Coming to Terms with Singleness

Coming to Terms with Singleness

Whether you are newly single, or perpetually so, lots of people don’t reflect on their singleness, nor do they actually come to terms with it.

Some jump from one relationship to another without any forethought. Others pine, preach keep impossible standards and curse the dating pool rather than evaluating themselves. There are those in today’s world who focus much more on their career. Love is an afterthought and sometimes just something to cure the biological need so that the focus can return to pursuing work related goals. Perennial adolescents exist too, in both sexes and existing way into adulthood. But many of these people don’t reflect on what it means to be single, who they really want to be and where they are going. Though it is the fastest growing demographic in America, single women seem to be stigmatized as weird, too independent or damaged. Single men up until middle age are seen either as someone else’s throw away, used goods or Peter Pans who are too selfish and never want to grow up.  But few people sit down with themselves and do some soul searching. Who is it I really want to be? What goals do I have for my love life? Do I really want to be cohabitating, married or single? How can I achieve my goal whilst still pursuing my other objectives?

People are staying single longer nowadays, marrying later, choosing to cohabitate or finding themselves divorced and back in the dating pool again. But few people really think about their future and where they would be happy. If you are single, determine what it means to you. What are the perks you enjoy? What are the drawbacks? Is having the freedom to do anything you want at the drop of a hat worth more to you than say having someone to be there for you, supporting you? How do you feel in the social sense about being single? Some people are embarrassed or even ashamed by their singleness. They feel that it makes them seem like damaged goods or carrying too much emotional baggage. But that is a yardstick to measure one’s self to a bygone era. In today’s world with such a high divorce rate, people staying in unhappy marriages for loath of the expense it takes to divorce, with people marrying later, cohabitating or just choosing to be single, there is no social norm in which to measure ourselves anymore. A lot of people compare themselves to their friends. But what good does that do you? If you are an architect you don’t want to be a mechanic like your best friend. Yet, why should their relationship choice have any bearing on yours? Being single can be seen as intimidating or exciting. It can make you seem confident and independent or damaged and bitter. Society may view you a certain way. Your parents and friend may have an opinion on your relationship status. And perhaps you have one yourself. But instead of letting the opinions of others dictate your singleness, take control of it, evaluate it, decide what you really want and go after it. Own your singleness and make it work for you.

Financial Signs that your Date has Long Term Potential

finances

Financial Signs that your Date has Long Term Potential

TD Ameritrade and website Learnvest.com recently conducted a survey and found that most couples fight about money on average around five times per year. Other studies have shown that money is one of the most contentious issues for couples. It’s always the biggest issue in survey after survey that couples have to contend with. When dating someone if you happen to get to know how they handle their money and other financial issues, their dealings in these matters can exhibit character qualities that they possess. Someone who pays all of their bills on time for instance is conscientious, detail-oriented and responsible, whereas if they are irresponsible with money, or a total spendthrift, these qualities may weigh heavily on your relationship, of course depending upon who you are and what your financial situation and spending habits are. Certainly trustworthiness, chemistry, shared values and love all should inhabit a relationship. These are good qualities to have, especially for a long term romantic relationship. So what other financial signs should you look out for in your date to see if they have long term potential?

Many experts agree that it’s good for both of you to share in the financial decisions. It’s important that a couple act as a team. If you aren’t cohabitating yet, does the person you’re dating ask your opinion on things or are they more independent? The TD Ameritrade and Learnvest study found that generally with married and cohabitating couples, one person pays the bills and writes the budget. Really both people should know how to do these things on their own, particularly with how high the divorce rate is. However, if your love interest asks your opinion and is very considerate, there is a high chance they will be easy to talk to and negotiate with when financial matters come up. Of course you shouldn’t bring up personal subjects like money, savings, investments, retirement plan and so on, on the first date. Not if you want a second date. But as things start to get serious these are important issues.

How comfortable is this person talking about money? When someone is paranoid or testy about the subject, it can put a real damper on the relationship. But if your lover is comfortable discussing matters and opinions on all things financial, this person is a keeper. Is this person financially stable? What is there debt situation like? There are lots of people who are forgoing marriage due to their hesitancy in taking on their lover’s debt. Everyone must decide what is right for them. But having a life partner who has their financial situation under control, and is able to discuss financial matters with you are good signs of a strong relationship with long term possibilities. For more financial advice read, Money before Marriage: A Financial Workbook for Engaged Couples by Larry Burkett.

Things to Know as a Single Woman

SINGLE-WOMAN

Things to Know as a Single Woman

Lots of women are out there today who are licking their wounds. Whether it was a decades’ long marriage or a long term relationship you had high hopes for, it’s difficult to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start life anew. But that is what each must do in order to live a happy, healthy, satisfying and fulfilled life. If you are a woman who finds yourself newly single, take heart. You are not alone. The biggest growing demographic in America today is single women. All the best men are not taken. Most of them are divorced or single as well. There are things you should know as a single woman that will help so much in finding yourself, making the most out of your life and possibly finding the right person for you.

First, realize deep down inside that you are beautiful. No one else is focusing on those little insignificant things that you hem and haw over. Instead, focus on what is beautiful about you; your smile, your laugh, your eyes, and your voice. Everything about you is beautiful so celebrate yourself and your life. Forgive yourself, love yourself, open your heart to the world and happiness will come into your life. If someone gives you a compliment, don’t deny or justify it, just enjoy it. Say thank you. Let it feel good. Do you want to feel bad? Then why do it to yourself? Start getting used to feeling good and enjoying who you are. If someone tells you you’re beautiful, just say thank you.

