What does it mean when Your Date had a Quick Marriage before?

date

What does it mean when Your Date had a Quick Marriage before?

Quickie marriages in celebritydom have become as cliché as the damsel in distress being saved by valiant heroes. But what about in real life? What does it mean when your date has had a quick marriage before? The truth is that most divorces occur after the first two years of marriage. And the social trend is being married over less time. So it may not mean much. Just like everything else, it’s far more complicated than just that. What you really want to do is find out the reason why the marriage ended, and the particulars before you toss this person into the discard pile.

There are many factors to consider. First, who was the one who broke it off, or was it a mutual thing? 75% of divorces happen when one person wants out of the marriage. And more often than not it’s the woman asking for a divorce. Many times people enter into marriage without knowing the responsibility, time and effort it takes to keep a marriage fresh and alive. Also, there are those who find it difficult to commit. They think they’re ready but once the marriage is in full swing it turns out that they aren’t.

Were they young when they got married? If you want to address this question a little more genteelly, ask if age was a factor. Young people are impulsive. They fall deliriously in love and rush off to get hitched, only to realize it isn’t built to last a short time later. But you shouldn’t hold someone’s youth against them, as long as they’ve tempered that impulsive passion with reason. Passion certainly isn’t a bad thing in a date. And impulsivity’s mature stage is spontaneity, another plus. It’s important that you ask your date for information over a period of time, and in a light or direct way. But make sure it doesn’t feel like an interrogation. Or else you may be pushing away a potential partner. Know that divorce is painful for most people. It may be hard to talk about, whether the person admits it or not. Get them comfortable with you. Ask them to share their story. If they don’t feel comfortable sharing the whole thing, or just want to sum it up for now, tell them that’s okay. Really listen. Don’t judge, at least not right away. Thank them for sharing it.

So it’s important that you keep an open mind, don’t jump to conclusions, really think about what the person said, and try to find what they may not be saying, but what they mean. They may not say nice things about their ex, depending upon the situation, but it just may be a defense to cover up the hurt. Be patient and figure out who this person really is, and what’s really going on before going to the next level with them, just as you should do with anyone. For more advice read, Dating the Divorced Man: Sort Through the Baggage to Decide if He’s Right for You by Christie Hartman.

Men Cheat More Due to Impulse not Lack of Restraint

cheat-husband

Men Cheat More Due to Impulse not Lack of Restraint

Research that appeared recently in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that the reason men cheat isn’t due to a lack of personal restraint but the mere fact that men have stronger sexual impulses than women. This study was composed of two experiments in one. The first was designed to show how both men and women reacted to enticements of a sexual nature in their past. The second was designed to examine self-control and sexual impulses in a very rapid-fire way. Co-author and psychology doctoral student at Texas A&M University Natasha Tidwell said of their findings, “Overall, these studies suggest that men are more likely to give in to sexual temptations because they tend to have stronger sexual impulse strength than women do.” This of course doesn’t give men free reign to cheat, or a get-out-of-jail-free card. Tidwell follows up her statement with, “But when people exercise self-control in a given situation, this sex difference in behavior is greatly reduced. It makes sense that self-control, which has relatively recent evolutionary origins compared to sexual impulses, would work similarly — and as effectively — for both men and women.”

148 women and 70 men were recruited for this study. Subjects were to describe a time when they were attracted to a person of the opposite sex who was unavailable or who they weren’t compatible with. A questionnaire was then administered to determine the strength of sexual impulse and what behaviors would result from them. According to Tidwell, “When men reflected on their past sexual behavior, they reported experiencing relatively stronger impulses and acting on those impulses more than women did.” Self-control however was the same for both sexes. Said Tidwell, “When men and women said they actually did exert self-control in sexual situations, impulse strength didn’t predict how much either sex would actually engage in ‘off-limits’ sex.” University of Texas assistant professor Paul Eastwick, Ph.D. of the Department of Human Development and Family Sciences supported her statement saying, “Men have plenty of self-control — just as much as women.” Eastwick was Tidwell’s co-author in this study. In the second study 326 male and 274 female undergrads were shown an array of photos at a party they were told to attend. Some of the participants were labeled “Good for you” and others “Bad for you.” At one party participants were asked to pursue the “Good for you” people, in others to pursue the “Bad for you” ones. Men were more likely to accept desirable partners. Yet the same study showed that men can also practice self-control just as much as women can. For more on this topic, read Never Satisfied: How & Why Men Cheat by Michael Baisden.

ADHD Creates Stress in Relationships

ADHD

ADHD creates stress in relationships due to the fact that the very nature of ADHD runs counter to that of a healthy relationship. Time management problems, being easily distracted, an inability to plan effectively, and being impulsive can create stress in the relationship for both partners. Strong relationships require the attention of both partners. Yet, the easy distractibility of someone with ADHD neutralizes their ability to focus on the relationship. ADHD impulsive behavior can damage trust and cause problems that can increase the stress level in the relationship. Though they carry even more stress, that isn’t to say that relationships where one person has ADHD can’t be loving and strong. Of course they can. It means merely that they suffer more stress as to the symptomatic issues that those with ADHD struggle with. The other partner needs to be patient and both partners need to practice good communication skills. Knowing what symptoms go with ADHD can help. Of course, there are those situations where ADHD has remained undiagnosed and this puts a particular strain on the relationship as one or both partners may be unaware of exactly why someone is acting a certain way or exhibiting a particular behavior. They may even think that it is done on purpose or maliciously.

If one person has ADHD in a relationship there are things you can do. Learning specific ADHD communication techniques, eliminating a parent-child relationship dynamic, and visiting a counselor and taking part in ADHD treatments in order to lessen symptoms are all important steps that should be taken. Sometimes, too, ADHD may be responsible for the hot button issues that inhabit your relationship, but perhaps you or your partner don’t even recognize the connection. It takes a lot of strategies, time and energy to mitigate the effects of ADHD on your relationship. It’s important to first notice these behaviors in your partner. Then begin to take a look at what patterns are caused by this behavior and how these patterns negatively impact the relationship. Have a discussion about them. If your partner hasn’t been evaluated, let them know how much you love them and care for them and tell them that you think they have ADHD. Show them a reputable website or some other dependable source. Seek out information. Have your significant other see a mental health professional to receive treatment so that the two of you can be educated on how best to mitigate ADHD so it doesn’t affect your relationship.  For more on this, read The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov.

Let Your Mind Have Control Over Your Emotions

Mind Over Emotions

 

Emotionally-charged decisions become an immediate and habitual response when we allow them to occur and take control repeatedly without the consent of our analytical and reflective minds. When going through the divorce process, it is important to rationalize the process of what’s actually happening and not allow negative feelings to take complete control over your life.

Let the mind guide your emotions, not the other way around.  It’s important to take notice of the natural emotions you’re bound to experience during your divorce and then thoughtfully decide how you’re going to respond to these emotions.  This doesn’t mean ignoring negative emotions completely or pretending that they don’t exist, but developing the patience to see them for what they really are and making the rational decision to plan your next point of action.  This will grant you better results than if you were to react immediately to these emotions.