How to Find Him

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How to Find Him

Are you tired of waiting around for prince charming? It makes a great story. But in reality, if you are just waiting for the right guy to find you, you will kiss a lot of frogs without finding any princes. Instead, it pays to be proactive with your love life, like so many other aspects of life, rather than just wait for whoever comes along. But how do you find him, the right guy? He may not be the one, if such a thing exists, but the one for you. Don’t just sit on your duff and wait for him to arrive. He may not. And when he does see you, he may not recognize your interest, or that you two could be the perfect item.

Here’s how to make things happen. The first step, develop a gaze that shows how attractive and mysterious you are. Don’t just make eye contact, give him a look that will make him whither in his shoes. He’ll either strike up the courage to approach you, get a wingman to accompany him for a little support, or he’ll walk away, in which case it’s time to move on to the next potential candidate. If you see a cute guy walking a dog, approach them. Play with and pet it. Show how much you like dogs and start a little conversation. It’s a great, easy icebreaker. If you are an animal lover you already have something in common. And owning a dog shows he’s affectionate, responsible, caring and loving; good relationship traits.

If there is a nice guy you’d like to get to know better, use a pickup line. If a man uses it, it’s trite, unimaginative and falls flat. If a woman uses it, it’s funny, cheeky and lets him know you are interested. If you are at a sports bar or venue and see a guy you are interested in, use the game as an icebreaker. Ask who’s winning. What team is he rooting for? Ask about the rules. These questions will make him feel masculine as he can enlighten you on the information he knows. It will get the conversation flowing. And you’ll be able to judge his interest in you quickly. If you are a fellow sports fan, it should be easy to get the small talk rolling.

Another great way to capture a man’s heart is to be the damsel in distress. Have a problem you want him to solve. This works well on someone you know or have had your eye on for some time. Ask him to fix something for you, be it the printer in the copy room, something at your desk, your car in the parking lot, or wherever or whatever needs fixing. If he isn’t handy ask for his advice on something. Then thank him for his help. Offer to help him with something. Better yet invite him to dinner or lunch, on you as a thank you. There are lots of subtle and fun ways to maneuver the right man into your life. For more advice read, Get the Guy: Learn Secrets of the Male Mind to Find the Man You Want and the Love you Deserve! By Matthew Hussey.

Don’t Let Perfectionism Ruin your Relationships

PERFECTIONIST

Don’t Let Perfectionism Ruin your Relationships

Some of us have high standards for things. We want our lives to be perfect. With the right moves, creating the perfect home, family, spouse and life are thought of as an armor against catastrophe. But the truth is that no one can protect against a disaster. Life is inherently messy. No matter how perfect you try to make things, it can get messed up. No one can have complete control of their situations. And if you think that you can, when hit with the latter your reaction to tragedy will be far worse.

Perfectionism can wear on a marriage and drive a wedge between you and your kids. You aren’t giving them any say or sovereignty on their own lives. Behind all the good intentions, the smart schedules, the plans and the objectives is a dictatorial attitude. When you take away other people’s ability to decide or help decide in the affairs of their household and their life, you’ve essentially taken their rights away. The problem with the perfectionist is that he or she becomes more and more demanding until it drives everyone away. Don’t let perfectionism ruin your relationships. Take control of it and your life.

First, realize that perfectionism is just a hard shell around a soft inner layer. That soft inner layer is fear. Fear of criticism, rejection, disapproval and ridicule. But the truth is these very fears make their end come to pass. Instead practice anxiety reduction techniques. Join groups that help you manage your perfectionism. Elicit help from those close to you. Sit down with your spouse, children, significant other, whoever is in your life and explain what the problem is. Apologize for whatever problems or pain you’ve caused them. Say it by name, don’t paper over the apology or it won’t mean as much. If you are going to apologize believe it and commit to it.

Allow a more democratic style into the household where everyone gets a say and everyone can say their piece. You might not like what everyone has to say. But the truth is hashing it out is far better than letting it boil beneath the surface, or else you’ll get a flash boil. This way you all can talk things out. Find positive outlets for your perfectionism. Learn boundaries of others in your household when it comes to your perfectionistic tendencies. Find out how to pick your fights. Manage the issue and you will be okay and your relationships will blossom. For more advice read, Present Perfect: A Mindfulness Approach to Letting Go of Perfectionism & the Need for Control by Pavel Somov, Ph.D.

