Don’t let a Selfish Partner Hurt you

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Don’t let a Selfish Partner Hurt you

It may be hard to recognize the selfish, at least at first. Oftentimes they are social butterflies. Everyone loves and adores them. And everyone wants to cater to them, including you. But as time goes on and the charm starts to wear, as you get to peek more and more below the surface sometimes you start to see that this person’s whole world revolves around them. There isn’t room for you at all. You find yourself giving more and more, but they never return your energy or affection like they should. Instead, they suck you dry like a psychic vampire.

Don’t let a selfish partner hurt you. First, realize when a person is selfish and when you haven’t communicated your needs with them fully. Perhaps they don’t know what you want or how to fulfil your needs. Be patient. Communicate in lots of ways. See if they have a need to fulfill your desires but don’t know how to go about it. Help them. If they find excuses or are too resistant chances are they are selfish. But oftentimes one person in a relationship thinks the other should automatically know what they want. No one automatically knows what anyone wants. It isn’t a sign of love or not loving. It just means you have to learn to communicate your needs effectively.

Next, consider what the speech or behavior they are exhibiting is and if it is in fact selfish. What things do you do for them? Make a list. See what things they do for you. How does the list measure up? Some people look to date those that they can manipulate to get their own needs, wants and desires fulfilled without any concern or regard for the other person. Does this sound familiar? In a normal relationship the power dynamic is equal. But if you never do what you want to do, never go to the restaurants you want, never see the movie you want, never visit your family, and always undercut your desires to that of your partner, that person is indeed selfish. Your partner is probably convinced of how great they are and how lucky you are to have them. They think you need them and should get down on your knees and thank the heavens for putting them in your life. Talk about nerve.

If you think you are constantly being manipulated by a selfish person and no matter how many times you confront them, or try to get them to change, they don’t, make plans to end the relationship. Start drifting from them physically and emotionally. Detach from them. If they start freaking out show them the behavior you have to put up with. Use their words against them. Make it really uncomfortable for them. Then approach them about splitting up. Chances are they will be happy about it by then. No one wants to be in a relationship where they aren’t having fun, where they are being used. So turn the tables on them with coldness and you will have your freedom soon enough. For more advice read, Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans.

Top Divorce Indicator Prevention

contempt

Top Divorce Indicator Prevention

Want to know the top divorce indicator and how to prevent it? The top indicator is how a couple communicates. Does their speech build people up or tear them down? The University of Washington’s Professor John Gottman is the nation’s top expert on couple’s studies. After more than twenty years of research, he has found that the single most common indicator of divorce is when couple’s show contempt for each other. Contempt can be defined as negativity, sarcasm or a negative judgment regarding their partner. The opposite of respect is contempt. Additionally, there are four major statement that symbolize contempt. Whether the contempt is intentional or not is another matter. Your language plus a directive for instance is such language. “You should, You are, You’d better, You have to,” are examples. These kinds of statements are showing that the person is being judged and told what to do. It’s only natural then that they get resentful and defensive, not good emotions for a blissful marriage.

Universal statements are the next sort that reveal contempt. “You always, You never, Everyone or Such a” are often included in these statements. They show a person’s behavior or character in a negative light. Statements like “You always leave your socks on the bathroom floor.” “Everyone gets places on time but you.” “Everyone knows what a slob you are,” and so on. These statements hurt our partner in a few different ways. These statements only say what is wrong and shame the person they are directed to. Yet, they fail to say things in a positive light. And they don’t say how to make things right.  What is the solution to the problem? Also, this sort of logic is easy to pierce. If you say, “You never pay for anything.” The other person can just say, “I paid for dinner just last year.” This person gets a laugh and the statement has been negated all at once. Then there is invalidating feelings. If you tell someone they are blowing things out of proportion then you are invalidating their feelings. Instead, validate your lover’s feelings. Tell them you understand how they feel and why they feel that way. When you have a problem address the behavior and how it made you feel. “You didn’t pick up your socks and it made me feel like your maid” should be enough to drive the point home. Always talk to your partner with respect and expect the same in return. For more advice read, Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Ways to Create More Love and Less Conflict by Jonathan Robinson.

Things You Share That Hurt Him

young-couple-talking-over-coffee

Things You Share That Hurt Him

Of course sharing, getting to know each other more and more and growing closer is important. But it has to be done in the right way and at the right time. You can’t reveal everything all at once. And some things have to be couched certain ways. We all know that there are things men say to hurt women, that maybe they don’t mean to do. But women say things that also inadvertently hurt them. Look and see if you do any of these things in your own relationships. Here are some things you may share that hurt him, especially if told not at the right time in the relationship or in the right way. There may be some innocent things you share that you and your ex did, which is perfectly fine. But if you’ve never done these things with him, or he’s never done them with anyone, it can have a negative impact on his male ego. Men in our culture naturally are supposed to be more experienced in love and sex. What’s more, if you have a committed, intimate relationship he probably doesn’t want to know what you’ve done with other men in bed. Perhaps he’s open and he does. But you should still reveal slowly and carefully. Let him know of course that it is all in the past. Ask him if he’s alright with it. Take great pains too to reassure his masculinity, performance and the level of satisfaction he gives you and if he is well adjusted and the time is right, it shouldn’t be a real problem. Remember you don’t have to reveal anything to anyone until you are ready.

