What Kind of Dating Animal are you?

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What Kind of Dating Animal are you?

Are you a night owl or a worker bee? A new study has the answer. MySingleFriend.com along with psychologist David Holmes sifted through member profiles by the thousands. Certain types arose out of this. These are the type of people who work all the time and hardly have any time for dating. This type is in constant contact via their smart phones. They are often attracted to one another as they find sympathy in work pressures, common goals and their precision approach to life. The next type is man’s best friend. This is a person who is enthusiastic, cute and loves to be the center of attention. This type has lots of friends, is loyal but doesn’t often like being alone. The night owl is one almost everyone knows. This is the late teen early twenty urge to go out all night and party. It lasts for some beyond those years. But it can put a damper on finding a serious, long term relationship.

Another type is called the shark. This person is a bit too cool to be in a monogamous relationship, at least until they’ve met their match. The last type is the picky panda or the perfectionist. This person doesn’t want to commit until they find that perfect person for them. Until then, they won’t leave their comfort zone. Do any of these fit you or someone you know? Remember there is nothing wrong about being single, especially if you choose to be that way. But if you are interested and in a rut, there are many ways to find the person for you. Online dating has become very popular, and it’s chic unlike the silly and desperate want ads of the past. Why not look at a few and see if one speaks to you? Go out of your social circle. Volunteer, go to different bars and restaurants, explore a museum or art gallery, or volunteer to coach a local sports team. Going outside of your usual routine will help you meet new people. That special someone will pop up when you’re not even looking for them. For more advice on finding the perfect match for you, read Calling In “The One”: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life by Katherine Woodward Thomas.

Revenge Won’t Make You Feel Better

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Revenge Won’t Make You Feel Better

When we’ve been scorned in love, especially if we were embarrassed socially, cheated on, or treated unfairly revenge is the first thought we have. Though revenge fantasies do feel deliciously satisfying, in reality acting them out won’t make you feel better. One of the deepest instincts we have is attached to revenge. But taking part in acts of revenge can actually make your ex look better. In a sense, it can justify what they’ve done to you in other’s eyes, taking you down a notch. What’s more, it could make other people feel as though your ex has something special. Why else would you go through so much trouble? You may inadvertently give them a social bump. Anyone who has been in a culture of violence realizes that revenge killings can go on and on and rivalries can last for generations. But what good does it do? It only causes pain and misery, ruining lives without yielding anything positive. Researchers think that our natural inclination at revenge may be connected to an innate sense of justice and could serve as a kind of protection. Revenge inhibits others from taking part in negative behavior and therefore solidifies social cooperation. It could also be a kind of self-preservation. Enacting revenge could make others think twice about trying to hurt you in the future. But there is a difference between how it worked for our tribal, Stone Age ancestors and how revenge plays out in our modern society today.

Psychologist Kevin Carlsmith conducted a study on revenge. Those who sought revenge successfully said that although they would have thought that an act of revenge would have made them feel better, retribution actually made them feel worse. However, they also said they would have felt even worse than that if they hadn’t gotten revenge. Those who didn’t have an opportunity to get revenge said they would have felt happier if they had done so. Though questionnaires found that this group was actually much happier than the ones who had gotten their sweet revenge. The reason according to Carlsmith is that people think about revenge and the negative thoughts affect them adversely. Revenge thoughts result in an increase in anger. The other negative connotation you may get by getting revenge on a lover is that you may be seen as undatable by potential partners. They don’t want to cross you and be a part of that revenge cycle. Perhaps it’s best then if you are scorned by a lover to rise above it. Realize that you are happier without this person and that the best revenge is to recover, live your life well and find a better lover that treats you right. Don’t put yourself in the position where you can act out your revenge. Remember that last study and realize that, though it may not feel like it, this actually puts you in the happiest position. For more advice, read The Best Revenge is Massive Success: How You Can Turn Your Break up Pain into a Catalyst for Success by Carlos Lover.

You’ll Regret Getting Revenge

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You’ll Regret Getting Revenge

Almost everyone has a revenge fantasy against the one that broke their heart and dragged it through the mud. But in real life they seem at the same time funny but also sad. And how do people reflect on the woman pulling them off? For instance, there was a Canadian woman who sold all of her husband’s belongings on Craigslist. One line she included in the post “Don’t come too early (like he did).” This, at the same time again, seems funny and sad. But does she look dignified in the breakup? Or does this act of revenge take her down a couple of pegs, too? Women sometimes take pleasure in thinking up dramatic revenge plots to get even with their monstrous exes. But isn’t the best revenge living well and showing him what they are missing? These actual plots, though so fulfilling at the time, just make you look desperate, conniving and twisted. While the ex looks more attractive in consequence because would a girl really go through all that trouble if he wasn’t worth it? You definitely don’t want a revenge scheme blowing up in your face, dragging you into court, embarrassing you on the internet which could affect your job and future dating prospects. It’s better to let the revenge fantasies stay in their realm.