How You Subconsciously Maneuver into Controlling Relationships

Upset Woman

How You Subconsciously Maneuver into Controlling Relationships

If you feel like you have no control in your life but are always being controlled, feel overwhelmed by pressures, or that you are helpless because your power has been taken away, you could be creating a situation where you always export your sense of power and control to others. This generally isn’t a conscious move. If you feel a lack of power or control in your life, feel helpless but don’t know what to do, then this is probably you. The first issue is becoming aware of it. Once you have done that you can take steps to turn things around and take control of your life again.

HERE’S HOW YOU SUBCONSCIOUSLY MANEUVER INTO CONTROLLING RELATIONSHIPS:

First, you stop taking care of yourself in the right way. Whether you are smoking, shirking off exercise, over-eating or eating the wrong things, whatever the situation when you don’t take care of yourself you are sending an unconscious message for others to take care of you. The next sign is that you rail against the expectations or authority of others. Those with rebellious attitudes often are screaming at authorities to control them. They hate authority and at the same time they wish deep inside to be controlled by it. Those who wish to be controlled often don’t make the best choices in life. They fall apart at the last minute. They lack follow through. They flake out. They fail to complete the assignment and they telegraph their inability to handle things in the process.

Those who subconsciously want to be controlled may ask those in positions of authority question after question about a task or assignment. They may not even need help but feel inadequate, they are seeking attention and even friendship, or they want someone else to take over. Are you willing to take risks? Do you fear or loathe making mistakes? If you do, then you may be screaming for someone else to come in and take over. Are you a person who just can’t say no? If you constantly overextend yourself and can’t follow through, then this may be you. Do you feel as though you have no say in what’s happening around you? Do you feel as though your opinion doesn’t amount to much, if anything at all? The fact that you feel this way means you are ripe to be controlled because you yourself don’t value your own opinion.

Are you attracted to the controlling type? If your partners always seem to be persuasive, charismatic, strong, independent minded and even controlling and manipulative people, you have to consider that subconsciously you want to be controlled. Do you know your own feelings on what is going on in your life? If you can’t tell how you feel about things, or do things even though they make you feel uncomfortable, you may be practicing a type of self-sabotage that leaves you subconsciously exporting your power while consciously despising what is happening to you. For more on breaking free of negative patterns read, Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior by Mark Goulston and Philip Goldberg.

How Women can save their Relationships When they earn more

FEMALE-BREADWINNER

How Women can save their Relationships When they earn more

In America today, the mother is the sole breadwinner in 25% of households that have a child under eighteen years of age. That number has increased four times since 1960, over five million women. Though, in general, men make more, the number of educated women in professional careers has exploded. There are lots of couples where the woman makes more than the man. There is a growing number of stay at home fathers too; their numbers increased by the toll the Great Recession took. Men however often feel threatened or that their sense of manliness has diminished if their wife makes more or is more successful than they have been.

Since men were the traditional breadwinners it makes sense that their egos would be bruised by the woman in their life being the sole breadwinner or earning more. A Cornell University study from 2010 found that men in a cohabitating relationship between the ages of 18 and 28 and together for more than a year were five times more apt to cheat if he was financially dependent on the woman. Another problem is women feeling guilty about foregoing household duties and taking on too much of the chores and childcare to compensate, driving themselves crazy and wearing themselves out in the process.

Washington University in St. Louis in collaboration with colleges in Denmark conducted a study and found that when a wife’s salary was just a nudge higher, her husband was 10% more likely to need prescription medication for insomnia, anxiety and erectile dysfunction (ED). The higher her salary the higher his chances of experiencing ED. An independent survey of 1,033 women found that they were less satisfied and more embarrassed by their relationships when they made more than their partners. So what is the solution? How can women save their relationships if they earn more? It isn’t easy and of course it’s different for every couple. One important thing is to not over-criticize your man. Don’t emasculate him.

According to relationship coach Alison Armstrong, a woman needs to make a man feel as though he is a provider, even if he isn’t bringing in dollars and sense. For instance, lots of women do things men can do, try to change them and constantly critique how things are done. But this wears her husband down. It doesn’t build him up or make him feel like a man. Find ways to encourage him. Let him know that his contribution is important. Show your gratitude for having him in your life. Include him in financial decisions so he doesn’t feel emasculated. Ask his help with things and ask his advice, even if you don’t really need it. Call him your mentor and tell him you couldn’t do it without him. To read more on this subject pick up a copy of, When She Makes More: 10 Rules for Breadwinning Women by Farnoosh Torabi.