were expected to be submissive, modest, subdued, agreeable.” The results of Hornsey’s work was published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. To learn how to be a nonconformist read, The Art of Non-Conformity: Set Your Own Rules, Live the Life You Want, and Change the World by Chris Guillebeau.

Must Haves for the Single Girl

single-ladies

Must Haves for the Single Girl

Whether you are just out of a relationship, are playing the field or like Amelia Earhart you just love flying solo, there are certain things that are a must have for a single girl in this day and age. The little black dress isn’t the only thing you need. One thing you shouldn’t live without is an amazing photo of yourself. This is the shot where your face, hair and figure come together and blow the viewer away. Hang it on the fridge for when dates come over, use it as your profile photo on dating websites, and email it to would be blind dates and other suitors. You’ll be on their mind, no denying that. The next thing you need is that killer pair of heels. These can make you look sexy and stylish in any outfit from jeans to cropped khakis to your favorite skirt. You don’t have to tower over everyone. One-inch heels will make your strides confident and assured. You’ll be able to see more cute guys from the higher vantage point too. When it’s time to have a guy over, make sure you have one rocking CD in your collection. Just chick music will put him off. But if you have one Stones, The Clash or something a little edgy, it will show him that you’re well rounded, open-minded and not so thin skinned.

Get yourself one smooth pickup line that you can use in different situations. It can just be as simple as “Having a good time?” Have a line to detract would-be suitors that don’t cut the mustard. “Sorry, I have a boyfriend,” will do just fine. If you want to impress a date when you have him over why not stock your fridge with some nice microbrews? It’ll show you have great taste and really win him over, particularly if he’s a fan of the brand you’ve chosen. Have a business card ready. This is as true for business networking as it is for dating. It shows that you are a professional, an individual and you have your own stuff going on. Men love independent women in this day and age, especially if she has a particular passion or career path that models his own. Make sure you have an honest guy friend whom you can reach out to. Female friends are great to get relationship advice from. But if you don’t understand where your date is coming from, go to the source. If you have a guy you can trust you can go to him with particular situations and get insight from a guy’s point of view. What’s better than having someone on the inside to help you form your game plan? For more advice read, The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible by Ali Binazir, M.D.

Things to Think About before you Commit

getting-engaged

Things to Think About before you Commit

If you are choosing to be with someone long-term, maybe even the rest of your life, sure the feelings might be there but there is so much more to making a long-term commitment work. A committed relationship, especially a marriage, is something that once entered into isn’t easily reversed. You want to make the best decision possible, not be regretting it. Lots of people are in denial about something negative about their significant other. Others believe that once entered into a serious relationship they will change. But they probably won’t. Of course you can’t know every little in and out about someone. Nor can you tell how the two of you will change over time, whether you will grow together or apart. No one has a crystal ball to read exactly what will happen in the future. If you did, the future would be a pretty boring place. There’d be no surprises. Still, you want the best outcome possible. So there are some things you have to think about before you commit to someone, so you give the relationship the best chance at success. Of course, not all the questions have to do with your potential life partner or spouse. Some of them have to do with you. It takes two to tango and if you’re not in the right place you have just as much a chance of sinking it as your partner does.

Is your life in harmony? Are you able to juggle the demands of your job, school, children or whatever other responsibilities you might have? If you are in a healthy place you will be bringing that into the relationship. But if you’re not then that emotional state will lodge itself into the relationship, too. Learn how to manage and balance your life in a healthy way. A marriage or long-term commitment also takes time, energy and investment. If you can’t commit to that then perhaps this isn’t the right time to commit.  Are you independent mentally, emotionally and financially? If you have to depend on the other person or they have to depend on you the power dynamic won’t be equal and the relationship will suffer as a result. Even if one person makes more money, make sure the other is contributing equally to the relationship in other ways. This should be a relationship of emotionally healthy individuals who want to celebrate their love together. Does this person share your desires, norms, morals, expectations and outlook for the future? If not you’ll have a lot of talking and working things out to do. But most couples who stay together happily share similar morals, dreams, outlook and goals. Take a good look at their family. If you can’t stand being around them you might want to reconsider this relationship, as you will probably be spending an awful lot of time with them. How do they treat you? Do you have to walk on eggshells? Do you have to do all kinds of things just to keep them satisfied? You want a relationship to uplift you not drag you down. Lastly, just evaluate how you feel about the relationship overall. For more things you should ask before a serious commitment, try reading 3,250 Questions to Ask Before Marriage by K. M. Ryan.