Some wives like to tease their husbands or girlfriends tease their boyfriends about their hairline or gaining weight. But go easy. Just like with women, men can be sensitive about how they look. They may not say anything but if you take it too far, they’ll notice. Of course you want to be able to tease each other and be playful. That adds a little fire and spice to a relationship. But just like playing with fire if you put it too close he’ll get burned. Los Angeles psychotherapist Holly Hein, Ph.D. puts it this way, “Men too can be self-conscious about aging.” Don’t backpedal however. Just tell him later in your sultriest voice when you’re alone “I am so attracted to you.” Better yet, show him. He’ll feel validated then. Some women put all the blame of a relationship on themselves. When a long term relationship such as a marriage is going through a rough patch or one or both partners are particularly stressed—say with a new baby, women often say, “I know you’re unhappy.” But this makes him feel bad, as if she’s taking on everything. He loves her and wants to support her and be there for her. So let him in a little and use each other as bulwarks against stress. Don’t say, “What happened to us?” This is especially true if you want to stay together. If you say you’ve lost your spark he may recede and give up, thinking you can’t get it back. According to Hein a better way is to look at it differently. “Maybe it’s the fact that both of your work lives have gotten crazy, or that you haven’t prioritized doing things as a couple. Speaking to specific issues and offering solutions makes it clear that the issue isn’t permanent or unfixable.” To learn more about how guys operate read, 101 Things Your Dad Never Told You About Men: The Good, Bad, And Ugly Things Men Want And Think About Women And Relationships by Bruce Bryans.

You’ll Regret Getting Revenge

regrets

You’ll Regret Getting Revenge

Almost everyone has a revenge fantasy against the one that broke their heart and dragged it through the mud. But in real life they seem at the same time funny but also sad. And how do people reflect on the woman pulling them off? For instance, there was a Canadian woman who sold all of her husband’s belongings on Craigslist. One line she included in the post “Don’t come too early (like he did).” This, at the same time again, seems funny and sad. But does she look dignified in the breakup? Or does this act of revenge take her down a couple of pegs, too? Women sometimes take pleasure in thinking up dramatic revenge plots to get even with their monstrous exes. But isn’t the best revenge living well and showing him what they are missing? These actual plots, though so fulfilling at the time, just make you look desperate, conniving and twisted. While the ex looks more attractive in consequence because would a girl really go through all that trouble if he wasn’t worth it? You definitely don’t want a revenge scheme blowing up in your face, dragging you into court, embarrassing you on the internet which could affect your job and future dating prospects. It’s better to let the revenge fantasies stay in their realm.

You could make him feel as if he was justified in whatever he did. Because if you stoop to his level you are no longer above him. What does it say about how you handle hard times? Your job may see the video on Facebook let’s say and have second thoughts about you. How does this reflect on the company? Does it also mean you can’t handle work related crises? You don’t want them questioning your every move from now on. You could even get fired depending on how far you go. It could affect your future love life, too. A man who wants to marry a great girl knows that hard times are bound to come. But when he sees her taking part in some elaborate revenge plot he automatically takes her off his potential list. He doesn’t think she can handle things and he never wants to be in her sights. You don’t want to come off as undatable. Though this breakup does look like the end of the world, your life will go on after this and he will likely fade into the background. But any revenge ploy you try to pull off may follow you or make guys act like you are garlic and they are the vampires. Though that analogy may seem amusing, you’ll eventually want to be approached by guys and this could get in the way. For a lighthearted look into stories of divorce and revenge, read Breakup Cocktail: 5 Parts Laughter, 1 Part Healing and a Twist of Revenge by Barbara Kingsley Singer.

Should you Have Revenge Sex?

RevengeSex

Should you Have Revenge Sex?

Many people think of revenge after a divorce or a tough breakup. This is doubly true if you were spurned, treated unfairly, manipulated, cheated on or just cast aside like old shoes. If you have been treated this way or feel that you need to even the score, stop and think about your emotional state. Sometimes the problems of this relationship can spill over into another’s bed. But is it right? Should you have revenge sex? Furthermore are you hurting yourself worse with this behavior? There are lots of ins and outs to this one. Just like anything else in relationships, it’s complicated. First, decide on who the intended person you are going to have this revenge sex with is going to be. Are they aware of the entire situation? Are they okay with this being an act of revenge? It’s important that you are open and honest with this person. If you manipulate them into a position of having sex with you when they have feelings for you, think that this may turn into a relationship, or are just entirely unaware of the revenge angle, you may be cutting them deep. If that’s the case then are you really any better than the person who has hurt or scorned you? Is the point to hurt your ex and make yourself feel better or is it to lash out at an entire gender?

Next is whether it is proper, if you should have revenge sex or not. It really depends on the emotional state you are in. If you are just doing it spur of the moment and only for revenge, chances are you’ll be hurting yourself more in the process. You are stooping to their level. What’s more, if you aren’t over the emotional impact of what your ex did to you, can you really go through with it? There has been lots of evidence that a rebound relationship can actually help you heal. Rebounds also last just about as well statistically as any other relationship. But you have to be emotionally ready for it. If you are still grieving and sad this may compound your problem. If you are seething with anger, sex with a consenting adult who knows all the ins and outs of your situation could be a catharsis, and really passionate. But even though the other person says they won’t get emotionally attached, they still might. So you have to be prepared for that. You may want revenge by seducing the ex only to leave them hot and bothered, in order to show your ex what he or she is missing. In this scenario the tease is not the end. This relationship is now still continuing. It’s healthier to sever the bond clean and then move on. You are only inviting a response from your ex that will be less than considerate. There are those who seduce away someone else’s partner. This isn’t good either as it will cause a rift and more drama. Revenge sex to rejuvenate, to feel validated and attractive, to get over pain and experience pleasure again is the only way it can be healthy for you. To learn more about revenge after divorce, read Sex, Love, and Money: Revenge and Ruin in the World of High-Stakes Divorce by Gerald Nissenbaum, J.D., and John Sedgwick.