You should know that you don’t have to take every opportunity that comes your way. Someone might make a pass at you and you’ve felt lonely, but if you aren’t into them don’t take it. Even if they buy you a drink or dinner, you don’t owe them anything. That was for the pleasure of your company. Don’t feel like you owe anyone anything and don’t be pressured into anything. Be independent. Be your own lady and look out for yourself. Learn to sleep well in your own bed. Lots of women after a long relationship fear that. Sleep in the middle. Hog all the pillows and the blankets. Declare it a bed vacation just for you.

If you were dependent on your husband or significant other and are scared to enter the world, don’t be. You have all the power and skill you need right under your hat. And if that weren’t enough you have friends and family to help you through the tough times. Work little by little at getting more and more independent and reward yourself when you’ve done well. Lots of single women fall for the idea of being in love again. But the first place that love has to come from is within. Without truly loving yourself you cannot really love another person in a sincere and healthy way. When you love yourself you radiate an intensely positive, lighthearted energy that is so attractive, those who are the type you are looking for will find you. For more advice on living the single life read, Single: The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled and Independent by Judy Ford.

Things Women Should Understand About Men

YOUNG-COUPLE-LOOKING-UPSET

Things Women Should Understand About Men

Women are very beautiful, mysterious, complex creatures. It is their very complexity and mystery that at one time makes them so alluring and at another infuriating. Men however, though they can be complex, by and large aren’t as difficult or enigmatic. But still there are a few things many women should understand about men that often they don’t, and so cause static in their relationship.

For instance, do not look through his internet search history. Women often overthink their counterparts and then get into a tizzy when the answer is really simple. Trust that he’s a good guy deep down. But if you start to see what’s on his computer, you may be confused at what you might find. There may be something on there he searched on a whim or a dare, and you think it’s what his secret fetish is. Instead, if you are dating him, trust him and respect his privacy. Everyone deserves a little space. It will actually help the relationship to flourish. Know that you can’t change him. If you have your heart set on building the perfect man, start studying robotics. It isn’t going to happen in real life. One thing about robots though, they’re cold hearted. So find out what you can live with and learn to love the shortcomings in your man, and expect him to love your idiosyncrasies. If your man’s eyes wonder for a second, realize it’s not you or him, it’s mere biology. If his eyes linger for a while, then you may have a problem.

Don’t make him choose you over his friends. That’s an unfair position to put him in. He’ll pick his friends because they have a history and in spite of the imbalanced situation you put him in. Don’t allow anyone to come between you and your friends or family. Learn to forgive. Women will often bring up things from previous fights, even when it was years ago and they’ve said they’ve forgiven. But when they bring it up he knows automatically that she hasn’t forgiven or forgotten. It makes him ten times madder. Don’t bring up issues that are from the past when you said you had forgiven. When you do forgive, do it with your entire being, from the heart. That’s how men often do it. If you ask a question you’d better be ready for the answer. If you fear what that answer is, perhaps find out why you are asking. Why do you want to know?

Everyone has a history and no one should have that history used against them. Love is understanding and forgiveness in its essence, and without those what relationship can last? If you want to have a harmonious home life don’t overwhelm him as soon as he comes in the house. Let him cool down a little and then bring something up. Make him feel useful once in a while. Of course he wants you to be independent. But just like you he also wants to feel needed and important. He can see when you don’t wear the jewelry he bought you. So don’t tell him you love it and put it away forever. He wants you to seduce him, at least once in a while. Men feel insecure and need to be validated too. With these in hand your guy will be ga-ga every time you walk in the door. To learn more read the book, Understand Your Man: Secrets of the Male Temperament by Tim LaHaye.

Things you learn in the First Six Months of Marriage

newlywed

Things you learn in the First Six Months of Marriage

Even if you dated a long time and were engaged for quite a while, when a marriage is newly minted, there’s something about signing that paper and having a ceremony and a reception that changes a relationship, and makes it far more serious. Some people wonder if they’ll be able to keep up their end of the bargain. It’s hard to juggle a life nowadays with work, family life and married life, not to mention exercise, household chores and hobbies. What needs to be discussed early on in the marriage is who is going to take care of what.

Marriage is a partnership where both parties contribute equally and have a fair say. Usually one person is better at certain things while another is better at others. Why not draw up a chore list and see who is good at what? If one person is more of a morning person perhaps he or she can make breakfast, take the dog for a walk or drive their spouse to the train for that morning commute, while the night person can fix dinner, clean up and take the dog out once more. Learning to balance all the aspects of life is difficult. Some things fall into place. Others take time, good intentions and careful negotiation.

Remember that you are on each other’s side. You are both on the same team. When a relationship gets adversarial things start to go downhill. But if you work together cooperatively, things run much smoother. Say and do things that boost each other up, not hold one another down. Be there for one another. If you can help your partner at their worst you deserve them at their best. But they must be willing to do the same for you. If it isn’t a two way street, but instead it’s one person always giving and another always receiving, it won’t work.

When your spouse does something that drives you crazy, let them know in a positive manner. When you come at them in a way that puts their dander up you’ll never get the issue resolved. Instead tell them what happened and how it makes you feel. Invite them in to help with the problem and brainstorm together. Sacrifice for one another. Appreciate one another and make your marriage your own with your own little sayings, ways of doing things, rituals and inside jokes. That said, make sure you don’t spend every waking moment together. Even in the womb of marital bliss keep seeing your and their friends and make visiting both families a priority. Fight fair. Watch what you say to one another. But be patient enough to listen to what the other person means before flying off the handle. Fight fairly, forgive completely and love unconditionally. For more advice read, The Newlywed’s Instruction Manual: Essential Information, Troubleshooting Tips, and Advice for the First Year of Marriage by Caroline Tiger.