Locating a No Strings Attached Partner

NSA

Locating a No Strings Attached Partner

So you’ve decided that a no strings attached relationship is what you need right now. Whether you just got out of an exhausting divorce, a painful long term relationship, you’re swamped and don’t have time to date or you just want to sample from the glorious pool of dating prospects without getting tied down. Whatever your reason, you have your approach down. You’re feeling good and ready to get this thing going. The only thing you need is a worthy partner who will fulfil your every desire. Locating a no strings attached partner can be easy or difficult depending upon your social circle. Also, many people in the dating pool are looking for different things, from NSA to marriage and so many options in-between.

So how do you find someone who might fit the bill? First, think about some friends of friends that you find attractive. When you are in the same room together, why not try and flirt with them? Almost everyone likes to be flirted with. See if you can get their number. Find some time to hang out and you may be well on your way. If you have a confidant on your side, work with them and try to brainstorm. Think about acquaintances you often run into, too and flirt with them.

Is there someone you’ve had your eye on? Why not try to bump into them? Or better yet see if you can get someone to introduce the two of you. Start flirting and move on to texting. Take things slow and easy. Work into it. If you move too fast you may creep the other person out. Have you ever had a one-night stand or a hookup? Chances are that person would be interested in doing it again. Why not get in touch with them and see what they are up to. If you are like the rest of us, you may have had your fair share of jobs over the last five years. Did you run into anyone you thought was cute, hot or drop dead sexy? See if you can get in touch with them again. Call the office asking for someone. Make up a reason or an excuse and get to chatting with them on the phone. Flirt with them. Call back again but this time get their number. If they give it to you, you are well on your way to Hookupville, provided they are interested in this type of arrangement.

Are you in touch with some old friends from college or even high school? Chances are there is someone from the old days that makes you squirm in your seat. Do some sleuthing and see if they are single. Facebook and other social media sites are great places to connect with old friends who may be interested in a hookup. For more advice read, The Friends with Benefits Rulebook by Stacy Freedman.

Does the book, The Game, Really Help Pick up Women?

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Does the book, The Game, Really Help Pick up Women?

Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) and the “negs” or put-downs are some of the techniques found in Neil’ Strauss’s book, The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists. Though it sounds like a self-help book, it in fact isn’t. It’s more of a narrative with ideas and techniques interlaced in-between. It is an engaging read. Once you start this book it’s hard to put down.

Strauss’s mentor named Mystery is a Canadian given to breakdowns and bouts of self-pity when he isn’t chasing the girls. Their house in Hollywood gets sunk in adolescent moral depravity. And the first woman that doesn’t fall for his technique becomes his wife, hitting him with how shallow he’s been all along. Not a very explosive ending, instead rather predictable. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t techniques in the book, their certainly are. But does the book really help pick up women? One problem that seems to pop up is despite the authors repeated insistence that this technique works on smart women, he doesn’t give any evidence. He does pick up one law school student. But she also happens to be a Playboy Playmate.

The techniques used in this book may only attract a certain kind of woman, those who suffer from attraction of desperation. These are women who didn’t grow up with parents who had a healthy, well-adjusted relationship. And so they are looking for someone to mirror that relationship with, in order for them to solve it, move past it and to heal. If she grew up in a household where her mother was put down, then of course a pickup artist using put-downs is going to attract her. The truth is these seem to be acronym and heavily jargoned programs designed to make suckers out of desperate and lonely men who have lost touch with how to engage the interest of a woman. Besides that, the system is shallow and based on making a woman feel bad about herself and chase the man in an effort to validate herself to him.

Turning the tables might be good in order to get some women into bed. But for the purposes of attracting a partner with the right qualities desirable for a long term, happy, well-adjusted and committed relationship, this book comes up empty. Instead of trying well-worn and age old techniques dressed up new again, why not invest in yourself? Get a new look that shines light on a different side of you. Try out new hobbies or rediscover old ones. Boost your confidence. Chat someone up. You don’t need this book. All you need is the right outlook and to get busy renewing your love life and it, the it you’re looking for, will occur. For more advice read, The Anti-Pickup Line: Real Habits to Naturally Attract Stunning Women by Charlie Houpert.