You could make him feel as if he was justified in whatever he did. Because if you stoop to his level you are no longer above him. What does it say about how you handle hard times? Your job may see the video on Facebook let’s say and have second thoughts about you. How does this reflect on the company? Does it also mean you can’t handle work related crises? You don’t want them questioning your every move from now on. You could even get fired depending on how far you go. It could affect your future love life, too. A man who wants to marry a great girl knows that hard times are bound to come. But when he sees her taking part in some elaborate revenge plot he automatically takes her off his potential list. He doesn’t think she can handle things and he never wants to be in her sights. You don’t want to come off as undatable. Though this breakup does look like the end of the world, your life will go on after this and he will likely fade into the background. But any revenge ploy you try to pull off may follow you or make guys act like you are garlic and they are the vampires. Though that analogy may seem amusing, you’ll eventually want to be approached by guys and this could get in the way. For a lighthearted look into stories of divorce and revenge, read Breakup Cocktail: 5 Parts Laughter, 1 Part Healing and a Twist of Revenge by Barbara Kingsley Singer.

What Marriage Counselors Hold Back

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What would it be like to be a sex therapist? Certainly it would be difficult at times to bite your tongue. According to Todd Creager, a marriage and sex therapist for almost thirty years, “There are days when holding back isn’t easy.” But of course the profession requires that you have to bite your tongue. “As a marriage therapist, it’s important to be professional and let couples direct their fate. We’re here to gently guide them, challenge them and support them, but we really should not advise them.” Certainly there are those couples who work hard in therapy and reap the benefits. But there are also couples for whom the therapy seems irrelevant. There are definitely things that marriage counselors keep themselves from saying. Two other counselors also weighed in. Here’s what marriage counselors sometimes really want to say but their professionalism holds them back. Sometimes they want to say, “Get out of this relationship as fast as you can!” Of course people often stay with the wrong people. They may be attracted to the wrong person due to some childhood trauma, have baggage or are trying to heal old wounds. In either case there are those who stay with the wrong person. Don’t be one of them. “You’re both immature, childish and people who act like you’re 10 and shouldn’t be married.” Marriage takes maturity, selflessness, kindness and compassion. Childlike behavior will break a marriage down.

Sometimes the counselor wants to scream, “I’m on her side” or “his side.”  Here’s an important one, “Are you waiting for your fairy godmother to wave her magic wand and improve your relationship? Get to work!” Many people are looking for the quick fix to their relationship. But the truth is that a long term relationship, especially a marriage is a lot of work. If you aren’t willing to put the time and effort in you certainly shouldn’t marry. “You’re both so stuck that you might as well give up,” and “No marriage therapist could help you both since you’re committed to relationship failure,” are important ones. It’s necessary to know when a relationship can be repaired and when it is irreparable. It’s important to know when the right time to walk away is. Paul Hokemeyer, JD, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist added a few of his own. “Get out of your own way!” Lots of people overthink their relationships, or put all of their happiness into it, making everything so much harder. “It doesn’t need to be this hard.” Some people get so caught up in their own pain or problems that they compound them, making it so much more painful on them and their spouse. Another counselor chimed in, wishing to remain anonymous saying that children should never, ever be pawns in their parent’s arguments. According to all of the counselors if your relationship is in trouble, look at how you communicate. This is usually where problems stem. Work on positive, active communication. And if you need help seek a counselor. For more on how to have the best marriage and prevent a trip to the counselor’s office, read The Long, Hot Marriage by Todd Creager.

Signs She’s Immature

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Are you dating someone and you think she’s not mature enough for you? Sure, at the outset of dating a woman this isn’t always on the top of your priority list. But as things move along a little you start to notice things about the woman you’re dating and if she has what you’d consider qualities capable of coming along for the long haul. Not only are you looking for a woman who has that spark, you want someone who is going to help you move up, not hold you back. And an immature woman can be quite a hassle. But how can you tell if she’s just girlish, playful, coquettish, or downright immature? First, if she’s offering to fight, slap, confront, or get even with some other girl, she is way too immature for you. It isn’t cute or funny and it’s going to cause a lot of trouble in the end. She may also be the type that flies off the handle over little things, or is a cry baby. If you want a headache, date this woman. She’s too immature for you. Start putting space between you and her right away, or else she’ll suck you into her conflicts. Or you’ll be a constant shoulder to cry on. If you’ve noticed that all of her conflicts are dealt with in a passive-aggressive manner, you might want to pass her by, too. It’s better, but do you really want to be in a relationship where she gives you the cold shoulder, or snide little remarks start creeping in?

Women whom you’ve noticed have dated a series of bad boys, or guys that were no good for them. They are usually warned by those around them that care about them. But she usually goes back to the same guy, or dates a carbon copy of him. Steer clear of her. She may be fun for a while. But if you get emotionally invested, unless she’s changed, you’re going to get your heart broken when the next tough guy rolls into town. Look out for the shopaholic. The woman who buys everything and anything and never has any money. Managing money carefully is a mature act. As is staving off what you want for what you need. If she can’t pay rent but has more shoes than a shoe store, back away. Those money problems will quickly become yours. Unless you have the net worth and a carefree spirit, shake yourself loose pronto. If she has kids, pay careful attention to how she treats them. Does she drop them off at her parents, the neighbors, the in-laws, or her babysitters constantly? Is it to do selfish personal things? If so, she’s way too immature for you. Not only that but she’s self-absorbed and has horrible parenting skills. Steer clear of these behaviors and seek to find a woman who is mature, holds you up, is interesting, has a great sense of humor, and who helps you and fulfills you in more ways than one. She’s not so easy to find, but she’s out there. You’ll see. For more guidance on how to find the right woman for you, try reading the advice  of Bruce Bryans in his book, Attract The Right Girl: How To Find Your Perfect Girl And Make Her Chase You For A Relationship.