What’s the Best Way to Breakup with a Hookup?

hookup

What’s the Best Way to Breakup with a Hookup?

Whether you are dating again after a divorce, staving off marriage, are too busy for a serious relationship or believe monogamy is antiquated system with no place in the modern world, you are immersed in the exciting albeit confusing, hookup culture.  And anyone who has spent any amount of time in it comes to a point where they have to break up with someone that they aren’t actually dating. The whole experience can feel like a double edged sword. You didn’t get the benefits of a relationship exactly but you still have to go through the worst part. Some people try to hint around as if they are all-of-a-sudden completely unavailable. But lots of people, of both genders, fail to take the hint. Of course, you may ask what the best way to breakup with a hookup is, but it all comes down to who you both are and how you relate. Do you do normal couple things but are still in the incubator stage of your relationship? Or is this a drunk dial booty call on a Friday night? Just as the punishment should fit the crime, the type of non-relationship you share with this person should determine the way you break up with them.

If you shared meals, hung out in bars or spent a significant amount of time together, this person is owed a face-to-face breakup. Just be honest with them. Sit them down and let them know that you want a plutonic relationship and still want to remain friends. If you aren’t feeling it anymore, say so. When you act like a couple the lines between hookup and relationship tend to blur. You’ll want to clear things up in a way that leaves no room for confusion. If this is the drunk hookup, let them know that it’s been fun but you just want to be friends from here on out. If you really aren’t attached a phone call might suffice, if it’s just a case of text and grind. Then there are those times where you just went out on one date and you are 100% sure the chemistry isn’t there and never will be. Just tell them so. Here perhaps over the phone might be alright as well. If you two have been hanging out a long time, or worse yet were at one time thick as thieves, this is the serious, sit-down breakup.  Perhaps they said or did something that soured you. Maybe you met someone else who flips your switch and lights you up like Las Vegas, or things just coasted into boringsville fast. Whatever the case, you have to sit this person down in a quiet, comfortable setting and explain why. Don’t let it feel like you are stomping on their heart. But they do deserve the truth. If you think they’ll make a scene, do it in a public place like a restaurant or coffee house.

Do go out of your way to let them down gently. Don’t gossip with your friends. Word does get around and then how will you look when it reaches your former hookup? If you are dropping this person, drop them. If you drunk dial them a week later and get it on, you’ll be in the same situation all over again. Erase them from your phone and email. Maybe keep them on your social media pages or else your actions may seem hurtful. Resist the urge of calling them and starting the cycle all over again, or don’t break up with them at all. Don’t dwell on the situation. Learn from this experience and integrate it into your future pursuits. Certainly even the most short-lived relationships can leave you with a good memory. Sometimes it helps to close with that memory and how you’ll cherish it. It leaves both of you feeling good. For more on traversing the harrowing landscape of love read, Sex at First Sight: Understanding the Modern Hookup by Richard E. Simmons III.

Is Monogamy’s Death Due to Hollywood?

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Is Monogamy’s Death Due to Hollywood?

On TV and in the movies today we see lots of young, healthy, attractive people taking part in friends with benefits scenarios or no strings attached sex. Meanwhile, frustrated wives and overweight inept husbands blanket the TV and movie screens. Monogamy is seen as passé by many millennials. In a survey last year many millennials said they thought marriage would soon die out. So here’s a riddle spawned in real life, another case of either life imitating art or art imitating life. Is monogamy’s death due to Hollywood? Or is Tinsel town merely reflecting a cultural phenomenon taking place in our country today?

First, there’s the fact that Hollywood is only out to entertain. A sexy young couple trying to feel their way through a friends with benefits scenario is far more interesting than a married couple trying to decide what color tile should go in the new bathroom. TV teen shows also portray torrid love affairs to long term romances. “Gossip Girl,” “The Vampire Diaries” and “Glee” are all a testament to this. Also shows like “No Strings Attached” and “Friends with Benefits” made it onto the small screen for adult viewing this year.

Dr. Jeffrey Gardere a clinical psychologist recently spoke on this phenomenon, the lack of monogamy and the widespread portrayal of hookup culture. “To some extent Hollywood may be promoting the hook up mentality because that is much more exciting and sexy than promoting monogamy and stable relationships.  Today’s younger culture is about the hook up and fun instead of settling down, so certainly Hollywood will play to that audience. I also believe there is a tendency to promote that lifestyle as being more easy to achieve than it actually is. There are not enough stories about the emotional and even physical repercussions to the hook-up mentality.”

But Jessica Wakeman, famous author and blogger on women’s issues and pop culture for popular website TheFrisky.com said, “Hollywood is not accurate about a lot of things regarding sexuality, but I do think it portrays ‘hook-up culture’ somewhat accurately. Teenagers and young adults today are a lot more comfortable hooking up with each other without further commitment than at any other point in history. A lot of us have friends with benefits to meet our needs for sexuality and companionship.” Most experts agree that although Hollywood does influence us psychologically, it’s mostly economic reasons that have changed male-female relationships and gender roles. Still, the impact and role Hollywood plays in shaping our perception of this phenomenon will be debated for some time to come. To learn more about hookup culture read, The End of Sex: How Hookup Culture Is Leaving a Generation Unhappy, Sexually Unfulfilled, and Confused about Intimacy by Donna Freitas.

Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)

phone

Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)

We are connected to so many different people, venues and organizations through our computers and mobile devices that today people are overwhelmed with options. This is true of modern day “hookup” culture where young adults, spurning marriage and family planning for the extended education it takes to get a job in today’s market, cycle through one hook up after another, for fear of missing out on an amazing experience with someone new. But the problem is that they are never in a relationship long enough to form any kind of intimacy. Studies have shown that millennials are more frustrated and emotionally unfulfilled than previous generations. People of all ages now serially date. They cycle through one person they met online after another, fearing that they are missing out on “the one.” But with so many options, their standards skyrocket. The result? They are too picky and judgmental. They gloss over each date, never really piercing the surface and getting to know the real person deep down inside. Instead, they usually find a superficial reason to rule the person out and move on. So they may have found “the one” without even giving “the one” a chance.

Fear of missing out (FOMO) is now something of a massive psychological condition brought on by mobile devices carrying the internet. People veer to their Twitter while at work, diminishing their concentration on an important task. They check their LinkedIn while with friends, their Facebook while on a date, they even put their own lives at risk and the lives of others by texting or checking email while driving. Lots and lots of people around the world do this. And when confronted with how wrong that is, they just shrug.

Our fear of missing out has us glossing over what is really important in life, and that’s being there, being in the moment, savoring it and enjoying it. Alone Together by Sherry Turkle has a chapter on this phenomenon and The New York Times covered FOMO in an article by Jenna Wortham. There are singles who go on Facebook and feel bad when they see how happy their married or attached friends are. There are teens who lose sleep and are distracted from their studies constantly checking their social media to see who broke up with who, who is dating who and so on. The truth is, this is an impulse control problem. FOMO makes us hyper vigilant, always seeking for something better for ourselves. Most of the time, however, there isn’t anything on there that’s so important it should interrupt the real, offline life in front of you.

Being constantly distracted is no way to live life. Being constantly unsatisfied isn’t a great way to manage a love life either. Instead, limit your use of social media. Only check it at certain times of the day and stick to your schedule. When you feel the itch to check, notice something in your immediate environment that makes you feel satisfied: a warm smile, a delicious cup of coffee, a beautiful scarlet picture frame with a photo of someone you love. Savor the real world with all of your senses and you’ll soon see that social media just can’t compare.